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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or should I make life as easy as possible for him?

86 replies

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 10:04

Genuinely not sure about this one. I have 5 children and a lovely husband who does help with some of the housework (tidying up, washing, washing up) but does little with running kids round, cooking etc. He has agreed (encouraged, and paid) for me to visit my sister for 10 days while he stays home and looks after the children. I have a choice, I can arrange for friends to help out with running around, prepare meals and freeze them and generally make life as easy as possible, or I can just let him get on with it. I am grateful (and use the word advisedly) that I can go but I feel that he has NO idea of what I do and how hard it is to juggle everything around my work (he has got the time off work). So, votes please

OP posts:

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 16/01/2014 10:36

Considering their ages, all you really need to do is leave him a list of any activities they do and where and when he should drop them off. There might be a fair few takeaways, but it won't do them any harm.

I would hope you come home to a relatively tidy house though, there's no excuse for it to be a mess when there are two adults and three teens to keep on top of it.

Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 10:38

It's not so much a case of making it HARDER for him, just showing him how hard it is everyday. He does help out, but you can tell from the look on his face, when he walks through the door and the dishes have been washed but not dried, he's thinking "what HAS she been doing all day" despite that I get up and make lunches, take 5yo to school, work from 9.15-3 everyday (literally school hours), come home and start running round after kids, making tea and activities. He sometimes gets home from work before I get back.

OP posts:

Onesleeptillwembley · 16/01/2014 10:40

Why the fuck should your friends feed yours and your husbands children to give your husband an easier time. Get a grip.

BookroomRed · 16/01/2014 10:40

Leave a timetable of activities if he doesn't know them. Otherwise, leave them to it. I say 'them', as the older children are perfectly capable of helping with chores, shopping, babysitting the younger ones.

There's quite a gap between getting your friends to help out (! What on earth were you going to ask them to do?!) and 'making his life difficult'!

IrisWildthyme · 16/01/2014 10:42

If you leave him to his own devices, you need to also be relaxed enough to not mind if the kids don't get to their usual activities, don't eat their 5-a-day but instead subsist on takeaway, and wear the same grubby clothes for 10 days straight. Not that this is a certainty, but you have to accept that his "success" at getting through these 10 days does not equate to mimicking you in everything.

I think the actual answer is to find a happy medium between the two extreme options. Cook and freeze 3 meals. Arrange 2 or 3 playdates or lifts to activities - but leave the rest to him.

SilverApples · 16/01/2014 10:46

'Oh my goodness- I feel a little differently now I know their ages! I was thinking five children, not one child, four teens and an adult.... Leave them to it! The older kids can help out!'

That's why it was my first question. You may get back to find out he's put a boot up the arse of your older children, why are you making their lunches, plural?
This could be the making of your family you know.

curlew · 16/01/2014 10:48

"If you leave him to his own devices, you need to also be relaxed enough to not mind if the kids don't get to their usual activities, don't eat their 5-a-day but instead subsist on takeaway, and wear the same grubby clothes for 10 days straight."

Why might this happen?

curlew · 16/01/2014 10:50

Why are you running round after 13,14 and 15 year olds?

SilverApples · 16/01/2014 10:51

Shall we write a book together, curlew?

hoobypickypicky · 16/01/2014 10:53

The three teens and the 20 year old (do people still "run round" twenty year olds ?) can tell their father in advance that they need to be, e.g., at gymnastics in the High Street for 6pm on Tuesday, complete with leotard, drink and a fiver. If they don't they miss out. Either way he doesn't need lists.

You're more than entitled to believe that a fully functioning, able bodied adult man is just as capable of cooking meals and using a washing machine as you are. Anything else is infantilising him and encouraging him to play the poor useless husband game while guilt tripping you into doing everything for him.

I know how I'd feel if I got asked to help a man out with running his own kids around when he has to spend ten whole days without his "daily help" (ie you!). I'd lose all respect for a man who called me up in that situation and would tell him to bloody well get on with the running around of his own children just like you have to!

Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 10:56

I'm not sure that I RUN round after them that much.
If I don't make their lunches they won't get any - and tbh wouldn't care at all.
I have to take 5 yo to her activities and as older kids are there at the same time they get a lift. They are not allowed to leave on their own until they are 18(!!!) BG rules! so I have to pick them up again.
I make tea for all of us, no point in everyone making their own. If they want to eat at a different time then it's over to them.
onesleep where have I said that friends would be asked to feed my family?? I have said, more than once, that I thought about asking them to help with lifts, eg. possibly for DD1 when she finishes her activity at 9pm, rather than DH leaving younger children (5 and 13 yo) on their own.

OP posts:

TheSkiingGardener · 16/01/2014 10:58

Sound like your teenagers need to pull the weight too.

Think of it as a job and do as much as you would do to handover to a colleague. A briefing, some notes ok things they may not know and then walk away.

Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 10:58

Just to clarify, I don't run round after the 20 yo, he's pretty much out of the equation, works full time at nights, so not much help with school pick-ups etc (no reason why he should be, imo, they are my and DHs kids, not his). If he's up he may eat with us, if he's not around he sorts himself out.

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Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 10:59

Glad that the GENERAL consensus is that I don't need to spend all afternoon preparing meals to freeze!

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motherinferior · 16/01/2014 10:59

'If you leave him to his own devices, you need to also be relaxed enough to not mind if the kids don't get to their usual activities, don't eat their 5-a-day but instead subsist on takeaway, and wear the same grubby clothes for 10 days straight.'

No, that would be being relaxed about him being crap. There are different parenting styles and there's crappy parenting with a strong implication of 'poor me, I can't do it properly'.

Joysmum · 16/01/2014 11:01

If you feel he needs educating as to how much you do, leave him to it.

SilverApples · 16/01/2014 11:01

Leave them for ten days and see what your OH does.
I'm astounded that you do so much for your teenagers, and that they are not part of the running of your household, do you work FT as well?
If your OH is training for a triathalon, he may force changes on your pampered poppets. Hopefully!

hoobypickypicky · 16/01/2014 11:03

Lunches - don't prepare them kids, don't eat. Call it a learning curve.

Dinners - there are 6 of us who are able to help prepare or to fully cook a meal. You don't help, you don't eat. Call it a learning curve.

DD1's activity finishing at 9pm in your absence - rather than asking someone else to run around after him, DH takes his younger two children with him to collect his DD1. Sorted.

Artandco · 16/01/2014 11:04

Leave him too it

I would also encourage elder 4 to either cook for the family/ or help make a meal each night

Make lunch for 5 year old, the rest should be able to do that themselves, if they don't they don't eat lunch, soon learn

Sorry but although you have 5 children you only really have the youngest who should need so much pampering. A 20 year old is not a child, and should be doing equal household/ cooking/ laundry as you. The three teens should also be doing a majority.
My 2 year old can put a banana, yogurt and spoon in a lunch box, and 4 year old could make a basic sandwich ie Philadelphia/ jam. I would hope that by the time he's 13 he can make a full selection of healthy meals

Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 11:05

I suppose part of me thought that if I made life as easy as possible, it was a sort of "thank you" for letting me go. I know that some people have an issue with the word "letting" but realistically, this isn't an overnighter with a friend, this is a one off, expensive trip. Yes, we both earn and it's joint money, but it's also family money that could have been used for something else/ something for him, as he earns way more than I do. On the other hand, I felt that it might do him good to realise that I don't spend all day, every day on mumsnet (not quite, anyway)
I think I'll leave them to it.
I'd also like to add that he wouldn't expect me to do anything to make life as easy as possible, let him off the hook, or however you want to put it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 11:09

Does no-one (with older kids) make packed lunches for their families/ cook a family meal at night? Serious question, or are you all parents of little ones?
hooby 5yo is in bed at 7, and I wouldn't want her to stay up until 9.30 so she could go and pick up DD1. I think he'll probably leave them at home while he pops out.

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Original poster

Justforlaughs · 16/01/2014 11:11

Why should a 20 yo be doing the same amount of cooking etc as me? He looks after himself, pays me rent, works hard all night, why should he be asked to do housework for the rest of the family.
I'm still trying to get my head around the idea of 4 people in my kitchen making lunches at the same time!

OP posts:

hoobypickypicky · 16/01/2014 11:12

"Letting"? Yeah, too right some people might have an issue with that!

It doesn't matter if it's a trip to the bloody moon and back, JustForLaughs, your trip still shouldn't be considered "letting" you go!

He earns way more than you do? So could he/ would he still be willing to do that if he had to spend 365 days a year preparing lunches, cooking dinners, running 5 children from A to B almost daily, doing school runs, doing the vast majority of the housework? I doubt if he'd have the energy, never mind the time!

I bet I know who out of the two of you takes time off work when the kids are sick too!

SilverApples · 16/01/2014 11:13

Just, mine are 18 and 22. We have rotas for stuff, and I stopped making their lunches when they started Y8.
DD and I share the cooking because we enjoy it, and DS cooks once a week for all of us because it's a life skill. Washing up, we take turns.
OH doesn't cook, but he's a fantastic ironer. We all know how to use the washing machine

hoobypickypicky · 16/01/2014 11:18

"Does no-one (with older kids) make packed lunches for their families/ cook a family meal at night? Serious question, or are you all parents of little ones?"

No, there is no making packed lunches or making all the dinners for older family members in this house! It's a shared responsibility to cook dinner.

Re the 5 yo, personally I'd rather take the child with me at 9pm than leave her with a 13 year old. That's not the responsibility of a sibling and it's too big a one imho. Anyway, it's only for 10 days and I presume that the 9pm activities aren't on every one of those days, so it's not going to harm the 5yo in that short time.

Someone else will surely comment on the 20 year old and doing his share of the housework. I'm a bit shocked at the question tbh!

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