AIBU to sleep train my 7mo baby because of my MH?

[mrsemiliasmyth]

DD2 is 7months old. As a tiny baby she slept well, then the bloodyHV persuaded me she should be waking to feed at night and I like a look started waking her at 4am to feed her. I suffer from PTSD from my first delivery and depression which has recently worsened after DD2's arrival so getting enough sleep was just about keeping me sane.

The past few months her sleep has got worse, and worse and worse, she is more and more miserable and I have been getting close to losing the plot in a big way. I am so tired I can't string a sentence together, my efforts to play with both DC (older DD has learning delays) during the day have now descended into flinging open the doors of the playroom and literally letting them play with anything.

Friday night was bad like so so bad, then last night was worse. I had to cancel work today because I felt sick through tiredness (started back 3 weeks ago). I've done every trick in the book re settling, we've kept her cot next to the bed in the spare room and I sleep in there and we usually end up cosleeping but now she won't even sleep then. Today I just sobbed all over DH, I am meant to writing my PhD thesis - there is so much riding on me getting this work finished before the summer - not just finances (which will become dire once I run out of funding) but also looming career opportunities. My depression and anxiety is getting past the point of being able to cope day to day.

So. I am stressed and massively sleep deprived - bone weary exhaustion.

AIBU to sleep train DD2 - if she is warm, fed, dry and safe in her cot (we have video monitors) to just put her down awake and sit out of sight? What if I wake the whole house every time she wakes up? DD1 still won't sleep through at 3 and this household cannot cope with the little sleep we are currently getting night on night on night, AIBU?

You do what you have to do to cope. Get your dh to help you. The responsibility doesn't all lay with you.

7 months is very young to try sleep training in my book. I do understand, I was an absolute mess for two years with DD. A couple of things... does DH do at least half the nights? Do you take turns so that everyone gets some rest on the weekends? When you say 'sleep training' are you talking about leaving DD to cry it out or could you look at gentler methods.

I ended up with a method of my own, cobbled together out of suggestions and books. I never left DD for longer than about a minute or two and started with a few seconds so she would always know I was coming back. This was at a year, though, so she could understand.

Emilia: I think you are just expecting to do too much.

A baby, a toddler and a thesis.
Do you go to work too?

What does DH do to help?

Yanbu. The current situation is bad for everyone.

You would be unreasonable, seven months old is very young, right now she still needs you when she wakes up. I'm saying that very gently, because it is true, but I do understand.

What can you do to make your life easier? Are you breastfeeding? Can you co-sleep? Can DH do more to help you out? Do you have to be back at work right now? Is childcare for older (or even both) DC's an option, to give you some time?

You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself right now.

Something has to give - just don't make it the most vulnerable and needy one. What's being done for in terms of your Mh issues? Maybe it's time to go (back) to the GPs and ask for more or better support, meds, etc. Please look at how to tweak and improve all the other factors before you try CIO with your very little baby. Every study done it has shown it to have lasting negative effects on the brain.

What does your DH do, and can he not do more? What about doing more to get DD1 tosleep through? What other help is there available to you (family, etc.)? Can you not postpone your thesis for a bit? As a PhD graduate, I know how mindfuckingly hard it is when your lifestyle and health are optimal. You are simply asking too much of yourself to be working on it right now. Forget what is riding on it upon completion, concentrate on surviving in the here and now, for a while at least.

PS Meant to add that sleep training is no guarantee that her sleep will even improve. At her age, it's entirely normal for her sleep patterns to be how you describe. BTW, many babies sleep like a dream in the early months and go through a 4 month sleep recession. This happened to my Ds, and to so many children of friends and family; it probably wasn't anything you did that made her change.

YANBU. I sleep trained mine (PUPD, not CIO) younger and I wasn't going through any of that. (And they are happy children and I am happy because we all get enough sleep, before anyone flames me for child cruelty).

I can't believe the HV told you to wake a sleeping baby to feed her! Surely she will wake up if hungry?! Anyway, I for one do not think you would be at all unreasonable to sleep train. DD has slept through since she was 16 weeks old and is now 2 years, 7 months and is still a brilliant sleeper averaging 12 hours a night. You need to do what is best for you and the whole family.

My older girl didn't sleep longer than 45minutes at night until she was over two years old (she has muscle spasms associated with cerebral palsy) and she cried every minute of every hour of every day. And I never left her, not once to CIO. And I was working then as well.

But this feels different. DD2 is healthy and I don't need to be paranoid about being right next to baby all the time. I am beyond exhausted. That's a genuine exhaustion. I can't delay returning to the PhD, it needs to be finished and the work published - but to be able to write I have to be able to think, and I simply cannot think when sleep deprived and depression also interferes with me being able to concentrate and that is also made worse by lack of sleep.

I do cosleep but I don't want to anymore, thats personal choice but I want to sleep next to my husband after three long years of bed hopping with dd1 (he looks after her every night all night) I need some normality.

I just know we cannot continue like this. We simply can't. I don't want to sit crying in my bed at 3am because this baby is screaming through tiredness. I breastfed long term with dd1 so no intention to stop but we are at wits end so also intending to night wean about 9 months.

My aim is to simply lie her down awake, and sit with her until she falls asleep. If she cries pick her up and settle her, then lay down. Ad infinitum. And gradually sit further and further away from the cot.

YABU throwing yourself on the mercy of AIBU then. If you have to, and you have decided to, you don't need anyone else's opinion except DH's.

YANBU

Some babies become alert and over-stimulated by you hovering next to them. I don't think there is any problem having a bedtime routine, followed by leaving her for short periods and waiting before you go in.

Controlled Crying, in other words

I sleep trained my dd when she was 6 months old (shoot me!). It saved my sanity. I was at breaking point. Once she slept through the night, she was happier during the day. Our whole lives changed. I used to cry all day before.

I now have 2 children who sleep for 12 hours straight...(smug, much?!)

I figured I'd get some decent responses, its bot because of the work I need to do - its more my concern for my state of mind that prompted rhe feeling this has to change. And hence me asking whether it was a valid reason to sleep train.

Guilt I suppose.

Yes it is a valid reason. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

I know you posted here for a range of responses but people can be harsh and will make ridiculous claims such as; you will brain damage your baby. So, be sure to take everything you read on here with a big pinch of salt. Are you receiving any support for your PTSD?

It feels like our entire lives at the moment are about cat napping and turn taking over sleep, this weekend we have done absolutely nothing constructive. We haven't gone out, we haven't spoken to anyone on the phone, we didn't even bother getting dressed yesterday. We are all so tired.

Those that have done sleep training (and by the way I'm not leaving her alone to cry, I'll stay with her, its just that she will be in her cot not my bed or being fed) how long was it before you saw improvement?

YANBU.

Two nights and my dd slept through

I don't think I'm the right person to advise (like you still up at night, one child with SEN, another with physical disability) but what you plan doesn't sound unreasonable. I think I did something similar with DS1 - used to make sure he wasn't hungry and sat by the cot till he dropped off. I really feel for you - do you have a friend in rl who has been successful with getting babies to sleep? I'm due DC3 any day and am planning on getting advise from my SIL who seemed to have some good strategies for coping and has done well with her son who's one now. It does so depend on the child though (my mum had 4 - 2 were sleepers, 2 were dreadful at night) so don't beat yourself up if it's not successful.

I hope you get some sleep soon.

Yes, thank you, I have weekly therapy through the mental health services and we have a Homestart volunteer as well to help with DD1 as her behaviour is challenging - ironically she really does have brain damage hence the cerebral palsy.

I don't therefore give much credit to the concept of teaching baby to settle gently in her cot (like pp I wouldn't leave her crying) creating brain damage. But everyone is entitled to their opinion.

You have replied but seem to have ignored all questions about your DH and him helping.

You talk like this is all your problem and yours alone.

I bought a kindle book called Moms on Call by American writers - followed the regime in there for my 6 month old & she was sleeping through in a week. I am the least sleep training promoter ever abs my first didn't sleep through until 2 1/2!! But with 2nd I was too exhausted do enjoy them at all. It was a rigid routine for a week & then my fab sleeper was back. Do what you need to do to regain your sanity & health, your baby will be fine & enjoying life not just surviving the days will seem possible again.

I would totally and utterly 100% do what you are proposing! even if I only had a third of the other things you have on your plate.

Really, do what you need to to get some sleep, at the moment you are making yourself ill.

So sorry you're struggling mrs.

Been there (similar anyway). I could cry just remembering the exhaustion and the anxiety.

I think 7 months is too young to leave to cry. I believe its cruel. So hard to know why they're crying and be sure nothing is wrong. At the same time I understand the desperation.

I know you've got loads on your plate. Something has to give but its so sad that it should be the 7 month old baby who takes the hit.

Is there anything else at all you can do (favours to call, offers of help to take, delaying of exams???) to get through this terribly difficult time?

Best wishes to you all. One day you will look back on all this shudder with horror.