To tell my daughters they are pretty?

[Sleepingugliness]

Do you believe, like me, that they will grow up thinking looks matter because thats the world we live in, and I'll be damned if i'm not going to try to protect them from all that hell and make them believe in their own beauty. Cameran diaz has written something on the subject and says we shouldnt tell young girls they are pretty because it reinforces the notion their worth is defined by their looks. I agree we should praise young girls for other stuff too but I know I will tell my daughters they are beautiful, not least because they absolutely are and always will be.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Who cares whether in one's opinion (carefully not saying "your opinion" in order not to inadvertently offend any poster) 80% of people are not beautiful! If a person feels someone else is beautiful, then they are beautiful. I may disagree. It's not important. What is important is that a person feels that they, themselves, are beautiful.

You don't need to feel like a supermodel. You need to have confidence in yourself. And knowing that someone sees positives in you helps you to believe in yourself, to have confidence in yourself, to feel beautiful.

I don't recall my parents ever telling me i was beautiful or pretty. It hasn't harmed my self esteem at all though as my self esteem is not tied to my appearance.

I always tell me DD that she is pretty (she really is, I do get a lot of comments as well, really not boasting).

I also tell her that she is clever etc as well.

I have grown up with low self esteem and hating my looks, I'll be dammed if my children will feel the same.

As an aside, what do you tell your sons? I don't like to say handsome. DS is very cute but at 6 he seems a bit old for that (and he doesn't seem to like it).

I tell them they are beautiful, that they are clever and kind and that I'm proud of them.

I want them to have confidence in their looks, I have never had any confidence in mine and I've found it crippling at times (coupled with depression, not just vanity alone).

I want them to know that it part of respecting yourself is to take care of yourself and that includes taking some care over your appearance.

I think that Beautiful means - you're lovely, whereas Pretty means - you look nice in a girly kind of way. I prefer beautiful, as not purely looks based or being a girl based. It's a general term of affection and appreciation, rather than being all about looks.

I've heard people chatting about their daughters a couple of times, saying "She's not very bright but that doesn't matter, as long as she's "girly" she'll be ok." and "She's pretty, and that's the main thing." You certainly wouldn't hear that about boys.

I tell my children that I think they look handsome / lovely etc. This is the absolute truth I really do think that. I also tell them that I love them just the way they are. I notice when they work hard, are considerate, say something funny etc. (I tend to praise effort rather than acheivement when it comes to school work etc. especially as they are dyslexic).

Most of all, I think that children do need to feel that there is someone in their corner who really believes in them and values them.

Most of all, I think that children do need to feel that there is someone in their corner who really believes in them and values them.

Yes. This sums it up more succinctly than I was able to.

I agree with panda - says it better than I can...

What children need is unconditional love. I'm not sure how constantly reaffirming to your children that they're beautiful fits with this.

There was a discussion about this on Woman's Hour today. Suzie Orback says its partly about praising them for other things as well such as intelligence and kindness and strength and not criticising them. But, she said it's more important that we as mothers are not critical of ourselves, always complaining about being overweight and needing to diet and basically showing unhappiness in the way we look.

Hombre, I know what you mean, but as society sets such high value on looks (conventionally attractive people even earn more than plain ones) it is quite a service to your child to let them know that in your eyes they are gorgeous. People who are confident about their looks are perceived to be far more attractive than those who aren't, even if they are no more beautiful objectively.

I tell my DSs they are handsome all the time. In my eyes they are, though I'm always secretly surprised and delighted if anyone else thinks so too.

I tell my DD she is beautiful for two reasons one because I think she is.
Two because I was bullied at school for being ugly (I'm not I'm average looking with a nice figure) any way right up until leaving 6th form I was told I was vile and they would my vomiting noises when I walked past, but I could cope because I knew it wasn't true because my mum and dad had always told me I was beautiful and they wouldn't lie to me.
Of course by the time I left 6th form I was still getting the vile comments and noises but I was going out with DH who did and still does tell me I am beautiful.

Looks like the next generation of girls will be over-confident princess wannabees who think the sun shines out of the (probably) average ass's! No-one likes a big head who is all "oh i'm so pretty" - I'm not saying not to say it, as you obviously think your child is pretty etc, but dont make them over-confident as i think this leads to an air of arragance later in life...and as lovely as they are to YOU, noone else will perceive them in the say way.

same way

Nothing wrong with that OP. I tell all my DC they are gorgeous, clever, smart, beautiful, whatever.

As others have said, the higher their self-esteem the better for the future.

I think you can tell your children they're beautiful without making them arrogant. They still have to live in the real world with other kids and popularity groups, boyfriends etc (which isn't always about looks as much as social standing when you're kids).

I think they key is, as previously mentioned, not comparing them to others but letting them know you think they're wonderful.

I don't understand how, even if you objectively knew your child wasn't beautiful, you wouldn't want them to know they are beautiful to you.

I agree with many, I prefer the term beautiful as it's more encompassing for me than mere prettiness.

I also think that it's important to give a balanced view, telling girls often that they are pretty can make them feel that this is their only or most important contribution to the world. A long as you also tell them that they're strong, clever etc then they won't think that looks are the most important thing about them.

I told my dd how pretty she looked the other day and she replied "thanks, but it's not what you look like that matters, it's what you're like inside and how you treat people." So proud of her!

We have some family friends who have 4 DDs and of course they are all different. One of them is always singled out as being "so pretty" and cute. Another is always 'complimented' on how tall she is and how she looks much older than she is.

I can't help thinking that this poor little love will grow up resentful of her 'pretty' little sister, seeing herself as someone 'big' and not cute. She is a gorgeous little girl (as they all are) and I really wish people would be more sensitive about things like that.

I know some people think it's ott to even question whether we should call our DDs pretty, but it can have such a long term impact that it really does need to be considered.

I do feel that you should be bolstering their confidence but you can go ott. My niece was being bullied and told me that this boy was only picking on her 'because I am so pretty' she was 5

I tell all of my children they are pretty/beautiful/handsome/gorgeous because to me they are and I hope they always know that. Being arrogant can be a bad thing but so can being under confident, I don't ever want them to think they are not worthy or have to 'settle' for less than they deserve. I know so many women who put up with awful men because they think that's all their worth and they'll never do any better

My DH tells me I am beautiful and gorgeous, I am not seriously I am absolutely not anyone's idea of attractive but he makes me feel loved and cherished and special and I know he means it because to him I really am beautiful

YANBU. If your mother doesn't tell you you are beautiful, then what hope would one have?
Praise them for their beauty and intelligence, their kindness and everytime they do the right thing and tell them off when they don't .

It doesn't matter if they are boys or girls.

Mine are little but I tell them they're pretty/handsome. I also tell them they're strong and clever.

I have found my daughter prancing in front of the mirror saying 'I look pretty mummy'. She will also compliment other people. We have never ever criticised someone's looks in front of her and I don't think she even knows what 'ugly' is.

My mother used to make loud comments on puppy fat and such like when I was younger, which did bash my confidence. I don't think I was ever told I was pretty. Fortunately I had compensations.

Cameron Diaz is full of nonsense, she's made a living from being beautiful!

And don't make comparisons between children: X is prettier, Y is more intelligent. Those comments really hurt any person and yet some mothers/fathers do that to their children.

One of my friends self harmed because she felt ugly compared to her sister (her mum used to tell her all the time how pretty was her sister and no comment about her).
Another one had bulimia because her mum used to compare her to her very slim sister (my friend had a more 'Salma Hayek' figure). She is still suffering the consequences of bulimia, but she has recovered.
It affects boys/men too. Had a friend who didn't think he was attractive at all, he used to say he was ugly. He wasn't. Low autoestime is not good for anyone.

Oh and completely agree with above poster that confidence is beautiful. So often you might notice something about someone when you first meet them - scars, squint, spots etc... but soon you don't even notice and the more the personality comes through. People who are confident often come over as much prettier than they really (objectively) are. As an example (sort of), I knew a girl with only 1 arm. I absolutely didn't notice until it was pointed out one day, after knowing her for ages. She was confident and very skilled and that's my mind image of her. Maybe I'm just not very observant.