Seething about money argument with DH (maternity leave related)

[VodkaMargarine]

AIBU? I thought not but he did raise a point about my inability to save money which is making me question myself.

I have a 6 m Ds and have been lucky enough to be on a fairly good maternity package which has paid me three quarters of my salary for the first 7 months. In these months I have enjoyed myself and although dramatic cut backs have been made, I wanted to enjoy myself and have not saved any money for the final 4-5 months. I haven't spent much on clothes ( a few bits from h&m, a couple of pairs of shoes and some nursing bras), 0 holidays and of course no nights out! The money I've spent (after bills) has gone on Ds's stuff, regular coffees with friends, and my downfall, naice food as we both love cooking!

I mentioned to DH last night that soon I'd only be receiving stat pay and would he mind covering my rent for the last few months. This is something we discussed pre-baby. He went off on a rant about my excessive spending and how there seems to be a package delivered to our door daily. He basically told me off for not scrimping and living on the breadline for the duration of mat leave. He never seemed to have a problem with this before I asked him to contribute.

What really hurts is that this time last year he was barely working due to long term illness and I payed all the rent and bills for about 3 months and continued paying the bills till my due date. He is now back on his feet and earning a decent salary (a little less than mine). I assumed that naturally he would want to pay me back during mat leave but it seems he doesn't think so.

(We have always had separate accounts).

Sorry for long post.

[ChatNicknameUnavailable]

Seperate accounts are not an oddity. We have separate accounts. But we also share money.

If something happened to my salary, such as being reduced due to maternity leave, sick, unemployment etc, DH would just...pay the rent. We'd both tighten our belts and His wages would just be used to cover all outgoings until I was earning again and we were more comfortable.

The thought of asking df if he would 'mind' covering our family expenses is laughable...I think he'd look at me like I was a lunatic.

I don't get how you can be in a relationship, share a home, share children, but keep such stringently separate finances. Not a bit.

[ImperialBlether]

I really wouldn't advise you to get a joint account with him. I think there'll come a time when you'll be glad you kept them separate.

Basically, he's a very selfish man, isn't he? He expects you to pay for everything when he can't yet is angry with you when you expect the same courtesy.

Who the hell are these entitled men? Where are they all coming from? How can any self-respecting woman want to go near them?

[VodkaMargarine]

We have discussed his habits not being particularly compatible with child care and he will cut down on both when in charge of Ds. Although he's coming across as a dock ish man child he really does love Ds and can recognise when he is or is not fit to care for him. I am confident that on his own with him in the evening he would neither drink to excess or smoke more than one spliff. This may sound like one too many to lots of posters but he is still alert and capable after this many. I think it's more that he knows that he can coast along when I'm there and will hopefully step up to the mark when I'm not.
We have a small garden that he uses.

[VodkaMargarine]

Dickish man!

[Chippednailvarnish]

I am confident that on his own with him in the evening he would neither drink to excess or smoke more than one spliff

Shame on you to even be considering leaving a child with him.

[LIZS]

I am confident that on his own with him in the evening he would neither drink to excess or smoke more than one spliff

Not good enough I'm afraid. If , heaven forbid, something occurred that meant ds was injured or there was an emergency I don't think police or ss would be so lenient.

[bella411]

Sorry I would want zero weed when Dp was in sole charge and one beer max, preferably none, if he's in charge!

On days when you are both there if he wants to get stoned and drunk that is the time to do it.

[bella411]

Sorry I would want zero weed when Dp was in sole charge and one beer max, preferably none, if he's in charge!

On days when you are both there if he wants to get stoned and drunk that is the time to do it.

[bella411]

Sorry I would want zero weed when Dp was in sole charge and one beer max, preferably none, if he's in charge!

On days when you are both there if he wants to get stoned and drunk that is the time to do it.

[AllThatGlistens]

Oh dear God. I don't know if you're naive or simply ground down but cannabis and drinking every night?

I'd be making some pretty big changes before going back to work.

[sykadelic15]

On the joint account front.... while DH and I are on each others accounts, we do have separate accounts. His parents do as well because his mum is a spendthrift and his dad isn't.

DH pays almost all the bills with "his" money. I buy groceries and pay for medical bills, car insurance and registration as well as a few other things along the way. I also try and save as much as possible but consider that "our" savings except when I need it to pay a big "extra" bill. Then I just take it out and use it.

We've been married over 4 years and it's always been like that. We can survive on DH's salary alone which is the best way to live imo. The only issue right now is the medical bills would make it much tighter on him (but if I didn't have a job we could apply for help with those).

[NigellasDealer]

that is a lot of weed and a lot of beer every night what if there was an emergency? he would be useless! and i am v open minded about the odd spliff.

[Bogeyface]

If you asked a SW whether whether him cutting down a bit on the illegal drugs and alcohol he consumes while in sole care of a baby, what do you think they would say?

You are so used to living with a stoner that I think you have forgotten what normal people are like.

[MrsWilliamBodie]

This man is a selfish, self-absorbed user.

Would you leave your child in the care of a childminder or nursery where the staff were drinking and smoking weed?

Good grief, OP, do you really think that this is a normal life you are leading?

[Bogeyface]

Sorry that should be

If you asked a SW whether whether him cutting down a bit on the illegal drugs and alcohol he consumes while in sole care of a baby is ok

[NicknameIncomplete]

I am going to be harsh but i think your child needs someone to be.

Why the fuck would you CHOOSE to have a baby with an alcoholic drug addict.

I have seen the affects cannabis can do to someone and there is no way i would have a child with someone who smoked it once every 5 years nevermind everyday.

I dont think a joint account is the answer. He isnt going to pay into the joint account as he is spending his money on himself as that is what is important to him.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Your not being harsh Nick you're right.

[VodkaMargarine]

I don't think I've got anything else to add. I might get some counselling for myself as I do seem to hold a different view to most posters. If its not a normal life I'm leading I need to realise and deal with that!

The SW's I've met (through my career, not personally), have always been dealing with horror homes, not this sort of environment. I know it's not ideal but the comments are a little extreme.

[Chippednailvarnish]

The only extreme is you.

[foreverondiet]

I find it mad that people agree to have babies without discussing how to share money when on maternity leave! We share money so salaries into joint account etc so this wasn't relevant really. But I only took 6 months off each time as couldn't afford longer without cut backs, basically we discussed together how we would manage on less money up front.

I think you were a bit unreasonable not to discuss in advance, esp as you had generous package. But he is also being unreasonable now as he should have said he wasn't prepared to cover your share of rent so you would have known to either be more careful or go back to work earlier.

Difficult. Perhaps call his bluff and say you have to go back to work earlier and you can't afford rent due to cost of childcare? Or is going to say you have to cover that as well as your share of the rent

[LIZS]

but the horror homes are those where no one is able to control the circumstances , you have that chance . Your ds cannot choose who he is left with and in what circumstances , you have to do that on his behalf and take responsibility for the consequences.

[Bogeyface]

It isnt extreme at all.

Just because your situation isnt as bad doesnt mean it is good. A drug addict who drinks too much is still a drug addict who drinks too much whether he is living on a park bench in filthy clothes and begging for Special Brew money, or living in a 4 bed home with a good job. And neither is an appropriate carer for a child.

[ChippingInWadesIn]

Vodka - for me the most shocking part of all of this is that you planned having a baby with him. I don't get it. He drinks to excess, he smokes a lot of weed every night, he's selfish and has a horrible attitude. Why oh why? If you were my friend or DD I'd be really upset. I'm only saying this because you said that if your situation wasn't 'normal' then you'd get help and I hope to help show you that you should x

Anyway, you now have a lovely DS - so it's not all bad :)

However, there are things that have to change. Only you know your DH and if he will 'man up' or not, but tbh it's not looking that hopeful as he a) hasn't already and b) is acting like a twat re money for DS.

[Bogeyface]

Chipping has a point. Fear of losing 'enough money' to support his vices?!

He isnt a skinflint at all if he is happy to set fire to a significant amount of his income, and piss another portion up the wall. I suspect his "skinflint" tendencies are actually that he cant afford to support his addictions and buy anything but the most basic of everything.

I think you need to find out exactly how much his addictions are costing your family (and they are costing your family, because you are pulling up the slack by providing for your DS when he should be contributing). If he drink 6 lagers a night, not a premium lager, then that will be costing him about £6, every night. So £42 a week (assuming Carling, if he drinks Stella or some such then you can add another £1 per day, so almost £50 a week).

So between £40 and £50 on booze. 3 spliffs a night...I have no idea of the cost of cannabis, but I cant imagine its cheap. So lets estimate the same as the booze, another £40. Does he smoke cigarettes aswell? £7.50 per pack, 1 pack per day is over £50 a week.

A conservative estimate is £130 a week he is either pissing down the bog or setting fire to.

Not looking like such a skinflint now is he? And as you are making up the slack for his refusal to contribute to your child, he is effectively using £65 of your money every single week to support his drinking and drug taking.

[Bogeyface]

Oh and be aware that when you ask him how much a weeks worth of dope will cost him, he will lie. You can double the amount he tells you and probably still be below what he actually spends.