Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To take my DCs away on holiday the weekend of SIL's and BIL's wedding?

83 replies

SumBex · 18/01/2014 23:17

In a nut shell:
I'm separated from H but he has the DC every other weekend. The wedding between his DB and SIL falls on his contact weekend.
I am not invited (not bothered about this) and H has informed me that his DB has asked him to be usher at the wedding.
Our DC are 5 and 3 and I'm concerned that if they go to the wedding then there will be nobody to supervise them. H is a big drinker when socialising and I've no doubt that he will get arseholed at his brother's wedding.

I'm thinking about asking him if I can take the DC away that weekend to just avoid the whole issue but wanted to check if IWBU to suggest this. The other issue is that I have another child who will not be invited which I think is unfair for various reasons.

I have to go away for work the following weekend so I could do a 'swap' to make it fair.

OP posts:

nannynewo · 19/01/2014 01:00

In that case, I think it is very understandable. I think the suggestion is a good idea as your concerns and reasoning are very valid. How about suggesting it in a different manor, like, 'I have been thinking and since you will be so busy with your role in the wedding, would you like me to take the DCs away that weekend instead' ... He may jump at the chance. If not, then I would express your concerns. He shouldn't be getting very drunk with responsibilities for young children, maybe just a few drinks and stay in control.

I hope things work out! Best of luck :)

nannynewo · 19/01/2014 01:00

I hope things work out! Best of luck :)

paxtecum · 19/01/2014 07:18

Sumbex: Are there many other children going to the wedding?
Are yours likely to sit still during the meal (presuming it's a formal meal)?
If he really wants them at the wedding could you arrange to pick them up after the meal, before the evening do.
Like others have said phrase it as though you are doing him a favour and giving time to let his hair down (get drunk)with his friends.

NynaevesSister · 19/01/2014 07:34

Why not just talk to him as in just say about the wedding, I'd really like to help you out here as it is a special occasion. Just ask him if children are going to be at the evening do. Even if they are would he like you to come collect the older two so he can just relax? Or would he prefer not to have the stress of having the kids there at all?

Why do you have to go away? You seem to be set on this so that either you take all the children away or you and eldest go away. From his perspective, months away from the event he is being forces to make an either/or choice.

Is it possible instead to make this more flexible and work around him? It is a one off and if he never goes out on contact weekends I would be inclined to give him some leeway.

But also explain your concerns. That you think he will have a lot on that day, plus two little ones and no one to help him. He may find it tough to supervise and usher at the same time. Can he put forward bringing older DC as a babysitter to his brother?

MsAspreyDiamonds · 19/01/2014 08:52

People are more open to suggestions if you present the proposal in a way that is most beneficial to them. So if you said something like you would understand if he wanted to swap because he would be busy to care for the kids. Obviously, with it not being a child friendly or alcohol free wedding you would understand if he wanted indulge a bit so would happily swap. Do not mention anything to him or the kids about taking them away on holiday until you have his agreement about the swap.

Onesiegoddess · 19/01/2014 09:10

Can you arrange with him to pick up the kids after the speeches?

Onesiegoddess · 19/01/2014 09:12

You could sell it as doing him a favour. So suggest you pick kids up after the speeches and can relax and drink without worrying

Nomama · 19/01/2014 09:29

Have you thought about asking him? You know, "would you like me to take the kids for the wedding weekend, give you a free day to celebrate the wedding?"

Or is it just a given, to make such a fuss and to imagine the worst all the time?

Original poster

SumBex · 19/01/2014 09:42

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I think I will phrase it as doing him a favour. I don't want to go into it, but that weekend will be hard for me so I would like to get away to give myself something to look forward to and a distraction.

I have hinted at what will happen by saying who will be watching the DC in church etc. but he just says he will sort it. H is not a very practical man and knowing him as well as I do, he won't really give it any real consideration until very close to the day. I also know that he will make a fuss but I will phrase it as doing him a favour and see if he is more receptive to that.

OP posts:

WaitMonkey · 19/01/2014 09:59

How old is oldest dc ? How horrible of exdh family to ignore him. YANBU. Though the 5 and 3 year old may not even be invited. They would be hard work to look after at a wedding especially as exdh is an usher.

LIZS · 19/01/2014 10:06

Ushers barely do anything ime and the lo's could be his "helpers" for what little he needs to do (hand out order of service, tell people which side to sit) . If it were other way round and you were bridesmaid and had dc in tow would you expect him to have right of veto ? As a compromise could you offer to pick them up before the party is in full swing ?

Original poster

SumBex · 19/01/2014 10:16

Eldest is a teen. We haven't been separated all that long and the real rejection started at Christmas when he was excluded from the gift giving.

I would like to go away that weekend whether I can take the younger two or not but understand that my priorities are to my DC so that if I have to be around to pick them up then so be it.

Whilst the duties of usher are probably less involved than say the best man, I still think there will be prolonged periods where there is nobody to look after them. Whilst I wouldn't be happy if he 'vetoed' me taking them to a family members wedding, I also wouldn't agree to be in the wedding party if I knew there was nobody to watch the DC during the day.

OP posts:

diddl · 19/01/2014 10:32

Well I agree that they could probably stand with him whislt he's "ushering"

Will it be formal with a top table & if so would be be on it?

It might be that the ceremony is enough for them?

But I'd offer it as a favour tbh.

diddl · 19/01/2014 10:35

I also think it's not just about him drinking & not supervising as there will be plenty of other adults there-but how long before they've had enough?

And of course the issue of him more than likely being drunk whilst getting them home & having them overnight.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/01/2014 10:45

How old are your DC?
3 and 5 - it's in the OP

Personally, it's his weekend so let him take them to the wedding. He is a big boy and if he is not supervising them, then take some action. Surely the whole family will be there anyway?

Original poster

SumBex · 19/01/2014 10:46

Yes, it will be a formal wedding. I don't know if he's at the top table but as there will be two best men, I don't think there will be room. I can't see the bride and groom going for the DC standing with H, and the other adults that will be there, are people my DCs haven't met before. I agree that they are likely to become restless and my three year old in particular is very prone to tantrums.

In an ideal world I would trust him to manage this situation in our DC's best interests, but I really don't and that is where the problem lies.

OP posts:

Original poster

SumBex · 19/01/2014 10:49

X-posted there. H's whole family consists of him, his brother and sister. That's all. BIL doesn't speak to his parents anymore, and there isn't anyone else whom they know well enough to sit with quietly. I think they will make lots of noise in church and H will hardly be in a position to take them outside.

The wedding is at a hotel and again I'm concerned that he will leave them in the room asleep to go back to the party. They still don't sleep through, particularly in a strange place. I'm just really concerned about them for this day and I know full well my H will not be thinking of the practicalities.

OP posts:

LIZS · 19/01/2014 10:53

If it is in a church then it isn't a closed ceremony so you can go, formally invited or not, to supervise your younger dc , take them out if they make a noise, let them be in any photos and then take them home before the party.

Original poster

SumBex · 19/01/2014 10:54

There is absolutely no way I am going anywhere near their wedding. I just can't do it. Besides, the bride would throw a fit if I turned up. We don't like each other very much .

OP posts:

justmyview · 19/01/2014 11:04

If they make a noise in church, that's not your problem. Not a safety concern, so no need for you to worry about that

Taking children away after the service / main reception could be a good compromise

Original poster

SumBex · 19/01/2014 11:53

Yes, I guess so. I just have an uneasy feeling about it all. I think H will tell me whatever he thinks I want to hear but realistically, he will be hoping to fudge it.

There have been many times in the past where he has driven (not with the DC in the car though) where he has been likely over the limit. When he's drinking he can't just stop at one and reasons that as he is taller than average, it takes more to push him over the drink drive limit. Alcohol plays a large part in their family and I believe they will all be drinking whilst getting ready.

I don't know. I know I'm unreasonable to suggest it but realistically his options are to decline his role as usher or allow me to have them that weekend (I think he'll want to have a few with his brother the evening before in all probability). I know these options won't go down well but equally I know he won't put our DC's welfare over making the most of his brother's wedding.

OP posts:

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 19/01/2014 12:12

Do you have any good friends locally/DC godparents who could pick them up from the reception as a favour to you so that you don't have to pick them up yourself but can still go away?

Sitters.co.uk is good if you need an extra pair of helping hands at ceremony/reception for peace of mind since you wouldn't be welcome - neutral option if DH can't swing it for your oldest DC to be babysitter.

Also the hotel might have a listening service/be able to arrange for a sitter to be in the room with them for the evening ceremony. Obviously in an ideal world your STBXH would step up to the plate, but it doesn't sound like he will.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 19/01/2014 12:13

(I meant evening do rather than ceremony! And for friend/godparent to keep DC overnight).

NynaevesSister · 19/01/2014 12:28

You don't have to go in or see them. Get him to bring the children to you.

Original poster

SumBex · 19/01/2014 13:01

Thanks for the further suggestions on how I could handle this.

I think I will speak to him about me taking the DC away that weekend and if he says no then I will reassess my options. I don't know of anybody else who could have them except my DM but I'm reluctant to ask too much of her particularly as I may need to ask her to have them the following weekend if H can't or won't get the time off work.

I just wanted to gauge if it was wholly unreasonable to even suggest it and although there has been mixed responses, I think more can understand my concerns. So I feel better about actually approaching him with this suggestion. Thanks everyone .

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4