AIBU to sleep train my 7mo baby because of my MH?

[mrsemiliasmyth]

DD2 is 7months old. As a tiny baby she slept well, then the bloodyHV persuaded me she should be waking to feed at night and I like a look started waking her at 4am to feed her. I suffer from PTSD from my first delivery and depression which has recently worsened after DD2's arrival so getting enough sleep was just about keeping me sane.

The past few months her sleep has got worse, and worse and worse, she is more and more miserable and I have been getting close to losing the plot in a big way. I am so tired I can't string a sentence together, my efforts to play with both DC (older DD has learning delays) during the day have now descended into flinging open the doors of the playroom and literally letting them play with anything.

Friday night was bad like so so bad, then last night was worse. I had to cancel work today because I felt sick through tiredness (started back 3 weeks ago). I've done every trick in the book re settling, we've kept her cot next to the bed in the spare room and I sleep in there and we usually end up cosleeping but now she won't even sleep then. Today I just sobbed all over DH, I am meant to writing my PhD thesis - there is so much riding on me getting this work finished before the summer - not just finances (which will become dire once I run out of funding) but also looming career opportunities. My depression and anxiety is getting past the point of being able to cope day to day.

So. I am stressed and massively sleep deprived - bone weary exhaustion.

AIBU to sleep train DD2 - if she is warm, fed, dry and safe in her cot (we have video monitors) to just put her down awake and sit out of sight? What if I wake the whole house every time she wakes up? DD1 still won't sleep through at 3 and this household cannot cope with the little sleep we are currently getting night on night on night, AIBU?

YANBU you sound at the end of your tether.

It took us 3 days. First night was horrible. DS was 7 months, I let him cry for 3-5 minutes at a go, let him know all was well and then left him again. I sat outside the door and read a book. 2 night it was better, he cried less. Third night hardly any crying. 4th night he settled in his cot happily and slept.
I don't give a crap that people some times say controlled crying is cruel. I had not slept for longer than 4 hours for over 8 months at that stage.
He was happiet, I was happier.
I do suggrest you leave the room though. Surely you hovering over the baby will just confuse things. Good luck!

100% do it. Yanbu. Good luck x

I'mm sorry - I thought I'd answered that question, DH deals with dd1 who is up anywhere up to 8 times a night - she has muscle spasms from cerebral palsy. Asking him to help with baby dd2 seems a bit rich although last two nights he has come and helped with her.i struggle to deal with dd1 at night because she can be a handful.

Sorry for the typos, building lego and also traintrack.

Maybe sounds silly but is it that she is hungry? My dd only wakes if hungry or teething, I really feed her up before bed so tea (solids) of pasta and veg and fruit pot and a rusk and then 9 oz milk an hour after that.

Also sorry, do you have a good bed time routine?lime tea,bath bottle bed same time every night?

Also Controlled crying doesn't work for everyone.

The people who it doesn't work for just don't tend to shout about it as much.

You say your DH is up with DD1 who has muscle spasms. Sorry I don't know anything about this, but is this typical? Could this be any better controlled with medication? I would ask on the health boards about this. They both must be exhausted too.

Do what you feel is right. Five minutes of crying won't hurt anyone.

I can only give you my own experience. I'm currently coming out of zombie mode with my dc3 who was a constant waker (hourly) and bf most of the night.

He's just over 8 months and I thought enough is enough. I stopped bf at night as this was encouraging co sleeping as I feel asleep whilst feeding lying down. He has three meals a day and frequent feeds so in my head I knew there was no need for him to feed at night. He now goes down well at 7 with a little crying, I dream feed him at 11pm so I know he is nice and full so if he wakes during the night I feel confident to let him have cry or give him his dummy. He does cry and grumble during the night still but he is learning to go back over.

Mrs have you read the book French children don't throw food. It offers an idea of how to sleep train but in a gentle way. It may help.

The 7 month baby isn't taking a hit. She is only doing some form of gradual retreat from the cot not putting her on the roof.

I hope people are not going to start making a guilt wracked exhausted person feel worse.

I did CC to ds1 as when I bumped the car due to tiredness. he was 14 months old.

never looked back. did it with all my other 3 at 7 months or so.

fantastic. do what you need to do to cope.

lack of sleep is dreadful looking at you dd2

helping your baby learn yo self settle is good. I'm putting dd2 down awake and not always feeding her.

leaving her to cry is not that nice but that is not what you are proposing.

dd2 is 5 month and we are working on these skills.both my two like time on their own to winge and drop off except since dd2 became 4 months

sorry if this is disorientated. I'm knackered and one handed while bf

I think what you are thinking of trying sounds ok. I would give it a go. It won't harm your baby to cry for a few minutes at a time.
You need to try something, and that seems a sensible option to me. It may not work, but you won't know unless you try it.
Is your DD1's doctor aware of how often she wakes in the night? Would it be worth talking to them to see if the can change her meds / offer some help with her sleep?
I wish you lots of luck.

dont think you are being unreasonable. I have a 12 month old who I have not sleep trained and his sleep goes up and down and he sometimes sleeps through. My dp was working nights for a couple of months last year, I was studying in the day and I never felt like I got any down time, in hindsight we should have sleep trained, a couple of nights of crying but days with a restful energetic parent is worth it in my opinion.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

Yanbu. At,all. I left both my girls to cio very young. Took 2 days for each child. They then went on to sleep 12 hours per night ever since. They rarely wake up. Cumulatively they cried far less than any child whose parents go in for every slight noise. It's also important for them to sleep properly, which they do.
So, it really really gets my goat when people on here say cio or cc is cruel. Quite the opposite I would say.

I agree arethereany. The amount of people I know who have got sick of co-sleeping/getting up with their toddlers and suddenly decided to make them CIO makes me . That's much more cruel, surely, than teaching a baby to sleep. It's easier with babies, too!

DD1's doctors don't give a shit about us as parents unfortunately, she isn't considered severe enough for muscle relaxing medication. DD1 was given melatonin for a while and the difference in her behaviour and movement in the day was incredible - before her baby sister started waking her up at all hours she was up just one or two times.

Bedtimes aren't the problem, but I am considering a bottle before bed because at the moment dd2 is so tired she falls asleep before she has a belly full. That said she does eat well qns although she wakes and feeds at 10 onwards she never seems to drink much.

YADNBU. I don't know how you are even coping. Sleep training was the only thing that saved my sanity, and rather than making me cruel, I saw it as giving my DD a gift; she benefited from being well rested, and having the ability to settle herself is, in my opinion, a valuable skill. You sound like an utterly selfless mum who is at the nd of her rope; go for it and best of luck!!

Please ignore the stuff spouted about brain damage from CIO. It's based on extremely faulty assumptions.

You sound like you desperately need a break and have a lot on your plate. Good luck whatever you decide.

If you do try sleep training then decide on your approach then do it consistently.

YADNBU. The method you're going to try is very gentle. I am very against CC but that is not what you are doing. You are going to be with her and comforting her, doing pick up/put down type method. Sounds very reasonable to me. Best of luck with it, you really do need a break.

I think serious depression in their mum is worse for kids than controlled crying (what you describe isn't CIO, I don't think). I also think that your needs aren't irrelevant, just because your child's are more important right now, and I know plenty of people who used CIO whose kids are delightful and who have lovely relationships with them.

I co-slept until DS was 2 and still get up to him if he wants me. I've never left him to cry and did the full attachment gig. But I was a SAHM: if I'd been working, he'd have had to cope with controlled crying, too. My sanity and our financial survival would have required it. And the studies are done mostly on seriously neglected kids, not normal families who just need more sleep. Frankly other studies show long term detrimental effects of acutely depressed primary carers, so protecting your mental health is also very much in your baby's interests. There are no perfect answers in parenting IME and in our case, DS and DH took longer to bond than they might have because DH's hours, to facilitate my SAHM status, were killer. You have to do what you can, and love them and hope for the best. Nobody has all the answers, and I side-eye anyone claiming otherwise.

Christ, YANBU. Can you improve your three year old's sleep too? Your HV sounds unhelpful, but my sister's helped her with her two boys, who had driven her literally batty between them. She was on the verge of walking out after not really sleeping for two years for more than a couple of hours.

Sorry, missed that your DD1's doctors are uncaring gits :(

Totally agree perfect storm, great post.

There are so so many variables, every family set up is so different.

With the external pressures you have right now you need to do something, is my opinion.