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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

differing parental styles

76 replies

pollyputthekettleonagain · 22/01/2014 09:46

DH and i have different parenting styles and until yesterday i thought that these were compatable but different but ive since found out that he has been undermining me.

the situation in question is getting ready in the morning.

I believe that if a child can dress themselves they should dress themselves becuase it teaches them independance
DH thinks that its a parents job to help them get dressed, and if they dont then they are a bad parent

As DD has got older i thought i was teaching her independence, by letting her get herself ready for school, she would check she had everything she needed and she would learn the consequences for not being prepared. Having said that, on occasion she has not had the right equipment for school i have taken it to the school later on that day. whenever she said 'you didnt remind me to have my pe kit' i would say... well it is your pe kit and im not the one who does pe, but i will go and get it for you

But it seems that DH has been undermining me. every evening he goes into her room and gets her uniform out and puts it on a hanger in her wardrobe (so i dont see it) He even puts knickers and socks on there for her ffs! if she has sports then the sports bag is on the hanger too

so she had a meltdown yesterday becuase he hadnt got her uniform ready and she felt that she couldnt do it herself. I helped her obviously, but now im well pissed off at him because we have a 10 year old who cannot pick what to wear when she has a wardrobe full of uniform.

AIBU? how do i challenge him, becuase i can see this turning into a huge row where he makes me feel like a bad mum Sad

OP posts:
elportodelgato · 22/01/2014 18:09

My DC are 3 & 5 and can both choose their own clothes each morning and get dressed without any assistance. They are proud that they can do this by themselves. If a child can do it then he / she SHOULD do it. Independence, self-reliance, pride in being able to do something without help - all v v v important.

My mate has a DSD who has EVERYTHING done for her still at age 13 & it's a bit sad really. She can't brush her own hair, run a bath, brush her teeth. I think it's verging on neglect to let a child get that old and not be doing those things for herself.

frugalfuzzpig · 22/01/2014 18:14

If my children got to adulthood without being able to look after themselves (their bodies and their living space) I would be feeling like I'd failed.

frugalfuzzpig · 22/01/2014 18:15

Judging by a lot of MN threads I'd say it's particularly common for men not to be able to do half the stuff they should. Cooking, laundry etc

wiltingfast · 22/01/2014 18:19

elportodelgato you are not seriously suggesting someone's 13yo can't "brush her own hair, run a bath, brush her teeth"?

Of course she can. It is nonsense to suggest she can't. If nothing else, she would figure it out pretty quick if left to it!

Equally, fine if someone has the time and patience to wait for a 3 or 5yo to dress themselves, but it is not the end of the world if you give them a hand either to get you all out the door...

Which is my point. This stuff is not rocket science and doesn't require extensive training or preparation.

OP she HAS been getting ready, her dad has laid her clothes out only. So what?

This is an unnecessary worry imo!

MrsFionaCharming · 22/01/2014 18:27

I don't have my own kids, but I work with them in a residential setting (think PGL type thing).

It's really, really obvious to us which kids are given independence when they're at home, and which aren't. It's amazing how many 10 year olds will get stressed in the mornings, and try to wear the same outfit everyday for 2 weeks so they don't have to try and choose a new one. Or who turn up for swimming without their towel/goggles/water-shoes, because they couldn't decide what they needed beyond their cossie.

Possibly their parents think they've done them a favour by doing this, but it just means that they get to spend less time doing the fun activities, and more time being sent back to their tent to change / collect the things they forgot.

CouthyMow · 22/01/2014 18:31

A TEN year old?! My 10yo with SEN and physical disabilities does this for himself. Last night he packed what he needed for today's school trip. I did his lunchbox. Your DH is doing your DD no favours, in just 18 months SHE will be expected to manage to organise herself FULLY for Secondary school!

Topseyt · 22/01/2014 18:44

I am of the benign neglect school of parenting, so your husband would probably not like me. Grin

My children have been having to do all of these things almost since they were in the infants. I would help them out in their very early school days just so that we could get out on time, but after a couple of years they were largely doing it themselves, and certainly well before they were 10.

My youngest is now in year 7 at secondary school. She is very scatty, but I leave her to suffer the consequences as it is the only way she learns. One day towards the end of last term she suddenly shrieked out "Muuuuum, I can't find my school skirt". She had come home in it the night before, so it was definitely there, just buried. My response of "Well go to school without it on then" would probably have horrified your husband. It had the desired effect though. She found the skirt pretty sharpish.

FrauMoose · 22/01/2014 18:56

I think I would be upset by a partner who behaved in such a secretive way, and who - over quite a long period - was sharing this secret with a child.

All parents will have differences at times about something to do with their children. But it does show a lack of respect. Good parenting is about doing your very best to work stuff out between you, and then be consistent with your kids.

Davsmum · 23/01/2014 12:00

Its bad enough when parents do stuff for their children that the child could do for themselves..but...

I know many women who pack for their husbands when they go on holiday - some because apparently, 'he' can't and others because they want to make sure 'he' takes and wears what they choose.
Both types are bonkers.

uc · 23/01/2014 12:13

I've only read pages 1 and 3 so sorry if repeating.

I was expecting you to say your DD was 5, not 10. A 10 year old who can't get her own clothes from a cupboard/drawer?? Presume it's uniform, so she doesn't have to make any decisions about matching colours, style etc. Really? My youngest has been getting himself dressed every morning since way before he was in reception.

Agree with Fraumoose too about respect - not only is your DH hindering your DD from learning how to get dressed on her own, he is also undermining you in a way that is totally unfair. He is effectively making it DD and him against you.

Like Topseyt, my eldest DSS (13) went to school on Monday in muddy trousers. His trousers had been on his floor all weekend after he got them dirty on Friday. On Monday morning, they were still dirty. He had to wear them to school. Next time, I expect he'll put them in the wash. I think he thought the washing fairy would do it over the weekend - despite us having had this conversation many many times before.

Original poster
pollyputthekettleonagain · 23/01/2014 13:03

i spoke to him again last night and he said that he didnt want her going to school in dirty clothes and he knows i would let her go out of the door like that.

OP posts:
NCISaddict · 23/01/2014 13:13

That sounds a very spurious excuse for undermining you. Surely the answer is then to teach her to pick clean clothes? It's not rocket science for a ten year old. If she came downstairs in dirty clothes then you tell her to go back and change.

Original poster
pollyputthekettleonagain · 23/01/2014 13:25

yes i would.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 23/01/2014 13:42

So it's your fault he did this behind your back, then? Hmm

He needs to at least accept that he should have had a discussion with you, not quietly arranged things so her care was done his way even when you were in sole charge, IMO. Blaming you when you've discovered that by a thinly-veiled accusation that you'd have neglected her otherwise is not on - plus, she's 10. That's plenty old enough to know dirty clothes go in the laundry basket at night and clean on in the morning. DS puts his clothes in the laundry basket in the bathroom before getting into the bath each night, and he is five years old. It's one of his two household chores each day (the other is putting his breakfast dish and spoon in the dishwasher before school). She's quite old enough to manage - as mentioned, I was a latchkey kid at 11 and perfectly capable of getting my own breakfast and uniform and books sorted, before getting to school, when I was alone in the house. I'd probably agree that was less than ideal, on a company basis rather than essential care basis, but the notion a 10 year old can't understand she needs clean clothes every day is silly. He doesn't have a lot of faith in her, does he?

hoobypickypicky · 23/01/2014 13:51

So it's your fault that he's infantilised your daughter so much that he fears that she would go to school in dirty clothes, is it?

And he's accusing you of being willing to allow her to attend school in dirty clothes?

And he's not holding his hands up and apologising for undermining you and going behind your back, teaching your daughter to be deceitful to you in the process?

He's not coming across as a very nice or respectful partner at present, is he?

LaQueenOfTheNewYear · 23/01/2014 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JingleJoo · 23/01/2014 18:08

Op YAN

JingleJoo · 23/01/2014 18:09

Oops

JingleJoo · 23/01/2014 18:09

Good grief! Yanbu op.

I lay out clothes for my

JingleJoo · 23/01/2014 18:10

Giving u

JingleJoo · 23/01/2014 18:10

Giving

JingleJoo · 23/01/2014 18:10

Up now!

frugalfuzzpig · 23/01/2014 18:18

Joo :o

missymayhemsmum · 23/01/2014 22:13

Well it's not a disaster if she has a mum who pushes her towards independence and a dad who cossets and adores her, so long as she actually starts to learn to do things for herself in a way that makes her feel confident, capable and supported not neglected or smothered, iyswim.
If you start at an assumption that she might go to uni at 18 and run her own home by her mid 20s, and work back from there, can you and your dh( and your dd?) come up with a shared plan for teaching your dd some life skills over the next few years?

(When my 2 went to uni they were v scornful of friends who couldn't cook/ wash up/ budget/ work a washer/plan a train journey/ unblock a toilet and only slightly envious of those who had never had to...)

Onesie · 24/01/2014 06:30

My 6 year old I get clothes out for, my 9/10 year old I don't. He is not letting her develop important skills (learning to prepare) for adulthood. The cooking is also an essential skill for adulthood and without learning it, your DD could end up living an unhealthy processed meals.