or should I make life as easy as possible for him?

[Justforlaughs]

Genuinely not sure about this one. I have 5 children and a lovely husband who does help with some of the housework (tidying up, washing, washing up) but does little with running kids round, cooking etc. He has agreed (encouraged, and paid) for me to visit my sister for 10 days while he stays home and looks after the children. I have a choice, I can arrange for friends to help out with running around, prepare meals and freeze them and generally make life as easy as possible, or I can just let him get on with it. I am grateful (and use the word advisedly) that I can go but I feel that he has NO idea of what I do and how hard it is to juggle everything around my work (he has got the time off work). So, votes please

If I had 3 teens who had packed lunches (rather than two who don't) doing the lunches would be part of the rota of jobs they do. So it wouldn't be 4 people in the kitchen making them, it would be one. But that one would not automatically be me. In the same way, that the one person cooking the evening meal, or walking the dog or cleaning the bath or any of the other jobs that keep a family ticking along is not necessarily me.

Just- because he's adult member of a household. Why wouldn't you expect him to say cook for everyone on Mondays or Hoover around regularly

Myself and dh work hard, pay rent, look after ourselves. We also don't expect anyone else to do stuff if we didn't. We have children to care for, blah blah. I wouldn't go back to my parents and not lift a finger ( btw we aren't that much older than him)

You don't need 4 in the kitchen. Monday child number 1 makes lunch for everyone, Tuesday child 2, wed child 3, thurs 4, fri you etc

SilverApples- what shall we call our best seller?

Thanks for comments everyone, will go and do some packing now!!

(He doesn't do food shopping very often and if he does he just buys whatever he fancies without looking at the budget - uses a different account)

What is this about? The budget should be a family budget, surely?

I think it will be a good experience for all of them.

They don't have to do lunches all at the same time, but even the 20 year old could cook one meal and help out with laundry for his siblings. Why not?

When my dp is in charge he learns all sorts of new things like which day is library day and that you need to make sure dd has the right socks washed for school. It's good for him. (When he's away I learn about pool filters and man stuff).

I also find that he fosters independence in dd - gets her making her own lunch, getting ready for school by herself. His parenting approach is different to mine but in some ways it is good for her.

Just write a quick list of dates/things to do, ask him if he wants to prepare some meals ahead of time together, then go have fun!

Hi, I know the temptation is just to leave him to it, BUT, it may also mean that he does not offer again!! How would you feel if you had to take on a new job and you were given no direction or help?

Personally I would try to make it as easy as possible for him, as I would hope he would for you. If you can, I would leave a load of dinners in the freezer and leave the fridge well stocked, lists and some help from friends.

I would also sit the kids down and explain that they need to help, pull there own weight etc.

Enjoy your trip.

Compromise, don't make life as easy as possible or arrange for friends to run around after him but at the same time don't make it as difficult as possible to prove a point. After all you say he's lovely, and he must realise the pressure you're under if he wants you to have a break. You don't want him to think he can't cope on his own and beg you not to go away again! Leave him a few helpful tips and frozen meals or takeaway numbers! Make sure the kids know they need to muck in too. And then enjoy your break, safe in the knowledge that things aren't falling apart at home.

Trying to imagine DHs face if I tell him that mumsnet thinks I do too much around the house He'll faint!
Can also imagine DCs faces at being expected to eat food prepared by other DCs, let alone do it for the others.
I do far less for my DCs than any of their friends mothers do, I thought they were pretty good tbh, maybe i need to rethink, but it is just easier to make the sandwiches myself!

Hmmm - thought long and hard before posting. A couple of thoughts.

• what does "proving" to your DH how hard it is actually achieve? I think were i to draw a list of what it would achieve is - acrimony, bitterness, point scoring, disharmony.
• He isn't letting you go - but you have agreed a great trip and whereas before there were two of you - albeit doing different things to make it work - there is now one - so regardless how you feel about workloads - it all falls to one.
• I would suggest - give the kids a choice - make their own lunches or buy food - they are old enough to work money out i presume unless of course they have been so infantilised that even simple transactions are beyond them.
• Any other issues - would suggest to DH he either sorts out or subcontracts out.
• were it me - i would make a few things and freeze - and declare them the safety net.
• The 20 year old needs a good dose of reality. they need to muck in - do their bit or ship out. In fact it sounds like all of the kids bar the 5yr old need a short sharp shock. Failure to achieve means failure to eat.

Artandco - hits the nail on the head. they should all be stepping up to a plate that you have filled for them for too long.

I do the packed lunches in this house, mine, dh and a 15 yr old. I work part time, they get in way after me. Dh cooks x 2 a week, I do 5 and I don't do lunch on weekends. You aren't alone op ;)

"Can also imagine DCs faces at being expected to eat food prepared by other DCs, let alone do it for the others."

I do think that's incredibly sad

"Hi, I know the temptation is just to leave him to it, BUT, it may also mean that he does not offer again!!"

"Offer"?

He doesn't need to "offer". You don't "offer" to look after your own children fgs!

Lweji I have an account with my earnings plus some, which covers food and whatever else i want to buy. The main account is for bills, and all the extras, like holidays, takeaways. We do it like that because, hand on heart, I'd spend it all if I could! (I get slated on here everytime I say that) I need to stick to a budget, and the only way that I do is to have a limited amount of money available. As I say, by the end of the week I struggle to buy the "treats", by the end of the month - don't ask Mum for a pair of new shoes. Different budgets for different things.

Curlew - I agree - as soon as mine can be trusted with a butter knife they get cooking and learning to look after themselves.

Though they could go without - a day of hunger soon deals with pickiness. They are old enough that they won't faint from exhaustion. Though the apron strings must seem awfully tight on them all

Thank you QOD starting to feel like a "billynomates" on here - might name change! (as I've outed myself spectacularly on here!)

So your 13, 14, 15 and 20 year olds don't do things for the household, like cook, clean, laundry etc? Why not? If "you can't imagine the faces" if asked, maybe it's time they start. Why would you do it all yourself? They are perfectly capable.

I would get a friend organised to do the late pick up for your DD1 so that the 5 and 13 yo are not left in the house alone. I would give him a schedule of who needs to be where with what (including school requirements if necessary - eg PE on Tuesday - pack games kit) but then, as he'll have the daytime in the house that you don't, I don't see why he won't be able to do everything else himself. Oh - and if he uses a different account for shopping when he's doing it, leave him to do it more often!!!

If you leave him to his own devices, you need to also be relaxed enough to not mind if the kids don't get to their usual activities, don't eat their 5-a-day but instead subsist on takeaway, and wear the same grubby clothes for 10 days straight. Not that this is a certainty, but you have to accept that his "success" at getting through these 10 days does not equate to mimicking you in everything.

No, because that would be neglectful of him. And rather lazy on the part of the teens as well.

I would treat him exactly how I would anyone else having care of DC handed to them. So I'd prepare a list of routine(s) with days and times and ask if he wanted anything buying.

My only low expectation would be of how much of the chores I do as "routine" to keep them from building up get done. So expect everyone to have clean clothes every day but maybe have a very full washing basket when you get home etc as your normal systems won't be followed.

But then when DH goes away I let the washing up build up because the system is that he does it so I struggle to keep on top of it. Doesn't mean we eat off dirty plates just that the worktop is less clear than usualy.

I'm trying to work out where I've gone wrong on this thread.
"Apron strings"?? What are you talking about? I think I've explained it wrong or something. They are quite used to eating nothing at tea time, if they don't like what is put in front them they go hungry. If I'm not here, they prepare their own food and quite capably too. Yes, I make their packed lunches but why not? I don't leave the house until 45 minutes after they do, so I have more time than them. Yes, if I'm going to be eating, I cook for everyone who is here.
and yes DD1 would be ill if she didn't eat, as she is Type1 diabetic.

Op, if your system works for you, then that's fine. It's just that for some of us it appears that your teenage children are not building the skills they are going to need as adults, as students in a houseshare, or recognising that unless they stay at home forever, mum won't be around to do everything for them.
The fact that you can't just swan off for ten days without worrying about all of them, despite the presence of their father, means that they are still very, very dependent on you.
Which is OK for the 5 year old, but the teens should be more capable.

I don't get outrage at "letting her go".

My husband "lets me go" away for weekends/nights away. And yes, he lets me go because they usally mean a bloody damn sight of inconvenience for him.

In return i "let him go" on weekends with the lads etc.

Its not about abandoning my feminist principles. Its about being in an equal, loving partnership and we would never, ever agree to go away with consent of the other.

AND I sometimes make OH a packed lunch. So there

I used to travel a lot. Some spare meals in the freezer are a big help. As is a list of dropping/collecting times. And instructions on how to use equipment he doesn't normally use, like washing machine/drier?
Your DH will still have to organise everything. These small helps are usually gratefully appreciated.

Why would you want it to be any harder than it needs be? It is very nice that you are getting a holiday away from home. It seems mean to not want to pave the way for your DH to have a successful time in your absence.

Will your 20 year old be sharing household responsibilities with his future partner if she's a SAHP with a baby?
Or will he feel that he's done his bit by working?

And your partner
'but you can tell from the look on his face, when he walks through the door and the dishes have been washed but not dried, he's thinking "what HAS she been doing all day"

Not 'Why aren't my children pulling their weight?'

of course it might be nice for everything to fall completely apart while you are away and come back to a smoking ruin and then be able to be ever so self important about how central you are to everything.

To be honest - you should be saying to your DH why don't you, me and the youngest bugger off for a week and let em get on with it

and I agree with Silverapples - the teens should be bashing at the walls in the need for independence. The worry of course is that you like the dependency and are co-dependent which would not be healthy. Though i don't think thats the prob.

Stick some milk in the fridge - let the kids sort their timetable out with their dad and get the hell out of dodge. Everything else will sort itself out. If you want to freeze some food - great. I am sure it will be eaten with gratitude but don't expect beatification. Martyrs don't get that till they are gone for good. (prob way to harsh but i think i make my point)