A word about 'bullying' in AIBU

[Alifelivedforwards]

Looooonnng time poster/leaver/lurker/delurker/name changer (let's say I have a love/hate relationship with Mumsnet like I know a lot of you do!).

The 'bullying' issue comes up again and again on AIBU.

In my opinion what happens is that there is so much traffic on here and if your OP pushes lots of buttons (usually in a negative way ie people strongly disagree with you) you will get a lot of responses very quickly.

Therefore you will get the same comments from many people who are cross posting with each other so it feels like people berating you as one gang.

Also, despite cries of 'RTFT', people don't always because they don't have time, so they might be repeating what others said.

I really don't think it's 'bullying', though of course sometimes people go too far and are unpleasant.

To those who say people turn into aggressive arseholes on AIBU - no it's pretty obvious that on an anon internet forum people can just be more direct and speak the thoughts they have in real life!

AIBU???

God yes HaroldLoyd
I suggested years ago that they should actually have a fight club section. Just get it over with.

Often bullying is more likely when there is overwhelming 'YABU' as the 'persecution' mentality comes from some knowing they are safe and protected by the 'majority'.

Sometimes I do feel sorry for posters' children...but sometimes I feel sorry for my own children!

I think one of the most valuable things about this site is that people are straight talking and call each other out on unreasonable behaviour.

Sometimes people need to hear the truth in bald language. But not vicious language.

It's a tricky balance.

I still don't think it's bullying in 99% of cases, what EdithWeston said really.

See I don't like the blanket view that AIBU is a nest of spitting 'bullying' vipers - I am nice and reasonable and can even be helpful. I also have my cuntish moments I am sure

Bullying is often an accusation thrown around by posters who people don't agree with - I saw one yesterday go from AIBU to 'bullies' in 39 posts and it was fairly tame to be honest

Yes there are people who come here looking for fights but that applies to both respondents and thread starters

I also get very pissed off with the people who post on every thread 'get this moved to X,Y,Z OP you wont get any help here' at every chance (PA gits ) and the 'opens popcorn ...marks page' crap

I am nice with a slight covering of cunt but I am no bully

Not RTFT should be against talk guidelines IMO, or at least read the OPs posts to see whether there has been a shift from the OPs original BU throughout the thread, you just look like a dick otherwise.

But Beverley as I said upthread how on earth is it enforceable to make people read the thread?

And as adults can't we choose to use this site as we want - I may not want to read 21 pages of posts and if MN Towers told me I had to I'd feel a bit fucked off to be honest.

As I've also said, I do try to read the whole thread and usually do but it's not always possible desirable.

Absolutely, Beverley!

You sometimes see an OP saying, "Okay, I realise IABU, and now I will act accordingly", and still you get people saying YABU.

I don't think everyone on aibu is cunty.
I use it

But I do think we are shockingly tolerant of really unpleasant posts. Just because we post in a reasonable straight talking way doesn't make us holier than thou when we let 'you are a fucking nutjob' pass without comment. Because when we don't say 'oi, that's unnecessary' we are accepting that tone as just dandy.
I have much more respect for the posters who post criticisms of the boorish, aggressive posters

(It is enforceable to tell people not to make personal attacks because then HQ can delete your posts.)

Yy Beverly.

fair point - I agree Pag - I ignored that 'nut job' comment because I was thinking the same actually didn't think it was that bad but in retrospect ...

Often I ignore posts like that because I think they are designed to divert attention from the actual thread and cause a bun fight

Was that the toilet door thread?

That was odd, even for AIBU standards.

I think Mumsnet would implode if people were told they must RTT.

It's very controlling and not in the spirit of MN or any internet forum really.

What would happen, would they be deleted? Blocked? And how would it be policed by HQ and wouldn't it just lead to even more off topic posts about what people can and can't do on here?

I do report posts fairly regularly, and sometimes post to say so, and why, but then I wonder if I'm coming over as being PA or PO and get all stressed . And sometimes the best thing to do with an ignorant nasty post is to leave it, as it's proof positive that poster is not worth listening to.

I think there is certainly more unpleasantness of late. I have also been subject to being followed from thread to thread by the same person who has put the boot in and brought up information from old posts to put it in further. She's still around and responds nicely to my posts in a new name now.

There is no excuse for some of the personal insults being bandied about on here at the moment. If I did it; I'm sure I would have mud flung in spades but just like at school there are one or two who seem able to find a tiny soft spot and twist and turn the knife because it must give them a sense of satisfaction and somehow other people think that's funny.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and to express it but I really don't understand when it's expressed in a reasonable way there are others who then tend to fire abuse back rather than reasoned argument.

I'm seriously thinking of leaving and I am beginning to wonder if MNet is finding difficulties maintaining advertising etc., because I'd have thought that those advertisers going for the traditional MNet market might just be starting to wonder whether this is an appropriate place for them.

But posting without reading the thread (or at least skimming through to get the key points) makes posters, particularly the aggressive, self-satisfied type, look really stupid. A nice reminder at the top might be helpful...?

Near the Windmill - what you describe (followed from thread to thread etc) is what I would call bullying. Btw how do you know they are now nice to you under a different name? Did they tell you new nickname?!

I think some of you may be missing the fact that outside of your lovely middle class toddler group lives, there are lots of people who do in fact call someone a fucking nutjob in real life if they feel it is warranted. This is not because the internet gives people anonymity, it's because some people use other social tools than manipulative coercion and exclusion to express disapproval, such as direct communication of their thoughts.

Bullying involves singling out an individual and picking on them. I've only seen this once on AIBU, when someone decided to wank on about someone else's 'lack of moral compass' on a completely different thread because on one thread they'd dared to suggest that men who didn't want a pregnancy took their own responsibility for contraception instead of expecting all women to drug themselves and then cry 'tricked into fatherhood' when pregnancy occurred- not in fact an outrageous opinion at all in real life terms.

Therefore, OP, YANBU really.

I think it's a step too far I really do.

I get the rules/guidelines about personal attacks and trolling and disablist posts of course - RTT is too controlling and frankly none of HQ's business (though I understand why many of you are saying it).

God yes. It's class that makes people verbally incontinent.

I've seen bullying, from a particular poster, who was always to be found on another posters threads, telling her, quite nastily, IMO, that her DP was abusive, and she was minimising.

I think she may have been correct in her analysis of the relationship, but she was always very unkind about it.

Oh, I forgot to say, I do think that kind of bullying is very rare on MN, IME.

I've got the new nickname Alice not them.