Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

740 replies

vr6lee · 09/01/2014 09:50

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP posts:
lookatmybutt · 09/01/2014 15:59

That was for SPShabba.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 16:00

I haven't compared anything! I have simply mentioned my experiences with other posters and how I react to things. I haven't mentioned the child at all when talking about that.

our I never said I don't care or I feed my child shite. I have explained that.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 09/01/2014 16:01

Having said this, your gf has not only had a horrendous shock: she is also having to live with the very unpleasant results of her child's serious burn. She needs your support to get over it, and you can't give her the support if you are constantly siding with your mother. As others have said: you can't rush this. Give her time.

I'm with this by Cory

you need to focus on your family of 3 right now and put them first. If you can't / won't do that then I guess your mum will get to see your ds with just you during your access time as your relationship won't survive.

One thing to remember is that I bet at some point your gf expressed concern about leaving your ds with your mum (as all new mothers do) and I bet you said "don't worry - he'll be fine." (as all husbands/partners do). She now undoubtedly blames herself for not 'listening to her instincts' and you for telling her it will be fine when it wasn't. Until she forgives you and herself she can't possibly forgive your mum.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 16:02

LtEve It's been ten days. He may well be staying at home and not visiting his mother grandmother. My point was about being scared when the other person who was in charge at the time was around.

But come to think of it, if the mother's mother was seeing him, I bet the OP would've mentioned it, to burnish his shiny hard-done-by-ness. The fact we haven't had a "her mum sees him" may be telling.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 16:02

^ten weeks

lookatmybutt · 09/01/2014 16:03

Shabs, if you just want to talk about your own experiences that according to you have absolutely no relation or relevance to the OPs situation maybe you should start your own chat thread or something.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 16:06

My experiences were mentioned to get my view across. How were they not valid? I didn't compare them I just said this is what I would do and this is what I did and what mum did.

Many people brought up things they had done to their child like slamming their hand in car doors, should they now go start a new thread?

My brother was burnt, I was saying how it happened and how family reacted to it. What's wrong with that? I didn't say everyone should do that.

It's a forum and people share experiences and give opinions. Sometimes we won't all share the same one

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 16:08

My injury wasn't small. It has scarred me for life and it changed my life. But I don't blame my mum.

Erm, that's great and all for you and her, but the emotions of a hurt child towards the parent, whom they love, who hurt them, even by accident, are quite different from the emotions of a parent who sees his/her child hurt by someone else. Even by accident.

I am quite relaxed about the fact my mother didn't realise my arm was broken, other than realising she's a thick mare.

I would be considerably less relaxed about her scalding my child...

Original poster
vr6lee · 09/01/2014 16:11

I'll clear up a few more things, I'm actually 32, GF is 24. Yes I'm quite layed back but am very aware of hazards due to past jobs and would like to think very level headed. GF is a bit feisty and is normally me that resolves arguments. GF openly lies to her father all the time and I have expressed my concern but to do it to my mother was entirely avoidable. The lie was simply about where she was but was caught out and when my mother expressed her concern it kicked off the pettiness.
The sweets I referred to was actually just a tub of custard when he was just starting to eat solids, not the crime of the century! And the crying was morning nap time, not exactly disrupting bedtime routing at night.
Many of you may say this is wrong but I was happy to let it slide, my GM was the same and it never did me any harm. But the GF lets all hell break loose!!!
I think you all realise its obvious that I have accepted this is an accident, I was furious at the time and for the weeks after we were at the hospital, but when I have my mother apologising profusely and almost begging to see her grandson. I feel I'm stuck a bit in the middle.
I know 10 weeks does not heal much but we seem to be going backwards now in the apparent lack of trust in me, sorry but this is what really got me going. I always thought I was a reasonable person and thought my son should be seeing he GM again.
For the record My mother did ask to speak to GF in private a few weeks after the accident but the GF refused. I will ask for that to happen again.

I'm not a mothers boy and my son comes no.1 BUT
There seems some hard faced mothers on here, you need to evolve from prim-evil ape like attitude to join the rest of the civilised rational human race who can give compassion and forgiveness. And also realise that when accidents like this happen you become hyper aware of hazard which I'm sure my mother would be! Hence why I think why my son would be perfectly safe with her especially with me overlooking.

OP posts:
DizzyZebra · 09/01/2014 16:11

Your girlfriend is being a prick and if my partner tried tontell me i couldnt take MY child somewhere i wiuld leave him. Controlling and not on.
I understand her nit wanting to leave him alone but she has ni right to stop you.
Id just walk out with the child if i were you and tell her to grow up.

Whatwouldmumdo · 09/01/2014 16:12

I blame my ex mil for taking my child to visit a family member who had a dog that was known to be
a vicious little shit snappy. Dd was bitten on her face and scarred. I never forgave her or the owner of the dog.

My hatred lessened over time but I refused to allow her to see dd without me for some years and put strict conditions on things. It was my way of taking control after something had happened to my child that would affect them forever. OP I'm with your gf all the way

SilverApples · 09/01/2014 16:14

'you need to evolve from prim-evil ape like attitude to join the rest of the civilised rational human race who can give compassion and forgiveness.'

Good luck with your relationship lasting.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 16:15

Where's your compassion for your girlfriend, eh?

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 16:16

He was fine last term, just not this time round. I think it could be because his friend wasnt around.

It was the the fact he kept saying people hate him that got to me as I don't know where he picked that up from.

Never seen him like it before.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 16:16

Ffs. Sorry, wrong thread

BunnyLebowski · 09/01/2014 16:17

Oh wow.

I feel even more sorry for your girlfriend right now. Here's hoping she's currently realising what kind of man she's with and will do something about it. For herself and her baby.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/01/2014 16:23
Hmm

Good luck to your girlfriend. You sound like an idiot. No wonder your gf does not trust you and your mum together to keep your son safe.

lookatmybutt · 09/01/2014 16:25

I am not a mother, so perhaps I'm not a 'prim-evil' ape. At least I have some fucking sense, unlike you OP.

Do you know what the word 'compromise' means? Your girlfriend hasn't refused contact.

If I was your girlfriend, I'd tell you to go fuck yourself. You've obviously already decided in advance that you are not being unreasonable, so I don't know what you've bothered to post here. I feel compassion for your girlfriend, not you. It's all about you and mumsy, isn't it? Plus forgiveness comes later and is not automatic or planned.

Also: that's nice Dizzy. Playpen's thataway ---->

QuintessentialShadows · 09/01/2014 16:25

you need to evolve from prim-evil ape like attitude to join the rest of the civilised rational human race

Do you not realize that this makes you sound at best unhinged?

MinesAPintOfTea · 09/01/2014 16:26

Why can't your mum come with your gf supervising? Ie accept the compromise offered...

As for the historic stuff, giving a baby a pot of sugar and potential allergens during early weaning is not going to go down well on here. And why was your gf obliged to tell your dm where she was?

pictish · 09/01/2014 16:26

I agree with you OP. Good luck with it all. x

notmyproblem · 09/01/2014 16:29

So why are you even with this evil awful GF? Dump her OP then you can get visiting rights and let your DM see your son all you want. Hmm

SomethingkindaOod · 09/01/2014 16:30

Popped back in, glad the OP did as well. He has a point you know, having a go at him and feeling sorry for his gf over his supposed attitude doesn't exactly show civilised behaviour or a propensity for compassion! Some of the comments about him and his mother have been vile, I'm just surprised that he hasn't been accused of being abusive yet.
OP give them both time and space, stop pushing them. Just because you've been capable of sorting out your feelings about the accident fairly quickly doesn't mean that your gf should be the same. Encourage them slowly to spend time together and try and get your mum to back off pushing for more contact and to see your GF's way of thinking. Ask your gf to at least be civil to your mum.

LtEveDallas · 09/01/2014 16:37

OK, Fuck me, OP has probably just read PAGES AND PAGES of him and his mother being slagged off - and you expect him NOT to react in anger?

Seriously, before you all put the boot in some more put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself how you'd feel if you'd read nigh on 500 posts telling you how shit you are and how controlling your mother is.

Divinity · 09/01/2014 16:39

Why do you feel you gf needs to talk to your mum in private? Far better to support your gf, have access st the moment at your house so you gf feels you are supporting her. Then your mum can say what she needs in front of you both. That's important. Present a united front.

If you continue to say your gf is being unreasonable and push for your form of contact your gf will not react well. She will feel undermined. Support your gf first then slowly build up the trust with your mum.