To ask my boyfriend to move in with me after six weeks!

[mrscoleridge]

Hi

I have posted about my lovely boyfriend before. It was love at first sight and we more or less spent every day/night together since we met,
I am completely in love with him and want to ask him to move in, I have two kids 17 and 15 who like him a lot too. In fact he spent last weekend decorating the youngest ones bedroom!
I know it's far too quick really but it feels right. He gets on with all my family and friends too and makes a big effort to talk to them.

Please be gentle

[SuperScrimper]

There are the types of men who actively look for single Mothers, especially with daughters. I've seen it happen first hand. It was horrific.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

i would hope the majority of men who have started relationships with single mothers with daughters don't have ulterior motives. not all men are perverts.

[Pheasant32]

I'm brand new here, been lurking and reading for a few days but your post inspired me to join so I could reply.
I've done both; met and was engaged to my now ex-husband within six months, married within a year - but we had a fairly happy nine year marriage which I don't regret.
My next partner I fell madly in love with almost on sight, would have laid down my life for him, introduced my children, etc., etc., we planned to marry and I somehow - stupidly - failed to realise that the relationship had turned abusive. It started happening about three/four months after we met (and we spent virtually all of our time together or on the phone). The first time he just pushed me roughly then locked me outside in the snow in my underwear. I forgave him. Second time was similar. But it was the mental abuse that was the worst and will take a long time to recover from. He stopped me being the person I really am. Stopped me wearing clothes I like, stopped me seeing friends and family, refused to take me out with him because he claimed I was embarrassing. He demanded to know where I was day and night (we lived a hundred miles apart). He made me cry more times than I can tell you. All of my friends and family begged me to leave. He continually broke up with me and then deigned to take me back. He was physically violent when it suited him, he called me terrible things. I often felt threatened and I lost all my confidence. I wasn't allowed to eat food the way I wanted, or even what I wanted. If I didn't like something he would cook it and pretend it was something else. He made derogatory comments about my make-up. clothes, shoes and made me reliant on his approval to wear something. I bet you're all wondering why I didn't leave! The answer is that I confused abuse and submission with respect for him and I genuinely loved him. I forgave him his faults and there were many times when we were blissfully happy. He was and is a very popular man, extremely intelligent and stunningly attractive. He's kind to others to a fault and is extremely generous. However I believe at heart that he's an abusive misogynist. He had a traumatic childhood which has left deep scars - which he doesn't recognise. Despite this I was mad about him, gave him 100s of £s and spent well into the thousands on/with him. At the time I believed that he had no money but I now think he was just having me on. On one occasion when I went back to him my friend burst into tears because she was so afraid for me. People downloaded information about abuse, and emailed me videos about it. I refused to listen and told myself they just didn't understand.
Eventually I put myself in a position where he I knew he would be refuse to be with me (told him I'd been unfaithful, which I hadn't) because I didn't have the strength to leave. The very next day I felt like a weight had been lifted and each day since I feel an excitement about my life now that I'm not being controlled and bullied by him.
I'm not for a second suggesting that your man is the same - but six weeks into my relationship with X I would have married him on the spot, no problem. I had total, overwhelming belief in our relationship. Just be cautious, be aware and look after yourself. xx

[CromeYellow]

It takes time to get to know people properly and at six weeks you only know the surface. You haven't a clue about someone's true nature until you've seen them at their worst rather than best behaviour and had a few disagreements/arguments and seen how they respond to conflict. He might be the nicest guy, very hardworking, outwardly respectable but that could be a very different person to who he is to live with. Six weeks is way too early to even consider it.

[AnyFucker]

I am sorry you went through that, pheasant

[waltermittymissus]

Pheasant I'm so glad you got out.

[Ra88]

Why would you Ben introduce him to our children after such a short time ?? I absolutely hate people that do this and think it puts innocent children at risk !

[LividofLondon]

What's the phrase..."act in haste, repent at leisure"! IMO it's too soon to live together, too soon to make any financial commitment together, and it's way too soon to have him live with your children. You're still in the honeymoon phase where he's watching his Ps and Qs so you really don't know the real him yet no matter how it seems.

I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the number of men I thought were the dog's bollocks at 6 weeks into the relationship, but turned out to be just bollocks at 12 weeks. Take your time. The dating part, spending time round each others places, is the fun romantic part and cohabiting isn't nearly as romantic as we're led to believe!

[Whatnamenext]

Bloody hell. I normally read these threads and just move on. You posted about him 13 days ago saying it was all crazy and intense. You were scared it would go wrong... He told you his last gf died less than a year ago... He asked you for exclusivity after One date; and you met him ONLINE????

Come on!!

How can you not see the poppy field red of red flags in front if you!

[maddening]

Did you know him before you got together? Do you know his friends and family etc?

[yetanotherstatistic]

Mutton yes I was at renting too. How long before the business is going through a sticky patch I wonder?

OP - have you been dating much? If you've not been doing so your bullshit warning system might be a bit rusty. I met someone when I was slightly younger than you and fell headlong for him. He too seemed very helpful, was liked by people and there seemed to be loads of chemistry. Despite my degree I failed to spot that he became keener when he realised I had my own house and was financially solvent.

He proposed moving into my house as he was changing jobs and needed a new place. Gradually I was fed stories about his financial history and the misfortunes he had suffered. Trying to treat him as I would want to be treated I supported him as he theoretically got back on his feet.

Eventually the money ran out and so did he. A very expensive lesson to learn. I never thought I could be taken in by a cocklodger but I was.

Please think again. It's a terrible age for your dcs to be subjected to such an upheaval (let alone the child protection angle). Enjoy the dating, be extremely cagey about your financial affairs and don't whatever you do let him have any rights over your future property ( the one sensible thing I did). If he is unhappy about any of that don't walk away RUN.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

No one is saying anything bad about this man, just that you don't know him.

[Whatnamenext]

So presumably you've been with him since December. But Ime Xmas/new year is usually really out of the normal routine; late nights, eating, drinking, parties...

How how how can you think you know him???

[FudgefaceMcZ]

I wouldn't, but then I have been with boyfriend over 2 years and won't move in because scared of becoming trapped if he changed and of not having own space. My ex moved his girlfriend in very quickly and they are still fine, but I think that is more luck than judgement really.

[drivingmisslazy]

I moved in with my dh about the same time and 15 years later still happy together, but then we didn't have kids then. I think with the kids concerned I would wait a bit longer.

[DameDeepRedBetty]

for Pheasant32. It's terrifying how easily perfectly sensible people can be sucked in isn't it?! And welcome to MN

[mameulah]

It is great that you have found each other.

If it is worth it, because you have kids, wait.

Make sure he is who he says he is. And that he has a decent bank account. You don't want to find out in a few weeks or months that he has money problems or a really short temper.

If it was just you then no worries. But because it isn't just you it would be worth double checking.

[Anniegetyourgun]

i would hope the majority of men who have started relationships with single mothers with daughters don't have ulterior motives. not all men are perverts.

Well, of course. I hope and believe the same. But the problem is, after a little over a month's acquaintance it's not usually possible to tell which is which.

Very few people would snatch your handbag and run away with it, but you still don't leave it unattended on the Tube, do you? Or do you?

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

but then what's the explanation for men who have been married for years and turn out to be knobs? i'm not saying for a second that 6 weeks isn't too soon but doesn't automatically mean he's an evil bastard.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Vampyre nobody is assuming anything, but she doesn't know. There s always a chance that a person could end up being a wrong un. When you have children you can't afford to be cavalier.

[sparklyskyy]

My first thought, and the rational side of me, thinks that it's way too soon however if you both feel like that now then why wait? If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. No one can predict the future and why waste months waiting when you both feel it's right just now.

If your kids were younger then I'd say definitely wait but they're old enough to know their own mind and if they're on board then go for it .

Ok, it might be the wine talking tonight but I'm a hopeless romantic.

[Dinosaurdrip]

I was with DP for about 3 months when we moved in together. I got pregnant the first time he looked at me and we decided to make a go of things. So many people told us it was too soon etc but 7 years and 3DC later we are still together. If you think it's right, go for it!

[AnyFucker]

Give up the sparkly

What has your hopeless romantic side got to say about OP using money from the sale of her house to set up home with this guy and her two teenage girls who she met online 6 weeks ago whose previous gf died less than a year ago ?

[AnyFucker]

Dinosaur your situation isn't the same so not sure why you use your example to urge Op to go ahead with this crackpot plan.

[TheCatThatSmiled]

A, 90% chance hes a good guy, you move in, its all wonderful.

B, 10% chance hes actually a really good actor, discovers he's not up for it after 6 months, has lied about his finical status, or just a complete wanker.

if its A and you wait, it will still be amazing, wonderful, best thing you ever did.

if its B and you don't wait you risk you home, financial security, sanity, your and your children's happiness.

If it was me I'd enjoy this dating period, before he moves in and all the normal day to day stuff takes a bit of the shine off.