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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or should I make life as easy as possible for him?

86 replies

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 10:04

Genuinely not sure about this one. I have 5 children and a lovely husband who does help with some of the housework (tidying up, washing, washing up) but does little with running kids round, cooking etc. He has agreed (encouraged, and paid) for me to visit my sister for 10 days while he stays home and looks after the children. I have a choice, I can arrange for friends to help out with running around, prepare meals and freeze them and generally make life as easy as possible, or I can just let him get on with it. I am grateful (and use the word advisedly) that I can go but I feel that he has NO idea of what I do and how hard it is to juggle everything around my work (he has got the time off work). So, votes please

OP posts:

statisticsthicko · 16/01/2014 10:06

Good god, let HIM do it! It will be good for him to find out! This is a no-brainer to me.

tinyturtletim · 16/01/2014 10:07

Unless he is 12 I would leave him to it..

LoveWine · 16/01/2014 10:09

I'd let him find out how fun family life is without you

SilverApples · 16/01/2014 10:10

How old are the children?
I'd leave him to it, with a few notes if he needs them. He should be fully involved in the running of his own family, and it's a perfect opportunity for him to see the complexities underneath the smooth running surface.
But the ages of the children would be a key factor.

Fleta · 16/01/2014 10:12

I wouldn't try and use your lovely break as some kind of tool to prove a point.

It WILL be harder for him because you usually do the children's stuff. I know when I go away on the odd occasion I leave stuff to cook/DD's school things ready. Why wouldn't I?!

LastingLight · 16/01/2014 10:14

I would certainly not organise anybody to help him out, but I would leave a detailed schedule of who needs to be where, when, and with what equipment etc. He is sure to appreciate you a whole lot more when you get back!

YellowDinosaur · 16/01/2014 10:14

I wouldn't arrange for friends to help although I would ask a couple if they're happy for me to pass their numbers on. I'd also cook and freeze some meals. In fact I did both of these things in virtually identical situation a couple of years sho, although with 2 kids not 5.

The question is if you're genuinely happy with your husband and feel supported by him, and it sounds as if you are, why wouldn't you want to make things easy for him when he has arranged a break for you?

Plus from a self interest point of view isn't he likely to be happier for you to go away again if he hasn't had a totally shit time with you away?

Lweji · 16/01/2014 10:17

Leave him to it. If he needs help, he can call you or his friends.

I'd take advantage of the work habits he'll gain and pass on more to him, particularly with cooking and running kids round.

Why shouldn't you trust him to be able to deal with the children?

FuckyNell · 16/01/2014 10:18

The most I would do is send a postcard

Lweji · 16/01/2014 10:19

Of course you risk getting home to a pile of unwashed/non-ironed clothes, nothing in the fridge/freezer and a huge bill in take-aways.

I suspect he'll enjoy being in charge, though.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 16/01/2014 10:22

Yes I agree- help him out a bit. Meals cooked/ easy things in cupboard eg pasta and sauce etc. You're a team and I think he'll find it hard enough on his own with five kids! Agree with the last poster- why would you intentionally not help out if you can?

Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 10:22

Kids are 5, 13, 14, 15 and 20 (so not so much of a kid! - and won't be an issue at all)
I trust him, I was going to say that I don't want to make a point, but I suppose I do really. Not so much a "look at what I can deal with" as a "this is why x,y and z aren't always perfect". Even things like, budgeting for food. He never understands why I struggle by the end of the week to pay for yoghurts for lunch boxes. (He doesn't do food shopping very often and if he does he just buys whatever he fancies without looking at the budget - uses a different account)
Several friends have offered their phone numbers as back-up but as for calling me, I'll be out of the country! [yippee]

OP posts:

curlew · 16/01/2014 10:23

I'm a bit torn on this. Yes, he should obviously be able to feed and clothe his children and sort homework and all that. But if he never gets home until after school activities are over he won't know the finer details of who picks up who from where. He also probably won't know which friends you call on to help if you're running late, or if the car breaks down. And which friends call on you. So unless your children are sensible/old enough to tell him, then it would be daft not to jot down those details. For example, I don't think my Dp (who is very involved and works shorter hours than some) knows that for various complicated reasons, I drop our ds at a friend's house this evening for her to take him and her dd to judo, while I take her ds to the stables. And that I bring him and another child back from the stables and pick my ds up from someone else's house to go home!

BlackholesAndRevelations · 16/01/2014 10:23

Some cross posting- was referring to yellowdinosaur's post.

Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 10:23

Am writing a timetable right now!

OP posts:

curlew · 16/01/2014 10:23

"Of course you risk getting home to a pile of unwashed/non-ironed clothes, nothing in the fridge/freezer and a huge bill in take-aways"

Mine would be out the door if that happened. Seriously.

ThePigOfHappiness · 16/01/2014 10:24

Errrr is he a capable adult? Why would he not be able to cook/ clean/ iron/ whatever? I find this amazing that you would arrange for friends to cook him dinner!

BlackholesAndRevelations · 16/01/2014 10:26

Oh my goodness- I feel a little differently now I know their ages! I was thinking five children, not one child, four teens and an adult.... Leave them to it! The older kids can help out!

BlackholesAndRevelations · 16/01/2014 10:27

Hahaha three teens!!

Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 10:27

thepigofhappinessNot thinking of arranging friends to cook dinner - to help out with activity runs
I suspect the house will be tidier than when I'm home, but then he's got the week off. Laughing at how he says he's going to drop 5 yo at school, then train for his triathalon before picking her up! Not sure that's going to happen!

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/01/2014 10:29

Given their are 5 kids all with activities I think a list of activities and kit (if not obvious) would be a good idea. You can't expect to know the whole schedule if he's not normally around. However, I wouldn't draft in any help for him. If he needs help he can ask for it himself. For meals etc I'd say if you're making something before you go and you'd normally freeze some then carry on doing that but I wouldn't go out of your way to prepare meals in advance, your DH should be able to arrange that himself.

uc · 16/01/2014 10:30

Agree with YellowDinosaur's last point. When you're both home you say you share household chores, but you won't be there to do that for this 10 days, he'll be doing it all. He's also paid and encouraged you to get this break - why now try to prove a point by making it as difficult as possible for him? If he went away for 10 days, would you be grateful if he organised some stuff before he went, and was thoughtful?

Personally, I'd freeze a few meals, have a word with a couple of friends and leave him their numbers.

If he's got the time booked off work, he'll probably enjoy it!

HarderToKidnap · 16/01/2014 10:31

Well if the 20 year old lives at home and you have teenagers, I'd expect everyone to be pulling their weight with errands, cooking, cleaning and ironing.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/01/2014 10:31

Having just read the DCs ages properly most of them (apart from the 5 year old) should be largely looking after themselves shouldn't they? They could certainly each take a turn at cooking etc. I'd let DH decide this himself though.

Boreoff456 · 16/01/2014 10:33

I would make extra for meals over the next few days and freeze than and make him a schedule and go through it with him. Make any arrangments you usually would, if you normally do.

why anyone would suggest you make it harder for him is beyond me.

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