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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this thoughtless at best and cruel at worst.

123 replies

Onelittlebugbear · 11/01/2014 08:53

My friend is pregnant with her dc3. She knows we are about to begin Ivf in the next couple of weeks. I know loads of pregnant people at the moment and generally I'm pretty good at faking happiness and then coming home and crying.

She text me to ask me what she should name her bump. Along with a list of possible cutesy bump names because she and he dh were having a vote. I'm afraid to say it set me off crying again.

Aibu to think this is hopelessly insensitive? I can't imagine ever having a vote outside of myself and dh as to what to name our bump, and I definitely can't imagine texting a friend I knew had fertility problems to ask.

Why are people so thoughtless? Why? I know I sound horrible but I'm really struggling at the moment.

OP posts:
bella411 · 11/01/2014 10:00

I think it is very thoughtless of your friend and as othershave said very childish to do a poll of bump names. As if a bump name does happen it's normally a natural thing rather than a oh what should we call it.

In general it is a hard thing, friends getting prpregnant and you desperately wanting. I made myself ill during my pregnancy as myself and a very close friend were pregnant at the same, hers very much planned mine not, unfortunately my friend mc and it made me feel v v guilty and still am to a degree as they are still ttc. It can be hard both side, but I'm sure yours like my friends it ismuch harder to put on a brave face.

Icelollycraving · 11/01/2014 10:01

Poor you :(
She is being hideously tactless but maybe because you've put such a brave face on it,she thought you enjoyed all the baby talk.
Naming a bump is twee but I did it,I was pfb & beyond excited as I had been told I wouldn't conceive naturally due to pcos. My bump was Elvis.
Hope your ivf is successful Thanks

formerbabe · 11/01/2014 10:03

Not sure I could be friends with someone who names their bump...I would gag every time it was mentioned.

pictish · 11/01/2014 10:03

OP - first of all, let me send you the very best of love and luck in your IVF attempt. I really hope it works out for you.

I don't think you should be too angry at your friend, despite all the calls of idiot/twit/twat/buffoon etc on here. I very much doubt she sent it thinking it would upset you, and I'm sure if she knew it had, she'd feel very foolish and sad.
If she is used to discussing her pgcy/baby issues with you as a mate, she would have assumed you were fine with it, and would see naming of the bump as no biggy.
I can only imagine how it must have made you feel...I'm not diminishing your feelings....they are understandable.
You can talk to her and tell her you found it upsetting of course, but don't let all the fury and name calling on here cloud your actions and how you deal with and view this. It is easy for people on here to name call - she is not their friend.

As an asides...texting people about what to name the bump is pukeworthy. Wink

CunningAtBothEnds · 11/01/2014 10:07

hi bear,

just wanted to join in and say YANBU. We struggled to conceive both DS's (have PCOS but GP wouldnt teeat for it, now under control but after 2 years plus of trying for each DS, Stable door...Horse...and all that!) when we were struggling the second time I was very open about it, and several friends acted like twonks! one fell pregnant by accident, and actually said "are you jealous? I bet you wish it was you dont you?"Angry Angry another said " well your DS1 is too young anyway.." for some reason normal rational people just lose all sense. It truly sucks. your friend takes the insensitivity level to the stratosphere though...

good luck with the IVF

SelfRighteousPrissyPants · 11/01/2014 10:10

She sounds very insensitive. TBH I don't think you can understand how hard infertility is until you've been through it. There's also an assumption that IVF is easy and always works these days. Everyone knows someone with an IVF baby so it's easy to think 'oh well you can just have IVF and have a baby'.

Good luck Thanks I have a 5 year old from my one go of IVF (also male factor) and I hope you are as lucky as me.

diddl · 11/01/2014 10:11

What a ridiculous thing to do!

I guess it's possible she just got so caught up she didn't think.

Are you very good friends?

I only ask as when I fell pregnant, one of my first thoughts was how was I going to tell X friend who had been trying for a time?

Sunnymeg · 11/01/2014 10:13

It could be that she is trying to include you in the pregnancy, even though her actions have come across as narcissistic. When we were TTC a friend of mine who fell pregnant unexpectedly sent us an 'In deepest Sympathy' card. I cried my heart out and DH went round to have a go at her. She explained that she didn't know what to do and had sent the card with the best of intentions. Later that day, her DH came round with a huge bunch of flowers for me because they had stuffed up. Our friendship was very strained after this, but they moved away a while afterwards, thank goodness.

captainmummy · 11/01/2014 10:15

Yuk! If she really must name her stomach, then yes, lucky would cover it. How insensitive.
On the plus side, op, male fertility problems are easier to overcome in ivf.
Good luck

captainmummy · 11/01/2014 10:16

Yuk! If she really must name her stomach, then yes, lucky would cover it. How insensitive.
On the plus side, op, male fertility problems are easier to overcome in ivf.
Good luck

captainmummy · 11/01/2014 10:16

Yuk! If she really must name her stomach, then yes, lucky would cover it. How insensitive.
On the plus side, op, male fertility problems are easier to overcome in ivf.
Good luck

Eggsiseggs · 11/01/2014 10:19

She is just excited, and although it's a bit cringey what she's doing, it isn't likely to be deliberate.

It's hard, though, OP.

BalloonSlayer · 11/01/2014 10:20

Gosh how awful!

You could suggest "Insenstitive" for the bump name I suppose and see if she gets it.

LouiseSmith · 11/01/2014 10:22

Perhaps she was trying to include you in her pregnancy? I understand how you must be feeling but she is still intitled to be excited about her pregnancy.

Should she not post pictures on Facebook for dear of upsetting someone?

HoratiaDrelincourt · 11/01/2014 10:24

I'd say that text is the equivalent of posting her scan picture on OP's wall, or tagging her in it. It's a level of involvement too far.

Bootycall · 11/01/2014 10:25

She is as daft as a brush as well as insensitive and crass.

Good luck with your IVF op, just ignore her texts and hopefully she will get the message. Have Flowers and a hug.

RedactedEdition · 11/01/2014 10:30

I totally sympathise, OP. It must feel awful for you. Complicated reasons meant I waited years for a desperately wanted child and at times found myself crying over nappy ads!

So, I am not being unfeeling in suggesting that this has happened because you have been so nice, and so generous in your support of your friend(s), so far. She was insensitive to send such a text to someone needing IVF, but actually has no reason to think that she needs to be sensitive because you have (to all intents and purposes, because you hid it so well) shown no sensitivity around the issue in earlier talks/shopping trips etc.

If she is a good friend, then its time to have a chat over a coffee and finally be honest .... tell her that starting the IVF is making you feel very complex emotions, and anything relating to babies is upsetting you.
Give her the chance to be sensitive, because you aren't disguising it anymore.
Flowers

AuntieMaggie · 11/01/2014 10:30

I am sorry you are struggling but I think you are being just a little unreasonable and that your friend has been a bit insensitive but by not being honest with her and in your own words "I've gone shopping for baby stuff with pregnant friends, discussed symptoms, talked about names for the actual baby and put a really brave face on it" then you have implied you have no problem with her asking you about these things.

You need to be honest with her otherwise she will do things that will upset you because she isn't psychic.

Whocansay · 11/01/2014 10:32

I think she just wasn't thinking and is excited. It sounds like she wants to overshare her experience with those close to her. It doesn't sound malicious and I bet she would be mortified to think that she's hurt you.

I would have a chat with her next time you see her and explain how you feel. I don't think sending snarky messages back would be helpful, unless you want to lose the freindship. Although I think this public naming of the bump is a bit yucky, to be honest.

pictish · 11/01/2014 10:48

I agree with you AuntMaggie - I do think that the OP has indicated by her actions that she is fine and happy to be involved with her friend's pregnancies.
To her friend, the text would have been a simple continuation of that.

I think all the shouts of idiot/twit/bitch etc are very unfair.

Caitlin17 · 11/01/2014 11:02

pictish I think OP is over reacting to treat this as thoughtless and cruel but honestly canvassing opinions on what to call the bump? That's just daft.

pictish · 11/01/2014 11:09

Well of course it is...I'm not arguing with that. Pass me the sick bucket!

However, the OP's friend being a nauseating drip, does not equate to being a shit, uncaring friend, when the OP has previously entertained all things pgcy related, that's all.

Thatisall · 11/01/2014 11:10

I agree with the previous poster about replying 'lucky' it gets your point across without being horrid, I have 1dd and secondary infertility. I see babies everywhere Sad Chin up OP

helenthemadex · 11/01/2014 11:20

YANBU to be upset, your friends is a bit of an idiot to send a text like that is crass and insensitive

but I do think its hard to know what to do for the best sometimes, Im not very good at putting things into words but if it was a close friend of mine who was having difficulty conceiving I would tell her first I was pregnant and be guided by her, to not talk at all about such a big and life changing thing would not be a normal thing to do in a close friendship. To pretend everything was the same and ignore the pregnancy would be false. On the other hand I would hate to think I was hurting a close friend by talking about it all the time. I would hope that a close friend would be be able to say to me I am struggling with this

However if it was not a close friend then I would not talk about it

dollywobbles · 11/01/2014 11:36

How thoughtless of your friend, even if you weren't about to start IVF, I think it's a very self-indulgent thing to ask anyone else to give a shit about.
How odd, that she and her DH have actually had conversations about what to call a bump. Weird.
I'd reply 'what about number 3? Wish me luck, we start treatment for number 1 this week!' And see if she sees a connection.
FWIW, in the 8+years we were ttc, I heard a lot of thoughtless comments, and I don't think any were meant to hurt. My very best friend, who I love dearly, compared my being childless to her need for a 3rd child. I know that people do really feel a strong need to have more children, but it really isn't the same as not having any at all (and I can say that as I now, amazingly, do have a child).
Good luck, OP, I hope it works out for you.