Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

[vr6lee]

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

It was a pretty severe accident! If your GF was punishing your mother, she wouldn't be letting her see your son. She's not doing that- she's letting your mother see your son all she wants, provided she (GF) is able to make sure your son is safe, which to her, means at your house under her supervision.

Your GF is understandably anxious and will become less so as the scars fade, your son becomes older and less vulnerable and she regains her confidence in your mother's safeguarding standards (it really was a very silly mistake your mother made).

If you want to speed up the process, make it clear that you were shocked and distressed by the accident too and you are just as much on board keeping your son safe. You are coming across as a bit dismissive of the severity of the accident and more concerned about your mother's feelings to be honest. If this is how you are to your GF, she may feel that she is the only one who is actually concerned about what happened which will make her doubly protective as she can't be sure you "have her back" on this subject.

I wouldn't forgive such an accident and would question the childcare ability of any person who let this happen.

It was an accident, GM is obviously devastated, what if it had have been OP who had hold of the child or his DPs mum. Accidents happen, and yes it's upsetting but to punish GM when she's obviously feeling awful is cruel. DPs DM was looking after my son when he fell and broke his leg, she was devastated but it could have happened to any of us and I in no way hold any grudge or refuse to let her see him.

I'm guessing there's some back story here.

venus What a load of bollocks. Arm chair psychologist.

It was an accident! Are you not reading the same OP. Where do you get that his mother is more important? That she has forgotten how to care for a child?

Nothing like making up your own OP eh?

I would assume the OP's mums house is generally safe and she is a responsible person in general other wise the baby would not have been there in the first place. DS fell off the bed as a baby which could have been terrible but when I spoke about it on MN I got positive responses about it being an accident though lets face it it was my fault for letting him fall but because it's a MIL there are issues everyone knows MNers hate MIL's

If my mil had an accident like you describe, I'd be devastated for both my childandmy mil. I know for a fact I would not hold it against her like your gf is doing. I know my mil loves her grandchildren wholeheartedly and would never knowingly put them at risk...just like your mum.

This. I do think we need you to answer a couple of questions though Lee, how old is your son, when did this happen and what is their relationship like generally.

Time is what your GF needs to come to terms with what's happened. Don't push her or she'll put up such a wall that it will destroy your relationship, never mind the one she has with her MIL.

Do be aware that after an accident like this HCP's, nursery and the like will ask her questions about how safe MIL's house is too. It's the kind of accident that causes SS to be involved.

Her reaction is totally natural. Just let your Mum visit her GC at your home for a few months and let the two women come to terms with what has happened in their own time and at their own pace. She's not banning contact altogether, just limiting it to what she can mentally cope with for now. If it takes her a year to lift her current restrictions, then that's what it takes.

On your Mum's part, many Children's centres do saftey in the home courses/peadiatric first aid, or she could have a chat about child saftey with them herself. It was exceptionally stupid to be trying to use a kettle and hold a child at the same time and most modern Mums would be horrified at her behavior tbh.

Perhaps she needs a refresher course on home safety, to install a couple of safety gates etc before she has your child in her home again, for both women's peace of mind? I know my Mum has baby proofed her own home since Grandkids arrived. This is something I think YOU need to suggest to your Mum and not rely on your girlfriend to bring the subject up. Frankly after such an awful accident she isn't prepared to do this then she definitely shouldn't be entrusted with caring responsibilities for your child.

Yes I'd treat my own Mum the same as your GF is treating her MIL. Your girlfriends instincts are primeaval towards protecting her child, and you have to accept that. Your Mum has brought this reaction upon herself as while it was an accident, it was one waiting to happen. Boiling water and toddlers just don't mix. I'm so sorry this has happened.

It's hard for all the reasons the other posters listed.

However, your girlfriend is going to get a huge shock and feel terrible the first time the baby has an accident she could have prevented had she thought about all the possible risks life throws us.

I remember feeling physically sick when my hubby accidentally left the stair gate open and our 9.5 month old DD ended up in the loft with him

I needed to remember he just forgot the stair gate open by accident, I'd done it before but was lucky nothing had happened. Small mistakes can lead to big accidents. That's life I'm afraid.

My own dd got a cup of fresh coffee and pulled it over herself when she was small. According to some posters on here I should probably have had dd removed from my care .

It was an accident. A horrible accident.

I completely understand your girlfriend's reaction, it normal to get rather mother lion about your children. Right now she probably wants to kill your mother and do everything she possibly can to keep the woman who hurt her baby away.

Sounds like she needs to talk it through with someone rational and removed from the situation and work through her feelings. Your HV may well be able to help you with that you know, it is part of their job.

You can't pressure her but she does need to sort thorough her feelings so she can see it as the accident it is and allow the child to visit his grandma again.

She might well always feel twitchy about it. I feel twitchy about my children in the care of my mother in law. Less so now they are older and can tell her what they need but still twitchy. I feel a bit twitchy about them when they stay with my own mum too.

Its because she is the MIL. That's why people agree with the gf.

Everyone knows most MNers hate the MIL.

If your mil were dealing with a boiling kettle with your son in her arms, I suppose you'd be very angry. Your mother was irresponsible and she will have to gain your girlfriend's trust all over again. It may take a long time, but I think you and your mother shouldsuck it up.

It was not 'an accident'. Your mother was irresponsible. I wouldn't trust her again.

I am shocked at the exactions on here, accident happen, even with parents of children. Yes I understand the girkfriends reaction totally, your mum gas to guild up the trust again, if that takes seeking her grandson at girkfriends house with her present so be it. In time when ds gets older it may ease. But some listers on here are vile, never kept her see him again . It's not like she did it on purpose, it was a misjudgement and she is devastated.

Posters I meant!

If it were a child minder we'd all have have said the child should never be left in that person's care again.

I've been in a similar situation, where my mil was careless and my dd was injured, so i may be able to offer some insight.

After it happened, I was beside myself with worry about my dd. I was absolutely furious with my mil for being so stupid and my gut reaction was that she clearly didn't love my dd if she could thoughtlessly expose her to such risk, when I spend all day every day being careful and thinking everything through to the nth degree to keep dd safe.

With the benefit of time to calm down, I realised that of course mil loves dd; she's just not a sensible woman. I don't trust her to supervise dd alone and I won't again unless, over time, she demonstrates a markedly better attitude.

Dh, by contrast was upset for dd but just said "Well, it was an accident". It made me feel as though he refused to recognise that the accident was mil's fault . I felt that, since he didn't have this appreciation of just how bloody irresponsible mil had been, he clearly still trusted her to supervise dd. I therefore couldn't trust him to keep an eye on dd around her. So, in that situation, I couldn't feel that dd would be safe.

It took a long time and a lot of talking for us to fully understand one another in this. Once I knew that he recognised that mil could not be trusted to be alone with dd, I felt happy for him to supervise the pair of them.

Until your gf knows that you take her worries about your mother seriously, how can she trust you to keep an eye on her? That's your first step in fixing this. She's not punishing your mum; she's bloody terrified that her son will be injured again.

Accidents are not things that just magically happen.

There has to be a risk and a failure to protect the child from that risk in order for an accident to happen.

The risk was a boiling kettle. The OP's mother failed to protect the child from that risk.

Saying these accidents just happen and it's normal is saying it's acceptable not to 100% protect a child. Which is neglectful

The MIL has proved that she can't safeguard the baby. Would she hell be getting another chance from me.

Your gf has had a huge shock and her baby was hurt badly. Honestly if my MIL had been stupid enough to be holding my baby near the kettle and he had got burnt like that, there is no way in hell she would be left alone with him again.

It's sad for your mum but she has to recognise this and wait for the trust to be built up again.

Your gf is being totally reasonable not letting her look after your son and insisting that your mother must visit your house while she can keep an eye on things. Things will probably change in time but for right now this is what your gf needs to do, support her.

It this had been the mother posting about an accident questioning herself as a mother the response would be different. Children get hurt by accident every day blind cords, hot water, falling. I would want supervision but I hope I would treat the person how others would treat me if the accident had happened and I was the the person present. My DM was ill when DCs where young she would love to of been left alone but she did not have the physical strength so compromises needed to be made.

You may need to give your GF more time to rebuild trust and continue to have visits at your home in the meantime.

When was the accident and how old is your son? What was the relationship between your mum and GF like before the accident?

trydrawing, brilliant post I think you have hit the nail on the head exactly

It's the reason I was very happy to leave my mother with my pfb, but not my father, without supervision. He just wasn't aware enough, proactive enough to spot potential risks and accidents.
The fact that he loves my children and would die for them doesn't change this. So, your mum sees her grandson with supervision, so she's not in sole charge. That seems reasonable to me at the moment.

I'm on your girlfriend's side, I'm afraid. If something that serious happened while my kids were in their grandparents' care, I'd react exactly the same way.

Clearly I need to report myself to social services.

I hope posters like atkinmum don't read this thread if anyone who allows a child to have an accident in their care is deem irresponsible, untrustworthy and not capable of caring for a child. Goodness me.