To take my DCs away on holiday the weekend of SIL's and BIL's wedding?

[SumBex]

In a nut shell:
I'm separated from H but he has the DC every other weekend. The wedding between his DB and SIL falls on his contact weekend.
I am not invited (not bothered about this) and H has informed me that his DB has asked him to be usher at the wedding.
Our DC are 5 and 3 and I'm concerned that if they go to the wedding then there will be nobody to supervise them. H is a big drinker when socialising and I've no doubt that he will get arseholed at his brother's wedding.

I'm thinking about asking him if I can take the DC away that weekend to just avoid the whole issue but wanted to check if IWBU to suggest this. The other issue is that I have another child who will not be invited which I think is unfair for various reasons.

I have to go away for work the following weekend so I could do a 'swap' to make it fair.

wasn't there a thread almost identical to this last week? did I dream it!?

Seems a bit unfair to not let your joint DC go to a family wedding especially as it is their father's contact weekend. Surely there will be grandparents / other relatives around to look after them?

If your other DC is not invited, perhaps you can do something special with him / her to make up for it?

Was the Waffily? I didn't see it if that's the case.

No grandparents will be there and nobody else I really trust to have them. I just feel like taking them away will solve the whole issue but fully prepared to be told that IABU and if so will reassess.

I think it's a good idea, he might welcome it too if he's a big drinker. I wouldn't be happy for DC at that age to go in these circumstances unless I could pick them up before the evening starts.. Maybe that could be an alternative if he insists on them being there?

Why would your other DC be invited? Does the child who is not invited usually go along for the contact weekends? If not they've probably got used to the fact that their siblings do stuff that they don't.
If it's important to their dad for them to go then I think they should, same as if you wanted them at a family wedding he shouldn't stop you taking them. But if he's not bothered then take them away.

could you not just go and collect them after the main reception.
Do you get on well enough with STBXH to discuss reasonably?

UABU. It's his contact weekend, you have notice, it's their uncles wedding. His drinking can't be that much of a problem any other time, because they are with their dad every other weekend. It just sounds like you are being spiteful, you can go on holiday the weekend after.

It's not unreasonable for you to offer to swap, but if he wants to keep them then you should let him.

I'd offer to collect them after the ceremony and meal.

Doesn't sound spiteful at all.

Wedding receptions can often get quite 'lively', the children are only little, and if the STBX has 'form' for drinking at special occasions, as opposed to every weekend, I don't see why the OP shouldn't be concerned.

And if he's an usher, he will have duties to perform. Who will mind the children then? People they don't really know? Hardly ideal.

If they have a reasonable relationship she can only ask.

I assume that the child who is not invited is your child but not his. While it would be nice if the extended family in a divorce made efforts to stay in contact with any step children after a divorce in reality this often doesn't happen. Particularly if the bil and sil weren't close to this child or didn't know them very well. They may feel now you've split your other child and the familial link is broken there is no real bond there.

I think you need to discuss with your husband how he intends to care for the children and impress upon him that there needs to be someone sober and reliable with them at all times. Are there mutual friends going, other aunts or uncles or great aunts etc who you could talk to re keeping an eye out?

I think it is very unfair to pull them out of a family event without even giving him a chance to either reassure you or show you that he has made arrangements to ensure they're properly cared for. It would be a bit mean.

Yes, eldest DC usually goes to H's for contact weekends. His family have rejected him since our split so he won't be invited.

That's my concern really. It's a long day for them and I'm assuming he will be predisposed due to his wedding party duties, getting ready in the morning, in the church, during the photos etc.

I don't think he will be happy at my suggestion, no. I can't take them away the weekend after, I'm travelling for work. He's already agreed to have them that weekend but knowing him, he will 'forget' to ask work for the time off (he's rota'd alternate weekends). I need to remind him actually.

YANBU if you really have serious reason to believe the children will be unsupervised. YABU if you are just miffed that other DC wasn't invited & are just using XH drinking as a 'reason' for his children not to go.

Perhaps if you asked DH if he would like to swap weekends so he could be unencumbered at the wedding? Or, as someone suggested, if he would like you to pick up the kids early so he could party.

*oops. EX, not DH!

So your eldest dc is his but has been 'rejected' and not invited?

I think he would probably try and reassure me that he'll stay sober. I heard this promise enough times to know he won't be able to keep it.

I am pissed off with them for the way they have treated our eldest but I'm no longer surprised by it so that is not the reason. Incidentally, he's older so could probably supervise them during the day but as it stands, he won't be there.

H is evasive about the plans for the day. I've got a feeling that children will probably be excluded from the evening so I'm not sure what he's planning to get around this. If I can't take our youngest two away, I'm thinking about getting away with my eldest at least.

Sorry, x-post.

Eldest is not biologically H's but he treats him as his son, pays maintenance etc. However, that issue was not my motivation in starting the thread. I mentioned in case anyone said I should make the most of being child free for a weekend and getting away on my own .

Well he obviously doesn't treat eldest as his own if he's not insisting that he also gets an invite to the wedding. I wouldn't be tolerating that.
That aside, I would be asking who would be in charge of your youngest dc whilst he was on 'duty'. He should be able to provide a reassuring answer for this. If he can't I would offer to take them away for the weekend instead. If he refuses I would insist. Someone needs to take responsibility for them for the day / night as your ex will be expected to do other stuff. He needs to sort this out.

H is a dick when it comes to his family. He bends over backwards to accommodate them, even when they're being unreasonable and I often felt/feel that they come higher in his priorities than his wife and DC. Which is a big part of why we are not together now.

I've asked him what he's going to do and again he's evasive. He just says he will manage or he will sort something . He doesn't tend to think things through and I'm guessing that he hasn't thought about it in any depth. I could push him for a more definitive answer but it will cause arguments. I know he will see it as me saying he can't cope with them but then I know he won't have thought through just how much he will have to be 'available' for wedding duties on the day.

When is the wedding? If it's next week and he still hadn't sorted anything I wouldn't let them go. If it's months away then I would give him more time. Any mutual friends going that you could trust to keep an eye on them? A sensible relative of ex?

It's a few months away but if I were to take them away, ideally I'd need to book soon.

No mutual friends, they move in different circles to us. Only person I would trust is his sister but she's involved in the wedding too and will be busy with her 'duties'. She and my H are the only family attending the wedding.

I don't see any harm in suggesting it if you feel that's what he's want.

But then again, what he does with his own children during his contact time should be up to him, so if he wants to take them to the wedding then you need to trust that he will make sure they are safe. If you don't trust him to look after them at a wedding then you are effectively saying you do not trust him to look after his children at all. I bet he doesn't question your parenting and so you need to trust he will do the right thing.
If you honestly feel he wouldn't take care of them then should you really be letting him have them every other weekend?!

Hmm, Nanny, your post has made me think.

I am usually of the opinion that on his contact time he should do as he pleases without input from me and I mostly trust him to do this. But in the same token, I know he doesn't go out on his contact weekends. If he wants to go out, we do a swap and I'll have them. We never had regular babysitters even when we were together except my mother and I'd feel odd asking her for him iyswim . He's not totally quiet about what I do when I have them but doesn't interfere too much at this point. Our contact arrangements are not concrete which suits us both right now.

So I suppose this wedding is the same as any other contact weekend but is also different because I know that he will be drinking.

He is currently trying to win me back and I'm really confused about what to do about that but this isn't the thread to explore that. I am concerned that by bringing this up it will cause arguments but I feel it would be best for our DC if they weren't at the wedding where they would be unsupervised for large chunks of the day and possibly looked after a drunken idiot on the evening.

So I suppose I am saying I don't trust him and I guess he'll understandably be pissed off by that suggestion.

How old are your DC?

Personally I'd talk to him first about who's sitting with them during the ceremony, who's watching them during the photos & hanging around bit and is he sitting with them during the meal?

You can then offer to pick them up at various points during the day (maybe not ideal for you). If he can't answer your questions then I'd seek further advise on what you can do legally.

He should have a plan for the day. Leave the alcohol out of it and if you're collecting the kids, you can gauge his appropriateness then. If DH took our DD to a wedding on his own (4yo), then he needs to be sober and with her all the time. Not doing a wedding job.

Having kids means sacrificing what you want to do, that sometimes means turning down invites, or finding a compromise.

Maybe offer to swap weekends if it's easier for him/he'd like to.