Seething about money argument with DH (maternity leave related)

[VodkaMargarine]

AIBU? I thought not but he did raise a point about my inability to save money which is making me question myself.

I have a 6 m Ds and have been lucky enough to be on a fairly good maternity package which has paid me three quarters of my salary for the first 7 months. In these months I have enjoyed myself and although dramatic cut backs have been made, I wanted to enjoy myself and have not saved any money for the final 4-5 months. I haven't spent much on clothes ( a few bits from h&m, a couple of pairs of shoes and some nursing bras), 0 holidays and of course no nights out! The money I've spent (after bills) has gone on Ds's stuff, regular coffees with friends, and my downfall, naice food as we both love cooking!

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months. This is something we discussed pre-baby. He went off on a rant about my excessive spending and how there seems to be a package delivered to our door daily. He basically told me off for not scrimping and living on the breadline for the duration of mat leave. He never seemed to have a problem with this before I asked him to contribute.

What really hurts is that this time last year he was barely working due to long term illness and I payed all the rent and bills for about 3 months and continued paying the bills till my due date. He is now back on his feet and earning a decent salary (a little less than mine). I assumed that naturally he would want to pay me back during mat leave but it seems he doesn't think so.

(We have always had separate accounts).

Sorry for long post.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

*would have thought.

[BettyBoo246]

YANBU money wise - it should be give and take in a relationship, you helped him out and now he should help you and his ds

However YABU parent wise!! Seriously you can't let your dp smoke weed round your baby, it's a drug, it's illegal, it will effect your poor baby's lungs etc etc and not to mention if social services find out you will have your precious ds taken off you!
What if god forbid something happens to ds at night and you have to rush him to hospital, your dp will still be snoring his dopey head off!

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

ss wouldn't remove a child for that reason, actually. not in my experience, anyway.

[BettyBoo246]

Yeah maybe not, but still I could not sit there night after night with my dp knowing he was off his tits!
And when your ds is older and daddy's still smoking the rancid stuff what sort of role model will he be? Completely selfish!

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

i agree betty it's just it's not much of a concern for the authorities generally.

[BettyBoo246]

I think op needs to change her post to aibu to let my dp take drugs around our ds!
Maybe if your dp wasn't stoned every night and of sound mind he might see your point about the money!

[HoleyGhost]

How can you rely on him for childcare while you work when he is not prepared to change his habits and contributes sod all to his family?

Opposing shifts is a tough way to sort childcare at the best of times. You won't get downtime. Do you really see him making the sacrifices involved ?

[bella411]

Joint account isn't always the answer, and it's our money not his and hers doesn't always work either.

From working in a bank and particularly collections, joint account can be bad in a marriage/relationship ends or one person is bad with money.

I do think you and your partner need to talk openly about money and potentially do a spreadsheet and work out whilst on the end of your maternity what the fairest way would be to pay the bills etc.

In my relationship, my partner moved in with me into my mortgaged house. Fortunately we earn roughly the same, I ask him for a set amount each month which covers monthly bills, annual bills and savings. My dd's Ctc and chb is separate money and is either saved for dd or used for clubs, days out etc. The remainder of the wages is ours to spend how we please. This is where I would hate the it's our money situation and feel bad if want to buy myself clothes, lunch out, I'd feel like I need to ask. Though I know not all people who pool money are like this. I do mostly buy dd's clothes myself if out and about. But if a new size clothes /season partner would go half.

In essence you don't have to pool money to be successful, but I do think you and your partner do nee d to discuss finances in detail. As I would still expect the rent to be one direct debit or standing order not 1 for half to go from each of your accounts.

[starfishmummy]

I am still on page one and totally stunned by a couple.who are.committed enough to have a child together having "his rent" and "her rent".
I am surprised the baby doesn't have a share of rent to pay as well.

[chalchalchal]

He sounds like a total and utter waster and to be honest his behaviour would repulse me. I couldn't be with someone like that.

A friend's ex was the same; he had a real sense of entitlement about his 'drugs money' each month (£300+ per month even though they were skint!), and used to get very nasty if he couldn't buy his weed and trips.

I think the money thing is the least of your worries in the long run, OP. I'd be looking to get out of the relationship based on the weed smoking alone.

[ukatlast]

I am an advocate of totally joint finances usually but if your partner has a drug habit, I think you would be safer to only share the household expenses with him in a joint account so that he pays in a fair share and you keep control of the balance of your earnings, not to spend them but to prevent them funding his drugs, should things take a turn for the worse.

[PurpleSprout]

He sounds unsupportive OP and I'm not surprised to be honest, if you feel like treating yourself when you're stuck at home and landed with a zombie post-6pm.

There are a lot of anti-weed people on here, some with very good reasons. I'm not one of them, in principle at least - the only difference i see it that it's illegal whereas alcohol and tobacco are not. My experience is that most people who want to smoke weed can do so and remain functional - I'm not saying it's a positive or negative, nor do I want to get into the debate about people with underlying mental health issues - but plenty of people can and do smoke the odd spliff either little and often or on occasion.

Your DP is clearly managing to get to work, but 6-12 units of alcohol a night plus 3-4 spliffs (obvs depends how he rolls them) sounds like a party, not a weekday evening. Is this an escalation of previous behaviour? If so, I'd be wary about giving him access to more money. I'd also be wary about it escalating further.

TBF his drinking sounds potentially more worrying albeit less expensive. 3 splits might make you useless, 6 cans of lager on a weekday though, unless he's drinking 2% stuff? Be honest is it usually 3 (heavy but maybe functional) or 6 (is he legal to drive in the morning).

Either way, he ought to be able to can it & help until after bedtime. That still gives him a good few hours to have a couple of beers and spliff ones DC is in bed if you're all comfortable with that. The fact he won't even do that suggests he's either ridiculously selfish or has a problem with one or other vice.

BTW if he's also a tobacco user (assuming so since you said joints) and you are not, that's also 'fun' money out the family pot, addiction or not IMO.

[differentnameforthis]

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months.

YOUR rent? Do you not live together? If you do, surely it is joint rent, so he would be paying for the roof over your heads?

I don't know if I could live with someone who paid nothing towards his childs upbringing!

[differentnameforthis]

We plan to split childcare between us as we both work shifts

I would feel uneasy about leaving my child with someone who smokes & drinks that much each night, tbh! Not to mention someone who doesn't think his money needs to go towards living/raising a baby expenses.

[chalchalchal]

^^ I agree with the points that differentnameforthis has made above.

There is no way in the world I'd leave my baby with someone who was constantly drinking alcohol and smoking weed. If he's out for the count by 6pm each night what on earth is he going to do if the baby wakes up or won't settle, and you're at work during the evening?

[Toecheese]

It sounds to me like you have been buying lots for DS. Can you tot it all up and work out how much. Can you keep a track of your spending. He also needs to keep a track of his spending. Then review after a month or so.

[VodkaMargarine]

Thanks for all the replies. I never considered separate accounts were such an oddity in a marriage. I will be making sure a joint account is opened next week.

mrsoakenshield I think you have really got a bad opinion of me. The smileys and the lol (first and last time I've ever used that abbreviation!) we're my feeble attempt at gallows humour. I understand the situation is serious and I've sought help and advice for Dh's 'hobbies' under another name last year.

I am bending over backwards to make sure Ds has a safe and stable environment in which to grow. I do not drink, smoke or take drugs and my life, as any new parent's, is devoted to bringing him up to the best of my abilities.

[LIZS]

Seems a bit one sided tbh . If you plan to work opposing shifts and he is home by 6 are you doing evenings? If he is on drugs and an alcoholic (ie. relies on the lager to wind down) then he won't be fit to look after your child. If so he simply can't smoke/drink. He does understand this , doesn't he ? You not indulging isn't going to be enough when he has one to one care . Has he had you ds for long periods on his on until now ? What about when he is older and needs taking out to groups to occupy and socialise him .

[bella411]

Im unsure how a joint bank account will solve the problem here.

But if do you get a joint account, I'd have it just for bills and no overdraft (or a very very small one at best)!

Think discussion about the weed, him finding alternate ways to wind down after and him bein a proper carer for your dc and finances is very much needed.

[JeanSeberg]

Do not get a joint account with this man.

[Andanotherthing123]

Please don't leave your baby with DP if he is drinking and or smoking weed. I think you need to sort out alternative childcare for your DS if DP isn't able to commit to not smoking/drinking when in sole charge of the baby.

DH and I don't have a joint account, we have a spreadsheet detailing our expenditure and he pays a sum each month to me so we split costs 50/50. I do all bills admin as he does the cooking and it works fine. But I do think the bills issue is secondary to the being stoned every night from 6pm and drinking.