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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this guy was dodgy as feck?

114 replies

BunnyLebowski · 10/01/2014 13:17

I got on a bus this morning and sat next to the window on the lower deck.

It was very quiet and there were only two other passengers on the lower bit.

A guy got on a few stops after me and stood in the buggy section. From the corner of my eye I could see that he was staring at me.

He then came over and sat beside me. So close he was pressed up against me. I felt blocked in and extremely uncomfortable Angry .

Bear in mind he had his choice of 20 empty seats.

I said excuse me and stood up and went to sit upstairs. Younger me would have sat there intimidated.

AIBU to think he was a total creep? I cannot think of a single innocuous reason for him doing that.

I wish I'd called him out on it.

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 10/01/2014 15:34

Years ago I was on the bus into town for a night out and I noticed a camcorder lens with a red light sticking out from under a coat on the lap of the guy on the opposite side of the aisle. He'd got a little pull out screen thing on the side that he was looking at.

A middle finger and the silently mouthed words 'fuck off you pervert' into camera resulted in the light going off.

Creepy and weird. Bring back the bus conductor!

TimeToPassGo · 10/01/2014 15:34

OP you did the right thing moving.

Birds awful for your DD. I would definitely tell the police and also inform the bus company that you would have appreciated the driver encouraging her to get back on the bus for her own safety.

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 10/01/2014 15:35

Oh wind your neck in complex.

It's clear I'm talking about the numerous men mentioned on this thread who do these things rather than all men Hmm.

Or are we all angry man-haters for daring to not accept harassment?

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 10/01/2014 15:36

complexnumber, Not even a RTFT, but Read the Original Fucking Post!

Bear in mind he had his choice of 20 empty seats.

And he still chose to sit next to a woman, and far too closely. That's intimidating and just plain rude. He wouldn't have dreamt of doing it to a man.

And it's "rein", not "reign", by the way.

complexnumber · 10/01/2014 15:41

complex if you can't see the difference between a man riding a bus and minding his own business and a man harassing women then I think you have problems.

He sat next to her, that's not harassing. Many people might find it intimidating, but it is not harassment.

...and no, I don't have 'problems'.

Whiskwarrior · 10/01/2014 15:43

complex

Because of course no woman has ever been sexually assaulted/intimidated/harassed by some twat of a bloke, have they?

Rein it in ffs. Hmm

Bet you're a victim blamer and rape apologist too.

Whiskwarrior · 10/01/2014 15:44

He sat next to her after watching her. There were plenty of other seats available on the bus. He pressed up against her.

You think this is normal behaviour?

HermioneWeasley · 10/01/2014 15:45

Complex - human beings have a default preference for personal space with strangers (amount of space differs by culture but all cultures have it). Sitting next to her when there were seats which would not have encroached on his or others' personal space is abnormal.

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 10/01/2014 15:47

Right so it's not illegal.

But it is rude, intimidating, sinister and a gross invasion of my personal space.

He was pressed right up against me with his legs wide apart. He was looking at me as he sat next to me.

If you genuinely don't think that is unacceptable behaviour then you're clearly as weird as him.

OP posts:
GemmaTeller · 10/01/2014 15:48

I had this once [shudder] some guy kept staring at me at the train station in a morning then one saturday morning there was only me and him on the platform.

I got on the train first, he and came and sat next to me in the empty carriage, I was a bit hmmm and a bit scared. There was no stop till Manchester, I had to ask him to move so I could get off, then I moved through the station pretty sharpish.

The following monday morning DH came to the station with me, I pointed the man out, when my train came, DH gave me a big bear hug and a kiss, looked pointedly at the man and let me get on the train - luckily for me DH was twice the size of the creep and looks quite formidable (even though he's a big softy with me).

candycoatedwaterdrops · 10/01/2014 15:51

Some people lack social boundaries, does not make them creepy. It may be an invasion of your personal space but does not mean he purposely went with the intention of intimidating you.

pinkyredrose · 10/01/2014 16:00

candy wtf? Have you read the thread?

fluffyraggies · 10/01/2014 16:01

... and some people are predatory perverts, so, until you know for sure, it's better to be safe and move away!

to candy.

PedantMarina · 10/01/2014 16:03

Or tell them to FTFO because you were there first!
(to fluffyraggies) Grin

Whiskwarrior · 10/01/2014 16:04

Yes, it's always better to just shut up and put up, isn't it?

Ladies, don't ever move away from someone when you feel intimidated. You might hurt their feelings!

I must remember to make sure DD knows about putting other people before herself if she feels intimidated. I mean, she's 12 now - it's about time she knew her place.

Ffs.

fluffyraggies · 10/01/2014 16:05

As a teen i lost count of the number of times a 'person who lacked social boundaries' pressed their crotch against me for the entire train journey, while standing up on the crowded tube, and/or touches my arse, or rubbed themselves in front of me when there was no one else around. Or flashed. Or followed me.

Strangely enough all these people who lacked social boundaries were adult men.

I never had the guts to do anything about a single one of these incidents because i had been bought up to always be polite and think the best of people.

I tell my DDs different.

LittleThorinOakenshield · 10/01/2014 16:07

Totally weird, that would have made me really uncomfortable.

It's bloody sinister pressing up against a lone female in a seat on a near empty bus.

And complex it would be just a weird if I got on a bus, stared at a man and then sat next to him very closely on a near empty bus so I don't get what your point is.

penguin73 · 10/01/2014 16:09

I always sit on the aisle side rather than next to the window until the bus/train fills up, that way nobody can sit down without asking first. I suppose this is a bit like putting a bag on the seat but doesn't have the same attraction to potential pick pockets/bag snatchers.

Whiskwarrior · 10/01/2014 16:09

My younger brother lacks social boundaries, yet he still manages not to go around intimidating women on public transport. Funny that.

Callani · 10/01/2014 16:15

I have lost track of the amount of times that some creepy guy has decided to encroach on my personal space on public transport.

A nice loud, "Excuse me, would you mind removing your hand from my arse" or "Please stop pressing your crotch against me" usually does the trick. Sometimes they try to make out like you're being unreasonable but you can stare them down and know they know what they're doing. One particularly memorable time a (very young) girl thanked me for speaking up because he'd "accidentally" fallen into her and groped her boobs as well - dick.

FWIW, I mostly find that even on the extremely crowded Northern Line, men manage to fit around me without somehow groping me as well...

softlysoftly · 10/01/2014 16:17

YANBU social boundaries my arse. I had this on a train home at 7 months pregnant! I'd fallen asleep woke up with a bloke sat right against me, loads of empty seats.

When I reached my stop he followed me off, stopped me and said how beautiful I was, the freak. I told him to go away but he followed me.

Luckily though the station was nearly empty 1 other bloke got off the train and walked behind me all the way to the taxi rank and then turned around and went back to the station once I was in a cab. He never said a word but I know he'd clocked the guy and wanted to make sure I was safe.

exexpat · 10/01/2014 16:17

complexnumber - Sexual harassment and sexual assault of women on public transport is a huge and under-reported issue. If you flick through everydaysexism.com you will see how many women get hassled on buses and trains every day, and how few of them report it. In London there is now a special project to try to tackle it - Project Guardian.

Yes, there may be men who have difficulty understanding social norms and who think it is OK to go and sit right next to a woman on a nearly-empty bus (with no sexual/aggressive intentions), but I'm afraid the more common explanation of that behaviour is not benign. If the OP had continued to sit next to him, I would expect his next move would have either been to make obscene comments, grope her, or try to proposition her/get her number/follow her off the bus. It happens all the time.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 10/01/2014 16:19

I knew I'd get flamed, typical MN overreaction. There's nothing wrong with moving away if you feel uncomfortable. There is something wrong with assuming every person who makes you uncomfortable is a sexual predator.

Original poster
BunnyLebowski · 10/01/2014 16:23

Genuine question candy

If your daughter described the same thing happening to her would you just shrug and say it was probably harmless?

Would you not be a little bit angry that a man had made your daughter feel threatened?

I know I would.

OP posts:
Whiskwarrior · 10/01/2014 16:25

Must be nice to live in your little bubble candy where there are no sexual predators in the world.

Have you read any of the responses on this thread about peoples experiences? And you think we're all just being paranoid?

And if someone does lack social boundaries it's probably better that someone tells them where they're going wrong, rather than them doing it to the wrong person and ending up arrested/injured.