To still be with him?

[RalphLaurenLover]

I doubt this is the right place but atm I'm just not feeling loved and maybe I'm being unreasonable..

the beginning of this month me and do were having a serious conversation and he made it fully clear he doesn't 'love me like he use to' 'the spark had gone' he admitted to being lazy (never cooks as 'doesn't know how' (even emptying a can Into a saucepan). We both said we'd try more he'd try to learn how to cook and I'd stop being 'stressy'.

Since then he said he still doesn't love me like he use to, he will say he loves me when he's here otherwise he doesn't.

Yesterday he went 4 hours without texting because he said "I could of told him how my LO was, what I'd been doing, how I was and what I had planned for the rest of the day" yet when I did that today he told me there was no point in h replying because I told him everything .

He even said yesterday "isn't it ironic how you can't even make me erect anymore when I'm so touch sensitive" we use to have sex 3 times a day and we may have it 2/3 times a week if he's not to tired, busy, not in the mood, his tv programme is on etc.

Now I'm lying on the sofa because he's snoring, grinding his teeth and rolling in to me continuously in his sleep and I've had enough I just feeling like he's with me because it's easier and it's nice to have someone and he doesn't really love me anymore despite saying it. I however am madly in love with him

I'm nearly 21 and he's nearly 24 we've only been together 6 months

If you do have a child with this loser then you just know that he is going to make a massive deal of having to thumb it in soft to conceive. Seriously, this is not the fairytale. Move on.

Gosh he sounds awful.

Man room in your house to take precedence over what you and your DS need when he only works part-time and can't afford market rent? This one sounds like he has great potential to be a cocklodger of the future - I'd get rid before that happens.

Plus he's putting you down because he can 'only' get it up 3 times per week (which is a fair amount) while going home to him mum's house to sank over whatever?

Ask yourself if you would let anyone else speak to you like this. If the answer's no, then why put up with it from him. If it's yes, then I think you need to broaden your social circle because constantly being put down will do nothing for your self esteem, which in turn won't help you discern a good's from a bad'un (this one's a bad'un).

Move on - you're wasting your life.

Please get rid.

He thinks £130 a month is a lot of rent. He wants a 'man room'. He's already having erectile problems at 24 and blaming you (is he on coke or something?). And he makes you feel bad about yourself.

You will feel better for dumping him. At least you don't live together. Tell him to come back in 10 years when he's grown up.

He is a manchild who is never going to grow up.

Get rid. Don't waste any more of your precious time on this waster.

Dump him. Frankly, your DP may be part of the reason your DS is so clingy - it's a hell of a change having someone else in his life and I don't think this one is worth putting him through it.

Dump your waster of a 'man' and focus your attention on your DS.

My own DS was clingy and close to me at that age and also cried if left with others. He's now 4 years old and a total treasure - secure in his attachment to me, confident in himself.

You sound smart, but your judgment is clouded.

I was a single mum at 21 as well - I'm 25 now. It is hard and I know the prospect of going back to being on your own is a gut wrenching one especially when you've got used to the nice parts of a relationship, which exist even when there is bad - the company, having someone to text with your news/random thoughts etc, and I'm sure there are other good points to this guy as well.

The thing is it's not enough long term, really. Especially not when you have a child, god knows, it's hard enough looking after a child on your own - it's much harder when you're trying to do it with a partner who is not 100% on board, capable and supportive. I know it's only been six months, but this guy has so far drawn a blank on all three. He's not on board with what it means to have a child because he's coming up with all of this unrealistic stuff like wanting a "man room" and expecting to spend a lot of time there even if you did magically have enough money, space and rooms to spare. He's not capable because he hasn't actually done anything proactive in learning to cook. I'm guessing he doesn't do housework either if he lives with his mum. He doesn't even pay bills without moaning! Supportive, possibly although I can't see much practical support happening, 0.5 out of 3 isn't anywhere near enough.

You probably could drag it out a bit longer until it became totally unbearable, but for what? You'd do better to try and strengthen your relationships with friends (supportive ones, not people who tell you you're raising your DS "wrong" or that you should stay in a relationship which makes you feel unhappy), branch out, meet new people, do something for yourself, get a focus in your life other than your DS and a relationship which is going nowhere. What was your dream/life plan before you got pregnant? Is there anything you've always wanted to do? Even something that seems really impossible or mad like travelling around the world on horseback with only a loaf of bread . What makes you feel good about yourself - when was the last time you felt really alive?

At the moment it seems that you're making the mistake of placing your happiness, sense of worth, future plans etc all in this guy's hands and that isn't a good move. You need to create your own happiness, worth, and future, for yourself. Whether or not someone is around to share it with you should be by the by, a nice addition, not a necessity. I first read about this on mumsnet worded as "Always keep 75% of yourself back" and I thought that was crazy, no way to have any kind of relationship, until I realised that it just meant that you should never let too much of your happiness depend on another person - if you can create it for yourself, then you will not only be happier and stronger, you'll also be far more interesting, AND attract independent, capable, strong people as a result rather than leeches who just sort of limp along hoping everything will go right for them some day. What I reckon has happened with your man is that he liked your personality and really liked you for who you are, but the reality of dating somebody with a child has hit home for him and he's not really cut out for it. Plus the initial honeymoon phase of the relationship has worn off and it might simply be that he hasn't actually put enough into the relationship to see the real you and so the initial shine/attraction has worn off. That's not you - it's him!

It is harder dating with a child and it does put a lot of hurdles in the way but in some ways that's a good thing - it sorts out the people who are really going to be there for you long term, from those who don't really care enough to get their head around all of that and man the fuck up about it!

What Bertie said. Great post.

Thanks Bertie!

Great post Bertie!

Ralph are you going to dump him?

Or shall the ENTIRE Relationships board come round and do it for you? :)

You will feel OH so much better when he's out of your life.

And as for the comments about 'blaming you for your son being 'clingy' WTAF? I do hope you tell them to FTFO, no matter WHO the idiot is that spouts this nonsense?

Is this your parents/mother/father/family saying this? Is this the reason why you have so little thought for yourself? You do need to see how you are worth so much more than this.

For you and for your DS. 21 months old is an ADORABLE age btw, I remember when my now 8yo was that age, and he cried if I spoke a language he didn't understand, wouldn't want to be away from me.

He and I lived in extremely challenging circumstances, not seeing or speaking to many other people, not going out for weeks/months at a time.

He's fine now, sociable, intelligent and generally awesome. Your's will be too. He just needs a strong Mummy, a happy one and one that puts herself and her family (DS) first.

This is one of those times when everyone older reading this will tell you that at 21 you’re far too young to be worried about being single and they are right. But I remember when my (ex)BF dumped me at 21, I swear everyone I knew was in a relationship and I just couldn’t imagine how I would find someone to love and have the same as then.
Everyone seemed so settled and I was worried about not having the right social circle anymore to meet someone new. It can all seem so over before its begun at that age.

The worst thing I did was convince him to give it another go and 4 years later it was finally over and being fairly on and off. Don’t make the mistake of sticking it out because you’re afraid of being alone. Time goes by too quickly.

Sex does not equal love but I can see how the lack of it is worrying you, I feel rejected if we don’t have it often and I worry that my BF doesn’t feel the same anymore. It’s my issue.

Your BF sounds really immature and actually quite cruel. Start thinking about what it is you are madly in love with? Him or the idea of him (and the relationship / idea of becoming a family)? For me with my ex it was the latter.

You are NOT a sap. You've got a bit of the lovey-doveys, it happens. Doesn't mean you don't know what the right thing is to do. You DO know, and you WILL do it. That's why you posted here in the first place, you know this isn't any way to live, you didn't really need us to tell you. In spite of all this shite messaging about "sucking it up" you seem to be getting from your friends/family, I might add.

It's ok to dump someone because you know damn well they're not right, they're not worthy, and still have a good cry about it, for your own feelings and for what might have been. That's just life.

As to your 'too clingy' son (load of nonsense), do you take him to mother and toddler groups?

Let him get used to mixing with others with the security of you being there. It will help both of you.

wow 6 months - and you're like this?

dump already.

I think I'm I love with the idea of not being lonely not so much him anymore

No to the mother and toddler groups i don't really like other people hence why i was most probably single for so long, he sees my best friend and her DS who's 22 months though. We only see each other has been that way for about 7 years

If after six months it is already like this, it's not worth it. The 'spark' shouldn't be gone after six months.

Tell him to fuck off with his man room and his emotional blackmail, you will feel so much better. You DESERVE so much better.

Having someone around doesn't always stop you being lonely. Don't you feel lonely and shut out now? What exactly is going to change if you tell him to go?

You're in charge, this isn't a film, you don't have to wait and see what happens, you're in control of what happens.

Sorry if that sounds harsh - it's not meant to be! Have been where you are before and sympathise completely.

You will end up running around after him, run ragged, another kid on the way and then you'll be back here asking how to get rid of him.

FFW to my age (42!) and a few of my friends and indeed me were single (I'm now attached).

Sure there's loneliness but there's desperation and staying with someone because you fear being lonely which is what this is.

he has no respect for you. at all. end it before he starts using you.

I'd do what others say FORCE yourself to go to mum and toddler groups - not necessarily because you want to but to make friends, give your DS a chance to make friends etc.

I had a friend a few years ago single mum gave birth to DS and they WERE too close, she didn't want to take him to M&T groups and didn't but eventually she did, worked in a nursery and now works in a florist now her DS is 6.

YOU need to get out there. for every person you won't get on with there will be one you do.

and try joining Gingerbread which is for single parents. then you can meet like minded mums and dads and even get help with babysitting.

It's over.... I did it he didn't care

I am sorry you are hurt, love but it's no surprise that he doesn't care

Well done. You've definitely done the right thing. Now on to better things!

For what it's worth I don't necessarily agree going down the toddler group if it's not your cup of tea. .. I'm quite anti social and never went with either of my dc too but I did go back to work part time and did careful settling in sessions with a nursery for dd at a young ish age and I found working got me meeting lots of new people. I know you say ds has separation anxiety but the right nursery or childminder would help you settle him properly and then you would both have more fun long term.

I met my now dh on plenty of fish though ! Did kiss a lot of frogs first... yuck.

You'll find far better. Someone with a cock like Dappy's hopefully
Seriously, that man was a waste of space. You totally did the right thing. Well done

Excellent result.
He just wasn't good enough for you OP. You can do so much better than a manchild with a vocabulary that doesn't match his IQ.
Now you've ditched the bastard you are 100% more likely to meet someone much better.