Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

[vr6lee]

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

[Andro]

I think wannaBe has it right, if this was the other way around and the (female) OP was saying that her 'D'H didn't trust her to supervise a visit at hers mum's house the husband would be dismissed as unsupportive, controlling and undermining the mother. The OP would be reminded that they are both parents with equal responsibility and it's not for one parent to dictate to the other.

OP, she is undermining you. Yes, she's probably scared, traumatised and not quite thinking straight...but if she doesn't trust you to be in charge of your child you have a problem (unless you have a history of irresponsibility that you're not telling us about).

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

So if the op was around can he no longer be trusted to look after his son unsupervised?

What if the gf was there? Should she no longer look after him unsupervised either?

[Blu]

Why so rude? (to those being rude)

Some people cannot even react to somone else's opinion without swearing and offering abuse and rudeness, let alone deal with an actual traumatic event.

[AskBasil]

call me over protective, but actually I wouldn't leave a baby old enough to roll on a bed or carry a child while handling a hot kettle

are ppl really that laid back about safety?

[HavantGuard]

So she's not saying your mother can't see him. She's saying she doesn't want her child going to the house where the accident happens and your mother can visit the child at his home. And the issue is???

If that happened to a child of mine in my mother or anyone else's care they would not be left to look after him alone for a while.

[pictish]

I am starting to wonder if this is a wind-em-up-and-let-em-go post.
All the same, it has made for interesting (and fucking depressing) discussion.

[SPsMrLoverManSHABBA]

Pic Probably so. MN at its best

[MommyBird]

We need a little bit more.

Why was the child allowed to be alone in the kitchen? If it was because MIL was tidying/putting toys away? Or did she fall asleep/leave the child?

[Joysmum]

I try to judge others by the standards I'd like to be judged myself.

I would like to be 100% perfect 100% of the time, but I'm not.

Yes I take steps to plan and prevent problems, but yes I have my off days. My intentions are good and I'm on the ball most of the time...but I can't always be right.

So, whilst obviously being upset about the accident, it's not unfeasible that the MIL is just the same, a conscientious woman who had a lapse, just as any if us is capable of no matter how perfect they make themselves out yo be on here

[SomethingkindaOod]

The OP's issue is that his Gf won't leave the father of her child to supervise his Mother, she has to be there with them. He's feeling undermined.

[ouryve]

• I think you will find that many of us are making a finer distinction than that. Many accidents are avoidable with a few basic precautions.
  Some are not.*
  
  Exactly, SilverApples.
  
  Small child + boiling kettle - of course it's dangerous. It's a no brainer to suggest that you keep them apart because the potential consequences are very serious. A scalded foot is painful enough. Imagine if it had been the boy's face. Or entire torso.
  
  Small child tripping over a rug while running. Obviously an accident. Probably best to check the rug's not sticking up and secure it or remove it if it is, or if the child seems to manage to trip over it, regardless. Not so easily forseeable and easily fixable. Some children are sure footed enough for it to never be a danger. Others trip over their own feet. It's something where you judge the situation as needed.

[SPsMrLoverManSHABBA]

Mommy If you read the OP the child was in her arms

Worktop by my son while in her arms

[SilverApples]

Have you read the OP, mommy?
Or at least the first couple of sentences?

[HavantGuard]

And to all those saying 'what if it had been the child's mother etc', it wasn't. That's it. Are you trying to say that you wouldn't be wary of leaving your child alone in the care of someone when the last time it happened he was injured so badly he needed a skin graft? It's not just an emotional response, it's a logical one.

[AskBasil]

I do think the priority should not be the undermining of a parent, but the safety of a child.

I think it's better to undermine a parent who is too casual about safety than a parent who is too careful.

we don't know enough to say whether either of these is happening here

[SPsMrLoverManSHABBA]

Havant If it was an accident then no I wouldn't be wary. Why would I? Its not like she did it purposely

[steppemum]

there was a really good post which has been lost in the melee.

trydrawing made the point that when it happened to here, the issue was that she didn't feel her dh took it as seriously, so when dh was with MIL, she wasn't convinced he was supervising as closely as she would herself.

I think that is the issue here. You gf is wary of MIL, and doesn't trust you to have the same level of supervision as she would when MIL is around. That is something you have to work out with her.

Lots of talking and lots of time.

I do wonder how any families have ongoing relationships as according to mn we should stop trusting people over every single thing.

[IHaveSeenMyHat]

I sympathise with your girlfriend. Your mother displayed a serious lack of judgement, holding your son in her arms do close to a boiling kettle that he was able to pull it over himself. That was so preventable.

I think you need to go slowly with your GF. She'll trust your mum again, but it will take time.

[MommyBird]

Oh!
really should read twice

I am on your GF's side.
Why would you do that?!

My MIL looked after DD1 for a few hours as a baby..long story short she made her ill from smoking around her.
She has never looked after her again.

Why can't MIL come to your house? Why is that a problem?

[Andro]

But that is just not the same as letting a baby near boiling water in the home. That is reckless and irresponsible and totally avoidable.

Statements like this are why we really need some context (age and/or what actually happened). It could be that the MiL do something overtly irresponsible, equally it could be that she saw her grandchild crying/about to fall/trying to climb something and swept him up without thinking (DGS grabs the kettle cord on his way up and the accident happens.

[HavantGuard]

There's a difference between doing something deliberately and doing something foolish that is risky. I would never think there was malice. I would think that she took a risk I would never take with a child that isn't hers.

[WhenWhyWhere]

It might not be a post 'n run jobby as the OP only started the thread an hour ago!

Lee,
I think your girlfriend is undermining you. I understand her not wanting your DM to have sole charge of the baby but to not want her to see him if she isn't. There suggests she doesn't trust your parenting skills.

I'd try not to blow this up too much and would slowly try to get things onto a more reasonable level. What about your DM agreeing to attend a safety course (???) to show willing.

I hope your DS is ok now.

[LtEveDallas]

^call me over protective, but actually I wouldn't leave a baby old enough to roll on a bed or carry a child while handling a hot kettle

are ppl really that laid back about safety?^

Yes. Or they are just so fucking tired from complete lack of sleep that they aren't thinking straight and forget that baby learned to roll yesterday. Or they are desperately trying to boil a kettle to fill a bottle to feed a SCREAMING FOR THE LAST HOUR baby. Or they put the child on the floor, but burn them selves on the steam of the kettle and drop it. Or they fall over with their child in their arms. Or they collapse in a diabetic coma and child burns themselves on the defective panel heater. Or childs cot suddenly collapses with child in it. Or shelf above childs cot suddenly comes away from the wall. Or water tank in the loft above childs bedroom fails and floods.

All of those things have happened to me or people I know. Are the parents ALL at fault?

[curlew]

"My MIL looked after DD1 for a few hours as a baby..long story short she made her ill from smoking around her."

Absolutely she shouldn't smoke around a baby, and you had a perfect right to say she couldn't look after her is she insisted on smoking. You don't have to add the "she made her ill"- that weakens rather than strengthens your argument because it is unlikely that a couple of hours exposure to smoke out making a baby ill.

But smoking is a deliberate act. Not at all comparable to an accident. Which could happen to anyone. I shut my ds's hand in the car door and broke his finger- should my Dp have said I wasn't allowed to look after him alone again?