Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re mother leaving children?

110 replies

Gimmesomemore · 15/01/2014 13:19

Not a close friend, but more of an acquaintance, has left her husband and 2 young children.

Apparently she left out of the blue to live with a new man she met, and is currently living over a couple of hours away.

There has been no contact with the children, and their father has taken a step back from his business to provide full time care of the children.

Well everyone who knows the family are extremely shocked, but mainly as it was the mother who left the children.

Aibu to ask whether this is normal for people to consider this as somewhat worse than if it was the father who had cheated and left, breaking all contact. Or is it down to the fact that this is less common?

OP posts:
Kendodd · 15/01/2014 14:04

I think it's worse if the primary care giver is the one who leaves. It sounds in your friends case this was the mother, so in this case I would say, yes it is worse.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/01/2014 14:04

I think because women tend to be the primary carer, it is somehow seen as more shocking when they leave. I don't think it is worse than the man leaving, and would try not to jump straight to mental health problems/what did he do to her because you just wouldn't do the same with the man. I do know in my own relationship that if we ever split, DH would not be happy with anything less than a reasonable 50/50 split, and perhaps it is becoming more common for that to be the case?

MillyONaire · 15/01/2014 14:07

I would not have been a bit maternal before having my first child. Indeed I worried about whether I would bond with the baby but sure enough Mother Nature meant that even though the first few weeks (months even) were hard going I would have fought tooth and nail to protect my baby. For that reason I see it as mothers going against nature by leaving their children. I do not think that men automatically bond in the same way that most (but apparently not all) women do and that is why it seems more shocking for women to abandon their children.

BuzzardBird · 15/01/2014 14:09

My Mother's Mother walked out on her when she was taken to hospital by her father with a broken arm, she came back to find her mother gone. It, I would say from my experience, completely screwed her life up. My poor mother attempted to resume a relationship with her when we were all little but it didn't work out and in the end my DM didn't even know that her Mother was dead, she also didn't care. I don't feel that a Father abandoning her would have had the same outcome.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/01/2014 14:09

I do believe it is worse, a mother and child bond is something to me inconceivable to walk away from.

Katnisscupcake · 15/01/2014 14:10

I used to a work for a woman when I was 16 (Saturday job in a shoe shop) who was engaged to a lovely man. All she talked about was her upcoming wedding and how desperate she was for kids. I went to their wedding and they were so happy.

They struggled to conceive but eventually went on to have 3 healthy children. One day, completely out of the blue, she walked out on her husband and three children. The youngest, a baby girl, was 4 months old. She moved in with a man she'd met just a month before.

She went on to marry the other man, moved to the other end of the country and has had nothing to do with the children since. She walked out about 14 years ago Sad.

I find it unbelievable because of how I feel about my daughter. But I'm not in the situation of these women that have done it, so I really can't fathom it at all.

ExcuseTypos · 15/01/2014 14:12

My mother walked put on us when I was 3. I'm afraid I do judge her. It hit me like a brick when my own dd was born. How could any mother leave their child? It's affected my life hugely, I have very little self esteem.

I still don't understand how she could do it and I'm 48 and she's dead. It bewilders me and I feel very sorry for any child this has happened to.

wouldbemedic · 15/01/2014 14:12

I don't know if it's morally worse. How can anyone judge that? But it feels worse to me as a stay at home mum in a traditional, conservative community. Why? Because my husband, much as he adores our daughter, doesn't spend every minute with her. While he could never leave her life on a daily basis, he would fare better than I would in such conditions because I'm her carer. That's not to say every mother should stay home and I know I'm over-generalising but children need to be raised and looked after and that takes time. Time that's most often put in by the mother because it's mothers are more emotionally suited to it, a lot of the time. Every time someone has a baby and puts them in full-time nursery after a few months, telling me that they couldn't cope with having them all day, I have to stifle a feeling of sorrow and exasperation. I've seen children with childminders and at nursery and it's just not the same. So if a mother walked out on that role, I'd wonder who was going to do it. If their father can cope with it, then fine. If not...well, those kids have been abandoned and from my perspective, that's always a tragedy. But it seems especially sad when they're losing the nurturing stability of a mother's love.

Pigsmummy · 15/01/2014 14:15

My Mum left me and my siblings, for another man. More common than you think.

I can't imagine any situation where I would do the same and I think women should be judged more harshly for leaving their children for a new partner than if it were a man doing the leaving.

In cases of abuse even more so. Leaving children with an abuser, horrific!

Original poster
Gimmesomemore · 15/01/2014 14:16

Just wanted to apologise if my thread has caused any upset or distress, as that was never my intention.

OP posts:
ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/01/2014 14:19

"Every time someone has a baby and puts them in full-time nursery after a few months, telling me that they couldn't cope with having them all day, I have to stifle a feeling of sorrow and exasperation."

Right, but doesn't that tell you that not all mothers experience the same things. We don't all feel exactly the same about our children. I can be a loving, kind, patient parent with DS. But not full time. I just can't. I'm shit at it. In terms of hands on parenting I am around more because I work P/T and DH works F/T but when we are both there we have a very even split of parenting and I don't think that DS would fare any worse if I left, compared to DH leaving iyswim?

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/01/2014 14:19

Why should women be judged more harshly for the same act, than a man?

SaucyJack · 15/01/2014 14:20

I don't think it's really any worse for women to do it.

What I do think tho, is that society is far too tolerant of men who abandon their kids- rather than being too hard on women that do the same.

It's an awful thing to do.

AnneElliott · 15/01/2014 14:20

I agree that women are judged more harshly than men for leaving their children. Not sure if that's fair or not though. I think mothers and fathers do feel differently about their children, although on MN both sexes are equal 100% of the time. I don't think that's true of RL. While my DH loves DS and is a very good dad, he does not feel about him they way I do. Mothers have evolved to protect and care for their young whereas men have not. I would judge a woman more harshly I think because knowing how I feel about DS, I could not understand how they could do it.

weekendninja · 15/01/2014 14:21

I agree with kendodd in that it is the disappearance of the primary care giver that is worse and more problematic. The sex is irrelevant.

I think that a mother leaving is viewed socially far worse and as a result would possibly make the child question why their mum wasn't about as it's the social norm.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 15/01/2014 14:25

I think saucy has hit the nail on head. We're not to hard on women, we're to tolerant of men who do it.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 15/01/2014 14:29

What I do think tho, is that society is far too tolerant of men who abandon their kids- rather than being too hard on women that do the same.

I think this is pretty much bang on.

WilsonFrickett · 15/01/2014 14:47

My Dad walked out on me; my BF's mum left the family home (though had contact). I would say the effect on my friend and I has been pretty much the same. Very, very hard, for both of us.

I know her mother was judged much, much more harshly than my father, even though she had contact and continued to be a parent.

I completely agree that we should be less tolerant of men who do this, rather than harder on women.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi · 15/01/2014 14:53

My DH absolutely feels the same way and has the same bond as I do with our dc. I'm not saying that all men do or even all women do but of course there are fathers who are equally as bonded and are the main carers

Pinkspottyegg · 15/01/2014 14:55

I think that as a society we need to get comfortable with the fact that for some people, being a parent is a living nightmare for them. It's not great or lovely or wonderful to leave the kids but for some, it's just too hard. So to avoid the situation happening in the first place there needs to be more education about just how shite it can be sometimes. There are days when I feel like running to the hills screaming and I think I'm fairly normal but for some it must be a zillion times worse.

ExcuseTypos · 15/01/2014 14:59

That is true Pink, but when those people then go on to have other children it leaves the 'abandoned children' feeling even more distressed.

sparechange · 15/01/2014 15:00

My mother did it to me and my siblings.

Even 20 years later, I meet people who don't believe me because they just cannot comprehend that a mother could do that to her children and there must be more to it that I'm not telling them.

I suspect that it is something that will become more common, as childcare responsibilities and earnings are more 50/50 in relationships.
A woman who is used to her partner doing half the childcare might find it less of abandonment if she leaves her children in his care and moves out.

FaerieBells · 15/01/2014 15:01

I think that as a society we need to get comfortable with the fact that for some people, being a parent is a living nightmare for them.

This is absolutely bang on. Loads of people bitterly regret having children.

Education - especially of girls and young women - that having children is not compulsory, and is no guarantee of happiness, might help a bit.

Every time I hear a woman hassling her DCs to produce grandchildren I grind my teeth.

Lonecatwithkitten · 15/01/2014 15:05

It no longer surprises me. Three years ago I would have said my Ex would have never done anything to upset DD. what he has put her through in the last 18 months is beyond me and now there is talk of him having a year in Thailand - if he goes I suspect she will never speak to him again.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 15/01/2014 15:08

For a start would never describe being a parent as shit at times. Tough yes but shit, no.

However, I'm not sure how much trying to educate people of the difficulties will put them off, I've was told alot when I was younger how difficult parenthood is but it didn't put me off wanting to be a Mum. I honestly don't think people can ever know what it is like to be a parent until it happens to them.

I think people know it's tough but they see everyone else getting by ok and think "we'll manage."

It's not something you can give hands on experience of. Therefore people prior to having children won't be able to comprehend how hard it can be at times.