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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to meet new gf before she meets children

114 replies

Hithere123 · 17/01/2014 09:13

Morning all. Just wondering if I am bu in wanting to meet my H new gf before she gets to meet my children. They haven't been together too long but I have agreed she can meet them as I would rather he didn't go behind my back and do it subject to me meeting her first. They were supposed to come last night but didn't show, no text phone call. My dc are 6 and 20 months.

OP posts:
Thatisall · 17/01/2014 14:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable and you don't say in your OP that you would stop your dc seeing her if you didn't approve. Things have moved so quickly I think it's understandable that if he's going to introduce them anyway, that you have the chance to meet her first and know what your dc can expect.

waltermittymissus · 17/01/2014 14:38

Luke I only mention it because I had to deal with it every bloody day! It was very sad. Sad

DizzyZebra · 17/01/2014 14:39

Unless her ex takes her to court and hashes it all out to the finest detail, she as RP, holds the cards to put it bluntly. This is of course just my personal experience and the OP has every right to disregard it.

The OP does not hold all the cards. If her ex has parental responsibility she cannot stop him from taking the children, unless in doing so he breaks other laws (Such as assault, breaking and entering etc). He currently has exactly the same right to do whatever he pleases (within the law) the same as she does.

He could withhold them and she would not be able to force him to bring them back without a courts agreement (Which she probably would get but still). I have been in this position and no one helps - not the police, not social services. No one.

The only one the courts would say no to overnight, without other major concerns, is the one she is pregnant with. That would not likely be granted until much later as generally, unless there are massive concerns on the mothers side, no matter how good dad is, it's a given that baby should be with its mother in the early months (Especially if breastfeeding etc)

Worried3 · 17/01/2014 14:40

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to meet a person who is going to be having regular, unsupervised contact with your children- the problem is that I don't think you can stop him introducing his new girlfriend to you children.

I would agree it's too soon. It's unfair on the children- especially your 6 year old, who I imagine is still processing your break up and doesn't need this added complication so soon. Your H sounds like an utter idiot. His new GF doesn't sound like she's got much sense either, if she can't see this is not a great idea.

I'd tell him about your concerns about how your children, especially your eldest, will cope. If he cares more about them than himself, he'll try to give it more time.

Thatisall · 17/01/2014 14:43

To the posters saying he has parental responsibility? He doesn't sound like he's being particularly responsible! The OP is 25 weeks pregnant and he only left 3 weeks ago. What kind of responsible parent wants to introduce a new person in these circumstances?
I think the OP is right to want to meet her and she would be well within her rights IMO to say that she thinks it's too soon.

Wishyouwould · 17/01/2014 14:44

So sorry that you are in this horrible situation OP, I really feel for you x

I'm struggling with the fact that my STBXH will be introducing our children to his GF of less than 3 months sometime soon. We have been separated for over a year but it still hurts that my children will be spending time with another woman. My worry is that the relationship is in it's very early stages and it just seem too soon. Your EX sounds like an absolute idiot.

PerpendicularVince · 17/01/2014 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 17/01/2014 14:58

it's not unreasonable to feel this would be a preferred option, but realistically it's not something which can be forced, or if the op doesn't like the gf, she can realistically do anything about.

haveyourselfashandy · 17/01/2014 15:15

Funny that it was the OP's partner who's shit on her from a great height yet some of you are having a go at the OP for being unreasonable.Sisterhood eh? OP you are not at all unreasonable and you are a better person than I am.However I would be insisting he doesn't have the dc at his house,he sounds incapable.All you posters telling the OP "he's their father too",I hope your never in her position.

DizzyZebra · 17/01/2014 15:37

Thatisall I agree hes not very responsible. Doesn't change the legal stance though. He has parental responsibility. Legally. That is a fact and nothing can change it.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/01/2014 15:49

Only on MM is someone expected to part company one day then encourage an ex and ow to play happy families the next.

Ev1lEdna · 17/01/2014 16:09

No it not at all unreasonable to want to meet an adult who will spending time around your very young dc and i can't quite believe that others think it is, presumably they would have a different opinion if it were their dc.

I absolutely agree with this.

It is all very well and good being liberal about it (ie. can't force them to meet/ not fair etc.) but what we are actually talking about is two very young children and a very pregnant mother of those children. Let's face it, in this situation the OP's partner isn't exactly trustworthy to the OP right now. Who could blame her for being wary? I certainly can't.

Hithere I'm sorry this guy has left you in what must be a very difficult position and feeling hurt. I don't blame you in the slightest for wanting to meet this women it 'appears' he has only known very briefly. I would want the same thing. If you are anything like me pregnancy heightens the anxieties you feel, probably hormonal. I hope you are ok? I really feel for you

waltermittymissus · 17/01/2014 16:26

Look, nobody is saying he's not a wankbadger.

Nobody is disagreeing that it's too soon.

But, while OP is NBU to want to meet the OW, there's not really anything she can do to enforce it.

And it's a slippery slope if she starts witholding contact. She absolutely DOES NOT have any sort of legal right to do this and, if he did decide to take her to court a judge will not look favourably on a stunt like that.

Further, having parental responsibility unfortunately has nothing to do with whether you're a shit dad or not!

wannaBe · 17/01/2014 16:54

nobody has had a go at the op.

But fact is, now that the op and her ex are no longer together she has no control over who he introduces their children to, in the same way he has no control over who she introduces them to.

He could quite easily have introduced the dc to his new gf without having informed the op that he even had a new gf.

introducing the children to his ow three weeks after having left their mother is ridiculous. but it is not illegal, and while the op might not want this to happen, she can't actually prevent it.

Ev1lEdna · 17/01/2014 16:59

wankbadger.

Grin

Yes you are right, Walter the issue of withholding contact is tricky one. I imagine we would all be far more outraged if he didn't give a toss about seeing his kids.

This is a very difficult situation, I see the OP's point of view and agree with her, BUT as you point out she doesn't seem to have much room for maneuverer. I'd still want to meet her though.

Thatisall · 17/01/2014 17:18

dizzy. Whether he has parental responsibility or not...he isn't being responsible. And as a responsible parent the OP is well within her rights to ask him to be more responsible and encourage a 'way of doing things' that will reduce the impact on her dc. In my eyes that is what she's doing. She didn't ask if she had a legal right to say he can't introduce the new gf, she asked if we thought it was unreasonable to suggest meeting beforehand. It isn't unreasonable,

Good luck OP, he sounds like an arse

Original poster
Hithere123 · 17/01/2014 18:31

Omg not up to date with reading but I have spoken to her today over phone. She is a total witch!! She actually thought I was going to send my new born baby to them every other weekend. (I think she is sienna from holly oaks for anyone who watches!). She sounds very immature and has winged because u asked her to not kiss and be inappropriate in front of 6 yo. She thought we already had divorce proceeding underway and is mad that u had no idea what she was talking about! H has called me and had a fit saying he now doesn't want to have anything to do with baby.

OP posts:
LukeAtMe · 17/01/2014 18:36

He doesn't want anything to do with the baby because she didn't know you weren't yet divorcing?! What a tool. Grin at the Sienna thing. I think someone wants to play mummy! That is so creepy.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/01/2014 18:36

She actually thought that?

And is the u a mistype and you meant I

eyebrowsfurrowed · 17/01/2014 18:37

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'm sure when the tables are turned you will instigate your ex meeting your new partner before the kids? I am 5 months a single parent and am hoping for the exact same thing.

Original poster
Hithere123 · 17/01/2014 18:40

Yes I asked no kissing ect and that's one of the things he was shouting about so obv bothered her.

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 17/01/2014 18:42

Oh dear lord she sounds unhinged!

How could he say such a thing about his own baby?

Don't rise to it. When baby is old enough for contact, he has contact with all or none. In the meantime, I hope you're making sure that he's paying!

KingRollo · 17/01/2014 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harriet247 · 17/01/2014 19:05

Sad for you OP, yanbu at all! Me and dp have a promise to each other that if anything happens between us the new relationship needa to be serious for 6 months and then the new partner have to meet the ex before hand. I think its a very responsible way of handling things!
Before dp I was the new girlfriend with another lad and I met his ex before his son and even then I was strictly daddys friend. I had reapect for tjat lady for looking out for her son like that but it was pretty awkward first time :D sensing you a really big unmumsnetty hug

Thatisall · 17/01/2014 19:15

Argh! OP I fear you have a very long and difficult journey ahead of you. Take legal advice

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