I feel sick at the thought of this hen party

[KittyLane1]

I'm due to go to a hen party next month. Bride is the fiance of DHS close friend. She has turned from a really nice person to major bridezilla this has resulted in her arranging the wedding to suit her family/friends entirely and left his out, as a result, DH and I are evening only guests and since that means traveling from nearly London to Edinburgh, we are going to have to decline.

The main problem is the hen party. She is an older first time bride and nearly 15 years older than me. Her hen party is a sit down meal and old school disco in fancy dress, mainly attended by her family and a few friends. Sorry I'm rambling, here's the thing, she has invited DHS ex, the ex he cheated on me with when dd was 3 months old, the ex who bragged about it (god knows why) to all mutual friends, the ex who nearly broke up my marriage.

Dh said he would put me in a nice spa hotel to male a real weekend of it but when I mentioned his ex he got huffy and retreated to the man cave. It's still a sore point for us.

So am I unreasonable for not wanting to attend a hen party dressed as tinkerbell, face his ex and not even get invited to the wedding? I don't want to piss off the bride bit I don't want to spend all night miserable and avoiding the ex.

[JapaneseMargaret]

How n earth do you get past an infidelity, put it in the past and move on with a solid relationship, when your DH denies it ever happened....?

I don't even understand how that work....

[KatOD]

I'm a little confused about 1 thing... Your DH has denied the cheating, the "OW" also denied it when she ended up with someone else. How incriminating was the evidence on his phone? Cast iron? One explanation for your husband behaving like this would be that he was telling the truth... (Happy to point out that he's being an idiot if there really is no doubt he cheated though).

Anyway, if you wouldn't feel comfortable don't go, just because your DH and the groom are mates doesn't mean you have to be matey with the bride. Who's the best man for the wedding? Did the groom at least get to choose that?! Sounds awful...

[pigletmania]

That's good op, you do have the option nit to go. It does not sound like you know the bride that well, for that alone I would not go,?let alone the other things.

[KittyLane1]

Couple of points:

DH foes not deny that he met up with his ex, he does not deny that she was in the house. He told me they hung out after she said she had a present for dd however I am yet to see a present. He denied anything inappropriate happening. She told friends that she had sex with my dh in our bed and that they also kissed in our car. She bragged about it and how he still used tricks she taught him. If this is true it means she also cheated on her boyfriend, when someone told her boyfriend she denied it. That is how both have ended up denying it.
I don't remember the texts word for word but they were suggestive, the last text was him asking when he could go round to her house.

The groom was allowed to pick his own best man and family name dictates his choice of kilt. That is all. He has had no say in venue, food, guests etc. Bride also gave him a list of "suggested" stag do's.

Bridezilla has not text back yet

[Crowler]

He told me they hung out after she said she had a present for dd however I am yet to see a present.

Maybe I've seen too much Law & Order, but this for me would be a problem. Has he been able to tell you what the present is, if not show you?

[JapaneseMargaret]

So even though you know/believe he had sex with her, you're just accepting his lies?

That can't be easy.

[pigletmania]

My goodness, the fact your h still Denys it despite the evidence, would be a deal breaker. Bridezilla sounds bloody awful, someone one should rein her in, she needs a leash preformed she gets out of hand. Good on you, you know you would not have a good time, with fancy piece there and bride sills sounds like a bundle of fun.

[pigletmania]

Bridezilla I meant

[KatOD]

Can completely see why you don't want to go.

[Chottie]

I would not go to the wedding evening do or the hen party. Good luck I really hope this works out for you.

[Inertia]

The stress of going isn't worth it. If bride or other friends complain , you could say that the Ex has form for making totally inappropriate comments about your husband ; you wanted to avoid possible upset for the bride so you are bowing out gracefully so as not to spoil the bride's evening. This makes you look like the dignified person in this horrid situation.

Tell your husband the same thing if he moans , and remind him that it's his conduct that led to this in the first place. Don't be bullied into submission. (He wouldn't be the first cheating man to get some kind of thrill frpm the thought of his wife and OW 'competing' for him. )

[superstarheartbreaker]

You're eh sounds like a prick. I'd get rid tbh.

[willyoulistentome]

Wild horses could not drag me there if I were in your shoes. Your DH I is a past if he can't see your point.

[SapphireMoon]

Make sure you stick to your guns op and try not to get involved with any silliness from Bride, friends or dh.
You are not going as have other plans [washing hair, cutting your toe nails etc]. You don't need to say why, none of anyones business.

[Nombrechanger]

Life's too short to put yourself in situations that you can't find any reason to be in. It sounds awful.

[superstarheartbreaker]

this whole circle of people sounds like a nightmare op. The problem with not resolving the alleged affair debacle is that there will be more similar events that cause you pain. Gave you considered counselling re the affair. I think that the man cave is an excuse not to be honest and open about the relationship...and a sign of guilt.

[Nombrechanger]

Christ, I just noticed your other post, OP.
This is also an awful situation to be in. Like I said, life's too short and you're worth much more than that.
The hen do would be the least of my troubles.

[Mouthfulofquiz]

That sounds like the worst weekend ever. Don't go.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

I'm glad you decided not to go op.

I'm so sorry that your h put you in this situation. He sounds like a twat.

[Lilacroses]

Thank god op! When I read the op I was astonished that you would even think of putting yourself through that!

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

So you've had these past three years of pain knowing that your dh cheated yet feeling unable to do anything about it?
:(
How are things between you now?

[SauceForTheGander]

Kitty - I wouldn't go just because of the wanky fancy dress let alone all the other reasons.

One of the fantastic things about hitting 40 is that I do not give flying fuck about what people (non friends / family) think of me. I absolutely feel no guilt over saying "you know what I can't make it, hope it goes well but I'm sure you understand it's your special night and there's too much unresolved between me and ex. I'd hate for that to hang over your important night" and then do not budge or concede anything. As for your DH. Well words fail me.

They have all shown a casual disregard for you. You DH, the ex, the Bride.

Do not sweat over this. Spas are shit, fancy dress is grim and the Ex, Bridezilla are welcome to get drunk and applaud themselves without you as an audience.

I'm guessing this has dragged up a lot of issues. I'm sorry for that.

[Ruprekt]

Sauce....I agree with you!

I was not going when I read the fancy dress bit!

Ugh! Anyone over 15 in fancy dress is just wrong!

I too, do not care what others think and do not do things to placate others.

Am glad you said No.

Stay strong and do not be swayed ((and possibly get rid of your very unsupportive Husband))

[YouTheCat]

I don't see why you'd bother going anyway. I'd give the 'happy couple' about 2 years before it all goes tits up.

This ex/ow sounds nasty and I can't see why she was invited.

[SauceForTheGander]

I am also normally in the camp you said yes you can't bail. But with plat try if notice and valid reasons you have nothing to feel awkward about.

And if DH is smarting over deposit money tell him to start a thread in AIBU - we're here to help with these life quandaries