Seething about money argument with DH (maternity leave related)

[VodkaMargarine]

AIBU? I thought not but he did raise a point about my inability to save money which is making me question myself.

I have a 6 m Ds and have been lucky enough to be on a fairly good maternity package which has paid me three quarters of my salary for the first 7 months. In these months I have enjoyed myself and although dramatic cut backs have been made, I wanted to enjoy myself and have not saved any money for the final 4-5 months. I haven't spent much on clothes ( a few bits from h&m, a couple of pairs of shoes and some nursing bras), 0 holidays and of course no nights out! The money I've spent (after bills) has gone on Ds's stuff, regular coffees with friends, and my downfall, naice food as we both love cooking!

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months. This is something we discussed pre-baby. He went off on a rant about my excessive spending and how there seems to be a package delivered to our door daily. He basically told me off for not scrimping and living on the breadline for the duration of mat leave. He never seemed to have a problem with this before I asked him to contribute.

What really hurts is that this time last year he was barely working due to long term illness and I payed all the rent and bills for about 3 months and continued paying the bills till my due date. He is now back on his feet and earning a decent salary (a little less than mine). I assumed that naturally he would want to pay me back during mat leave but it seems he doesn't think so.

(We have always had separate accounts).

Sorry for long post.

"I think it's time for a joint account. I was put off before as I didn't want him dictating the way I spend money." Why would he do that?

Wow. This is so depressing. For me he would have to be a hell of a lot more than 'a decent man' to make up for his complete lack of contribution to the household finances and to raising his child. He would have to be able to...nope...can't think of anything that would make up for the stuff you've described in your post. Even if he made me squirt stardust out of my fanny every time we shagged it wouldn't be enough.

That is a serious habit, which will be costing a fair bit. I thought you were talking about one joint a night!

Have you discussed with him how child are is going to be paid for once you return to work, or does he somehow expect you to pay for it all out of your wages too?

I think he already has a joint account by the sounds of it
Yanbu

How are you going to pay for childcare once you return to work?

Please please don't say that you'll be paying for it all out of your money?

x post with MandMand!

Mrs O, we are late 20s early 30s and very much a planned child.
I agree it is a lot and I wish it was less.

Blimey - what a mess. Surely all this should have been sorted and agreed upon before baby was even born?? When I was about 3 months pregnant me and my DH spent hours with our bank statements and a calculator planning on how we would deal with finances once I go off on maternity leave and how to manage costs for me to be off for a year. We have a written out plan and spreadsheets with all our incoming and outgoings detailed on it and how much of our savings we will dip into each month to cover costs etc. I know it sounds really anal but we needed to know exactly what we would be doing!!

We plan to split childcare between us as we both work shifts

Lol owllady

He is being very tight. My partner paid all the mortgage and bills while I was on mat leave and since I am back at work only part time, pays our three days a week childcare bill. My contribution is the two days I provide! Bills and mortgage now split as they were pre baby. For the last three months when my mat pay ran out, he transferred me £300 a month, cheekily calling it 'coffee and cake' money! Are you supposed to stay in all day?! Baby classes cost money and lunch with other mums keeps you sane through mat leave.

I feel this is a normal arrangement and will expect the same with DC2 due in the summer.

Admittedly I only got statutory mat for the whole time so couldn't afford half the mortgage and bills (would have been about same as mat pay! £500 or so...)

Well I think I would go through past bills and receipts and work out how much the joint household bills and spending on ds come to.
Then I would agree with dh how we should split those essential costs between the 2 of us. Then we both contribute that sum to a joint account. The rest of each persons money is then for them to spend or save as they wish, although would be wise to set aside joint savings too.

I find it unacceptable for a parent not to be contributing for their child, I'd lose respect for him over that alone

it's unfair on your child that weed is on his dad's list of essentials. How dodgy an environment. I've made the same mistake as you before though, hopefully you and he will come to your senses eventually.

Yanbu. For all the reasons others have said. His attitude has really annoyed me just reading this but can't express fully typing on phone! Xc

Realistically, will he be in a fit state to do his share of childcare!

I don't understand this his and hers money, if you love somebody, have a partnership you share the money surely.
It makes it far easier and no arguments.

i would consider anyone who left their dc with a man who relied on illegal drugs and that quantity of alcohol to get him through an evening to be an irresponsible parent. I'd be in no fit state after one toke and half a lager, not that I'd dream of it now.

One mention of weed & everyone's in an uproar!!

With regards to spending all the Maternity Leave early, if that was factored in to pay the rent etc. then YABU to suddenly spring it on him that he's going to have to cover it....

Sounds like you both need to have a chat & pay into a joint account....

right, well, it doesn't sound very planned, and you both sound very immature (and frankly, on that much weed, I'm amazed your DP was able to father a child). All the smileys and lols, you're really diminishing what sounds like a poor environment and set-up for a child to grow up in.

I suggest you both sit down, sober, and have an adult conversation about money, childcare and everything going forward.

How can someone who is smoking 3-4 weed an night and having 4 lagers
ever be in a fit state to look after a child. Do you really want to be with this person ?
As said above I can't understand the 'yours/mine money business' you are a family unit it is 'family money'.
Both of you need totake a long look at yourselves and consider whether you are able to bring this child up together.

Moms - have you read the whole thread? I couldn't care less if someone likes a spliff, but this man is smoking a lot of weed, and drinking a lot, daily, which is contributing to his absolute failure to contribute to family life - he is out of action every single night from 6pm.

Stiffler fewer people are in uproar than I would have though. I wonder if you know how harmful it can be? It's as much of a concern as his double standards when it comes to spending money.