Re mother leaving children?

[Gimmesomemore]

Not a close friend, but more of an acquaintance, has left her husband and 2 young children.

Apparently she left out of the blue to live with a new man she met, and is currently living over a couple of hours away.

There has been no contact with the children, and their father has taken a step back from his business to provide full time care of the children.

Well everyone who knows the family are extremely shocked, but mainly as it was the mother who left the children.

Aibu to ask whether this is normal for people to consider this as somewhat worse than if it was the father who had cheated and left, breaking all contact. Or is it down to the fact that this is less common?

Hmm. For me, my bond with my children is of paramount importance, more so when they were small. So if I am typical, then it would be considered worse.

That sounds like a really sad situation. I suppose it IS less common for a mother to leave and pretty unusual to leave in these circumstances. I'm not a man so I can't comment on how it feels to be one but certainly as a mum I cannot imagine anything on earth that would make me up and leave my Dd like that. Ugh, the thought of it is so instinctively hideous.

I don't think it's worse. I would have no problem with a parent of either gender leaving the relationship but staying in contact with the children and being a good parent and would judge equally any parent who abandoned them

I think it will become more common, as women and men find themselves more evenly matched employment wise.

It is common enough now for women to be in a position where their career/employment status makes it a viable option for them to leave the family home, while the husband stays put with the children.

If the father has been an equal, or the primary care giver up until then, it makes as much sense for the mother to leave as it would for the man to leave in another relationship.

I think it's hard for many people to imagine how a parent of either sex could do this, although the evidence is all around us that many, many parents (male and female) feel no such qualms.

I don't judge people who reject parenthood. I just wish they had thought harder before having kids.

It's a very sad and shocking situation, but no worse IMO for a woman than it would be for a man. Just more unusual.

Definitely less common, IMO, but not worse.

Perhaps the father of those children, despite working full time, was actually closer to them than the mother? More 'hands on'. Perhaps it was a guilt thing, that made her break off contact completely?

Women are judged more harshly than men, i think, by society, when they break up a family.

I think it's quite sad that we still see women as more attached to and responsible for the children. It's only society's patriarchal views that make people see mothers who leave as worse than fathers who leave.

I think that to say it is worse just minimises the awfulness of fathers doing this. It's more unusual therefore shocking (if that's not too strong a word), but not worse, no.

Unfortunately I've seen this situation 3 times in my life.

It's desperately sad for any parent to walk away from their DC. I as a mother can't understand it as I'm sure any good Dad can't. I don't think the sex of the parent should matter although I do feel more shock when it's a women and personally although I know it shouldn't be worse have an underlying feeling that it is.

I actually left my ex, and as a result my children. Actually I was taken away in an ambulance due to physical and emotional abuse and didn't go back... He used the time to poison their minds against me. They were both older though, at secondary school. Now I have a fabulous relationship with both of them.

It's a horrible situation to be in, and people are very judgmental of it, and have been of me tbh. I really think people shouldn't judge, nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I'm step mother to a boy of 7. It's a complicated situation but his mother left us with him at 10 weeks and didn't want 'an active role'.
Oddly enough she is now a dinner lady at his school and the situation is very stressful for him as he knows she is his mother but she only wants to see him once a month for an hour.

It must be very hard for her in many ways but she has never demonstrated these difficulties to us in any way whatsoever.
She is now remarried with 2 girls and a baby on the way.
It breaks my heart for S-DS

My Mum did this to me when I was a kid. At the time only 2% of single parents were Dads. Pretty horrible situation to be in, they have all my sympathy.

Maybe she has mental health issues?

Maybe there's something the DH did which contributed?

Does the shock come from men or women?

I can't imagine leaving DD - so I struggle to comprehend a mother doing that, but I imagine that DH would feel the same and not comprehend a man doing that.

Women are undoubtedly judged far more harshly than men for abandoning their children.

When a man leaves, he is somehow dismissed with an eye roll and maybe a bit of muttering.

When a woman does it - oh my god! She is all things evil and foul. How can a mother abandon her children!

Even down to the language used. Which I have deliberately used in order to illustrate my point.

A man leaves. A woman abandons. A man walks away from a relationship. A woman is abandoning her children.

It comes down to the perception of women as nurturing parents who will always care for their young regardless the circumstances.

It's also why we are, as a society, more shocked by a female paedophile. A woman? Surely not. And why women who kill their offspring must be mentally ill whereas men are described as evil.

All got the same root. women=mother=caring & nurturing & selfless.

Imo its not worse. But I think society in general think its worse.

Me and dh split and moved out. We shared dds care 50/50. The reason i moved out was that I could move in with mum and dad and dd could have her own room there. Had dh, moved out it would have been to his parents 45 mins away. Which would have made things more difficult.

But the moment mums at dds school (& work collegues) heard I had moved, I became a social leper. They assumed I had moved out and abandoned dd, even though I still took her to school. This went to the point dh spoke to 3 of them very loudly explaining I had moved so we could both be close to dd and both care for her. Then he complained to the school. I personally wasn't that bothered that a bunch of busy bodies thought I was wrong, but then dh complained to the school as well. He was more bothered than I was.

We are back together now, so its not quite the same. But I have seen first hand the reaction of people when a mother leaves.

It does not compute for me. I cannot imagine EVER leaving my children for any reason at all. Even if I was being abused, I would not leave without them. Nothing is more important than them for me. I cannot comprehend how a mother could do this.

I think, GENERALLY, women are more emotionally driven and men tend to be more practical. So yes to me it is more shocking when a woman leaves her children. I cannot imagine my dh leaving his children though.

Boreoff456 but you didn't abandon your child. Would split up and moved out for practical reasons, you have 50/50 care. It is different to leaving the home for another man, 2 hours away without considering the effect it will have on the children

This is what worries me, as I wonder what drove her to do this. Nobody has contact with her and although I find it hard to believe that anyone would see this as a better option, part of me hopes she is ok. I've not voiced this though.

Agree with other posters - I don't think it's worse, society thinks it's worse. And actually, that feeling lets men off the hook more often and not. I think we should judge each sex equally harshly for abandoning* their children but we cut men a pass for it most of the time.

But until we stop thinking of women as the default 'heart' of every family, this won't change.

*of course leaving a relationship, coming to a good arrangement in the children's best interests and continuing to have a strong and stable presence in your children's life is not what I'm talking about here.

My post sent too soon.
I couldn't image ever leaving my children even in an abusive circumstance - although I'd struggle to judge someone who did.

However I do understand that there's that odd issue similar to a girl who sleeps around being called a slut and a man a stud. With a woman it is abandon with a man it is simply leaving.

No matter how out of love i was with my DH or how much in love with an OM i was, there would be no way on earth i would leave my kids. It's inconceivable to me.

Do you think that the reason people do think it's worse is down to us hearing about men leaving more often than women and therefore are desensitised to it when it is a man walking out?

It's interesting actually. I view men and women who abandon (and I do mean abandon, no contact etc) as the same. But if a woman leaves the family home but has contact I still feel like it is worse than when a man does it.

I know it's not a fair view but I genuinely can't help it or alter my thought process...

timetoask exactly. All these people heard was that I had moved out and that was enough to say I had abandoned dd.

Dh would not have got the same shit had he have moved out.