To find this thoughtless at best and cruel at worst.

[Onelittlebugbear]

My friend is pregnant with her dc3. She knows we are about to begin Ivf in the next couple of weeks. I know loads of pregnant people at the moment and generally I'm pretty good at faking happiness and then coming home and crying.

She text me to ask me what she should name her bump. Along with a list of possible cutesy bump names because she and he dh were having a vote. I'm afraid to say it set me off crying again.

Aibu to think this is hopelessly insensitive? I can't imagine ever having a vote outside of myself and dh as to what to name our bump, and I definitely can't imagine texting a friend I knew had fertility problems to ask.

Why are people so thoughtless? Why? I know I sound horrible but I'm really struggling at the moment.

She is being very insensitive to the point of weirdness! I've never heard of someone deliberately naming their bump (rather than a natural nickname occurring), but asking friends is taking it to a new level of self-centredness & asking a friend undergoing IVF is frankly sick. And it's her 3rd DC, yes she is still excited but why does she think anyone else is?

I think you have been too worried about not raining on other people's pregnancy parades, so they've forgotten about your feelings. Stop being so brave. Also, I found other people's pregnancies harder to cope with because that's what I wanted, babies were easier because I wanted MY baby not theirs.

Good luck with the IVF, keep trying and you'll get there eventually.

My bump name suggestions for her would be Insensitive and Naff.

Good luck with IVF, there are plenty of support threads on Mumsnet for those going through IVF, so feel free to come and join one of them if you need a bit of extra support.

What a bloody idiot. This also suggests she may be a disgustingly twee and irritating person when her 'bump' arrives. I vote you should bin her.
As an IVF survivor, I say very best of luck OP, I wish you well.

" This also suggests she may be a disgustingly twee and irritating person when her 'bump' arrives. "

It's her fourth baby and if the OP does count her as a friend then I'm sure she has already priced herself as a reasonable Mum.

Quite honestly, I don't understand how you cannot peak to friends, unless they are really acquaintances.

If she is a friend, I would put it down to pregnancy hormones, not realising the impact and thoughtlessness.

All can be cleared up.

If you don't like her, I personally don't see a problem with "twee", for example, but I expect my friends to be sensitive, but we are all only human and get caught up in ourselves, occasionally.

I trust that you do like her? If not, then distance yourself.

To call her some of the names that have been written, is ridiculous.

I have a big problem with "twee" but I guess we must consider the possibility that it doesn't bother the OP that much since they're friends.

Don't understand how you can't speak to friends

I can understand. Infertility in general and IVF in particular leaves you feeling extremely vulnerable, jealous, and angry, not to mention prone to tears. Given that state of mind, it is extremely difficult to speak to anyone about how you feel, particularly when you are afraid that those ugly and distressing feelings will come to the fore and potentially upset your family/friends, and you.

While I was going through infertility, my motto was "it's not all about me". So, I was enthusiastic with friends about their pregnancies, interested and happy for them, because to be otherwise would have been unreasonable of me upsetting for them - even though I died a little inside at every new anecdote and scan picture.

It is not unreasonable to expect the same sort of courtesy and social awareness from your friends and family.

YANBU, she's being hugely insensitive. I don't think you should need to tell her you're upset. Only an idiot wouldn't realise asking what she did would upset you.

I just wouldn't answer her ridiculous text.

I think your friend was very insensitive. A good friend of mine (who occasionally posts here ) became pregnant with her third between our 3rd and 4th rounds of IVF. She has been incredibly sensitive and supportive (probably more than I have been of her, tbh). She's been a great friend to me and tends to only mention her pregnancy when asked whilst listening to me witter on about drugs and embryos and generally stressing . To me, that's how a friend should behave.

BTW, OP, I've had great support through my rounds of IVF from a few of the long long-running threads over in Conception. Good luck with your treatment.

It is very insensitive of your friend OP, particularly as your friend is aware of your situation. When I was struggling to conceive my best friend fell pregnant, she already knew about our problems, and she was quite honestly a rock. She told me that she completely understood if I wanted to distance myself from her (which I didn't) and she was wonderfully supportive if I did get over-emotional when we met up - we cried together several times.

Unfortunately some people operate under the misapprehension that the world revolves around them, and when you are struggling with fertility issues (because that's what it feels like quite frankly, an uphill crawl through mud and broken glass) it can feel as if the whole world is trying to rub your face in it.

Part of the problem in this situation is how the rest of the world reacts to fertility problems. You usually find that the majority of people fall into two camps - the "it's too embarrassing to talk about" group, who leave you feeling like you have some unmentionable disease, or the "it'll all be fine, my neighbour's sister's best friend's daughter had the same problem and she just relaxed and hey presto: pregnant" group who think they know it all and leave you feeling rather stabby. Precious few people take the middle road of just being there for you and supporting you in whatever you need. If people discussed fertility issues more openly we wouldn't have half the problems we do now.

How you handle this is entirely up to you, personally I'd ignore her text and if she raises the issue again pull her up on it.

Sorry, I waffled on a bit there

Hello OP, just chiming in to say that like many posters, I understand and sympathise! Ttc for 3 years and in the middle of my first ivf, I would react in the same way if someone sent such a crass message to me. Come and join us on the BESH thread if you fancy it.

YANBU at all,

When you say she was "naming her bump", do you mean an actual name for the baby inside the bump or a 'silly' name like Bod/Bean etc. that people give to their DCs pre-birth (some people, not me BTW).

If it was the baby's actual name she was asking your opinion on, is it at all possible that she doesn't want to use 'your' names, as she knows that you are hoping to be pregnant yourself soon & doesn't want to spoil that for you by 'stealing' your name?

For any other reason, I would find it ill-considered at best, cruel at worst.

She sounds insufferable. Had any of my friends EVER sent me that text at any point in my life - either before, during, or after my IVF cycles - I would have thought they were twee and self-obsessed. Who else gives a fuck about the name of your bump?!

What an insensitive, dopey cow. Walk away now, OP. for one thing I can imagine she will turn into the worst kind of pfb mother imaginable.

oh do join the BESH they saved my sanity!

Suggest Distended Uterus. :o

I can almost understand somdlne expecting your 1st to want to name bump.but not ask friends especially one with fertility ixsues.she is being insensitive and childish.
I like the postdrwho saidgo suggest lucky. Maybe she might get the point that she got lucky 3times and orders aren't so fortunate.
Good luck with ivf x

I hate typing on tablets!

I would guess as others have said that you are doing such a good job of hiding your feelings that she honestly didn't think for a second you'd be bothered.

Totally agree with all the others that it is much more concerning that she is polling opinion on "bump names". That would be the friendship breaker for me

It's really hard in these situations. I've been in your friend's situation (I did NOT name my bump I might add ). I was pregnant with DC2 when my BF was struggling to conceive and having tests etc. I didn't even want to tell her I was pregnant, I felt guilty and like she'd hate me. A mutual friend told me that she had been upset and was avoiding me. It was hideous. In the end I shared nothing about the pregnancy and stayed out of her way.

In the end she came to me saying she was really hurt I'd left her out. There was just no way of getting it right. I just think if maybe we'd both been a bit more honest with each other a lot of pain on both sides could've been avoided.

congratulations if you've managed to read all of that!

Good luck with your treatment