Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To want to meet new gf before she meets children

114 replies

Hithere123 · 17/01/2014 09:13

Morning all. Just wondering if I am bu in wanting to meet my H new gf before she gets to meet my children. They haven't been together too long but I have agreed she can meet them as I would rather he didn't go behind my back and do it subject to me meeting her first. They were supposed to come last night but didn't show, no text phone call. My dc are 6 and 20 months.

OP posts:

LukeAtMe · 17/01/2014 09:36

Yanbu to want to meet her just so you at least know what she's like. It sounds like he's a complete dick though if he can't even consider that the children won't be ready at all to meet her so I wouldn't expect him to go along with it.

I am amused by people telling her to trust his judgement. If he's already thinking about introducing this woman two/three weeks after their world has been turned upside down, his judgement is clearly shit.

BrandNewIggi · 17/01/2014 09:37

The 6 year old surely needs a bit more time to process the break-up, never mind a new partner (I have a 6 year old). He might actually be more likely to dislike her, meeting her so soon.
Your ex sounds like an arse, btw. I can never understand someone leaving when their partner is pregnant, I think it is caddishness of the highest order. Why would another woman want him?

LoonvanBoon · 17/01/2014 09:37

What a twat (your H, that is). In your position I wouldn't want him introducing the children to his new girlfriend at such an early stage - can't see why he needs to at all.

Given what you say about your H working away etc., I think he should be working on trying to develop a good relationship with his kids himself before he brings someone else into the situation.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 17/01/2014 09:37

Forty I would agree that anyone in that situation would want the same thing- and it's certainly reasonable to ask, but it is up to the ex if that is what they want to happen and their decision

Original poster

Hithere123 · 17/01/2014 09:38

They were going to come to me last night so we could all meet. My dc were with me. He had been seeing her since beg November when we were going through a rough patch. He should be having them this we but I don't want them to go now. If he can't respect my wishes about this how image things going to pan out with new baby!? It should I just let them go ??

OP posts:

Original poster

Hithere123 · 17/01/2014 09:38

He is living with her so says he can't have them when we agreed if they don't meet.

OP posts:

formerbabe · 17/01/2014 09:40

Wow, she must have some nerve to meet her boyfriend (of less than 3 months) pregnant wife and 2 kids!! If I was in that situation, I would be staying in the background!

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 17/01/2014 09:41

Also agree that his judgement might not be great and I personally think it's far to early also, but, it is still not something the op can control and I think sometimes realising that and learning to try and let things go that are out of your control can make it easier than fighting a losing battle

mrsjay · 17/01/2014 09:41

personally I dont think your children should be meeting a new 3 week girlfriend I dont think yabu I am not sure what you can do though such a tough time you and your children are having i hope you can sort it out

Mimishimi · 17/01/2014 09:42

Don't insist on meeting her first. Not because it's unreasonable for you to want to (it's actually not) but because it will justify any nasty things your ex is saying about you to her to justify his sleaziness (see how controlling she is etc etc). Show as little interest in her/them as possible and send the kids over to them at every opportunity!! That will most likely send her packing quick smart .

MadBusLady · 17/01/2014 09:42

Wow. So not only did he leave you three weeks ago for her, the relationship itself is only two months old (according to him!)?

What would happen if you put your foot down and said you didn't want them meeting her at all yet? He can still see them, he'll just have to take them out somewhere - his problem.

wonderingsoul · 17/01/2014 09:43

i dont t hink yabu, its not so much vetting and making sure shes ok... but seeing who your children will be with..

you wouldnt send your child to a nursery with out meeting them would you?

also you cant trust his judgement any way... who in their right mind interduces a new grilfreind after 3 weeks of splitting with their mother?

he sounds like an utter dick!.

you sound like you are trying your best to deal with it in an adult way, you prob know all ready that he will interduce them sooner then would be ideal so would like to know /see her before.

i hope you do have rl support?

for what its worth to, if exh was invloved in my kids lifes and wanted to meet an new partner of mine, one that woudl be invlove3d in the kids lifes i wouldnt have a problem with it.

PedlarsSpanner · 17/01/2014 09:43

certainly the new baby shouldn't be away from you, the main carer, for more than an hour or two til prob age 1, partic if BF? What do others think on here?

mrsjay · 17/01/2014 09:43

he doesnt have to take them to her house at all if you dont want to you dont have to agree to it I know he is their dad but you have a say as well ,

waltermittymissus · 17/01/2014 09:47

I would caution you not to say you're stopping contact.

If this turns nasty you need to be seen as reasonable and not blocking contact in any way.

I would tell him that you'd prefer to meet someone who you assume your children will be spending time with. Tell him that you would prefer, for the sake of your children, if he made plans to spend time with them without her there as this is new and confusing enough as it is.

And, much as you shouldn't, I would love you to tell him what an utter, utter arsehole he is.

Original poster

Hithere123 · 17/01/2014 09:51

He will just do it anyway so if I don't want them to meet it means them bit going to see him out of my house. I am also feeling so let down by him that he didn't even call or text when I was expecting them. He is letting me down now I don't think there is much hope for him having a great relationship with new baby. I just hoped we could start as we mean to go on now I don't know what to do!

OP posts:

Littlegreyauditor · 17/01/2014 09:56

Wow, she must have some nerve to meet her boyfriend (of less than 3 months) pregnant wife and 2 kids!! If I was in that situation, I would be staying in the background!

Yep, either that or she is incredibly...naive thick. What a catch eh? A married man with two young children and a pregnant wife. Either she has been spun one hell of a line or she's just not that terribly picky.

I suspect that meeting the children will be the death of their big romantic relationship and whilst that would be satisfying in itself I don't think it appropriate for very young children to be introduced to a long line of their father's "shag of the week". If/ when the relationship gets serious and shows signs of lasting then they should be introduced. 3 months is not that time.

Goldenhandshake · 17/01/2014 09:57

Very shocked so many see this as unreasonable. From my point of view, YANBU at all, and by the same token, if DH and I split up and I wanted to introduce a new partner, I would expect him to want to meet them too, and would be shocked if he was blase about it. This person is potentially going to be a big part of the children's lives, I would not be comfortabel with them remaining a perfect stranger to me, or vice versa.

I also think it is good for the children to see all the adults in their lives being polite and amicable as possible.

In your specfic situation OP, I would be pissed off he wanted to introduce someone so soon, as she could be on and off the scene in a flash, but that is a seperate issue to be discussed with your ex.

WilsonFrickett · 17/01/2014 10:01

He sounds like a dick and she sounds like she has a brass neck the size of the street!

So I wouldn't even start to think about the new baby. Tiny babies can't/shouldn't be away from their main carer for more than an hour or so, especially if you bf so try your best to bf

I think you could reasonably say it's too early for overnight contact but you're happy for him to spend time with the DCs on a Saturday, or whatever. And to gradually work up to overnights. (Although there's also a wee imp on my shoulder saying 'send them for a week' as no doubt that will get shot of the OW. But still, let's try and be grown up about it )

Have you sorted out maintenance, etc? I'd be putting that in motion. I think you need to take back the control.

In fact, I think you need to start thinking about mediation and getting this all put on a more formal footing so everyone knows where they are. And what they are paying. Not that your DCs are pay-per-view, but it sounds like X and his new 'P' need a bit of a short sharp shock wrt to their responsiblities.

Cerisier · 17/01/2014 10:03

I would suggest sending the two DC off with the ex and his DGF for a weekend ASAP while you have a rest. If she is going to be staying around then she had better get on with it.

In practice being faced with looking after two small children (and a baby to look after as well soon), she will probably push off sharpish.

TakeYourPick · 17/01/2014 10:03

No it not at all unreasonable to want to meet an adult who will spending time around your very young dc and i can't quite believe that others think it is, presumably they would have a different opinion if it were their dc.

that he's living with someone he's known 2 months. Personally i think that is way too soon to be meeting a parent's new partner, very unsettling and confusing for the dc.

WilsonFrickett · 17/01/2014 10:03

I think the reason he doesn't want her to meet you is she doesn't know you're pg, btw. If she's been 'seeing him' since Nov, I would expect there to have been many lines spun about how the two of you hadn't had sex since you conceived DC2, etc etc. A 25 wk bump will potentially put paid to a number of lies...

Original poster

Hithere123 · 17/01/2014 10:06

Oh thanks so much ladies. Liking the ideas of trying to get rid of her!! Haha! X

OP posts:

YoucancallmeQueenBee · 17/01/2014 10:06

Big sympathy to you Hithere123.

You can ask to meet the GF, but what are you going to do with that meeting? If you don't like her, are you going to say that the DC can't go to your H's?

I think it is admirable that you are trying to keep things "nice" but your H sounds like a giant arsehole, so I wouldn't try too hard. He has let you &your DC down very, very badly indeed, so don't put yourself out in any way for him.

Birdsgottafly · 17/01/2014 10:11

It sounds like a relationship of convenience.

Sorry for pointing this out but he wanted out of your relationship despite you being pregnant and do found someone stupid enough to house him with added benefits.

He is using your vulnerability to push this totally unreasonable suggestion into you, but more wittingly your six year old.

I hope that you find the strength to tell him to get to fuck and contact will be away from his new home for now and any new partner.

So no, you shouldn't allow this idiot to do what he wants and not what your six year old needs.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5