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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Scalded son, mother punishing grandparent, is this reasonable?

740 replies

vr6lee · 09/01/2014 09:50

My mother had an accident with my son, to cut a long story short the kettle ended up being pulled from the worktop by my son while in her arms, this ended up scalding the bottom of his leg and top of his foot ending in a skin graft.
My mother is devastated and has really struggled with whats happened. But my girlfriend is not helping at all. She has said she doesn't want her near my son again and will never look after him again. I have talked her round and my mun has been able to see my son a few times. There is tension between my girlfriend and my mother now so I have offered to take my son up to my mothers so she can see him as she really does love him to bits. But my girlfriend has poo poo'ed this and says the only way she is seeing him is at our house when she is present.
I think this is undermining me as a father as I have said I would be present at all times just to ease her mind, but I can now only come to one conclusion and that she is doing this to punish my mother by making it as difficult as possible for her to see her grandson.

My question to other mothers is do you think this is fair behavior or is she being very harsh.

Thanks in advance for any opinions.

Lee

OP posts:
MoominsYonisAreScary · 09/01/2014 14:42

Because the op has said its causing tension so he has offered to take the dc to visit them, if the gf doesnt want the mil seeing the dc at all the atmosphere probably isnt very nice for any of them, including the child

LittleThorinOakenshield · 09/01/2014 14:43

There was absolutely no suggestion of childhood trauma in the OP.

We could all win the argument if we made stuff up.

Of course if the child is deeply traumatised by going to the house you wouldn't force him!

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 14:44

Hmm Yourself, SP It's hardly hysterical to suggest a little boy might be scared of the house.

As for there doesn't have to be a reason? Well, I generally need a good reason to do something with our children that I know would terrify my husband. Is this unusual? I like to do this thing called "talking". He does it with me, too.

pictish · 09/01/2014 14:44

I think the gf is using this dreadful accident as a means to push her mil out of the picture, because she doesn't like her.
What's more - the OP thinks it too. And he would know.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:45

lurking No I dont know people who research schools. Pick the closest or by word of mouth. People just feed their children, they don't think about what carbs, veg etc they have had.

BlueEyes48 · 09/01/2014 14:45

SPs I understand that but I just don't understand why the OP's mother cannot come to their house too see her grandson, or why the girlfriend cannot be present when her son is visiting his grandmother. Not forever but whilst the accident is still very present in her mind. Of course the OP should be able to visit his mum with his son and I'm sure in the future that this would be fine but she probably feels guilt and anxiety when it comes to leaving her son.

OP if there is tension between your girlfriend and your mum I would suggest sitting down and talking about it with both of them present.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 14:46

My husband worries about diet. I'm going to start ignoring him and feeding them whatever crap I find convenient. Should work well.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:47

There does not have to be a reason for a child to visit a grandparent. Who says the gf is terrified?

It is hysterical how you put it. So the child should never visit his grandmothers house ever again?

LouiseSmith · 09/01/2014 14:47

Accidents happen, it was serious and he was hurt, but it could have been a lot worse.

I think shes being unreasonable. but give it time, she may come around.

ukatlast · 09/01/2014 14:48

Quote youknowwhoagain 'Its fucking sweets not crack.'

An 18 month old can choke on a sweet. More dangerous than tooth decay.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:48

Why does it only matter what the GF wants?

Just because she is the mother? That's doesn't mean anything.

As previously stated if roles were reversed on this thread he would have been called controlling and how mother knows best and all that shite

treaclesoda · 09/01/2014 14:49

an 18 month old can choke on an organic sugar free wheat free breadstick too Confused

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:49

UK an adult can choke on a sweet. What's your point?

LurkingNineToFive · 09/01/2014 14:50

so sp are you saying i should do the same and not give a hoot what dd eats and what school she goes to? i think you’ll find in my area(oversubscribed for schools) the vast majority of people care a huge amount about their children’s health and education I find it odd that your implying there is something wrong with that?

Toecheese · 09/01/2014 14:50

See I think you should be backing GF up with no sweets in relation to dinner. Its basic common sense. It sounds to me like you are under your parents thumb and not seeing things from your girlfriend view at all. I think she's right to give your mum a wide birth as animal instinct wants her to keep her little one safe. Maybe she doesn't trust you completely either because you seem very easily swayed by your parents.

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:51

Never implied there was something odd. Just couldn't understand why that's a reason to decide a partner and father of your child/children cant have a say.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 09/01/2014 14:51

An 18;month old can choke on grapes, we dont know what sweets he had or if they were a choking hazzard. Or even if the mother has a problem with sweets or just not when dinner hasnt been eaten.

LtEveDallas · 09/01/2014 14:52

You know I've just remembered another incident.

My friend has a rat.
I took DD to see friend, DD was told not to put her fingers in the rats cage, because it would bite.
DD stuck her finger in the cage, and the rat bit her.
Next day we were at MILs. I had gone shopping. DH was looking after DD.
DH allowed DD to make mud pies in the garden.
DSD got DD to help her make a snowman in the garden.
That night DDs finger swelled up to twice the size, and DD was in pain.

Took DD to A&E, they said the bite was infected and she needed to be admitted for IV antibiotics.

The antibiotics took 48 hours to work, whilst this was ongoing DD's arm swelled and they needed to 'cut' her to reduce the swelling.

The hospital said the infection could have been caused by the rat, cat faeces, or by the strong disinfectant that FIL used to swill down the yard.

So whose fault was it - who should be blamed?

Friend for owning evil bitey rat?
DD for not doing as she was told?
Me for not watching DD and letting rat bite her?
DH for letting DD make mud pies in a garden with cat shit and disinfectant?
DSD for letting DD make a snowman in a garden with cat shit and disinfectant?
MIL for not clearing up cat shit in the garden?
FIL for using industrial disinfectant in the garden?

Help me. I need to know who to blame and immediately stop my DD from seeing them from now on.....

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 14:52

Of course she's terrified, SP. The last time the child went there, he got seriously burned, and ended up needing skin grafts.

Let's take all this MIL stuff out of the equation, because it's clouding it.

You child goes to nursery or school. While there, he is seriously injured by another child, requiring hospitalisation. Other child perhaps didn't mean to do it, but you have received no assurances from the school they will make sure it doesn't happen again. The staff just keep saying "ah it was an accident".

Would you really go, "meh"?

fluffyraggies · 09/01/2014 14:52

Isn't the idea of a couple parenting a child together that they sit down and agree on how they are going to proceed?

I'm sad to hear about all this she can do it her way when she's in charge and he has the right to do it his way when he's in charge.

A child isn't a basket of washing Hmm A child's parents should have a united front re: upbringing. Especially in the early years.

I think that although the sweets and sleeping routine things seem trivial - the tragedy that has recently taken place has given them more importance in the mothers mind. ie: my ILs have different ideas to me and and my DP doesn't seem too inclined to stick up for my way.

While OP trivialises his GFs worries, or allows his parents to, he wont gain any trust form her. Ultimately what does he want? The battle of who's right and who's wrong to be won at any cost? Or to help his GF overcome her intense anxiety and bring her and his mother together? So sad to read so many comments talking about his right to do what he likes with his child as he is a parent too. I would hope that my DH would try to understand my anxiety and help me through it rather than take our child and drive off full of his sense of right :(

I cannot believe the lack of sympathy being shown towards the mental state of the mother of this child, who is not here on the thread to put her side remember, after someone in whom she had placed trust burned her baby son's legs badly enough for skin grafts just 10 weeks ago.

ouryve · 09/01/2014 14:53

If I was a childminder, with someone else's children, as sole carer for 9 hours every weekday, then it would be a job. The boys both have ASD. My 7yo has recently started removing his pull ups. As sole carer at the end of the Christmas holidays, while DH was at work, I had to formulate a response that would help him learn what to do with his new found bladder full recognition and not wee all over the sofa. Even more so than with a toddler, consistency is really important, or else he can't learn. I need DH, when he is co-parenting with me in the evening and at the weekend to support me and follow up in the same way. If he can think of something that improves what I am doing, then great, we'll try it. Together. If he were so say no, I can't be bothered with that, then go and do his own thing, he would be undermining all the work I'd been doing and confusing poor DS2.

Toecheese · 09/01/2014 14:53

I think it's very reasonable for the granny to see the child in mothers house. Over time the granny can prove she is responsible and able to take care of child properly.

TheBigJessie · 09/01/2014 14:54

As previously stated if roles were reversed on this thread he would have been called controlling and how mother knows best and all that shite

I disagree. I think men would be allowed to feel scared about their MIL injuring their child again. Especially if they posted on their own behalf, and relayed a back-story...

MoominsYonisAreScary · 09/01/2014 14:54

But the op has reassured her that he will supervise the visit

SPsMrLoverManSHABBA · 09/01/2014 14:54

Yes if it was an accident!

Just as I let my son go to my mums after what stepdad did, why he goes to his dads when he has come home with bumps etc

Its not like it was done on purpose so why wouldn't you let them go again?