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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

differing parental styles

76 replies

pollyputthekettleonagain · 22/01/2014 09:46

DH and i have different parenting styles and until yesterday i thought that these were compatable but different but ive since found out that he has been undermining me.

the situation in question is getting ready in the morning.

I believe that if a child can dress themselves they should dress themselves becuase it teaches them independance
DH thinks that its a parents job to help them get dressed, and if they dont then they are a bad parent

As DD has got older i thought i was teaching her independence, by letting her get herself ready for school, she would check she had everything she needed and she would learn the consequences for not being prepared. Having said that, on occasion she has not had the right equipment for school i have taken it to the school later on that day. whenever she said 'you didnt remind me to have my pe kit' i would say... well it is your pe kit and im not the one who does pe, but i will go and get it for you

But it seems that DH has been undermining me. every evening he goes into her room and gets her uniform out and puts it on a hanger in her wardrobe (so i dont see it) He even puts knickers and socks on there for her ffs! if she has sports then the sports bag is on the hanger too

so she had a meltdown yesterday becuase he hadnt got her uniform ready and she felt that she couldnt do it herself. I helped her obviously, but now im well pissed off at him because we have a 10 year old who cannot pick what to wear when she has a wardrobe full of uniform.

AIBU? how do i challenge him, becuase i can see this turning into a huge row where he makes me feel like a bad mum Sad

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 22/01/2014 09:48

Well, as you're not consistent yourself...

You and he need to sit down and discuss the way forward.

I can't see a 12 year-old wanting her dad to sort out her underwear tbh.

Back2Basics · 22/01/2014 09:49

Wow my dc have always got themselves dressed and since year 2 have had to be responsible for all kit and books that need to be in.

I do get them to get all their uniform and lay it out the night before so it's not manic.

Your husband IBU

hoobypickypicky · 22/01/2014 09:57

There's nothing bad about encouraging independence in a child. There's something very wrong about trying to keep babying her when she doesn't need it and about going behind your back, undermining you and "causing a huge row and making [you] feel like a bad mum" though.

I wouldn't be at all happy if this was my husband. For the next couple of nights or so I suggest you supervise your daughter as she gets her clothes and kit ready for school the next morning, with appropriate encouragement/suggestions and then tell her you expect her to do it herself thereafter. No arguments, no tantrums, no discussion, and that goes for your husband as much as your daughter.

AbiRoad · 22/01/2014 10:07

Mine are 9. We generally leave them to get on with it and have done for a few years, but will help with the last minute search for swim kit etc that happens on occasion. In your case it is the secrecy/undermining I would be furious with.
I think they will have so many extra things to keep track of at senior school that learning for themselves now when it is easier will set them up better.

Flibbedyjibbet · 22/01/2014 10:07

I know all of the above but am obviously in a softie mood as there's a little part of me saying ahhhh at your other half.

I read so many tales on here of absent (physically or emotionally) fathers that I was a little touched by that.

Am off to drink brown ale and put steel toe caps on in an effort to toughen up today.

pollyputthekettleonagain · 22/01/2014 10:21

oh yes, hes a lovely dad but he was brought up in a very cosseted manner, i on the other hand suffered from neglect.

he says what i do is a symptom of my upbringing and i say the same to him!

however i think his actions are harmful. shes 10 she should not be having meltdowns and she should be able to pick out a clean uniform.

im teaching her to cook her favorite meals atm and he hates this. we've done corned beef has and beans so nothing michelin starred!

i just want him to understand that its her personal development that im concerned with, not who is righ and who is wrong

OP posts:
Shitehawke · 22/01/2014 10:29

Some of my happiest memorys are waking up to find my uniform laid out ready for me. Started the day with a warm fuzzy feeling. I'm with your DH, sorry!

Joysmum · 22/01/2014 11:02

So at what pint does your husband think he should start allowing her to learn these skills?

IMO being a parent is about teaching your children how to be independent adults. If they are always having things done for them, and never have to think for themselves about what the day holds and how to prepare fit it then they are going to grow up to be very inadequate adults. That's not good parenting.

JennyWren · 22/01/2014 11:09

Actually, I believe that it is my job as a parent to make myself redundant - in the nicest possible way! By that, I mean that I want my DC to grow up to be competent, capable,confident adults, and I believe that the best way to do that is to encourage and support them to learn skills and take responsibilities gradually and at the pace that is right for them. So my DC (aged 8 and 5) both get themselves dressed in the morning - they know where everything is and it is within reach - they put away their own clean laundry, so they know where it is! We started that by taking a pile of clean and folded laundry to their room with them and literally handing them one type of thing at a time - here are your pants, put them in the basket; here are your school jumpers, put them on the pile in the drawer; etc. We help our youngest in the evening to sort through the uniform he's taken off, and fold what can be worn the next day and put it ready in the corner - he puts the rest in his laundry basket. The next morning he gets the 'clean enough' items from the pile and adds socks, pants, vest etc. DD (8) is perfectly capable of getting herself dressed, and sees it as a privilege that she is considered capable - she gets to choose trousers/skirt, socks/tights, cardigan/jumper. She has to wear it, so she gets to choose it! She has found that it is tricky putting tights on clammy legs after swimming, so chooses socks on a swimming lesson day...

Does your DH feel this way about all the little rights/responsibilities that your DD may be old enough for? Does she have other chores at home? E.g. my two are responsible for setting the table and clearing away to the dishwasher/sink. They don't routinely wash up but can and will if asked - again, DS does the plastic stuff only for now (and it often needs redoing afterwards, but he enjoys feeling considered grown up enough to do it, and it will come with time) but DD does everything that is not too heavy or too delicate. We don't let her handwash our best glasswear, but she has started to be allowed to dry sharp knives after being taught how to do it safely. Both have helped with cooking (stirring, measuring, cutting with table knives, etc.) since they were old enough to stand on a chair to reach, but DD has been asking to be allowed to cook meals independently and we are letting her learn her favourites - including cutting with the sharp knives etc. Both get their own breakfast - toast, cereal, juice - although I help when the 6 pint milk bottle is full because it is too heavy, etc. I'm there, but it is their privilege to be able to choose their preferred cereal from the selection - much more fun than me choosing for them every day.

This has got a bit wordy, but my point is that DC love to learn - I don't feel that I'm forcing them to do anything, but just encouraging them to learn appropriate self-sufficiency. At Brownie pack holiday and on school residentials DD has to choose her own clothes every morning - am I a good parent if I have never helped her to learn to do that for herself? No teacher is going to go around every night and lay 30 sets of clothes out ready for the morning!

In year 7 DD is going to have to get herself to school on the bus, so in year 6 she'll be taking herself to school and back. Since year 3 I've been taking her to the playground and then taking DS into his classroom, just popping back to check DD has got herself into the classroom OK before I leave. And by the time they are 18 and, probably, go off to uni they'll be able to do their own cooking, cleaning, washing, budgeting, time management, and be able to think through the consequences and make choices that come to the outcome they want/need. Not because I've given them a six-week crash course over the summer holiday but because they've learnt those skills gradually and in a supported way.

Sure, they'll shrink some clothes along the way and no doubt turn a few white shirts pink, but that's part of the fun of growing up. When did your DH get the opportunity to choose his own pants in the morning? Can you think of this as a family as a good thing - a privilege rather than a punishment?

bodygoingsouth · 22/01/2014 11:17

look she's still only 10 so I can sort of see where your dh is coming from here. you sound very anxious to ensure she is independent and that's not a bad thing but would be more of a problem if dh was doing this got her at 13.. she's still quite young.

you perhaps need to relax, work in laughing about ' fussy daddy' in a nice way to your dd but don't turn this into a major problem.

the cooking sounds great keep that up.

trust me she won't want either of you sorting her clothes in a few years time, except to wash them. Grin

is she your only child?

pollyputthekettleonagain · 22/01/2014 11:38

yes and we tried for 13 years before ivf finally worked

OP posts:
pollyputthekettleonagain · 22/01/2014 11:38

thanks for all
the reponses

OP posts:
BookroomRed · 22/01/2014 11:44

My only child is still a toddler (albeit an extremely independent-minded one), but Jenny's post sounds like a kind, sensible approach to me, helping independence with reasonable, age-appropriate caveats.

meddie · 22/01/2014 11:53

jenny wren you sound very similiar to me. I also strongly believed that my job was to raise fully functioning competent adults.
From juniors they got themselves dressed, from seniors they were responsible for making sure their uniforms were clean and ready and that any extra stuff like PE kit was ready too. I was a bit mean though if they forgot their kit/homework I wouldn't take it into school and would let them face the consequences.. harsh but remarkably after doing that once or twice they never did again :)
my own mother was a smotherer and I left home at 18 and couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, because I had never had too. she bailed us out constantly.
mine left home to go to Uni able to wash,cook,budget,organise and self motivate. it was the best thing I could have done for them, even though they probably wouldnt have said so at the time, they now recognise the benefits.

TeenAndTween · 22/01/2014 12:28

I don't think either of you are wrong, it's just that you are inconsistent between you.
Maybe you need together to have a discussion about where you want/need DD to be (in terms of skills and independence) by the end of Primary, Secondary, College etc and then work back from there.

eg Does he still want to be getting her clothes out age 16? No? Then by what age does he think she should do it. What about cooking meals independently? etc etc.

She won't be able to be independent at 16 if you spring it all on her when she is 15.5.
There are things she needs to be able to do by secondary. Maybe list those and show how the mini-steps you are taking now are facilitating this.

As a much longed-for and awaited child, I can understand your DH's desire to baby and protect her, but he needs to let her grow up too.
You need to discuss, compromise, and also maybe discuss with your DD, perhaps linking self-reliance at home to extensions in freedom.
(With my DD we needed to link things - if you can't come home from the park on time, how can we trust you to go into town etc).

pollyputthekettleonagain · 22/01/2014 12:38

well she is going on a school residential trip before the easter holidays. I worry that she'll have a meltdown and its his FAULT.

I thought id been preparing her for it.... but the sneakiness of it that gets to me.... like they were colluding against me Sad

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 22/01/2014 12:43

Well, that's great really. You have 6 weeks to get her to be able to do everything she needs for the residential.
Make a list of what you think she'll need to be able to do
Tick off the ones she can do already
Work with your DH to get here there.

Sort out clothes in morning
Put clothes into laundry bag in the evening
Remember to brush own teeth
Brush own hair
Not leave clothes lying around to get lost
Pour own cereal out etc
Take bowls back to clearing up area after breakfast
Wash and dry own hair
Pack bag for return trip sensibly (put muddy boots into bag first etc)
Tie own laces
...

TartyMcTart · 22/01/2014 12:46

OP, she'll be fine when she's away with school. Don't panic!

FWIW, I get uniform ready every night for my two (6 and 9) and leave it hanging on their beds. I also pack DS1's PE bag and make their packed lunches. If that makes me a softie then to hell with it! For me, it's anything for an easier morning Wink Also, I think it's habit. It's just what I do in the evenings when sorting out everything after work.

DS1 has had school residentials, weekends away with cubs, sleepovers, etc. and he's never not been able to get himself ready.

frugalfuzzpig · 22/01/2014 12:49

Of course a 10yo should be able to sort her own uniform out, barring any SN.

His heart is in the right place but excessive cosseting is harmful IMO

frugalfuzzpig · 22/01/2014 12:52

TBH I'd not assume she will be fine at the school trip if she had a meltdown over uniform. It might be really difficult for her in a new situation away from home.

I love the list idea. Make it exciting.

It's hard watching our little ones grow up but independence is to be celebrated!

frugalfuzzpig · 22/01/2014 12:58

Actively hating the fact you are cooking with her is just weird. What reason does he give Hmm

nickymanchester · 22/01/2014 13:01

From your OP I get the impression that the two of you have never actually discussed this issue before.

If that's the case, how can he be undermining you if he isn't aware of your feelings on the matter.

Both jenny and bodygoessouth make good points. I especially like this:-

you perhaps need to relax, work in laughing about ' fussy daddy' in a nice way to your dd but don't turn this into a major problem

5Foot5 · 22/01/2014 13:08

Actively hating the fact you are cooking with her is just weird

I agree. I tried to involve DD in cooking with me from when she was very small and she loved it. When I had time we used to turn it in to a pretend game that we were both working below stairs in a Big House and I was Big Cook and she was Little Cook. As she got older the role play stopped but she still enjoyed helping and learning how to make things herself with minimal involvement from me.

Does he feel excluded by this activity do you think or is he just reluctant to face up to the fact that his little girl will eventually grow up?

LaQueenOfTheNewYear · 22/01/2014 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/01/2014 13:13

I would have a good chat to him and ask him how he expects her to cope at the residential trip, if he won't let her practice at home. When she goes to secondary she is going to have to be more independent - right books in the right classroom at the right time - is he going to follow her around with a timetable. He needs to help her by giving her a safe space to get her confidence so she isn't thrust into a new environment without the skills to deal with it.

DS1 is 10, he packs his own bag and sports kit. He can cook and he gets the bus home from school on his own. He loves it, he also loves cuddles, playing games and sitting chatting. DS2 gets up and makes his own breakfast if he is hungry - he is 6 and will get clothes out his wardrobe and get dressed on the weekend (usually not too random a combination Wink)

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