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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really not be sure about this (sorry, long & possibl triggers?)

98 replies

extremepie · 09/01/2014 21:14

Not sure where to start :(

Quick background, exH & I spilt up last year, am now a single parent and have virtually no friends and family in the area. Ex moved away so I have just my sister and one friend left to talk to/interact with. Had to give up work when we spilt to look after DC's so have been very lonely & feeling isolated :(

A few weeks ago I met a dad with his daughter at the bus stop at the school, we got chatting and spent the whole journey into town talking about our kids, he told me all about his girlfriend who had a week prior given birth and it was just generally chatty conversation. Nothing flirty or sexual at all in the slightest.

Before we parted ways he said to add him on Facebook so I did and later that night he started messaging me saying he was in the area (he lives fairly close to me) and did he want me to pop over and say hi so I said ok.

I know now it was really stupid but I was so lonely and desperate for company that I really wanted a friend and someone to chat to - he had told me they hadn't been in the area that long & didn't know many people so I assumed he was feeling the same and it was purely friendly.

He turned up & after I let him in I realised that he was really drunk - this made me feel really uneasy but he made it quite clear quite quickly what he was there for, ie sex.

I won't go into detail but basically he said he wanted to have sex with me, I told him I didn't want that, started talking about his girlfriend and his kids to put him off but he became quite angry and said he would hold me down if I didn't want to do it.

After trying to talk him out of it and asking him several times to leave he made it obvious that he wasn't going to go until he got what he wanted and I was so scared he would hurt me to get it I said I would. I just wanted him out of my house and he wouldn't leave :(

After, I got him out as quick as possible & promised myself I would never tell anyone or talk about it ever again, I would pretend it never happened and forget about it. Yesterday I told my sister and my friend because I just couldn't deal with it anymore :(

AIBU to not be sure if this was rape? It totally doesn't fit with what I thought rape was that I'm really not sure. I feel so ashamed, I feel it was my own stupid fault for being so naive and so trusting and for letting him in my house. I feel like such a fucking idiot and because I did agree (albeit under duress) that it wasn't rape? I don't know what to do now, now that I've told someone I keep going over it in my head and I'm distraught and I keep going over all the things he said and did. Feel like it's all my own fault :(

OP posts:

Cranky01 · 09/01/2014 21:19

Ah sweetie, it was rape. I'm sorry that it happened to you. Keep talking to toil it sister and friend.

BOFalicious · 09/01/2014 21:21

Yes, you were afraid for your safety. Please call the police (not 999, as it's not happening now)- I promise that they will take it seriously.

neolara · 09/01/2014 21:23

I'm sorry this horrible thing happened to you. Yes, it's rape. It's not your fault. I want to urge you to go to the police and report him, but I appreciate that this may be easier said than dine. Where your sister and friend supportive?

Coldlightofday · 09/01/2014 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BOFalicious · 09/01/2014 21:24

And it wasn't your fault, my love, not at all.

Perhaps repost this in Relationships, or Feminist Support? AIBU does tend to attract wankers (hey, I'm here!) and you need to be kind to yourself rather than invite a kicking. So sorry you've been through this .

puntasticusername · 09/01/2014 21:24

It was rape. It was not your fault. You were not stupid in any way.

Call the police on 101.

leezl · 09/01/2014 21:25

So sorry you went through this. Please report it

hwjm1945 · 09/01/2014 21:26

this is appalling - poor you, you were taken advantage of- obvioulsy, yuo know now you should not have let him in , but we all do these things as we do not want to offend and you ahd no reason to doubt him. You are not in any way to blame for this violent asault, as that is what it was.

in my view, this was rape - however, yuo need to think very carefully about how you want this to proceed, before yuo decide what to do next - first up, practical points - check for pregnancy etc? If yuo want to involve police, make sure you have support to go there with you etc as I understand this is an arduous process

Ii feel so angry on yuor behalf- how dare this man do this to you!

Whatwouldmumdo · 09/01/2014 21:26

Oh dear my love that is rape. I'm right in thinking your dc were upstairs? What other choice did you have bit to quietly give in? He was drunk and aggressive and in your home with you and your children.

Call the police. You might not be the first or the last.
Try to keep talking and be strong. You didn't do anything wrong. Xxx

Reality · 09/01/2014 21:28

I am so sorry this happened to you, it's not your fault, he is a rapist.

Wishing you strength xx

Bearandcub · 09/01/2014 21:29

Oh love, it is rape. You did not freely consent. I'm very sorry this happened to you. If you feel you cannot talk to the Police about it please speak Rape Crisis.

They are incredibly supportive.

saulaboutme · 09/01/2014 21:29

I think he was an utter bastard and he's taken advantage of you. Don't ever let him near you again and definitely don't let him in the house.

You had sex against you're will and I'd say that is rape. You could report it to the police and get advice if you feel brave. Don't carry this on your own. Do you think you're the first and last woman he has done this to? I doubt it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and hope you get the support you need.

Coldlightofday · 09/01/2014 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrownSauceSandwich · 09/01/2014 21:30

Oh you poor, poor thing. If your sister/friend/daughter told you this story, you'd know the answer to your question. If you talk to these people www.rapecrisis.org.uk/, they'll know the answer to your question. It WAS rape, and that bastard getting in your head to make you doubt your own thoughts... That's half the violation. Do get in touch with rape crisis, who can help you sort through what's been done to you.

Mim78 · 09/01/2014 21:30

So sorry to hear this happened to you. I totally agree with the others that it was rape, and not your fault at all. You must be feeling terrible but please do keep talking to sister about it - the suggestions above of helplines are also a really good idea.

I would be on the side of reporting it, but can understand if you don't want to go through all of that. The brave thing to do would be to try to protect other women from him but reporting as you can bet he has done if before, and probably will do again.

You do need to check out that you aren't pregnant etc if you haven't already done so.

This is so horrible, please don't think it's your fault for a minute.

BrownSauceSandwich · 09/01/2014 21:30

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/

lilsupersparks · 09/01/2014 21:33

It was definitely rape :-( you poor thing :-(

JoinTheDots · 09/01/2014 21:34

You poor thing, how frightening and horrible for you. It was rape without a doubt and I would encourage you to report it, but can see why you would be reluctant. This was not your fault, I hope your sister and friend are able to give some real life support. Call the support lines too, if you want to talk to someone confidentially who has dealt with this kind of thing before.

NicknameIncomplete · 09/01/2014 21:35

It was rape. He forced you into having sex with him. It may not have been physical force but it was verbal and threatening. He left you little choice.

Hope your sister is giving you the support you need. Please think about reporting it.

Original poster

extremepie · 09/01/2014 21:36

He did use a condom but because he was so drunk i dont think he cared if he used it right - I have a mirena so should be ok pregnancy wise but I am getting tested on Monday just in case :(

I feel for his girlfriend because even though I deleted him off Facebook straight away I looked him up yesterday & they got engaged on Christmas Day so obviously they are still together & I feel she would be horrified if she knew. But then she might not believe that I didn't want it and might hate me for 'sleeping with her boyfriend'.

I want to tell the police but he knows where I live, he turned up at my house once since to 'apologise' but mainly to make sure I wasn't going to tell his girlfriend and ruin his family (his words) - our kids also go to the same school and I'm scared to say anything in case I run into him again, have already seen him in town and today at the school gates :(

I will be moving house soon so I might say something after but I have no evidence :( he will just deny it or say it was consensual :(

OP posts:

k2togm1 · 09/01/2014 21:39

Oh no. That is awful. It was rape

Reading the replies I kept thinking about the GF and the week old baby, sorry but if not for yourself you must report it for their sake, imagine he was your DP, you'd want to know and be out ASAP, wouldn't you?

In no way I mean what happened to you isn't bad in itself, just offering another angle.

PortofinoRevisited · 09/01/2014 21:40

No - call the police and report him. You are not responsible for upsetting his family - HE IS. And tell them he has been back and that you are afraid for your safety.

k2togm1 · 09/01/2014 21:41

Sorry we x-posted. You are assuming a lot of things in there, I'd give the police the benefit of the doubt. Best of luck.

Grumpasaurus · 09/01/2014 21:42

Oh honey my heart goes out to you, it really does.

I was raped by two men in a very similar circumstance; I drove myself mad going round and round and reliving every moment in my mind trying to make it okay, and believing it was my fault, and if I hadn't done a, b, c it would not have happened.

At the end of the day, you have a decision to make about whether or not to report it. That is wholly, totally, and completely up to you, and you need to know that no matter what you decide, that is the right decision for you.

More so than that, please get some support from other women who have been in the same situation; there should be a rape crisis line or support group or even a women's aid group in your area.

I promise, promise, promise that it does get better with time and that eventually you will see it for what it was and not blame yourself, and I just hope you get to this place soon and can heal.

HomeIsWhereTheGinIs · 09/01/2014 21:46

I'm so angry on your behalf. Please contact Crisis (or similar) and, if you can bear it, try and tell the police. It's atrocious that he did this to you, and you might be able to stop it happening to other people.

You poor thing. It was not your fault, he's an utter cunt and completely in the wrong. Look after yourself.

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