I feel sick at the thought of this hen party

[KittyLane1]

I'm due to go to a hen party next month. Bride is the fiance of DHS close friend. She has turned from a really nice person to major bridezilla this has resulted in her arranging the wedding to suit her family/friends entirely and left his out, as a result, DH and I are evening only guests and since that means traveling from nearly London to Edinburgh, we are going to have to decline.

The main problem is the hen party. She is an older first time bride and nearly 15 years older than me. Her hen party is a sit down meal and old school disco in fancy dress, mainly attended by her family and a few friends. Sorry I'm rambling, here's the thing, she has invited DHS ex, the ex he cheated on me with when dd was 3 months old, the ex who bragged about it (god knows why) to all mutual friends, the ex who nearly broke up my marriage.

Dh said he would put me in a nice spa hotel to male a real weekend of it but when I mentioned his ex he got huffy and retreated to the man cave. It's still a sore point for us.

So am I unreasonable for not wanting to attend a hen party dressed as tinkerbell, face his ex and not even get invited to the wedding? I don't want to piss off the bride bit I don't want to spend all night miserable and avoiding the ex.

[Logg1e]

OP, I don't want to give her the power of knowing I didn't go because she was there

Your husband should be "dragging it up". He should have made it very, very clear to you how he intends to behave in order to present a united front, and not leave you feeling uncomfortable or out of your depth for a second whilst there's a chance you both might be in the same company as her.

[JabberJabberJay]

Honestly OP don't go. It doesn't sound like you really want to and she's not a close friend of yours.

Who gives a stuff if the bride throws a strop?

Likewise, who cares if the OW gets the 'satisfaction' of thinking you pulled out because of her?

I would make an excuse and not go. Your DH should be backing you up on this.

[Crowler]

Your husband is upset that you don't want to spend a weekend with the woman who had sex with your ex-husband?

[HamletsSister]

Spend the money on doing something you will enjoy with people you care about.

[wobblyweebles]

I don't really understand what your husband wants you to do?

Does he want you to go even though the OW will be there? Or does he want you to not go because she will be there?

It sounds like whatever you do he will be pissed off?

[ImperialBlether]

No, Crowler, her husband was the one who slept with the woman! The OP "keeps dragging it up."

[givemeaclue]

Change spa to a different weekend. Do not go to hen party

[MrFMercury]

I agree with givemeaclue and don't apologise to your husband or the bride. Neither can see how unreasonable they are being and don't let them bully you into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.

[stephenisjustcoming]

Jeez, don't go. How much would you pay not to have to go through a weekend of stress, plus the time worrying about it beforehand? I bet it's the same or more as whatever deposit you'd lose.

I don't think you need worry about what 'message' it sends out to anyone, but if it did send a message to the other woman, it's that you'd rather lose a deposit than spend one second in her company. That doesn't mean you're cowed or scared, just discerning.

[rookiemater]

Don't go. Yes you will lose money on the deposit, but better that than throwing good money after bad to attend what sounds like a fairly crap party, in the company of someone that you hate for good reason.

[CoffeeTea103]

Definitely don't go op! Your DH has no leg to stand on telling you what to do in this situation. How dare he expect you to put up with the ex, and you being upset.
I would give it a miss seriously. You do not owe them anything. And if the bride was an understanding person she would accept you not attending.

[NoelOfLorst]

Don't go, let the bride make a fuss. Why does she even want you there anyway**it doesn't sound like she's especially friendly with you, or particularly fussed about your feelings

**(no offence meant to you btw, I'm sure you're lovely!)

[pigletmania]

Your h should be respecting and supporting your decision not to to go, not making you feel guilty about not going as his fancy piece was there and you are 'dragging it up' so to speak, he should not make you do something that you don't want to do. Stuff him and the deposit. He should be grovelling to you.

[Topaz25]

You're not going to the wedding, you don't have to go to the hen party. I disagree with the advice to invent an emergency or illness to drop out at the last minute though. A former friend of mine was a no show at my hen party and lied about why. Dropping out at the last minute is rude when people have made arrangements. You've got plenty of time to tell the bride in advance that unfortunately you can't make the hen party. You don't have to tell her why or mention the OW if that would make you uncomfortable. Your DH should be more supportive.

[pigletmania]

I would think long and hard about your h, still denies cheating despite evidence, and disrespecting you and your feelings about the hen night where his but on the side will attend. Making you feel lousy if you ding go as you will be thought to be 'dragging it up'. You need to be assertive and not stand for such rubbish.

[diddl]

So the bride of a wedding that you are going to will make a fuss-so what?

Your husband will make a fuss if you don't go-why??

Why does he care if you go ot´r not?

Does he want you there because the OW will be?

If so-why??

To show that you can face her/have forgiven him??

Tell him to fuck off permanently

[dontcallmemam]

Why would you go a Hen party if you're not invited to the proper wedding?
Have you got to go all the way from London to Edinburgh too?
I would politely decline.You don't need to give a reason, do it formally in the 3rd person.

[Crowler]

I'm really confused.
Who is coming to the hen party that's upsetting to you?

[McFox]

God no, don't go! She'll be too busy with her best mates and family to give you the time of day anyway, so save yourself the trauma and decline.

[rookiemater]

You don't have to give the reason that you are declining, in fact I would go out of my way to ensure that you don't.

The bride to be is entitled to ask who she wants to the hen do and if there was no confirmed affair, then it wasn't an etiquette faux pas on her behalf to ask this other woman.

I would just say that something has cropped up and you can't make it. DH can't be that close to the groom to be if you didn't even get a full days invite.

[justmyview]

I think YABU for criticising the plans for the hen night & wedding. Bride & groom can't suit everyone's preferences. If they want a small wedding, that's their choice. Wherever they hold the wedding, it'll be inconvenient for some people.

YANBU for not wanting to go to the hen night. I'm a little confused about that - why does your DH even care if you go or not? Why is it such a big deal for him either way?

[Topaz25]

Crowler As far as I can work out the OP's husband had an affair with his ex. (but denies it). It's the OW who is coming to the hen party.

[PavlovtheCat]

you said your DH will pay for you to stay in a spa hotel to make the most of it. Why not tell him you will take him up on that offer, but somewhere else, and you will do that instead of going to the hen do, very nice of him to offer thanks very much.

Do Not Go.

[clam]

Why does your dh care either way if you go to the hen do? You're an adult - if you don't want to go, don't go. You don't even have to explain why not, if you choose not to - or if it gives him another reason to have a go at you for "bringing all that up again."

Although that there ^^ is your problem - that he wants you to STFU about his fling. 3 years/3 decades, if you're not allowed to talk it out, of course it will still be festering. He should be walking on hot coals to help you deal with this, not insisting you spend the weekend with the OW.

[waltermittymissus]

Don't go.

Book a spa weekend elsewhere.

Your husband is a prick.