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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my daughters they are pretty?

160 replies

Sleepingugliness · 12/01/2014 19:32

Do you believe, like me, that they will grow up thinking looks matter because thats the world we live in, and I'll be damned if i'm not going to try to protect them from all that hell and make them believe in their own beauty. Cameran diaz has written something on the subject and says we shouldnt tell young girls they are pretty because it reinforces the notion their worth is defined by their looks. I agree we should praise young girls for other stuff too but I know I will tell my daughters they are beautiful, not least because they absolutely are and always will be.

OP posts:
quirrelquarrel · 12/01/2014 23:23

i think it's pretty relevant
yes the answer to the Q should centre on the nature of knowing that you're beautiful which means wider ramifications.....
but it connects back to the wider picture
and actually, I know very few people I couldn't call pretty in some way, and even if they're only a little bit pretty, why can't they still be told that? not a lie. Maybe I have crazy low standards who knows but I don't think that people calling their kids beautiful is 75% lies I mean really.

well, since you said please.....

quirrelquarrel · 12/01/2014 23:25
  • focusing on wider ramifications
WhenWhyWhere · 12/01/2014 23:26

You can't win with this.

If you tell them they are beautiful you are telling them that beauty matters.

If you don't tell them they are beautiful then they will think you are a mean Mum
Goodness know what happens if you have an unattractive DD Shock do you lie? Tell her that she has nice eyes? Hmm.

There is no satisfactory way of dealing with this Sad

My DDs are in their late teens and I have always told them they are beautiful but I make the biggest fuss about them being lovely thoughtful strong women.

My DM and my mil both still tell me that I am beautiful and I still like to hear it even if I am not sure it's true

GlitzAndGiggles · 12/01/2014 23:38

I tell my daughter she's beautiful all the time. I'm shocked I produced such a beauty! I don't recall my parents ever telling me this but think it would've boosted my self esteem. When my dd is old enough to understand better, i'll explain that different people are also beautiful in different ways

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/01/2014 23:44

Apparently, I'm not bad looking. I'm not a drop-dead beauty, but I'm quite attractive - I have lovely hair in particular, apparently. I've never had any shortage of admirers.

My mother never told me I was pretty or beautiful - in fact on several occasions she told me I was "not pretty enough." Which hurt and seriously damaged my self esteem. On the other hand - she was an ardent feminist in some ways - who genuinely believes that looks don't matter and gave me the sort of self esteem in life/relationships that really matters.

I'm stuck on this one. I don't want my dd or my ds to think their inherent worth is linked to the way they look at all - but I do want them to feel that I think they're perfect and gorgeous in every way, and to feel confident int he way they look. (which I never did).

So I tell all my children that they're beautiful all the time. And that beauty comes from within, because it does.

pandarific · 12/01/2014 23:49

I'm going to show mine this:

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 12/01/2014 23:59

God yes, pandarific. That is brilliant. I really struggle with this.

BuntyCollocks · 13/01/2014 05:00

I tell my children on a daily basis that they are gorgeous, clever little cookies.

My dd generally gets gorgeous girl, or pretty princess, my ds is my beautiful boy. I tried to tell him he was handsome, and got firmly told, "NO, I AM PLETTY" (not quite 3 and doesn't have his r's - v cute!)

So, YANBU. As long as you're also complimenting their intelligence, and other qualities, and not solely the fact they are gorgeous wee cherubs, what's the harm?

echt · 13/01/2014 06:00

My parents, during my teens, fairly consistently told me I looked pretty.
They never compared me to anyone else, e.g. friends or celebrities. I think this is important: it was me. This insight did not occur to me until later in life, and when I had a child of my own.

I always had confidence I looked good, though my looks weren't conventional. I looked younger than my years for a long time. Truth to tell, I struggle with the loss of youthfulness nearing 60. Meh. Deal with it.

BohemianGirl · 13/01/2014 06:14

Cameran diaz has written something on the subject and says we shouldnt tell young girls they are pretty because it reinforces the notion their worth is defined by their looks.

Probably covered already but ..... Cameron Diaz = very pretty lady, so it's ok for her to say looks dont matter when she is in an industry where looks do matter. Now if Susan Boyle (Sorry Su) came along and told us the same we'd laugh at her because she doesnt conform to society ideals of prettiness.

I don't think I've every met anyone who didn't have some form of beauty - it may not be a society ideal of aesthetics but most people have a tangible pretty thing - a smile, beautiful eye, luxuriant hair and so forth.

So Cameron Diaz can take he non important prettiness and think that right through again

MummyPig24 · 13/01/2014 06:32

I tell my son and daughter that they are beautiful, pretty, handsome, gorgeous, clever, kind, wonderful, thoughtful, funny, generous. I tell them these things every day.

There is no harm in building their self esteem.

Bunbaker · 13/01/2014 06:36

"I'll say stuff like 'that colour suits you.' Or 'your hair looks good like that.'
But not anything more than that."

My mum did that and I grew up really self conscious about the way I looked. She also said that I was attractive, not pretty. It damaged my self esteem immeasurably.

JapaneseMargaret · 13/01/2014 08:06

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everyone knows this, surely.

When a mother tells her child s/he is beautiful, she (the mother) absolutely believes it, and means it utterly sincerely.

It doesn't matter whether or not a child is objectively beautiful if they are, in fact, beautiful to the person making the comment. If it is said with sincerity, that is all that matters. If a child grows up and comes to learn that perhaps they are not really all that beautiful, but that their mother and father thought they were ... are they really going to be harmed by that?

Hardly.

Especially if their parents also compliment them in other areas.

My parents told me I was pretty/beautiful/attractive, but not all the time. When the did say it, they always said it sincerely, and they were very good at passing on compliments from other people as well. I'm a feminist and I fully understnd the difficulties associated with effectively telling girls their looks are Important. However, I also know how it felt/feels to be told sincerely that I was/am attractive, and it's a lovely feeling.

I don't overload my DD nor my DS. But I do tell them they're beautiful when the need arises. Because, quite simply, they are to me.

firesidechat · 13/01/2014 09:01

I called my children beautiful all the time, but never pretty.

The problem with pretty is that it is very much about external attractiveness, whereas calling someone beautiful is as much about what is on the inside, as what they look like.

In a purely physical sense my children were fairly plain babies, lovely children and beautiful adults. At no stage were they ever less than beautiful to me.

Pretty is a slightly twee word too.

Seff · 13/01/2014 09:31

Beautiful according to who?

I had a conversation with my 3 year old daughter. She pulled her bobbles out (has very little hair anyway) and then got upset because "I'm not beautiful any more" :(

Of course, I told her she is always beautiful, no matter what. I also make a point of telling her she looks great when she's wearing jeans and a t-shirt, not just when she's in a dress. I also tell her everyone is beautiful. Not everybody has the same idea of what beauty is.

And I'm a bit Shock at people saying "but what if they're not pretty" I'm really beginning to despair at society.

Crowler · 13/01/2014 09:34

Yes, seriously. I think it's good to have some objective views on your child but all the same it's a bit fucked up if you don't think your child is beautiful.

You don't have to be a supermodel to be beautiful. I think it's time to reclaim beautiful from the likes of Miranda Kerr who is deeply irritating me at the moment for some reason.

Notaddictedtosugar · 13/01/2014 09:36

Please tell them they are pretty. My Mum believed in being brutally honest when I was a child, and it did nothing for my confidence. I still remember as a young child being told, I was OK looking, but not really pretty. It was true, but even young children know their Mum's are meant to be biased, so at the time I thought if Mum thinks I am OK looking I must be hideously ugly. It took me until my 30's to realise that actually I am not as hideous as all that.

Crowler · 13/01/2014 09:40

Seriously. What exactly is the problem with a young girl growing up thinking she's beautiful when in fact she is objectively not?

I can't see the problem.

BackforGood · 13/01/2014 09:45

I have always told all my dc how gorgeous they are - including ds.

Good post by Bohemian ^ - Cameron Diaz, whose whole career is based on the fact she is a very, very pretty girl, is in a slightly different position to be writing such an article than most folk.

rockybalboa · 13/01/2014 09:47

I tell my sons they are beautiful, because they are!!

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 13/01/2014 09:50

What is wrong with you, really ? You need Cameron Diaz advice, I don't! I tell all my daughters they are beautiful, pretty, funny, clever, kind. Because they are.

Thetallesttower · 13/01/2014 09:53

Crowler I think the problem is that children are quite clever, and they know if their parents are claiming they are beautiful when in fact they don't feel it- it creates internal dissonance.

I didn't feel pretty or beautiful as a child, even though my mum and grandmother exclaimed that I was all the time. I knew this because less boys fancied me than other girls and because I didn't look like conventional good-looking children. I wasn't stupid and all the declarations of 'but you are gorgeous' didn't change the fact I was (and am) a middling slightly plain person who looks great if they make an effort.

Despite this, I do tell my children they are gorgeous to me, but we also discuss looks realistically. One of my children has something which detracts from her appearance- are we better to discuss this realistically as we do and how she feels about it, or just exclaim 'no-one will notice, you are gorgeous'. We discuss what she has got going for her, which is lots of lovely other features, great accomplishments, a lovely nature. But I don't see the point for her or us in pretending this problem isn't there.

Finally, inner radiance and a lovely personality does shine through even people who are not conventionally attractive and I would teach mine to look for that as much as superficial good-looks which are just a luck thing.

enderwoman · 13/01/2014 09:53

You should do what comes naturally.

I tell my daughter she is pretty as often as I compliment my sons looks. They are also funny, clever, kind, brilliant.....

Crowler · 13/01/2014 10:01

Tallesttower, I hardly think you're alone in being told by your parents that you're beautiful when you're not - obviously people are not on balance beautiful and most parents tell their children they're beautiful.

I don't know if your parents were peddling this in some kind of strange way, like "tallesttower seriously you are so beautiful! I mean seriously! You look like XYZ famous beautiful person!" or something more along the lines of "you beautiful smart girl, go and knock em' dead!!"?

Thetallesttower · 13/01/2014 10:10

My family were a bit prone to exaggeration, and it was slightly odd! Especially as a teen, I used to just think 'oh god there's mum going on' and feel very ugly. It doesn't insulate you against insecurity about your looks at all, although I take the point at least you feel you have one person on your side in life.

I think the point I was trying to make was that saying your children are beautiful a lot or going on about looks I do think just reinforces the idea that looks are very important.

In the past, people didn't go on about looks as much in their children, it was considered a matter of luck and if you read Jane Austen there was often a 'prettier' sister and everyone just accepted their own looks may not be all that. More important qualities in a wife would to be a hard-worker if you were lower down the scale, and wealthy and well-connected higher up. In that value system, looks were an added extra but not the main event.

We now gush over our children's looks, but to what effect- if you look at rates of psychological distress, self-harm, teenage angst particularly amongst young women, they are higher than ever. I'm not saying it's causal, more that in a world obsessed by looks, it's easy to fall into that yourself and not provide any counter-messages to this.

And- people say, well I tell my dd's they are clever, brilliant etc. but all the research shows that girl babies are praised for looks and boy babies for strength and doing things.