differing parental styles

[pollyputthekettleonagain]

DH and i have different parenting styles and until yesterday i thought that these were compatable but different but ive since found out that he has been undermining me.

the situation in question is getting ready in the morning.

I believe that if a child can dress themselves they should dress themselves becuase it teaches them independance
DH thinks that its a parents job to help them get dressed, and if they dont then they are a bad parent

As DD has got older i thought i was teaching her independence, by letting her get herself ready for school, she would check she had everything she needed and she would learn the consequences for not being prepared. Having said that, on occasion she has not had the right equipment for school i have taken it to the school later on that day. whenever she said 'you didnt remind me to have my pe kit' i would say... well it is your pe kit and im not the one who does pe, but i will go and get it for you

But it seems that DH has been undermining me. every evening he goes into her room and gets her uniform out and puts it on a hanger in her wardrobe (so i dont see it) He even puts knickers and socks on there for her ffs! if she has sports then the sports bag is on the hanger too

so she had a meltdown yesterday becuase he hadnt got her uniform ready and she felt that she couldnt do it herself. I helped her obviously, but now im well pissed off at him because we have a 10 year old who cannot pick what to wear when she has a wardrobe full of uniform.

AIBU? how do i challenge him, becuase i can see this turning into a huge row where he makes me feel like a bad mum

YANBU
Your DH is fussing.
Many 10 year olds help dressing and preparing younger siblings for school or nursery so they should certainly be expected to sort themselves out.

I hate hearing of parents who always do stuff for their children that they are quite capable of doing for themselves.

TEN!?

Bloody hell. I think I do too much for my 5 year old, because I dress him when we're late. Otherwise, he does it himself. Does your DH even know that personal independence is scored now in Reception and parents formally advised to encourage independent dressing, etc? She's at secondary school soon, how the hell is she supposed to cope if her most basic personal care is done for her?

Kids are sent to boarding school at 7. I don't agree with that on emotional grounds, but on independence grounds maybe it's no bad thing. My mum was a single parent who worked fulltime in central London, and by the time I was your dd's age I sorted out everything in terms of books, kit, clothes etc and had done some time. By 11, I was a latch-key kid. By 13, I was cooking supper for my Mum for when she got home from work. That was fine - I was perfectly capable. A generation before us, kids could and often did leave school at 14 for the world of work.

I think your job as a parent is to end up with a kid who doesn't need you. To do that, you need to give them more and more responsibility for themselves. Your dd isn't even allowed to take responsibility for dressing herself independently - he's doing her no favours.

I think parenting is one of the few jobs in this world where your aim is to become redundant and I'm certainly not from a neglected background.

She needs to have skills developed as she'll be at secondary school next year and the teachers will expect her to be able to organise herself and will have no sympathy with meltdowns from an NT child.

Why don't you show her Dad this thread and perhaps he will realise that it is not usual for a 10 year old to have everything done for them all the time?
Sometimes you might do things like this for them, I do for my much older DC's, just not all the time otherwise life is much more difficult for them.

Incidentally, his hating your teaching her how to cook worries me. That's an essential life skill for health and finance. Knowing how to cook simple, nutritious food is a massive advantage in life. It sounds like he's not ready for his baby to unfurl her wings a bit, which is understandable, but selfish. He will do her no favours if she ends up at university unable to do anything practical for herself. Over-sheltered kids were, along with the ones made to grow up too soon, the ones in all sorts of trouble. There needs to be a balance, and it sounds like you're aware of that and trying to strike it. I don't think he is.

YABU This is so not worth rowing over.

Do you really think your child is not going to learn to pick her clothes and dress herself?

What does it matter if he likes to do this for her? It won't be forever, I'd leave them to it. It will die away naturally.

Clearly your husband can dress himself and hasn't suffered any long term damage?

She's not in your sole charge you know, he does get to parent her too and just because his attitudes are different certainly does not mean they are wrong or likely to cause damage.

If you really feel you must say something, I'd tell him about the melt down in a non-confrontational way and express surprise she was upset and coped badly and see what he thinks.

Does your DH watch Big Bang Theory? Maybe tell him DD will end up like Wolowitz if he's not careful

Seriously though, I would tell him she is likely to face teasing at some point if her friends see how babied she is.

It's a confusing world for children to grow up in right now. On the one hand they get far less independence than they used to and aren't being expected to grow up into capable teens, and on the other hand they are growing up too fast in terms of getting things like phones, Facebook etc earlier - I'm not saying the latter is at all relevant to you OP I am just going off on a tangent here. But it makes me sad that children can be pulled in two directions at once.

...she's still only 10.. years not months

DS1 is quite unorganised and forgetful but a 9 has been getting himself dressed for school for 3 years though he has to go back upstairs for socks everyday

I do help my DC out, PE days etc are written on a notice board in the kitchen and I remind them to check the board.

My 6yo helps her 4yo brother get dressed sometimes and helps him choose clothes at weekends. She enjoys it.

I don't think it's a big deal either way - there is plenty of time and plenty of ways to teach her independence in the near future.

Would be great if she could get dressed on her own now - but no harm done if Dad does it for her.

I understand that you feel undermined and how these things can get to you, but I'd choose your battles. It's not like he's secretly packing crack in her lunchbox

my childresn dress themselves but I lay it all out for them, hav bags ready and packed lunches, thats a mums job!.

as a child I looked after myself from an early age and hated it, thats y I feel so strong about it now.

wen my dsc are here I do same for them and they always thank me and say how nice it is cause there mother doesnt.

that it though... i thought she had been getting herself ready since she was seven, but not if hes doing this behind my back.

we have spoken about this sort of stuff on numerous occasions which is how i know how the conversation will go.

she has been cooking with me since she could stand up! i dont think that its the coooking itself that hes worried about but her using the cooker at such a young age. he wont even let her make a cup of tea and she needed to do this for her brownie badge.

how can i teach her to be independent if hes going behind my back to do it for her?

10 is plenty old enough to be using the cooker if she has been taught to do so responsibly.

Why do some parents mollycoddle their kids so much?!

but my sis was letting her boy cook chips at 7 which is unacceptable. for me its about striking a balance

Yes it's all about doing it gradually so it's natural rather than forced and scary/overwhelming

I don't really think it's a Mother's job to do everything for children aged 10, it is a parents job to teach them how to do things for themselves. You can then do it for them sometimes but not all the time.
At 10 my DC's could get themselves dressed having picked their clothes out, sort their bags out the night before with some reminding admittedly and get their own breakfasts. I did work full time though and we had to leave the house at 7.45 so they were very used to helping by that age also they were used to helping with the younger ones.

TeenandTween made a great suggestion about discussing with your DH where you want her to be at what age, and what she needs to learn to get there. Perhaps also he may need some reassurance - just because she is learning to prepare simple meals/put her toys away/strip her bed on wash day doesn't mean that you expect her to be cooking/cleaning/ironing for the family, or even for herself only, at age 14. She doesn't do the grocery shopping, but you still let her learn the maths she'll need to check her change!

Would your MIL be any help? Did she really never let him near the kitchen, or does your DH just not remember it? Did he never make cakes/cook under supervision etc? Did he really come to your marriage incompetent and incapable, or did he learn somewhere along the way?

I had a friend that was so cosseted, that on an A-level residential trip, her hair didn't get washed properly for a week because her mum only packed conditioner and forgot to put the shampoo in.

It's easy to tell which brownies have no responsibility towards their personal care, and they soon become embarrassed when they struggle compared to their friends, and have exhausted leaders having to sort them out.

DS1 is 3 and with support is choosing his clothes, putting them on, washing himself, putting clithes in drawers. He wants to, and it's not that long before he'll have to cope with stripping for PE. He helps with things like the dishwasher, and sometimes cooking if theres a simple job like breaking mushrooms. It's early days, but his life will be easier if he learns how to be capable of looking after himself on school/scout trips.

Yikes mrsmook! Did she not realise there was no shampoo and ask one of her classmates?!

I think you are both trying to cosset her too much albeit in different fashions.

He is trying to make sure that she feels looked after on a daily basis and never ever has to take any risks.

You are trying to ensure that she never ever has to face a challenging situation for which she has not been prepared.

Imho you are both over worrying.

She won't melt if she has to sort out her own clothes or cook her own dinner.

Equally she won't melt if she suddenly finds herself on the residential in a situation which she hasn't rehearsed at home beforehand.

Yikes!! I am with all those who wish to be redundant! My DC are 7 and 6, and are very much expected to dress themselves for school every morning. All clothes are within reach so they just need to get on with it. The only task that requires help is my DDs hair...and doing her hair in the morning is sometimes a nice time to chat about stuff that's going on. My DS, 7 , loves cooking, and most Friday nights we do a meal together, which we both enjoy. There are plenty of other things that I do for them as a mum, but independence is so important...my SIL's children are in their mid 20's, and neither of them has ever done laundry or cooked a meal (and one of them lives on his own now!). That's neglectful, in my opinion. We are raising them to take care of themselves!

I think you both sound lovely in different ways and that your dd will be absolutely fine, an have loving relationships with both of you.

Please don't compete with him to be "right" and deprive him of caring for her which she likes, in the same way you can teach her to be independent - not necessarily all Orr nothing is it?

I think op you sound quite hurt by this and please don't take this the wrong way but defensive as if you feel your dh is indicating you should be more of the archetypical 'mum' who does everything.

I think this is making you feel on the defensive and you feel they are ganging up on you.

I suggest some mom and dd time. chat about stuff and include in this a bit of how you were raised ( if appropriate) and then giggle that Granny did everything for daddy.

tell her how proud you are of her cooking and how sensible and independent she is growing, help her sort out her wardrobe, give her ownership of her room by putting up some fairy lights, or a 'please knock' sign on her door.

don't make this a big deal with your dh, it will sort out and it's not worth it.

she will be fine with the trip. kids rise to most occasions.

His Mum proudly saw all this as proof of what a good Mum she had been. I think it proved what a shit Mum she had been This.

I was at school with a girl who was nervous of roundabouts when she first learnt to drive. Instead of taking her to practise on them, her mother devised elaborate routes so that she never had to negotiate one.

Interestingly she was the baby of the family and had 3 older, roundabout-trained siblings, so I think this was more about the mother not wanting to her grow up that my friend's actual abilities.

If you let dd take the consequences of forgetting her things in order to teach her how to remember them (fair enough), then you should also let dh learn the consequences of his behaviour (mollycoddling her) by making sure he deals with the tantrums and traumas.

Men are just stupid sometimes.