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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really not be sure about this (sorry, long & possibl triggers?)

98 replies

extremepie · 09/01/2014 21:14

Not sure where to start :(

Quick background, exH & I spilt up last year, am now a single parent and have virtually no friends and family in the area. Ex moved away so I have just my sister and one friend left to talk to/interact with. Had to give up work when we spilt to look after DC's so have been very lonely & feeling isolated :(

A few weeks ago I met a dad with his daughter at the bus stop at the school, we got chatting and spent the whole journey into town talking about our kids, he told me all about his girlfriend who had a week prior given birth and it was just generally chatty conversation. Nothing flirty or sexual at all in the slightest.

Before we parted ways he said to add him on Facebook so I did and later that night he started messaging me saying he was in the area (he lives fairly close to me) and did he want me to pop over and say hi so I said ok.

I know now it was really stupid but I was so lonely and desperate for company that I really wanted a friend and someone to chat to - he had told me they hadn't been in the area that long & didn't know many people so I assumed he was feeling the same and it was purely friendly.

He turned up & after I let him in I realised that he was really drunk - this made me feel really uneasy but he made it quite clear quite quickly what he was there for, ie sex.

I won't go into detail but basically he said he wanted to have sex with me, I told him I didn't want that, started talking about his girlfriend and his kids to put him off but he became quite angry and said he would hold me down if I didn't want to do it.

After trying to talk him out of it and asking him several times to leave he made it obvious that he wasn't going to go until he got what he wanted and I was so scared he would hurt me to get it I said I would. I just wanted him out of my house and he wouldn't leave :(

After, I got him out as quick as possible & promised myself I would never tell anyone or talk about it ever again, I would pretend it never happened and forget about it. Yesterday I told my sister and my friend because I just couldn't deal with it anymore :(

AIBU to not be sure if this was rape? It totally doesn't fit with what I thought rape was that I'm really not sure. I feel so ashamed, I feel it was my own stupid fault for being so naive and so trusting and for letting him in my house. I feel like such a fucking idiot and because I did agree (albeit under duress) that it wasn't rape? I don't know what to do now, now that I've told someone I keep going over it in my head and I'm distraught and I keep going over all the things he said and did. Feel like it's all my own fault :(

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 09/01/2014 21:49

I'm so angry for you. What a totally horrific experience. Wiser ones will advise you.

Original poster

extremepie · 09/01/2014 22:04

He told me I was gagging for it.

He said I wanted it from the time he saw me at the bus stop.

He said my hair made it obvious I wanted sex (I had bright red hair at the time)

When I asked him about his girlfriend he said he didn't come here to talk about her and that he hadn't come all that way for nothing.

I always thought if it ever happened to me I would fight and scream but I didn't and I feel like I didn't try hard enough :(

OP posts:

PortofinoRevisited · 09/01/2014 22:08

The way he engaged you is truly frightening - nice bit of innocent chat, sussing out your personal circumstances, Oh friend me on FB. He may well have done this before. He may well do it again. There might well be others who feel like you and are too scared/confused to report. I don't want to put pressure to contact the police but please, please do contact Rape Crisis and let them advise you.

Whatwouldmumdo · 09/01/2014 22:10

extremepie. You did the right thing, he sounds horrible and very scary.

PortofinoRevisited · 09/01/2014 22:13

Oh X posts with your recent one - I changed my mind. Please DO call the police. Show them this thread if you need to. He sounds especially unpleasant and I doubt this is the first time.

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 09/01/2014 22:15

My heart goes out to you. What a horrendous ordeal. Try not to blame yourself. It's easy for me to say but I think you need to contact the police and victim support may be able to offer some help dealing with what had happened.

fromparistoberlin · 09/01/2014 22:17

Oh man, I am SO sorry to read this. Yes he did rape you. How much do you want to bet there are quite a few women he has done this too

and it breaks my heart to read your post, its not your fault. He saw you, read you, and then swooped in. Like I said he likely has form.

loads of great posts here, so read them.

I am a complete stranger but you need to know know I beleive you, he did rape you, and its NOT your fault

xxx

OneUp · 09/01/2014 22:25

He did rape you. Please go to the police, he could be headfucking any number of women the same way as you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2014 22:29

You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Whatever you decide to do, know that at least.

BOFalicious · 09/01/2014 22:33

It is still worth reporting though- there may be other unproven complaints against him, which will build a profile, or your report may help someone be believed in the future.

OTheHugeManatee · 09/01/2014 22:36

It was rape. So sorry this happened to you.

KatOD · 09/01/2014 22:37

I am so so sorry for you. You did nothing wrong at all. I hope you find the strength you need. He is an evil, bullying rapist.

I think you need to talk things through with people far better qualified to help, counsel and advise. Please call rape crisis.

iloveny001 · 09/01/2014 23:10

Please find the strength to report him x you haven't done anything wrong, but he has.

Pipbin · 09/01/2014 23:26

I understand why you feel worried because he knows where you live. Please call the police while it is still fresh in your mind and you possibly still have DNA evidence.
A different but similar thing happened to me many many years ago and I didn't tell anyone. It took me many many years to get over and I now worry how many other women he could have hurt since. Please call the police on 101 or Crisis as listed above if only to get emotional support.

Pipbin · 09/01/2014 23:29

Also, I doubt he sees it as rape. This is why he has turned up to apologise.
Don't let him control you. If you feel you can't call the police please call Crisis.

Hissy · 09/01/2014 23:31

Oh sweetie, i'm so sorry you went through this.

Please call rapecrisis and when you feel you can, please report this. You might help stop this happening to someone else.

VoyageDeVerity · 09/01/2014 23:31

Please do report this. He did rape you and the bastard knows it, hence all the contact afterwards to re establish what happened in your mind. But you know the truth and do does he.
Scumbag.

Letitsnow9 · 09/01/2014 23:33

I just wanted to send my love and say I agree with what everyone else had said.

How could you of known what he intended? You did nothing wrong, please keep talking about it and try not to doubt yourself

WilsonFrickett · 09/01/2014 23:48

He raped you sweetie. I'm so, so sorry.

I hope you can report it to the police but I think your first priority is to get some support for yourself. As pps have said, please contact rape crisis who can support you and help you work out what to do next.

McFox · 09/01/2014 23:50

I agree with everyone else. What an utter cunt, he knows exactly what he's done and it doesn't sound like a one off up me - he has clearly sussed out your situation. The police will be sympathetic.

You aren't responsible for his family, he is. He is now trying to bully and intimidate you.

If you can't bring yourself to dork to the police yet, please call rape crisis. They are fantastic and will help you get your head around what's happened. Having been raped myself, I understand that blaming yourself can be your first instinct, but please speak to someone who can help you see that he's the one st fault, not you.

Look after yourself x

Corabell · 10/01/2014 00:13

I'm sorry that he did this to you.

Turning up to "apologise" may be part of his method in messing with your head and reminding you that he knows where you live, which is bound to intimidate you.

Please call rape crisis.

Be kind to yourself. You survived and protected your children.

Busyoldfool · 10/01/2014 00:15

Yes, rape. You had no choice. Your kids were in the house and your priority was to get him out of the house. Many of us have trusted people in simple social situations and certainly "there but for the grace of God go I".

Talk to the people who can help as others have suggested. Take care.

HypodeemicNerdle · 10/01/2014 00:18

What a total arsehole this guy is, doing what he did to you and then trying to manipulate you into keeping quiet.

Well done for talking to your sister and friend, that must have been very hard, I hope they are supporting you.

There is great help out there, as others have suggested.

It was not your fault

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 10/01/2014 09:13

Oh love, that was rape. A man came inside your house and told you he was going to have sex with you . He ignored your no's and he made it clear he was going to force you. he sounds very very scary and

You did the right thing, your instinct was self preservation. That is a very very good instinct. You did everything you could to stay alive and get away. he was threatening you, he was drunk and out of control and violated you. you did the thing that was trying to keep him calm and non violent when he was in your home and you had no way of getting help and you needed to keep yourself and children safe if you could.

You got through the situation and you did the only thing you could - you did a brave thing and it's ok not to fight back. It does not mean you allowed him to do this to you, you had no choice and he forced you.

He is scum. You were very very brave.

I just want to hug you very gently and help you and keep you safe. I know I can't cos I'm just a stranger on the Internet, but please please know that I believe you, I hear what he did to you, and I hear how awful that was. and very very gentle Internet hugs if that's ok. Xxx.

You were NOT gagging for it. You were NOT inviting him in to let him violate you. You did NOTHING that a normal man would have misread as letting him force himself on you. You did NOT agree to have sex with him. He RAPED you. It was NOT your fault. In any way. At all.

I think you sound really traumatized, and scared, and vulnerable. I know you promised yourself you'd pretend it didn't happen, but we humans don't work like that, you can't wipe it out of your head, because it happened, and your body and mind know it did - no matter how much you want it not to have happened or how much it shouldn't have happened :(

I'm thinking that you need to tend to yourself and get some help because it's a terrible thing that happened and you need looking after. Do you think you could call a tape charity or helpline? I just think you shouldn't have to deal with this on your own. I also think calling the police is a good thing But I also think you need to take it all at a pace you can cope with. What's right for you now? What do you want to do now?

Xxx

TheBigJessie · 10/01/2014 09:25

Please call rapecrisis. Please.

He raped you. You can't go through this alone, without support from real human voices, who know what to do, and how to help you. Don't punish yourself like that. Please. All the non-shits on MN will be here for you, but you need proper support too.

It was rape.

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