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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this guy was dodgy as feck?

114 replies

BunnyLebowski · 10/01/2014 13:17

I got on a bus this morning and sat next to the window on the lower deck.

It was very quiet and there were only two other passengers on the lower bit.

A guy got on a few stops after me and stood in the buggy section. From the corner of my eye I could see that he was staring at me.

He then came over and sat beside me. So close he was pressed up against me. I felt blocked in and extremely uncomfortable Angry .

Bear in mind he had his choice of 20 empty seats.

I said excuse me and stood up and went to sit upstairs. Younger me would have sat there intimidated.

AIBU to think he was a total creep? I cannot think of a single innocuous reason for him doing that.

I wish I'd called him out on it.

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 10/01/2014 17:16

Cake instead?!

AnyFucker · 10/01/2014 17:29

It's a rum do when people come on your thread to trash your instincts about this bloke

I am sure if there were social and/or learning difficulties you would have picked up on that.

Women have a 6th sense about this kind of stuff...for very good reason, honed over fecking centuries. If we listened to our instincts more and not less instead of letting society dictate that women should be polite and understanding at all times, fewer of these twats would get away with it

If you say he was a dodgy git, I believe you

candycoatedwaterdrops · 10/01/2014 17:30

FFS I never ever said the OP was wrong, I said I would not automatically assume every case was dodgy.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2014 17:32

If someone behaved like this bloke did, in the way she described it, then I would assume it was dodgy.

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 10/01/2014 17:34

candy you need to read the link yoni put up. Seriously. That answers your questions, every one of them.

OP YWNBU, but you don't need me to tell you that. Glad you are okay. Have a nice decaf tea instead of the gin you probably need want.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 10/01/2014 17:38

I did read it. I don't have questions, thank you.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2014 17:39

And in fact, the only safe way to deal with the behaviour displayed by this bloke is to remove yourself from it, without hesitation

On the off chance it wasn't dodgy, the worst thing that could happen is you confuse someone with social/learning difficulties. But tbh, that isn't her problem and if they behave like this on a regular basis then they will have to get used to it (and it possibly doesn't even register). That is not as unkind as it comes across, btw.

It's not women's responsibility to ensure that all men feel comfortable with their behaviour at all times.

Snatchoo · 10/01/2014 17:43

candy I don't think Bunny ever did think it was definitely the bloke being a creep. She mentioned pickpocketing as well. I don't think Bunny assumes all men doing this are creeps either - but she can only go by what she is experiencing and this instance she felt harrassed.

Bit different, but I was recently walking home from a party and was followed by some horrible creepy bloke. He was trying to talk to me and I asked him to leave me alone. This is when he starts with all the nasty 'I'm gonna spread your legs and lick you' shit. I told him to fuck off and leave me alone, no he wasn't being nice he was harrassing me.

Luckily he did just leave me alone but I was terrified and sobbing by the time I got home. I don't think a o

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 10/01/2014 17:46

What anyfucker said.

And it equates to the 'I'm offended', 'I didn't mean to offend' argument.
Offence is taken, not given. This guy gave off creepy/criminal vibes. His lookout, not hers. If he does have social whatsit issues, that's not her fault either. It's up to him to manage, not her to make allowances for. If his issues are bad enough that he gets into difficulties when out and about alone, as he is unable to communicate his real intentions, then he should not be in public alone.

everlong · 10/01/2014 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snatchoo · 10/01/2014 18:07

Sorry posted too soon!

I was going to mention, I don't assume men are all going are going to be sexual deviants of some nature but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, I think I'm entitled to make that assumption!

everlong · 10/01/2014 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Motherinlawsdung · 10/01/2014 18:16

I have had this crap all my life, from the age of 17 to 57. Men following me, talking to me without any encouragement, flashing me, sitting with their legs so wide apart that their thighs are pressed against mine, groping me on crowded trains. Mostly I have just moved away, taken evasive action and so on. But I am SO SO angry about it. I wish that I had been brave enough to shout at them in front of other people.
I urge other, younger women to stand up against this, shout out and shame the offenders.

DameDeepRedBetty · 10/01/2014 18:24

Someone way upthread asked what responsibility bus drivers have to their passengers. I asked a bus driver friend about this a while ago, and he said the safety of the bus and its passengers was his responsibility. Obviously his most important duty was to safely drive the bus, but if he felt that something was wrong amongst the passengers, he was fully entitled to stop the bus and ask a passenger to get off, and his owners would back him up. He'd done just that several times when he felt someone was intimidating or harassing passengers, but added that he felt a lot safer doing so after the company fitted cctv to monitor the cockpit area.

SeaSickSal · 10/01/2014 18:58

I was in exactly the same situation before Christmas, moved away from the guy. Discovered later on a local internet forum that the same man was sexually assaulting women on buses regularly.

Pumpkin567 · 10/01/2014 19:42

It is creepy!

Some people are just idiots though. I've had people sit next to me on an empty mountain! Fucking hundreds of miles and they want to lunch on the same rock.
A very loud, are they for real, then moving well away from potential serial killer.

Good ideas to teach children how to deal with it.

GlitzAndGiggles · 10/01/2014 20:28

I like the link that yoni posted. Especially the bit about if you say no in a non sexual situation and they continue how would they be in a sexual situation to you saying no?

My dd is nearly 3 and I've been drumming it in to her that her bits are HERS and she says you mustn't touch someone's bits. My friend said I was being dramatic because she's so young but I think the earlier, the better.

My own mum told me when I was very young that if a stranger touches you where they shouldn't, that you should kick them where it hurts and run!

Birdsgottafly · 10/01/2014 21:06

"Fuck! Birds didnyou ring the police?"

Sorry just returned to the thread.

She didn't see it as a sexual assault, it's that common for men (and lads) to over step the mark, with young women.

It started on the bus, with close contact.

I wasn't with her, luckily she was loud and someone looked out of their window. Until I showed her the report in lasts night paper, she didn't want to report, because she said she didn't think it would be taken seriously.

Incidents of harassing behaviour sadly are not rare.

I agree with changing how we teach defining out own boundaries and respecting the boundaries if others, as soon as we can.

FryOneFatManic · 10/01/2014 21:22

I, too, would be thinking dodgy bloke, and I've bookmarked that link of Yoni's to show my 13 yr old DD.

And here's another hand up to say I've had men being creepy to me when I was younger. Even got flashed at once, on the way to school.

9 times out of ten I'd assume a man doing this was doing it for either a power trip over a vulnerable woman or for sexual kicks. Because IME and that of my friends, men doing this were doing it for those reasons. No other reason for it, especially as we knew a few of those blokes.

PedantMarina · 10/01/2014 21:38

That was me Dame. Since then spoke with DP, who reminded me that buses (and trains, etc), tend to have signs up about "for your safety, CCTV is fitted, etc..." and, yes, the one of the driver's duties is to deal with this sort of thing.

I'm not saying the driver has to wade out of his cubicle, fists flying, but there's a lot of things he could have done between that and getting snotty and driving away, leaving a young woman stranded with a sexual predator. DP even had the suggestion (you might pass it onto your friend) to reverse until he's certain that the CCTv is catching the action.

DP (and I) hope that you've also reported the driver to the company - that's somebody who needs some re-training. And I'm begging you (Birds) to Get Angry - this isn't acceptable, and she shouldn't think so. It might be common, but that doesn't make it right. Quite the contrary.

Fluffyears · 10/01/2014 21:56

I was on a train and felt a hand grope my arse, I grabbed the hand and pulled it up high above my head the said very loudly and confidently 'excuse me has anyone lost this? I just found it stuck to my backside!'. Drawing attention loudly works.

PedantMarina · 10/01/2014 22:17

I think I just fell in love with you Fluffyears.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 11/01/2014 00:15

Fluffyyears what was the reaction?!

Fluffyears · 11/01/2014 01:42

A lot of people laughed the guy looked really awkward and shuffled off. Hopefully he won't touch anyone without being invited. My dad always told me to draw attention to creepy bastards as they don't like that too much. I hate confrontation but I remember thinking 'wtf HOW DARE HE TOUCH ME!' My dad would have broken his legs if he had been there.

I think the fact I was so confident about it helped. I think every teenage girl should be taught to do that in a situation where they are groped in a crowd. It helps other people know he's done something, it helps the girl regain some power and if the guy thinks she is quite confident and will stick up for herself he tends to back off as he relies on her not wanting to offend him. I've been told if I think anyone is following/harassing me I should instantly draw some attention to it as then someone will notice you and you may need witnesses if something untoward does happen.

caramelwaffle · 11/01/2014 01:54

Creepy pervert.

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