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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take my DCs away on holiday the weekend of SIL's and BIL's wedding?

83 replies

SumBex · 18/01/2014 23:17

In a nut shell:
I'm separated from H but he has the DC every other weekend. The wedding between his DB and SIL falls on his contact weekend.
I am not invited (not bothered about this) and H has informed me that his DB has asked him to be usher at the wedding.
Our DC are 5 and 3 and I'm concerned that if they go to the wedding then there will be nobody to supervise them. H is a big drinker when socialising and I've no doubt that he will get arseholed at his brother's wedding.

I'm thinking about asking him if I can take the DC away that weekend to just avoid the whole issue but wanted to check if IWBU to suggest this. The other issue is that I have another child who will not be invited which I think is unfair for various reasons.

I have to go away for work the following weekend so I could do a 'swap' to make it fair.

OP posts:

JohnnyBarthes · 19/01/2014 13:29

To demonstrate loyalty to your eldest, I'd be keeping the little ones away. Poor lad.

Original poster

SumBex · 19/01/2014 13:50

Yes, there is that Johnny. I know MN is very divided on the issue of extended step families keeping in contact with the step DC. I won't deny I am upset and angry on his behalf over this issue but there is not much I can do in that respect and H puts his family before us so is unlikely to ever broach this as an issue iyswim. In the long run I would think his younger siblings will notice the disparity in their treatment and at that point might wish to cut them out, family or not.

OP posts:

JohnnyBarthes · 19/01/2014 13:55

It's easy for me to spout my thoughts, isn't it Sum. I'm sure you've got it all in hand :)

Original poster

SumBex · 19/01/2014 14:06

Sorry, I hope that didn't come across as dismissive. I completely agree with you and there is a part of me that thinks if they can't treat them all the same then they will have no contact with them. Unfortunately my H doesn't agree with me on this issue so it will be a difficult one to tackle. I was also weary of mentioning it as I know it has the potential to divide opinion on here and decsend into a bun fight. I believe my expectations that our eldest should have been invited has already been raised on this thread as being unrealistic . I always appreciate it when a poster sees things from my perspective .

OP posts:

JohnnyBarthes · 19/01/2014 15:52

Not dismissive at all, Sum. I posted a one line response knowing bugger all about your situation, beyond what you've posted here. I get protective over teenagers, having one myself - they get a bum deal sometimes over smaller kids. I hope I didn't offend you - you seem to have your head screwed on :) (I do love a :) but it's bloody hard these days to post one without looking passive aggressive, which I really am not!).

Do you think maybe your ex is rather hoping that you and he will get back together in time for the wedding, thus magicking away the problem?

Anyway, YANBU :)

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2014 16:45

Just a thought. As much as you might want to get away, mightn't it be better to be available? I don't know how far the wedding is or where you were planning to go to get away. But, if H is adamant about having the kids with him, if you stayed home (or didn't venture 'too far') at least you could tell him that he could call you any time if it got to be 'too much' dealing with wedding duties & watching DCs and you'd come pick them up.

Not much fun, I know. But maybe you & DS1 could do a 'staycation' that day with movies & takeaway or visiting somewhere nearby for the day.

ikeaismylocal · 19/01/2014 18:38

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask him, could you ask him if you can collect the kids after the wedding breakfast rather than go away for the entire weekend?

I wouldn't want to think of my children in a hotel room all alone or roaming around a hotel whilst their father is drunk and busy.

Original poster

SumBex · 21/01/2014 22:01

Things have just been made more complicated.

I spoke briefly to H about taking the DC away and he didn't immediately say no. We're going to talk more at the weekend. However, he's also told me that his brother has asked if our DC will be flower girls. I said we'll talk about it but if I'm honest, I'm really unhappy at this prospect.

WIBU to say no to this?

OP posts:

lilyaldrin · 21/01/2014 22:08

You can't really say no, can you It's up to their dad.

TootlesPootles · 21/01/2014 22:14

It would be nice for them to be flower girls, could you just offer to collect them early evening?

Original poster

SumBex · 21/01/2014 22:14

He's told them he will speak to me and asked me what I thought about it?

I started the conversation by asking if he knew what the plan was for the day yet and if children were allowed at the evening reception. He said he thought so and so I asked him what he was planning to do. He said he was thinking of booking a room. Guess that does mean he was thinking of leaving them in there while he parties .

OP posts:

Original poster

SumBex · 21/01/2014 22:15

Will it be nice though? I'm not so sure.

OP posts:

Wafflepuss · 21/01/2014 22:19

The flower girl thing might actually work in your favour here, they'll be part of the ceremony and the immediate activities afterwards such as photographs so will not be left sitting alone in the church etc. I would be worried too if my kids were potentially going to be left alone in a hotel room or potentially running around unsupervised in a hotel with the only adult responsible for them being distracted and possibly drunk. Why don't you stay at the hotel too, go out for the day with your eldest and when your kids are ready to leave the reception and go to bed your ex texts you and you pop down and get them. You could do the handover in reception or something so the bride doesn't feel you've 'attended' the wedding if that's a problem. That way you know your wee kids are ok, and ex gets to enjoy the evening do?

Wafflepuss · 21/01/2014 22:25

Also, I think your ex has to accept he can't have it all his own way here ie if he says the kids must attend then he has to look after them, properly, all day and all night. He can't just stick them in a hotel room alone and head off to the bar to get pissed. If he wants to drink lots then he needs to let you look after the kids.

Original poster

SumBex · 21/01/2014 22:25

I think what's worrying me is that the DC will be with the bride and her friends in the morning. They have never met these people before except the bride, and even then, they don't know her well.

The bride is, erm, how shall I say...very particular. I don't think they'll be up to the 'performance' she'll be expecting. Also, because we don't speak, I'll have no say over what happens to them. For example I'd be very unhappy for their hair to be curled or for them to wear high heels. Maybe this is none of my business but I really doubt H will say no to any strange requests. I guess IABU but I'm really uncomfortable about my DC's being 'used' in this way when I won't be around.

OP posts:

Original poster

SumBex · 21/01/2014 22:27

Agree completely with your last post waffle. Whether he does it will be another matter entirely. I'm sure he'll have all the right intentions - as soon as he has his first drink, all bets are off.

OP posts:

Wafflepuss · 21/01/2014 22:31

Could your ex go with them to the brides house do you think? Otherwise I agree that sending the children alone is probably not a great idea, and unfair on them and the bridal party.

Original poster

SumBex · 21/01/2014 22:35

I think I need to find out more from him and discuss it all properly but it will be another thing he won't have thought about. My gut is just saying this will be a bad idea but I don't know if that is just nervousness on my part as I won't be around in what will be a very unfamiliar experience for them.

OP posts:

MyDarlingClementine · 21/01/2014 22:36

I think you have every right from what you have said to have concerns about the day and what will happen at night...

just because you give them to your DH every other weekend doesn't mean they stop being your children, my DH is an amazing father, amazing, he is an incredible father, however if we split up, YES, yes, yes I would be worried about them being with him because he seems to fall asleep very easily and no, I would not trust him to put them to bed properly, and wake up if they cried.

we all have black spot areas.

I wonder if you can use the flower girl as leverage to simply collect them after the day bit...perhaps an hour into the evening then home...with you

Maybe say no to flower girl, to then come round to say yes BUT with you collecting them.

re the heels and hair, i would ignore that for one day, it will be an experience for them and a one off in the context of the day, ie not something you do at home...i have been bridesmaid and it was so much fun...the fuss and the bride and so on...

MyDarlingClementine · 21/01/2014 22:37

sun, they are going to get loads of attention, they will be fine at the day bit, and have loads of fun and it will be over so quickly, just make sure they dont stay over.

Wafflepuss · 21/01/2014 22:43

Its not you, I'd be nervous too. I agree with mydarlingclementine about the hair and heels bit, these aren't a big deal in the general scheme of things. But the rest of it I'd be really uncomfortable about. I think perhaps you need to ask your mum for a huge favour and see if she'd be willing to escort them for the day (if the bride is happy with this).

AcrossthePond55 · 21/01/2014 22:51

Wow. Difficult situation. IMHO a 3 and 5 year old shouldn't be anywhere without a 'known adult' (i.e. someone the DCs know well & are comfortable with) or a childcare professional (paid sitter or Nanny) present. If you aren't allowed (or don't want) to be at the bride's house while your children are getting ready & there isn't anyone the children know there either, then I'd say that the flower girl thing is a 'no go'. The bride will be too busy to keep a proper eye on your girls. Your H will probably be busy with the groom's party & obviously he can't be sitting there when the bride's party is getting dressed, etc.

As far as what you want for the girls, you could always give a written list to H to give to the bride, if that would make any difference. High heeled shoes I understand. Not so clear about the not wanting their hair curled unless you mean a style that is inappropriate for their age. But that's neither here nor there. You're their mother & you decide.

And as far as his idea of a hotel room, I'm stunned he would think it OK to leave children that age alone. I'm sure the hotel management wouldn't allow it, if they knew about it! If you think he seriously would even think for a second of leaving the DCs alone there, I'd say two words to him. Madeleine McCann (God bless her).

ballstoit · 21/01/2014 22:52

Won't his sister be with the bride's side if she's part of the wedding party?

TBH I think you sound a little controlling...I have 2 DDs who are similar age to yours (6 & 4).While I wouldn't want them in heels every day, nor to have hair curled regularly, I know they'd thoroughly enjoy being dressed up and centre (ish) of attention for the day.

If it's the night time that worries you, then offer to collect them at 6-7. Your concerns about them being noisy during the ceremony are not your problem.

ballstoit · 21/01/2014 22:54

'You're their mother, you decide' Don't Dads get to make decisions

AcrossthePond55 · 21/01/2014 23:02

Let me explain. I had expressed an opinion on hair & heels for her children. MY personal opinion on hair & heels does not matter. I'm just a random person on the internet. OP is the DCs mother, it is her decision as to what SHE thinks is appropriate for her children.

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