Re mother leaving children?

[Gimmesomemore]

Not a close friend, but more of an acquaintance, has left her husband and 2 young children.

Apparently she left out of the blue to live with a new man she met, and is currently living over a couple of hours away.

There has been no contact with the children, and their father has taken a step back from his business to provide full time care of the children.

Well everyone who knows the family are extremely shocked, but mainly as it was the mother who left the children.

Aibu to ask whether this is normal for people to consider this as somewhat worse than if it was the father who had cheated and left, breaking all contact. Or is it down to the fact that this is less common?

I do think there is a lot of pressure on young women to Do The Right Thing; meet a nice enough man, get married, have a nice job and nice house and nice family. And a lot of people do that because, it's just the thing all their peers do, and fine that it actually isn't making them happy at all and then... either live with it or leave I guess. And leaving is much easier now, with increased equality and more even splits of household labour.

Parenting has a habit of highlighting any cracks in your relationship that you previously managed to gloss over.

Bits of parenting are shite. Whether it's all worth it in the end is a matter of personal opinion I guess.

I don't understand it, my mum left me when I was 9 and I lived between my dad and my nanas for 2 years and I hated my mum for it,they got back together after 2 years but it took me a long long time to forgive her! I couldn't ever leave my kids I would fight tooth and nail for them BUT DH would be the same as his mum left him when he was 4 he didn't have a good childhood he was brought up by an alcoholic father, he had to fend for himself and he doesn't understand how a parent could leave their kids!!

It happened to me and 4 you get siblings when I was 14, youngest was 4. She just fucked off and left us with their dad, my step dad and he couldn't cope. The house was a mess when she left, there were nice and the cupboards were bare. She spent the last of the family allowance on herself to buy new clothes and a train ticket to her new man's house on the other side of the country. She was a cruel, selfish cow.

I think it's life, people split up and it's horrid when any parent chooses to move. Distance away from their children. If a mother leaves the children with a father who is able to care for the children well then fine. But if they are the main carer and they do this then yes I think it's worse. It's not about the gender, it's about who does most of the child care and thus is most crucial to the children feeling secure and maintaining a routine during a difficult time.

While I strongly believe that both father and mother have equal importance for their children the process of having those children is very different for each sex.
That process and pure biology makes it more rare and worse for a woman to walk.

Depression has a lot to answer for, more, than I think, people realise.

And, no, I am not making excuses.

When I was living with my ex-partner, life was hell. Not his hell, my hell. I felt that I was never doing things sufficiently (even though I worked and had four children) and I was always left to do the lionshare of everything. He was just like a glorified lodger

There were ocassions where I thought to myself that I could quite easily escape from this life (be it running away or just never waking up one morning) and when I used to whinge talk to people about it, the general consensus was that music must be feeling down because she has four kids and works and I used to agree.

It was only when I went to see my GP and spoke to her about it all that the penny dropped. It wasn't the children that were getting me down, or my job. It was the fact that I was in an unsatisfactory relationship. But because all of these things interlink with each other, I couldn't see the wood from the trees.

I am single and can't think of anything worse than not being with my children, but if you had asked me that question a few years ago, you may not have liked the answer.

Why is it worse simply because of biology? Can you expand?

My biological mother put us all into care.

Was it her responsibility to look after us? yes (but only because the father had walked so the onus was on her)

Do I blame her? no

I think the potential damage to children is greater if its the mother than the father. Any psychologist will tell you that maternal bond is absolutely crucial (not to say the paternal one isn't, just less so) and the potential for harm if it's broken or absent is much greater.

This happened to a family I know. When I saw the mother being referred to as a childcare expert in a newspaper a number of years later I nearly spat out my tea. I cannot understand how any parent mother or father can just walk away from children. It is obscene.

Hypothetically if me and Dp were to split up it would be me that would be expected to leave, he is the primary care giver now and I'm a full time student at the moment (and will hopefully be the one with the full time career)we switched roles in September. I don't think it is worse for a mum to leave her children but I do think it's worse if either parent leave and don't remain in regular contact.

Maybe she has mental health issues?

Maybe there's something the DH did?

Hmm, would these questions be asked if it were the father that walked out?

For me, it does seem worse when a mother does it, but. I strongly suspect that that is because society is far too lenient on fathers who walk out, rather than because it actually is worse.

Think of the process of pregnancy. Think of the emotional journey. Think of the physical changes to the body. Think of the extremities of giving birth. Think of the body and mind taken over and dedicated entirely to the process of creating another life. For a year more or less. The man ejaculates. Once.
Of course it is worse if a woman walks. However I also believe that depression plays a huge part. Post traumatic stress also plays a role. And the never ending "well, it is natural" plays a role. The intolerance of women who struggle and flounder. I could go on forever.

mistermakers has it. We tend to think a mother leaving her children is worse than a father leaving, but I think this is mainly because society expects mothers not to leave and expects/allows fathers to with much less judgement.

One thing in your op. You said about him having to step back from the business. Well yes he would have to. This is no different to what happens to eomen who have to step back from work when they become a single parent. So no outrage ftom me on that score.

To go no contact though . That is just cruel

Bratingham I totally disagree with that. You cannot possibly sum up a mans feelings about his child/unborn child by 'well all he did was ejacualte once so he can't possibly care as much'. Some women hate pregnancy, some women don't bond at all during pregnancy or the early days- loads of posters here have said they didn't bond instantly, the biology of childbirth isn't a magic bullet. Not to mention how dismissive it is of adopted or other non blood related parents who have as great a bond with their children

When I said he has taken a step back from his business, I meant that he has decided to do this rather than arrange child minders or nursery.

DSD's mum left her when she was 15 weeks old. Didn't get in contact for a month then went and got full time residency once DSD was potty trained and could talk!
She tried to do the same to her DS but his dad wasn't interested.

Kaleesi You cannot possibly sum up a mans feelings about his child/unborn child by 'well all he did was ejacualte once so he can't possibly care as much'. Some women hate pregnancy, some women don't bond at all during pregnancy or the early days- loads of posters here have said they didn't bond instantly, the biology of childbirth isn't a magic bullet. Not to mention how dismissive it is of adopted or other non blood related parents who have as great a bond with their children

I did not suggest any of the above!! Read with more care. I state very clearly that men and women have equal value and importance in the children's lives. A father is not a mother and nor should he try to be. A mother is not a father nor should she try to be.

There are huge gender differences in what each brings to the table.

Just wanted to say that people do say dad's abandon their children if they leave. I have heard this said by men and women of a father that leaves and doesn't bother parenting afterwards.

Sorry if I read your post wrong bratingham but I was disagreeing with what you said that the biology of having a child makes it worse for a mother to walk away, I don't believe that is true

This thread shows perfectly what the problem is.
One poster said that they when they read that a mum has put children on ft nursery, it makes them wince.
One person says they have occasionally found parenting as 'shite'. Another responded it was tough not shite.

Talk about judgemental! I mean the thread as a whole.

I don't enjoy parenting that much. Not as much as I had imagined it would.
And for me it truely is shit. Not just tough. Totally shit.

And it had occurred to me over he years, at the worst stages of dealing with ds1's SN and ds2's non sleeping, with my chronic health condition, that I really could run away and abandon.

If some of you are in your idyllic life, with children who are your dream, then good for you.
My GP told me that she knew no one who could cope with my life.
I think if you asked there might be a few mn'ers who could abandon.

I think society does judge women who leave more but dont think its down to their sex. The courts favour women so often the man has no choice re custody or leaving the marital home. If the courts treated both sexes equally it would be a better playing field. Neither parent is more important than the other.

I suspect it's harder on the child because it's less common.

There will always be lots of children of single mums. It must make you feel much less normal and impact your self esteem in a different way if you are the only one whose mother left. And it would be commented on much more I imagine.

I think there is an expectation that a maternal bond is more powerful than the paternal, however I think it depends in the individual. My mother left me, several times, it was worse to see her come back and leave again. We have never had a good relationship and don't talk at all now, her choice, not mine. I think this is the reality of how hurt and abandoned I felt then and still do.

I feel so terribly sad for these children, the mother is a selfish individual, her mental health I don't believe is the issue , if she can enjoy a new relationship she knows what she is doing. Her new man is a waste of space to let it happen. Those children deserve a loving mother.