To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

[PMDD]

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

you know the ones that say 'juicy' right across the buttocks?

BTW we cannot afford a large party and have had to do smaller ones at home.

we have had to invite only 8 ish children. My DD came home the other day and said she has not got an invite to a party and she thinks lots of other ones did. I explained to her that like us, that girls mummy might not have enogh space or money to have everyone to her party.

I invite the children my dd wants to invite as it's her party. I don't really make a point of keeping track who else had parties and whether dd was invited. I find that all a bit odd tbh, you sound a bit high maintenance. Presumably they bring a gift for your dc so what's the issue?

I think that inviting only on the basis of getting an invite back is shallow.

Hmm!! YANB entirely U: if a child your dc has invited to his party has a whole-class party and doesn't invite your dc, then you would be justified in not inviting that child next time.

However, if other children have smaller parties and don't invite your dc, then YABU not to invite said child next time. Whole-class parties and smaller ones are very different.

Invite who you want! I expect other parents to. We've invited every boy except one from DS's class. They never play together and don't like each other. I wouldn't be miffed if his parents did the same.

I can sort of see where you are coming from. For the past 3 years my DD had big parties and invited loads, but received virtually no reciprocal invites. It wasn't that the children were not having parties, they were, but they just were not inviting DD. Bowling parties where you can only have a set number, and pizza parties which are expensive so they keep the numbers down, my DD would always be the fifth on the list when they could only have four- etc. She has dealt with it ok and has accepted it, but this year I have said that the party is going to be much smaller and only those who invite to parties or to tea will be invited. Am I wrong to do that?

I should add that most of her friend's mothers are in a little clique that I am definitely not part of- this I think is the real reason she does not get invited!

You chose to have big parties, you can't expect everyone else to chose to celebrate birthdays the same way. I lot of people couldn't afford a big party at all.

To not invite a child simply because they don't celebrate their birthday in the same way as you do is petty and unfair.

Should the child whose parents can't afford even a small party never get invited to anything?

Yabu do you only give to receive?

OP, I have never had big parties for my DC. They tend to go to parties that they have been invited to unless we have something else arranged as I've always thought it would be rude not too. I spend about £8 on a pressie which I feel probably covers the cost of most of what they eat (most parties are ridiculously over catered) with a bit left over towards the entertainer/party bags. That being said I'd be fine with them not being invited - birthday parties are not my idea of fun. I'd don't think they'd mind either.

Stanley, why don't you just ask your DD to choose a few friends that she would like to spend time with - they may or may not be on your blacklist. I would go with her suggestions.

Sounds like the parties are for you. If you have started to question return invites .....maybe its time to stop having so many parties...

Good grief, I thought that as a teacher I had heard every possible act of twatishness surrounding children's birthday parties, but this one takes the cake (pardon the pun).

Just thinking over my classes over the last few years, I can think of damned good reasons why some children don't have parties: financial, parents with disabilities, siblings with special needs, parents who don't speak English, children who are in care. And those reasons are not always visible to everyone else. Can you really look a child in the face and say that you won't invite them because of something that isn't their fault?

How positively lovely OP that you can afford to have parties for your children every year, to the tune of £900.

Why not just spend that money on a massive party for yourself instead? As that is clearly what the kids ones are for......

Midnite I think the answer to your question us YES!

Actually OP, I think having read this again, you need to think about why you are holding parties.

You don't say that you throw parties for your DCs, you throw them for your friend and their DCs, so are you infact inviting the people you want at the party or are you inviting your DC's friends? Because I know a few people who throw children's parties when the guest list is really based on getting the grown ups together, and the children who's party it officially is don't end up having their actual school friends there, just the DCs of their parent's friends.

Perhaps what would be better is if you stopped inviting your social group's DCs but tell your DCs they can invite their friends from school/preschool if it's official a children's party, then arrange things separately for the adults. If there are adults amongst your friendship group who also go to other people's houses, parties, etc and never offer to host or arrange a night out, then that's a different issue.

YABVU

My son has been to lots of parties, but has never had one of his own. I am a single parent of 3 children, all of whom have birthdays in Nov/Dec, so I simply cannot afford it. I usually let him pick a friend to have round for tea instead.

I'd love to know how it is my sons fault that he can't have a £300 party to invite all of his friends too.

We have to distinguish between children who simply don't have parties and children who have parties but who don't invite your children.

I'd invite the first group but not the second.

In fact, I'd send cards to every child in the second group telling him or her to 'eff' off.

£900 for 3 parties - some people earn less than that in a month.

Fair play that you can afford it and its your perogative, I guess to only socialise with people who are in the same economic bracket but personally YABU socalising with people like you will make you even less aware of how not everyone is as financially blessed

Not everyone an afford parties for their DC's. If other people stopped inventing them because they hadn't had a party, my DC's would be missing out on yet another thing because they are poor.

I don't know if that had occurred to any of you?

Weird isnt it - most of the mums I know, who understand that some parents just cant afford to have parties and still invite their children, are probably what OP would call 'undesirables' and yet they display far more class.

i think that is the point that many of us were making couthy

Op where are you....?

Any party is about celebrating the person involved. In this instance a birthday. The idea is you invite people that person (if not yourself) loves. Attendees bring a gift to say they like or love the person in question.

Therefore, if every child brings a gift that is all that is expected.

No where is it written in social law that to hold a party means every person then reciprocates. However over a lifetime that might happen.

It's about life. Sharing. The future. Not just me this moment or today you money grabbing socially inept fool.

"there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable"

Actually I have just re-read this seriously you think this is OK? Fair enough if these children are unpleasant (my son once decided not to invite a friend to a party because the boy was pushing him around) but because they dont have parties...really you dont remember being at school and how downright hurtful this was?