Not sure where to start :(
Quick background, exH & I spilt up last year, am now a single parent and have virtually no friends and family in the area. Ex moved away so I have just my sister and one friend left to talk to/interact with. Had to give up work when we spilt to look after DC's so have been very lonely & feeling isolated :(
A few weeks ago I met a dad with his daughter at the bus stop at the school, we got chatting and spent the whole journey into town talking about our kids, he told me all about his girlfriend who had a week prior given birth and it was just generally chatty conversation. Nothing flirty or sexual at all in the slightest.
Before we parted ways he said to add him on Facebook so I did and later that night he started messaging me saying he was in the area (he lives fairly close to me) and did he want me to pop over and say hi so I said ok.
I know now it was really stupid but I was so lonely and desperate for company that I really wanted a friend and someone to chat to - he had told me they hadn't been in the area that long & didn't know many people so I assumed he was feeling the same and it was purely friendly.
He turned up & after I let him in I realised that he was really drunk - this made me feel really uneasy but he made it quite clear quite quickly what he was there for, ie sex.
I won't go into detail but basically he said he wanted to have sex with me, I told him I didn't want that, started talking about his girlfriend and his kids to put him off but he became quite angry and said he would hold me down if I didn't want to do it.
After trying to talk him out of it and asking him several times to leave he made it obvious that he wasn't going to go until he got what he wanted and I was so scared he would hurt me to get it I said I would. I just wanted him out of my house and he wouldn't leave :(
After, I got him out as quick as possible & promised myself I would never tell anyone or talk about it ever again, I would pretend it never happened and forget about it. Yesterday I told my sister and my friend because I just couldn't deal with it anymore :(
AIBU to not be sure if this was rape? It totally doesn't fit with what I thought rape was that I'm really not sure. I feel so ashamed, I feel it was my own stupid fault for being so naive and so trusting and for letting him in my house. I feel like such a fucking idiot and because I did agree (albeit under duress) that it wasn't rape? I don't know what to do now, now that I've told someone I keep going over it in my head and I'm distraught and I keep going over all the things he said and did. Feel like it's all my own fault :(