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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't ever imagine returning to work. And I'm quite happy with that

389 replies

Anyfuckerisnotguilty · 09/01/2014 14:43

Although I realise that makes me seem quite odd to others

But I actually really like not working and just being able to do whatever I want

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 11/01/2014 14:00

Fair enough If you're happy to be financially dependent on another adult,
and have weighed up consequences of never working again
too precarious for me

Bowlersarm · 11/01/2014 14:03

Why is it precarious?

If you break up, everything gets split, then you get a job if you need to. Don't see anything precarious about that.

Bowlersarm · 11/01/2014 14:03

Totally agree with you jellybeans

scottishmummy · 11/01/2014 14:04

No recent work experience,no references.only half a settlement if married
Whoop di doop

JeanSeberg · 11/01/2014 14:06

It's extremely unwise to not take responsibility for your own financial future whether single or married.

janey68 · 11/01/2014 14:07

Worried- I know skills and qualifications aren't necessarily linked to higher earnings. Which is why I include the hugely important term 'worthwhile' .' Many public sector health and education careers aren't high earning but are massively fulfilling and socially worthwhile. Many people who do them are doing them in part, at least, for those reasons, and therefore won't necessarily stop working just because their Partner is earning a lot more (in something which may not be as socially valuable)

JeanSeberg · 11/01/2014 14:07

And Hmm at 'get a job if you need to' like it's that easy.

Bowlersarm · 11/01/2014 14:08

No recent work experience doesn't seem to be a problem for my friends returning to work. I would still be able to get references-still in touch with old bosses. Half a settlement would do me fine.

So yes, whoop di doop, indeed.

jellybeans · 11/01/2014 14:14

Life is too short. It makes me happy being a SAHP. Surely that is good? Shouldn't we grab happiness while we can in life. My DH loves his job and declined the chance to be a SAHD more than once. Me SAH makes his job a lot easier as he is often called away etc. We also used to both work full time so have done a bit of all ways. We went through hell and back to have the kids (stillbirths, losses, huge complications etc). Nothing else seems important. Saying that I have been studying and will be looking into voluntary work soon and potential paid roles when DC are older.

JingleJemJem · 11/01/2014 14:19

I like to dream of not working, being home with the kids permanently, but the reality if it for me is - we would have to cut out holidays, meals out, car, move to a less nice house, then the kids will be at high school in 10 years time, they won't need me for drop off and pick up, I'd feel a bit of a fraud living off my DH then, but I would struggle to get into a decent job after 10 years out of work. And I just don't like the idea of being fully dependent on DH financially. But I can definitely see the appeal if you can afford it.

Geckos48 · 11/01/2014 14:19

Also, people saying that people should have a job even though they don't need one.

You do know there is a job shortage? That two high wage earns in some families mean some of us are living really close to poverty and need benefits not to be in poverty?

Seriously I think that we (as a nation) should be concentrating on getting one high wage earner per household before we lay on the pressure for there to be two.

There aren't the jobs , it makes the cost of living astronomical and actually, having stuff to talk about is irrelevant to whether or not you are paid to spend X amount of hours a week working for someone else!!!

janey68 · 11/01/2014 14:37

I don't know why this has turned into anything to do with SAHP... The OP didn't mention this and seemed to just say that she doesn't work and is quite happy seeing herself never working again.

I can quite see that if you have several pre school children it may be quite desirable to not work, or just work part time, or indeed it may be financially impossible to work during the expensive pre school years.

But to talk in terms of never working again is very unusual, for the reasons I explained upthread. Nothing wrong with it if you've secured your financial future and have a partner happy to support you financially life long, but certainly unusual in this day and age. And as for taking on household reap

janey68 · 11/01/2014 14:39

Oops household responsibilities - yes, looking after young children is time consuming and can be hard, but the other responsibilities of running a home - cooking , laundry, housework... I mean c'mon, no one can pretend that's a full time job! Though I can quite believe that it's possible to make these things expand to fit the time available if one chooses

ssd · 11/01/2014 14:47

op says "But I actually really like not working and just being able to do whatever I want"

what a smug self satisfied line that is

wordfactory · 11/01/2014 14:53

Yes, I know tons of SAHPs and not one can just do what they want!

They are constrained by many mnay things ' school run, DC's illness, DH's working hours, cash flow, logistics, voluntary work etc etc

As for how precarious or othwise giving up paid employment is, well whilst it might be not remotely for some, it is highly precarious for many. I was a family lawyer for many years and saw it all too clearly.

Also, getting back into employment after long gaps is tricky for most people. Pretending it isn't is so disingenuous.

highho1 · 11/01/2014 14:53

Omg. Being kept by a man. Haven't read rest of thread but really. I am sure you being home is beneficial to him too.
Yanbu op. As long as your dh is happy too than ig is no one elses business.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 11/01/2014 14:56

I'm very jealous.

I would love not to work.

This week I had a bit of a breakdown and was sat on the floor crying and wailing because I had a depressive relapse. I ended up coming home from work, but have had to go in each day despite me not being able to keep from bursting into tears. It feels like it's killing me just having to get out of bed each day.

I so wish I could afford to quit.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 11/01/2014 15:05

I appreciate the view that it seems miserable to base your life choices on the worst case but I do value my independence.

last year I watched my friend take back her husband after a pretty shocking betrayal. I like to hope that it was driven by love and trust (and I think it mostly was) but I have a sneaking suspicion finance came into it too - he is a high earner and she enjoys a very nice life and that would be turned on it's head if they split. Even getting half of the current assets wouldn't leave her set up to enjoy anything like her current quality of life.

I feel a bit glad that I know I wouldn't have my emotional choices swayed in that way.

Having said that they seem to be happy again now so maybe money was nothing to do with it.

morethanpotatoprints · 11/01/2014 15:14

The worst case is splitting up though and as others have said everything is split and then if you need to get a job its not too difficult.
Obviously, a high powered career isn't easy to walk into but there are always min wage pt jobs, well there is round here anyway Grin.

Word

The constraints of a sahp you mention are really not much different than a working parent.
I don't think I have many constraints and tend to choose what I want to do each day, albeit mostly stuff for family. I suppose it depends on whether you see you family as a constraint.

Worriedthistimearound · 11/01/2014 15:20

Well my job may be worthwhile but so is my family and what would be the point of me working just because I'm committed to the ethos if it meant I have 2 in school for long hours and 2 in nursery for long hours?

Are people really saying it would be better for me to work and put my primary aged kids in after school clubs and my younger ones in day care then have to pick then all up between 5.30-6pm, rush home try to sort out a meal and homework and piano practice and all the other stuff just to have the virtue of employment? So we'd all me more stressed and exhausted but at least I could say I worked! I just don't understand that sentiment. Of course I miss working but why would I want to put us all through that craziness just for the sake of it. We don't need the money and we have a reasonable amount of savings and investments.

If he died I'd be very wealthy. If he left me, our assets would be split (although DH would be very adamant that me and the kids stayed in the house whilst they were still at school and he has said this many times) and I'd go back to work. I don't see that I'm making the wrong decision at all. We are certainly equal partners and I don't feel 'kept' because I do my bipt and he does his. Which as I mentioned earlier, he couldn't continue to do if I went back to work.

Worriedthistimearound · 11/01/2014 15:23

thinkaboutittomorrow, if I worked and he left me I'd be in the same situation though, wouldn't i? I teach and it's very easy to return to at any point. If he left, I'd go back.

morethanpotatoprints · 11/01/2014 15:27

Worried

I totally agree and I don't understand it neither.
Some people prefer to keep out of the stress and can benefit their family better by not working.
I have nobody else to take dd to her music lessons, concerts, and of course the many rehearsals/ recording/ filming that involve trekking the length and breadth of the country.

HoleyGhost · 11/01/2014 15:27

I know it does not feel that way but AFAIK, the evidence shows that the structure and social side of most jobs is helpful in recovering from mental illness, including anxiety and depression.

OP - YABU to never work again, assuming work includes any kind of contribution to your community , not just paid work

violator · 11/01/2014 15:28

YANBU. If it makes you happy and as a family you can afford it, knock yourself out.

Make sure your OH has a good life assurance plan and both of you have illness cover though.

BlingBang · 11/01/2014 15:35

Janey68 "Oops household responsibilities - yes, looking after young children is time consuming and can be hard, but the other responsibilities of running a home - cooking , laundry, housework... I mean c'mon, no one can pretend that's a full time job! Though I can quite believe that it's possible to make these things expand to fit the time available if one chooses"

No it doesn't have to be a full time job (also had "proper" jobs that had quiet periods, sitting on your arse or playing hide the typex) - think the OP's point is she enjoys not being run ragged but having time to look after the home and kids and have time to herself. I Don't pretend me being at home with the kids in school is a slog and all my time is taken up scrubbing floors. I realise I'm lucky and in a priveleged position. But it has pros and cons like every choice.

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