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Original poster

To tell my daughters they are pretty?

160 replies

Sleepingugliness · 12/01/2014 19:32

Do you believe, like me, that they will grow up thinking looks matter because thats the world we live in, and I'll be damned if i'm not going to try to protect them from all that hell and make them believe in their own beauty. Cameran diaz has written something on the subject and says we shouldnt tell young girls they are pretty because it reinforces the notion their worth is defined by their looks. I agree we should praise young girls for other stuff too but I know I will tell my daughters they are beautiful, not least because they absolutely are and always will be.

OP posts:
BumPotato · 12/01/2014 20:19

Both my daughters are stunningly beautiful and I tell them all the time. I also make sure they know how bright and clever I think they are too...oh and how much I love them.

My own mother didn't arse herself to let her daughter know these things (and still won't) therefore I make it my business to make sure my daughters are in no doubt.

There is nothing wrong in praising your own children, and nieces/nephews etc.

astyinmyeye · 12/01/2014 20:19

I always tell my dds they are beautiful and clever, and funny (all true)..all my life I thought I was fugly because my mum always made jokes about my physic. She always gave me boys haircut as well.

Dromedary · 12/01/2014 20:22

I was an ordinary looking child, but I wouldn't say ugly. I still remember a relative coming to stay and going on about how beautiful, what a princess his daughter was. Then turning to my father and saying - but of course that's what all fathers say about their daughters. There was a silence, since my father had never and would never say anything of the kind about me.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 12/01/2014 20:23

I tell my sons they are beautiful. And kind, clever, funny, and all round wonderful and how proud I am of them.

They are. Every parent thinks their kids are amazing (if they dont, they should
,) and it is important for a childs self esteem to know their parents think they're fab.

of course you dont do it in a way that makes them feel they are superior to others, or can walk over others, that would be a bad thing. But it can never be bad to show your kids you think theyre great.

tilliebob · 12/01/2014 20:25

I tell all my children they are beautiful - although I don't tend to use the word pretty much, it reminds me of folk saying "Who's a pretty boy/girl/budgie then" to some pampered pet!

nickEcave · 12/01/2014 20:27

DD1 (7) is absolutely objectively beautiful and has been since she was a toddler. She has amazingly proportioned and beautiful features, large striking eyes with long lashes and glossy wavy hair. DD2 (4) is very cute looking but is quite simply not beautiful and it is unlikely that she ever will be. I struggle a bit with how things will pan out for both of them in a society which is so obsessed with how females look. I tell them both every day that they are gorgeous but I use this word to cover all aspects of them as people and I try to avoid ever using the word "pretty".

KingRollo · 12/01/2014 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChrisTheSheep · 12/01/2014 20:32

I tell DS he is beautiful (I think he is!), but also that he's funny, clever, kind, good etc. Looks aren't the be-all and end-all, but I agree that self-esteem can't be underrated.

Also, he does have the most amazing enormous dark grey eyes...

QueenofLouisiana · 12/01/2014 20:43

I often tell DS that he is gorgeous. I also tell him when he makes me smile, works hard, makes me proud and is a good friend......and when he is being an idiot!

Balance in all things, I reckon.

Slutbucket · 12/01/2014 21:40

I told my 2 year old that she was gorgeous and she replied no mummy I'm pretty. No self esteem issues round here then!

AngelsInWinter · 12/01/2014 21:53

I always tell my daughter she's pretty, beautiful, has lovely hair, smells nice etc ( she's 2!). Why?

My mum, if she wasn't ignoring me, never ever paid me compliments about how I looked. Still doesn't now. And she always used to point out my "bad" parts and say how disgusting I was. To this fucking day, I have seriously low self esteem, and get embarrassed about these "bad" parts. I've also been with mostly horrible guys who have reinforced that I'm crap and must be treated as such. My now DP is lovely but I always reject his compliments :(

So, OP, carry on as you are! :)

Rumbled45 · 12/01/2014 22:22

I tell my dd that she is beautiful and my princess every day. It may seem OTT but my dm never told me I was pretty/beautiful as a child. Yes, I knew she loved me but hearing those words may have made a difference. I had an absent df too which really did not help.

I had terrible self esteem as a teenager due to bullying. I felt worthless for most of my teenage years. I went on to sleep with guys date guys who treated me like utter crap. I was grateful anyone would give me the time of day.

I still struggle with liking myself to this day Sad

Debs75 · 12/01/2014 22:37

I tell my DDs(17, 5, 3) they are beautiful every day because they are the most beautiful things to me, as well as DS of course. I also say they are funny, daft, cheeky, naughty, pleasant, clever, happy and my pride and joys.

I don't think there is anything wrong with praising physical beauty at all. It is how you phrase it. If DD1 was arguing with her friend, again, I wouldn't say ' Well she is wrong because you are beautiful' If she failed an exam I wouldn't say 'it doesn't matter you are beautiful that is what counts' IF dd3 dropped her ice cream and wanted another I wouldn't buy her one and say 'you can have one because you are beautiful'
Do you see what I mean?

MoominsYonisAreScary · 12/01/2014 22:39

I tell my sons they are pretty

quirrelquarrel · 12/01/2014 22:41

KatyMac your daughter is gorgeous, seriously and you can tell her that!

well, side A might think, she's going to grow up having that as ONE of her main priorities and if we can avoid that, why aren't we? by example not atively praising someone for being pretty

side B might say that actually, you're doing them a favour by teaching them the way the world works. You might be narrowing their mind for the time being but they will nevertheless gain from it, and since they're pretty they'll be fine and probably get on in life without having too much guilt about judging negatively on looks (because they've never had to deal with it and many morals will be linked to a compassionate experience) or too many questions about why things are how they are. in the least offensive way possible.

BadgersNadgers · 12/01/2014 22:57

Having never been told I was pretty/beautiful/in any way attractive by either of my parents I can confirm that it really fucks with your self esteem. I was terrified that my children would look like me (especially as my parents delight in telling me that I was so ugly as a baby I made old ladies recoil). DS1 is gorgeous and looks like his Dad; DS2 looks like me and is just a doll. I can't have been that bad after all.

I tell them hourly how gorgeous, funny, clever and wonderful they are. And they really, really are perfect.

JohnCusacksWife · 12/01/2014 23:00

Would that be the Cameron Diaz who has no children and so can't possibly understand how gorgeous your own children appear to you (whether they actually are or not)?

I tell my 2 DDs that they are beautiful every single day but I mean on the inside as well as the outside. I was always (and still am) very self critical and I want to do everything I can to give them more self confidence than I have. I also tell them they are clever and funny and kind because they are.

quirrelquarrel · 12/01/2014 23:01

My parents and others have told me I'm pretty a lot of times BUT I just know for sure that they're saying that to boost my confidence, because I'm not pretty at all more the opposite, and I swear I'm not being all disingenous......

To be honest, I wish I was just a bit ignorant of it all and was a bit more confused about why exactly people seemed to spend so much emphasis on looks. But then beauty in general gives a lot of pleasure, so really? And chances are she'll find it out from the world around her anyway and she'll become intuitive about it despite your best efforts. I don't know. Interesting to think about.

TunipTheUnconquerable · 12/01/2014 23:06

Absolutely tell them they're pretty, but not too often.
I read recently about some research that showed that women who had been often told they were pretty as children grew up MORE insecure about their looks because they believed that physical appearance really mattered, whereas those for whom it never came up tended to end up more confident.
This makes sense to me - I am a lot less insecure about looks than almost every woman I know and while I remember my mum saying once or twice I was pretty, it certainly wasn't something she said every day.
Sorry I can't remember the details of the research - it would have been good to link it here.

quirrelquarrel · 12/01/2014 23:07

We do have to bear in mind though that >needing< to boost children's self esteem is really a pretty modern idea which a lot of people latched onto very quickly and has become accepted as the best way. It's not, necessarily. Who knows, maybe if we just didn't clue them in as much that there's a wide spectrum of attractiveness and that it's very important to be vaguely near the top of that spectrum (by constantly praising them so we can build up a self confidence shield which will serve them later on in life), maybe then putting a lot of energy into boosting every kid's efforts might not be very effective. By not telling them they're pretty, they won't necessarily think the opposite, rather the message they'll get is "my primary caregiver and one of my main carers think that looks aren't that important, hmm, I trust what she says so I'll give that some thought". We are pretty similar to our parents most of us.

SinisterSal · 12/01/2014 23:10

I agree Tunip.

a lot of the comments here from people whose parents openly criticised them are disgusting. There's a middle ground surely. Hard in today's world to help them internalise the message that it's nice to be goodlooking but it's only one good attribute in banquet of them.

willowstar · 12/01/2014 23:13

I tell my daughter and my son that they are beautiful because for me that is about being beautiful inside, not just pretty outside. I feel uneasy when my mum tells my daughter that she is such a pretty girl. The distinction is obvious to me but I realise not to a lot of other people.

Oblomov · 12/01/2014 23:14

Can we actually get back to the original question please.
All these comments about praising our children are irrelevant. Of course children should be praised.
But that isn't what Diaz or OP is talking about.
OP is talking about using the word pretty. And calling her daughters beautiful.
If they really are, then ok.
But not that many people are truely beautiful.
I can not support or agree to this. These mums are lying to their daughters. Whilst we all want them to have good self esteem, when they do infact realise that they are not actually beautiful , and that you have in fact LIED to them, how is that going to help? How is that good parenting?

SinisterSal · 12/01/2014 23:19

Oh God this is starting to remind me of the LYING TO KIDS ABOUT SANTA threads. they went well.

I don't think its any harm for a child to think that at least their mum thinks they are perfect in every way even if the kids in school have a different view.

It's probably best to pick out specific thigs about them, lovely eyes, great hair etc. But not too often and way down the list after hardworking, kind, good at maths, whatever.

Xmasbaby11 · 12/01/2014 23:22

I do and will continue to tell DD (2) she's beautiful, but I don't use it so much as other adjectives such as funny, strong and clever. Of course I truly believe she is beautiful, but whether she is or not is luck of genetics. Other qualities are far more important as she can develop those and these are the things that will help her have satisfying friends, relationships and work in her life.

It's very tempting to dress little girls in pretty clothes which I think encourages a focus on appearance / clothing. DD is very delicate looking, unlike me, and looks lovely in pretty dresses, but I don't do this often as she is a toddler and needs to run around getting mucky!