I feel sick at the thought of this hen party

[KittyLane1]

I'm due to go to a hen party next month. Bride is the fiance of DHS close friend. She has turned from a really nice person to major bridezilla this has resulted in her arranging the wedding to suit her family/friends entirely and left his out, as a result, DH and I are evening only guests and since that means traveling from nearly London to Edinburgh, we are going to have to decline.

The main problem is the hen party. She is an older first time bride and nearly 15 years older than me. Her hen party is a sit down meal and old school disco in fancy dress, mainly attended by her family and a few friends. Sorry I'm rambling, here's the thing, she has invited DHS ex, the ex he cheated on me with when dd was 3 months old, the ex who bragged about it (god knows why) to all mutual friends, the ex who nearly broke up my marriage.

Dh said he would put me in a nice spa hotel to male a real weekend of it but when I mentioned his ex he got huffy and retreated to the man cave. It's still a sore point for us.

So am I unreasonable for not wanting to attend a hen party dressed as tinkerbell, face his ex and not even get invited to the wedding? I don't want to piss off the bride bit I don't want to spend all night miserable and avoiding the ex.

[WeAreDetective]

Op.. Even if, lets just say, your DH didn't sleep with her...why would you want to be anywhere near a woman who would 'brag' about sleeping with him??

Seems to me you owe none of them anything! Do what makes you feel comfortable. You are entitled to 'make a fuss' if that means not wasting anymore of your money in the company of this complete cow bag.

[TimeToPassGo]

Don't go. What was the deposit for? Is it something you can rearrange for your own benefit? E.g. a spa weekend on a different weekend.

Your DH sounds like a twat by the way.

[KittyLane1]

As I have said DH is very close to the groom, friends since toddlers. Bride has chosen everything for the wedding from the colours to the food, even the ushers. Groom told dh this himself. Bride chose to invite her family and very few of the grooms friends. That is why we are evening only.

I accepted last July because I wanted to go, only found out this afternoon that ex is going, I found out via Facebook.

I'm waivering because my RL friends are all pushing me to go and not "let her win" I'm feeling pulled in all directions and very sensitive :(

[WeAreDetective]

Sounds to me like you are far too wrapped up in making sure everyone else is placated. Look after yourself first.

[rookiemater]

Kittylane1 - I certainly don't think you should say to the bride to be that you aren't going to the hen do because of who she has invited, she should not be expected to know all the ins and outs of the private lives of her guests.

I think you should just say that you are unable to go because something has cropped up, invent something if you must. Personally I'd just email or text her rather than phoning and say that you can't make it and offer your apologies.

[Viviennemary]

If you can't face the thought of going make an excuse. You are on holiday, visiting a relative. Anything. But don't go if you are dreading it.

[WeAreDetective]

Come down with a stomach upset/cold/flu....

[diddl]

Who else will be there?

Others that you would enjoy a night out with even if she is there?

If not, then don't bother.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

If I were in your shoes I'd decline. I'd probably try and find a new circle of friends too.

The groom sounds like a drip - moaning behind the back of his future wife and his lack of input into his own wedding.

The ex - either finding it hysterically funny to lie about something that could rock the foundations of someone else's private life, or happy to shag a married man.

Your DH - shouldn't he have confronted her publicly if he was completely innocent? And if he wasn't then he just has to live with it if you all circulate in the same claustrophobic group.

The bride - everyone seems afraid to upset her regarding everything to do with her wedding, yet she's supposed to be a mature adult.

And all for a wedding you're not really welcome at, even though your DH is one of his longest mates.

I just wouldn't have the energy to be bothered with it all.

[MerylStrop]

Why would not going be letting anyone "win"?

Being evening only guests absolves you from any expectation that you might attend the hell do

Don't put yourself through it!

(tbh fancy dress alone is reason enough to decline)

[MerylStrop]

You don't need to explain your reasons for declining, anyone with a shred of sense would understand why its not a great idea for you to go, but there is no need for anyone to discuss it.

Just be ill or realise that it clashes with something unavoidable. And your DH would be well advised to be supportive of this as of anyone he should be the last person to want you hurt by this situation.

[Sallyingforth]

As I have said DH is very close to the groom, friends since toddlers.
and yet he's not invited to the wedding - only the evening.

I'm surprised that he wants anything to do with it, after such a calculated insult. Has he any balls?

[alphabook]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I am amazed your relationship has managed to recover when you believe your husband cheated on you, he has never admitted it and you have never resolved this.

I wouldn't go. I would be honest and tell the bride that you are very sorry but after finding out she will be there you don't feel comfortable spending time with a woman who bragged about sleeping with your husband while you were together. You are not "dragging it up" like your "d"H is suggesting, you are just not putting yourself in a potentially very awkward and miserable situation. And I don't see why she would care that much about you not being there considering she obviously doesn't value the two of you enough to invite you to the actual wedding ceremony.

[CynicalandSmug]

You are really overthinking this! Just don't go, and stop thinking about it. Why on earth get stressed about a daft night out????

[KittyLane1]

cynical your right. Thanks everyone, I'm not going to go. I'll text bridezilla tonight simply saying I won't be attending

[Objection]

Don't go. work out how much money you be spending and go out and treat yourself instead (with DH? or friends)

(or you could just save the cash but that would be dull )

[Merel]

Wild horses couldn't drag me to this event! I wouldn't even bother making up an excuse it's that laughable. Did you accept before finding out the 'OW' was going?

[Hissy]

Good for you! Cancel the hen thing, cancel the wedding.

She'd invite the ExP/OW to that too I presume?

Just back out of the lot. Doesn't sound like that marriage'll last anyway.

Tell the groom you'll come to his and his next wife's wedding!

[mumnosbest]

She isn't your friend. She isn't DHs friend. She hasn't invited you to the wedding. You don't want to go and it's miles away so why did she invite you and why would you think about going. I would also turf DH out of his man cave, tell him you don't want to spend the evening with the tart that woman and let him explain to his friend and bridezilla if need be.

[mumnosbest]

Just read the other posts. Well done kitty

[WeAreDetective]

Glad to hear it!!

[maras2]

Good woman yerself.

[AndHarry]

I wouldn't go. The stress and upset leading up to it would far outweigh any fun I might have on the night. If you've already paid a deposit then it's a wrench to write it off but why spend more money on something you don't fancy?

It sounds as though you might still want to go though, in which case I would get my mates together and make it part of a whole weekend where you have a great time and can leave the evening do after an hour without making too much of a dent in the fun.

[Logg1e]

Great contribution AndHarry

[DontmindifIdo]

Good decision, btw, if the bride gets difficult, you are allowed to lie and say it clashes, I'd be temped to say you've been invited to the evening do of a friends wedding... Tell DH he can back you up or you'll say that you aren't going because his xp will be there, which wouldhe prefer?