Seething about money argument with DH (maternity leave related)

[VodkaMargarine]

AIBU? I thought not but he did raise a point about my inability to save money which is making me question myself.

I have a 6 m Ds and have been lucky enough to be on a fairly good maternity package which has paid me three quarters of my salary for the first 7 months. In these months I have enjoyed myself and although dramatic cut backs have been made, I wanted to enjoy myself and have not saved any money for the final 4-5 months. I haven't spent much on clothes ( a few bits from h&m, a couple of pairs of shoes and some nursing bras), 0 holidays and of course no nights out! The money I've spent (after bills) has gone on Ds's stuff, regular coffees with friends, and my downfall, naice food as we both love cooking!

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months. This is something we discussed pre-baby. He went off on a rant about my excessive spending and how there seems to be a package delivered to our door daily. He basically told me off for not scrimping and living on the breadline for the duration of mat leave. He never seemed to have a problem with this before I asked him to contribute.

What really hurts is that this time last year he was barely working due to long term illness and I payed all the rent and bills for about 3 months and continued paying the bills till my due date. He is now back on his feet and earning a decent salary (a little less than mine). I assumed that naturally he would want to pay me back during mat leave but it seems he doesn't think so.

(We have always had separate accounts).

Sorry for long post.

[Viviennemary]

It doesn't sound like any sort of partnership to me. I just don't think I would like to live in this kind of set-up. But even if you have a joint account when salaries are cut for one reason or another both of you have to cut back. So you both should have been financially planning as to what would happen when your salary was reduced at the end of your leave. But I can see why you are annoyed when you supported him before.

[DontmindifIdo]

erm, if you earn 60% of the money, you might be better off discussing him taking over some of your mat leave and you going back to work, however if he's smoking weed every day and doesn't do any childcare currently, you might not consider him to be safe to be incharge of the baby.

I would suggest you have a joint account and keep separate accounts, you both put in money to cover bills, the remainder (which should be about equal) is your own to live off, but have your wage paid into your own account and his into his. You agree how much your food budget is a week and clothes/activities for DS per month.

Personally, I'd be really angry about the weed smoking - it wouldn't be acceptable for him to roll in drunk every night, wasting money and meaning he can avoid having to do anything around the house, and distroying his health. He honestly seems to be bringing very little to the table, long term, if you are always the one to cope/hold things together, one day you'll wake up and realise you might rather just carry on without him and your life would be exactly the same or better.

[craftynclothy]

We have a joint account that covers bills, a joint savings account to cover yearly bills and the remainder is split equally into our own current accounts.

Normally I'd agree with others and say you need a joint account but in this situation I'd be worried about sharing an account with a twat someone who prioritises beer and weed over their own child's expenses. Are you really sure he wouldn't spend from the joint account on those things and leave you short?

I think you need to spell out to him all the expenses for your ds and tell him that you are both responsible for those costs and he needs to start to contribute.

[LittleThorinOakenshield]

Only I have a card to our joint account.

[PicardyThird]

I wouldn't be with someone who thought it was OK to be a parent and use illegal drugs. I'm really not sure why you're tolerating it and posting grins about it.

How on earth do you live with him spending his evenings stoned?

As for the money thing, I'm another who can't understand couples living together with children and having separate finances.

Fairylea summed it up perfectly for me.

[domoarigato]

Is weed socially acceptable now or something. Good grief!

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

So he opts out of contributing towards his child and spends his evenings smoking weed. He sounds like a right catch.

I'm not sure what the smiley faces are about OP.

[domoarigato]

Is weed socially acceptable now or something. Good grief!

[Chippednailvarnish]

You sound like you are made for each other.

[Blondeorbrunette]

By your own admission you have enjoyed yourself. I think if you were on a good maternity package and you knew it wasn't going to last for the whole of your maternity leave then you are being unreasonable.

What did you discuss/agree before you went on ml re bills, rent etc?

I wouldn't be happy if someone "mentioned" to me that soon I was going to have to cover everything when my ml decreased.

[Callani]

If you are married then there's no such thing as separate finances - everything you each have, whether savings or debts, are considered joint marital assets. That means there is no "my rent" and "your rent", there is only "our rent" and that means joint responsibilities.

I won't even start on the weed...

[VodkaMargarine]

chunderella. It's not for pain relief but some studies do show it can be beneficial to his condition. He doesn't know this so I'm keeping that to myself!

I didn't see weed being a factor in my post hence not posting it in th OP.

I think. My issues were that I'm annoyed he hasn't really acknowledged that I helped him out and think he is in a financial position to do the same for me without bringing up spending.

[stopprocrastinating]

Yanbu. I think your DH needs some counselling.

[VodkaMargarine]

I too think he/ we need some counselling. That's another story.

Naive as it sounds I'm hoping that he will step up when I go back to work because there is no other option. He is a decent man with a few vices and can be complacent when I'm about. However if he is left to it because I'm at work he will simply have to do it.

[Hippymama]

I'm a bit shocked reading this post tbh :(

Me and my oh were in a similar sort of situation to you as for a long time I earned more than my husband and paid a larger share of the bills. We always had the same amount of "spending money" though. Now we have a son (and I'm expecting our second child) I am not working full time (I have a small wahm business) and my oh earns the bulk of our income.

When we made the decision to have a family we talked a lot about how finances would work. We have a joint account and all money goes into that. We don't have "my" money or "your" money. All money goes into the pot and we are a team. My husband recognises the fact that if I'd gone back to full time work almost all my wages would have gone on childcare and petrol so it made financial sense for me to be at home (plus we wanted that for our family anyway). He would never dream of making money an issue because we are a team and although my contribution is not financial, I am contributing enormously to our family ( as are you whilst on maternity leave, despite what your oh appears to think!)

Your oh sounds like he needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities. Getting stoned every night to the point where he is unable to look after his child is completely unacceptable and unfair on your child (and you).

[VodkaMargarine]

chunderella good point. We've been together so long I take his habit for granted and don't question it.

Depending on availability he will have between one and ??? Maybe 3-4 on a work night. 3-6 lagers.

I haven't worked out a cost.

[HermioneWeasley]

He sounds like a prince.

How does he enhance your life? Apart from your shared love of food he's got the munchies

[Stickyfeet]

So, firstly, YANBU.

Secondly, I logged in to post what I now see others have written on this page. A joint account is not a magic solution and based on what you've told us about your DH, probably not a very good solution at all.

You need to talk to him again.

[Greenmug]

You've made your peace with his weed habit because he smokes it outside? Really?

So he spends his money on beer and weed and he thinks you overspend because you buy stuff for your baby. He sounds a real catch...

[hercules1]

I think you either resign yourself to life with him and accept him as he is as he is too selfish to change. Perhaps you don't mind living and having children with a man like this.
Or you decide you and your child are worth more and make plans to Ltb.

[MrsOakenshield]

3-4 joints and 3-6 lagers every night??? That is a lot. A Lot.

I think I asked before - how old are you both and was your child planned?