To want to meet new gf before she meets children

[Hithere123]

Morning all. Just wondering if I am bu in wanting to meet my H new gf before she gets to meet my children. They haven't been together too long but I have agreed she can meet them as I would rather he didn't go behind my back and do it subject to me meeting her first. They were supposed to come last night but didn't show, no text phone call. My dc are 6 and 20 months.

This person is potentially going to be a big part of the children's lives, I would not be comfortabel with them remaining a perfect stranger to me, or vice versa.

Not many parents would be comfortable with it, but the simple fact is that you don't any right to dictate how the NRP spends their contact time or who with, as long as it legal and non-abusive.

I met my ex's GF long after my DDs did, and luckily for me I do like her and trust her with my children....... but actually even I hadn't, it wouldn't have meant sweet FA to anyone but me.

Oh, very possible that she doesn't know about the pregnancy.

Show up at her doorstep with the children and bump!

Bring her a list make shit up of their needs and requirements then bid them a cheery goodbye!

She'll be gone before the weekend is out!

I think he wants the kids to meet her so that she can do all of the parenting duties when he has the kids on his contact time.

From the sounds of things he isnt interested in his kids. If he was he wouldnt be introducing her after a couple of weeks.

He is an idiot amd you are well rid OP.

Should also say; I think what people are saying is that it's not unreasonable to feel how OP feels BUT there's really not a whole hell of a lot she can do about it, unfortunately.

I think we can all agree he's a prize knobber and she's well shot!

I think Wilson's got it...

OK we all agree he's a twat, she is the OW started seeing her in Nov (so he told you) and moved out of your bed and into her's 2-3 weeks ago.

However, I think your DCs need to see there DF alone for a few weeks until they get used to teh idea that he's not coming home, and then he can introduce her to them at say Easter. Can he take the DCs to his parents or even out for the day (not unheard of even if XH moans)?

I also second getting mediation/solicitors involved asap as the reality of chid maintainance and regular contact visits can soon take the shine off a "big romance".

"Show as little interest in her/them as possible and send the kids over to them at every opportunity"

Yes, because who cares how the OPs very confused six year old will feel and how it will affect her.

You may not of had any experience about how bad people can be towards children and what can be said in front of them.

But, adults can be evil and not care what they say will do to a child's emotional well being as long as they are getting digs in.

Will she be expected to hand over her new born, as well?

Any person who doesn't have experience of children and who will shack up with a man who is in a relationship with children and whose partner is pregnant, needs checking out.

Interesting about the pregnancy, are you sure she knows? I think most women would run for the hills if they found out their new boyfriend had someone else pregnant.

Try not to feel too spiteful towards the new girlfriend (hard I know) because frankly from what you've said it sounds like your ex is stringing her along. Your ex sounds selfish. and it's him you should be angry at. And if does turn out to be an evil witch - you should still try and direct your anger at your ex, because he shouldn't subject his own children to her if that is the case!

For what it's worth, I have been a 'new girlfriend' and, although I think the mum avoided me at first (understandable) we get on quite well now and can have a laugh and a joke when we are together, and she sent a nice text to DP saying she thought I got on really well with their son. We don't all live in black castles brewing poisoned apples, promise!

I think it's a really good idea to meet her and have a conversation with her, but it doesn't matter too much about whether you do it before or after your children have met her because like others have said, you don't have control over who they meet when they are with him anyway, unfortunately.

Not many parents would be comfortable with it, but the simple fact is that you don't any right to dictate how the NRP spends their contact time or who with, as long as it legal and non-abusive.

I'd advise OP to go the CAB and check this for definite first, personally my child/ren, come hell or high water, would not be sent off on overnight stays with someone I did not know, had never met, and didn't have a clue who they were, when their Father has shown such poor judgement. As much as everyone will say 'oh but you have no rights, that would not concern me, if their Father was so feckless and irresponsible he thought that was a good idea, I would do everything in my power to stop it, regardless of what any court said.

OP I would also advise (if you ahven't done so already) that you ensure you have a residency order sorted stating that the children reside with you. Put every safeguard in place possible, as your Ex sounds like a thoughtless prat.

Goldenhandshake, having trodden this weary road, I don't think it is worth sending the OP off down some trail to see if she can prevent her DCs father from seeing the children, simply because she doesn't know who all his friends/girlfriends are.

Unless, she can come up with reasons for why she thinks the children may be at risk or likely to come to harm when they stay with their father, then according to all the current legislation, the children have a right to spend time with their father (regardless, of his friends / girlfriend - however annoying that is for the actual mother of the children).

She knows I'm pregnant. He didn't tell her at first we live in a place where everyone knows someone and it got back to her. Will look into residency order thanks for advice. What a bloody situation hey! X

Oh I have no intention of encouraging the OP to withold contact, her ex is clearly a prat rather than abusive etc, but there is no legal grounding for him to have overnight access immediately etc, as long as she is not with holding all contact, she can facilitate it being in her home for example, until she is more comfortable with the situation regarding the new partner.

OP it is a horrid situation to be in, I hope your Ex comes to his senses a bit more and uses soem compassiona dn emptahy for the confusion this could cause the DC's. Good luck x

Thanks golden and everyone!! Xx

Well I don't blame you for being cautious, I mean you have only been apart for 3 weeks and he wants to introduce a new girlfriend. I think he should wait until he is sure the relationship is serious - it is not fair on your children. Poor you too, I can't imagine how bad all this must be for you. x

but there is no legal grounding for him to have overnight access immediately etc,

You're talking completely out of your backside on this one. No court in the land would prevent a child from having overnights with their father unless there was very clear risk of harm- and even then access is often still granted The RP absolutely does not get to decide access rights based on whether s/he approves of the NRP's sex/love life choices.

You can rant and rave about it as much as you like on here, but at the end of the day...... you're just typing words on a screen. Out in the real world, nobody gives a fuck whether you (or Mumsnet) think your ex should be allowed near your kids or not.

Out in the real world, he will actually have to get off his arse and take her to court. I'm guessing a man who puts shagging before his kids wouldn't bother.

Out in the real world, he will actually have to get off his arse and take her to court. I'm guessing a man who puts shagging before his kids wouldn't bother

You'd be surprised. I worked on an almost decade long custody battle, thousands of euros in legal bills and total heartache for all involved, only for the father to walk away when his requiremens were finally met.

His reason? To get at his ex wife. And I'm not exaggerating.

And although that's a bit of an extreme case I have seen countless NRP take RP to court just to get at them.

You're talking completely out of your backside on this one. No court in the land would prevent a child from having overnights with their father unless there was very clear risk of harm- and even then access is often still granted The RP absolutely does not get to decide access rights based on whether s/he approves of the NRP's sex/love life choices.

I think you will find no court in the land would enforce it either, from day dot. Once OP has a residency order in place, Courts generally operate on the basis that the only right possessed by the non-res parent is not to be deprived of all contact (i.e. every last vestige of seeing the child) in the absence of a very good reason. In every case of access disputes I have ever seen, this is how it has worked, bar any extra details that may be relevant such as previous DV etc. .

Unless her ex takes her to court and hashes it all out to the finest detail, she as RP, holds the cards to put it bluntly. This is of course just my personal experience and the OP has every right to disregard it.

Again, I am not encouraging the OP to withold contact with her ex, it's her exes new partner I'd have the dispute about, she has no rights whatsoever.

As much as I am bashing out words on a screen, so are you Saucy and it is only a qualified Family law practitioner who can give OP the best advice.

My ex wanted me to meet the first girlfriend he wanted to introduce our dc to

We met for coffee, was very awkward so I broke the ice by asking her if she was a mad axe murderer -neither of us were sure what the point of the meeting was

As it turned out, what I found out during the meeting was that she was no where near as excited about the relationship as he was, found it all very whirlwind and was nervous about meeting the dc so early

I told the ex I thought she was lovely (because she was) but it was perhaps too early to meet, he got very angry and introduced them anyway

4 weeks later they split up

Good point, walter! I forgot about that type of thing

Wow, he sounds like a right prince.
Sounds like you are doing well under difficult circumstances OP. Yanbu in wanting to meet her, your poor dc's must be trying to come to terms with the split and he's trying to shove the ow into their lives too soon.
Don't blame you for trying to protect them as best you can.

In your shoes I would ask for you, your ex and her to meet, sit doen calmly to arrange access and situation regards new baby. Who will look after them when you are in labour etc this is very early in a new relationship to be meeting the children but your situation is not text book. Before meeting think about what support you will need when baby comes along etc

However you are not in a position to "vet" her unless you have concerns over safety or well being of the children.

I am sorry that he has treated you so badly, try to get some comfort in the fact that the new girlfriend is now lumbered with such a twonk. Enjoy your family and new baby x

Gosh she's got some bottle hasn't she?! If she had agreed to it anyway. I'm wondering if she's the reason they didn't show last night? Maybe she realises what utter bastards they have both been.

I know if OH cheated on me and then brought it round to my house, mere weeks later, while i was pregnant, the kids would be sent to my mums and they'd both get a bucket full of paint or something chucked over their nasty little heads!

for anyone who thinks that meeting the new gf will be damaging etc, ought to think about what dictating when and where and how and if the children's father can see them will do to the children.

Because if the op were to withhold contact and the ex were to end up walking away as a result, the op would be partly responsible for that.

At the end of the day, never do anything that your children can ever hold against you in future, and withholding/dictating contact on your terms is one of those IMO.

It's not unreasonable to wonder about the woman who will be spending time with your children. However once you are separated, the reality is that your children will be spending time with their father without your supervision,and vice versa. And as much as he doesn't and shouldn't have the right to dictate who you spend time with, neither should you have the right to do the same with him, regardless of how soon it appears to be since the split.

From my own perspective it was my ex who engineered a meeting between my ds and my bf of a few weeks who I had no inclination to introduce my ds to at the time as felt it was too soon, then gave me an ultimatum that either I tell ds about him or he would, so left me no choice.

Then my ds met his gf several months before I did (which I didn't have an issue with) but then chose the time for us to meet at ds' birthday party.

I actually thought she was nice at the time, but my xh has since informed me what she thinks of me. even though she was nice to my face, so I now have reservations.

But she is with my xh and as such I have no control over that.