To stop inviting children to parties when they have not had a party themselves

[PMDD]

I just read another thread about their son not being invited to a party. It has raised an interesting point that I am considering this year.

On the whole, I believe that if you have a large party where all the children or all of one sex at the party, that you invite the whole class and not leave one, two or three off the list. Especially when the children are in infants.

I really enjoy a celebration and hold parties for my friends and their children (and friends with no children) at Easter, Summer, Halloween and Christmas. My children have a party each birthday every year.

It costs a fortune but it is my choice to hold the parties. Each children's party costs around £300 to hold and my children are born in May, June and July so it is an expensive quarter.

However, over recent years fewer children are having parties or are only having a party for a handful of children at home or taking them bowling or to the cinema. My children may invite 20+ children to their party, but only get to attend less than 4 each year in return.

There are 2 boys who never invite my sons to their house/party, so I have decided this year to have the party but not invite the children that never invite my children. This will mean that in my friend's social group there will be 2 children who are not invited. I feel this is reasonable, but from reading the other thread, perhaps I'm not.

I think the main thing is inviting who your children want to be there regardless of whether they have been to the other child's party/house. Also, it is not he child's fault their parents won't host parties.

Surely your children have parties because THEY enjoy them? And they'd be less fun if there were far fewer children attending? Parties are SO expensive, and so few people can really afford that now. Either switch to far fewer children like everyone else does, or invite all of them. Leaving 2/3 out is mean. How is it their fault if their parents have less money than you?

I have to admit losing touch with a new-ish friend who held very frequent large parties, gatherings and nights out through the year. I just couldn't keep up and had no chance of reciprocating more than perhaps once a year, due to money, health, distance and not being anywhere near as extrovert as that. It also felt a bit like the parties were just about numbers and being "part of a big crowd" rather than wanting to see particular people. I knew I'd easily be replaced, so let the friendship fade.

I used to do whole class parties when my kids were younger - "relatively" cheap scout hut hire and traditional games kind of thing. As time's gone on, I can no longer afford to do that - partly because the expectations of older kids are different and partly because my financial circumstances have changed.

FWIW, even back in the day, my kids never received all the invites back some people on this thread (only a few thank goodness) think they should have been entitled to. But that was never the incentive for holding a party in the first place - rather, we'd decide what we could afford, what we wanted to do, and who the kids would like to come (e.g. all the boys, all the girls, or everyone - not leaving out a handful in an otherwise mass invite). Occasionally, my kids have expressed disappointment at not being invited to a particular party (not disappointment at the overall "lack" of invites) and it's been explained to them that there are multiple reasons why people have smaller parties, or indeed, no party at all.

Anyway - as I said, things are very different now and we usually celebrate birthdays with a modest trip out and just a couple of friends. When my kids get invites from people who we've not invited on those trips, we politely express our thanks and make the effort to choose a gift that the birthday child will hopefully like (doesn't mean expensive). That, IMO, should be "enough" of a reciprocation for an invitation. People who invite with the expectation of anything ..... gift and/or return invite are missing the whole point of hospitality. I've never not received a gift from any of my kids' birthday invitees but clearly some gifts have been less expensive than others ..... irrelevant really, it's the thought that counts, and I don't get into a flap about it working out how much per head I've spent on an invitee vs the cost of the present they've brought with them.

As for knowing 100% that people were having parties but never inviting your child ..... well, I'd feel put out if I knew for sure that my child was the only or almost only child out of a whole class not to be invited, but unless the birthday child was a known bully and some sort of point was being made, I wouldn't hold it against the child. I might suspect that perhaps the parent had taken against me for some reason - and I'd be angry that they'd chosen to use my child as a pawn in some sort of silly vendetta - but if I was having a large party, or, if my child particularly wanted that child at a smaller celebration, I'd still invite them and take the moral highground!

When you say two from his social group do you mean two of his friends? What if your DS wants to invite them? YABvvvvvU. I have parties for my DC every year. They do not cost £300. And I don't invite the whole class - they're not all his friends. How many my DC invite might depend on the venue, but typically it's 10 - 13 children. My DC choose who they want. And they are invited because they are my DC's friends and because celebrating with them is what makes my DC enjoy their birthdays - not because they throw the best parties in return or give the best presents or any other reason.

Yabu

I don't think it is a nice thing to teach your own children.

How will you explain it to them?

I can just imagine a situation where dc might say "mum says I can't invite you to my party as you have never invited me"

How sad for the uninvited guest :(

I would get your children to decide which friends they would like to invite. If they pick the two no party boys then invite them, if they don't pick them then don't invite them. I do encourage mine to include children who recently invited them as I think it's polite to return the invitation, but I wouldn't exclude someone my children wanted to include just because they hadn't had a party themselves.

well, I think over 150 YABUs should have let the OP know!

I am one of those evil mean tight parents who choose not to hold big parties for their children!

I admire those who do and can - more power to you - honestly

I don't mind if my dc are invited to all the class parties or not - I don't keep tabs - neither do they really. My 3 have a had one birthday party each where they have invited a group of classmates but not the whole class. I don't worry about what other parents may think. We usually have a family tea party and cake and we do a family day out. Ds birthday is Aug when generally people are on hols anyway - dd1 is in Easter hols so again it clashes - dd2 started school last year, she wanted a build a bear type party in a tiny shop - so I wasn't willing to shell out nearly a grand to invite all the kids (not that they could have fit in the venue!).

She has had more invites since starting school than she invited to her party but that is up to the parents - I get nice presents for the children when she goes to a party. I am not going to force myself to do what I cannot afford/ find a big stressy trial - to fulfill some unwritten contract I was not aware I had entered into.

You sound awful OP.

Bloody hell your getting a right old flaming OP.

I understand this being annoying, but surely in your circle you must hold for more parties than anyone else as I don't know anyone who would have so many in a year.

It's a tad mean of the boys mother to attend you parties but not ask your DC back to theirs, however, it's a lot more mean to leave them out of yours if they are the only 2 in your social circle.

You have set yourself up to be Mrs Party. If your strafing to begrudge this rein back, but is it not possible to do this in a less obvious way?

FWIW most kids I know quite quickly move on to smaller parties, bowling, cinema etc and these are smaller affairs.

YABVU The only people I stopped inviting were those who didn't rsvp or turn up. We never invite the whole class but about 1/3 of them for financial reasons. DC choose who they want. I don't care if the children don't have parties themselves. It is my choice to have one for DC.

YABU.

My son had a party every year until he turned 5, after that we stopped. We stopped because of the family politics, it turned nasty. I wont bother going into it but following that we took our ds away or big day out. So Should my ds not get invited to anything? Its not his fault. In fact this year he has asked for a party and while Im happy to do it, Im worried some parents won't allow their kids to go for the very same reason you posted. How hurtful would that be for a 7 yr old.

Its a bloody kids party, get over it.

My children invite who they want to their parties, they are usually given an idea of how many children they are allowed to invite

I think you are being unreasonable not to invite children because your "hospitality" has not been reciprocated, I will try and bear that in mind when I have friends round for coffee or treat them to cake at the cafe

Very unreasonable! As others have said, you're punishing little children (who won't understand), and possibly damaging your own child's friendships, to get at their parents (whose financial or other circumstances you don't really know). Perhaps they put on a brave front but have financial, marital or other problems that mean they can't stretch to a party. Perhaps the mum or dad has PND or depression or can't face holding a big party or perhaps they are in money troubles you don't know about or perhaps the children have SN you aren't aware of. Way to go to upset two small kids by singling them out (and just look at some of the threads on here about children being excluded from parties to see how devastating that can be for a child). Petty and mean IMO!

Is the party for you, or your children? Can't you just invite the people your child wants to be there and not worry about the reciprocal invitations??

you are paying too much for parties.

Whe did children's parties stop being fun and start being a popularity competition among parents?

I've never done whole class parties the most we have ever had was 15 from a class of 30 and three of our guests were not from school. All the ones I have taken DC to with more than that have been pretty horrendous and I can't say my DC have enjoyed them much, in fact they have on declined invitations for some of the bigger parties if they haven't been particularly good friends with the birthday child.

OP your children should choose who they want to come to their own parties not you. YABU and sound childish.

We spent 120 on the dt's party they were the only children from their nursery to go to this school I thought it would be a great way to meet parents and all the children we invited the whole of both classes hired a hall and bouncy castle played games and has food 48 children + a few siblings came I have found out there is a party for the next 4 weekend's from children on dt2 class he hasn't been invited too

dt1 generally gets invited to most of his classes party's but dt2 class is made up of predominantly kids that went to the same nursery only 4 children came from somewhere else

It's the parents choice obviously but I feel sad for dt2 and the other children who will never be ' accepted' onto this group of kids as the mums all stand together have play dates together :(

He has noticed he dosnt go to as many parties as his brother

This is why I hate hate HATE children's parties.

I hate the whole kid's party thing.
Stressful, expensive, playground politics, someone always left out, someone always sad as a consequence.

YABU. If you have a party then you invite the people whose company your child would like. That is what the whole point of a party not to wait for those invited to return the favour to you as a trade off.

IME whole class parties are normal while the kids are little and then tend to become smaller as they get older. But the situation you describe is different in that you appear to want to throw loads of parties a year anyway.

yeh me too i remember before i drove we were invited to a party on the other side of the by - pass which is nothing for people who drive, but meant we had to take a bus into town and out again, it was really expensive, all i could afford as a gift was some plastic toy soldiers. The next day or so the mother asked what gift we had brought so that her DS could send a thank you note, when i told her she repeated 'toy soldiers' in a really snotty voice and ofc there was no thank you note, and after that she just started looking down her nose at me and blanking me.
absolutely vile, (and she wore Juicy Couture trackies over her withered judgemental ass)

YABVU

How mean.

Have not read the thread but how mean?!

Its about who their friends are not whose parents can afford to and is organising parties for them.