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AIBU?

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Original poster

Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

740 replies

vr6lee · 09/01/2014 09:50

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP posts:
SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 15:22

So when would be suitable for a child to visit Grandmas house? Only when the mother says so because only the mother can be hurt and upset about it?

Its a load of bollocks.

lookatmybutt · 09/01/2014 15:24

Really, OP, please do grow some sense. It's only been 10 weeks and I kind of get the impression that your family are riding roughshod over your girlfriend's feelings. She may very well relax after a bit of time.

I know a lot of people scarred for life after skin grafts following burns in childhood (hoorah, 1970s!). It's going to take her a while to get over that and it was a preventable accident. It was your mother's fault.

Yes, it's not the end of the world - but believe you me, some idiots will comment on scars as your son grows up. He will likely deal with it just fine, but mum needs a bit of time.

As for 'father's needs' HA! At the moment, the girlfriend seems to be the one needing more consideration.

TIME NEEDED! You get the fuck over a stubbed toe, not a skin graft.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 15:24

Respecting his girlfriend's wishes? "My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened." "she can see him as she really does love him to bits."

There isn't a single fucking acknowledgement of what his girlfriend is going through here. Of course, it's possible that actually, this is a troll, because I'm surprised the child would be out and about for trips like this yet. Maybe no man or woman in this situation would actually be this insensitive. Y'know?

But carry on with trying to stick up for arseholes, just to be different from the "MIL-hating" crowd.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/01/2014 15:24

Burn Treatment - At home by the parent.

Child realises that its dressing needs time and starts begging no.
Take off layers and layers of dressing. Remove the last breathable layer.
Child screams in pain.
Put on burn cream containing silver.
Child screams in pain.
Put on top layer
Child screams in pain,
Start wrapping in soft dressing
Child is distraught
Wrap in bandages and then sticking plaster stuff.
Child is even more distraught.

Repeat twice a day, every day.

Theodorous · 09/01/2014 15:24

He doesn't need to do that. It was a one off ACCIDENT

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/01/2014 15:26

If you were doing that, SP, how keen would YOU be for the child to go back to the place where the accident happened, with the person they were with when the accident happened.

It took my DH nearly 2 years to be able to back into the cafe where my DS's accident happened.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 15:27

keema don't you know, SP says it's just like how she feels when her son comes back from her ex's with a bump on the head.

Don't try arguing with her. You only know medical reality.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 15:27

But carry on with trying to stick up for arseholes, just to be different from the "MIL-hating" crowd

Who is sticking up for arseholes? I'm saying what I think about the situation.

You don't have to agree!

Nothing to do with been different, just because I don't think the mother is the be all and end all.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 15:31

No, according to you, she's not a person at all. She isn't allowed to be upset. If she is, she has to just deal with it. To you, her feeling are worth fuck all. Because you don't get upset by bumps on the head...

MIL can't possibly come to their house. No way. Something back happens when we try and acknowledge people's feelings, right?

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 15:31

*bad

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/01/2014 15:31

Its not about the mum being the be all and end all.
Its not about hating MILs.
Its about the child going through an absolutely horrific injury with long and far reaching consequences and their mother trying to get their head around it, which can take a long, long time.

OY!

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 15:32

If its an accident then its an accident. Plenty of accidents have happened to people I know and they are able to realise it was just that an accident.

I haven't said its like that at all. I have explained about how accidents are treated by me and by family. I mentioned my brother been burnt while in care of my nanna, mum damaging my leg after been run over etc

My opinion on this isn't going to change. I have explained why and if people cant deal with that then that's their problem.

Not everyone will agree with you on everything.

GarlicReturns · 09/01/2014 15:32

:( Keema. Sorry you & DS had to go through all that.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 15:34

No according to you, she's not a person at all. She isn't allowed to be upset. If she is, she has to just deal with it. To you, her feeling are worth fuck all. Because you don't get upset by bumps on the head

Tell.me where I said any of that?

I haven't said she shouldn't feel. I haven't mentioned her. I stated how I and family have dealt with accidents in the past.

MinesAPintOfTea · 09/01/2014 15:37

No one has said the mil should be cut out, they're said that she should come to them when the gf is there to rebuild the trust rather than cutting the gf out of interactions.

And the op soups put his wife first unless she's definitely in the wrong rather than putting his mother first as a default.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/01/2014 15:38

Yes, but small accidents are small accidents.

My DD has come home from my parents with a bump on the head or a graze on the knee and once even a bruise under her eye.

Thats a million years away from a hideous injury.

cory · 09/01/2014 15:39

My dd ended up unconscious in hospital when she was in my care.
There was a moment when it became clear that the paed was trying to prepare us for the worst. I know it was a horrendous shock for dh. He knew it had happened because I made a crap decision. But he has never once suggested that I should not be allowed to care for our children.

Having said this, your gf has not only had a horrendous shock: she is also having to live with the very unpleasant results of her child's serious burn. She needs your support to get over it, and you can't give her the support if you are constantly siding with your mother. As others have said: you can't rush this. Give her time.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 15:39

To you, wanting to keep her freshly injured son at her house is unreasonable. On this page alone, it's "be all and end all" to give her basic consideration to you. It's constantly "well, I'm fine with bumps on the head" and "what about the father" and "she's controlling". Because 10 weeks ago, she let her son go somewhere and he got scalded there and now wants to keep him at his own house, where she can see him.

I stand by what I said. Just because you didn't come out and say that doesn't mean it's not your posts all mean.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 09/01/2014 15:41

Thanks Garlic. 6 years from the accident. 3 years since the end of teh pressure garments. 6 months since our last yearly consultant visit to make sure that the burn is growing with him so he doesn't need more surgury.

About two days since DS complained that it hurts when the bath water is too hot as he still needs tepid baths, or asked me about why he has a scar, or tells me he hates having a scar as he gets teased.

A bit more than a bump on the head, eh?

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 15:44

My posts mean exactly what I write. No need trying to read between lines. I type what I think.

My injury wasn't small. It has scarred me for life and it changed my life. But I don't blame my mum.

I didn't compare small accidents to hideous ones. I just stated my opinions and my experience.

I haven't said she is unreasonable for keeping him in the house. If you read my posts Ibe been replying to posters who say been the mum is basically more important than been the father and how they wouldn't let their partner take kids out alone as cant be trusted to not give them sweets.

I haven't commented on the woman who's child this is. I've been talking about posters on the thread.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 15:45

Keema Why keep going on about a bump on the head? Have I compares your sons accident with anything? I have not. I didn't compare this child's accident with a bump either.

Thurlow · 09/01/2014 15:53

The thing is, pretty much all of this is a moot point without knowing what actually happened.

MIL wandering around with a wriggling, mobile toddler on her hip and carrying boiling water would probably be a sign of a general lack of safety.

Toddler suddenly climbing on something or reaching a surface he'd never been able to, in the way that kids all of a sudden do something you'd never imagined they could do - horrible accident.

LtEveDallas · 09/01/2014 15:56

now wants to keep him at his own house, where she can see him

Oh right, I didn't realise that the child wasn't going to his other GPs house either. That's fair enough then if he isn't leaving his home at all.

ouryve · 09/01/2014 15:58

SP - just because you couldn't care less what your child eats, it doesn't mean that others should feel the same. Many parents - mothers and fathers - would like their children to eat as well as possible, for a variety of reasons.

lookatmybutt · 09/01/2014 15:58

Yes, you have constantly compared what happened to you with what happened to the OP's son. And everything else Jessie said.

You are being very disingenuous. I can't believe that you can't see the very strong implications of your posts.

I'd also add that many people have suggested compromise. Even the girlfriend's compromise of contact taking place at her house for the time being seems to be unacceptible to you.

You will probably say I'm wrong about that too, but you can call it a very strong inference on my part. Call it Dave. Call it bullshit. I don't care.