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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of comments by my overweight boss?

79 replies

remotecontrols · 08/01/2014 22:55

Yes I know you are going to say what has mentioning her weight got to do with it.

My boss is morbidly obese, doesn't make any difference to me whatever her weight is. She is generally good but I am getting sick and tired of her constant comments about food and weight.

She is always going on about food and keeps asking me if I have eaten. Not sure what concern it is of hers. When I do get my lunch out, usually a salad of some sort, she tells me to "stop eating like a silly scarecrow". I am a size 10 so hardly a scarecrow!

I now avoid eating in front of her. She regularly brings in cake and biscuits and keeps checking if I have eaten them.

She regularly mentions my lack of cleavage, she is something like a GG.

She says I am weak and have no strength

It seems like it is ok for her to criticise me, my size and what I eat but if it was the reverse it woud be deemed as unacceptable.

Aibu to make some comments back or should I just tell her I am tired of it?

OP posts:
RandyRudolf · 08/01/2014 22:58

I know someone like this. He transfers his own issues with food onto others by constantly commenting and criticising what they eat. So bloody annoying!

ArtexMonkey · 08/01/2014 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 08/01/2014 23:00

I think i'd issue one 'shutup' and id she carried on i's warn her she was on her way to having an harrasment case opened against her. (Even if thats not possible i'd threaten it)

Biedronka · 08/01/2014 23:03

Yanbu and I imagine it's tricky to not reply with ' I don't want to fat/unhealthy' when she is.

I would maybe try with 'thanks but I enjoy the food that I eat, don't worry I eat enough calories for my size and I'm healthy'

If it's really pissing you off then tell her straight.

Nancy66 · 08/01/2014 23:05

Just ask to have a private word with her and tell her that you would like her to stop commenting on your: body, weight, eating habits. As it's unprofessional and nothing to do with her.

clarinetV2 · 08/01/2014 23:08

YANBU, but I'd go a bit carefully because she almost certainly has problems around food and doesn't know how to have normal conversations about/around it. Next time she does it I would respond with something like, 'Look, I know you mean to be kind, and you're concerned about me, but it makes me uncomfortable when you comment on what I'm eating or not eating. Please can we talk about something else?' If it continues I'd repeat a similar request once - and then get rather more assertive and start talking harassment.

maddening · 08/01/2014 23:13

it is unacceptable - is she owner of the company or a manager? If the latter I would go to hr - I don't know how you can tackle it if she is the owner - tough - she obviously has issues relating to food but her behaviour is inappropriate and you shouldn't have to deal with it.

Lilacroses · 08/01/2014 23:15

No Yanbu at all. That would really, really bug me. It does sound as though your relative size is making her feel as if she has to be defensive about her own size or perhaps she is like this with everyone. Not fair on you at all though. How do you think she would react if you challenged her about it?

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin · 08/01/2014 23:17

It's absolutely unacceptable and bordering on harassment.

If your size isn't affecting your job, it has nothing to do with her.

Obviously she has forgotten this, so i think you may have to tactfully remind her.

Original poster
remotecontrols · 08/01/2014 23:27

I agree I need to say something but I am concerned that she may think I am criticising her size in some convoluted way as she is very sensitive about it.

She does make comments about other slim people too usually in a negative way. She can be very harsh, I think this is why people rarely challenge her. A guy in our department lost 3 stone doing the fasting diet. I congratulated him. She criticised the whole concept of the fasting diet and said it was dangerous to his health.

She is the manager and deals with HR issues too so I can't go to another HR person.

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 09/01/2014 00:08

I would try and eat somewhere she cannot see you and hence cannot comment, but that may not be possible. I share an office with someone with weight problems and she seems to eat all the time. But that's not my problem so I don't mention it. You may be best to say something along the lines of my body, my choice! Alternatively tell her to fuck off, you'll eat what you want....she's not your keeper :)

UncleT · 09/01/2014 00:27

She might be the manager, but is she really top of the chain?

You need to politely and calmly explain that you don't find it appropriate and you'd like it to stop. Don't be rude, be firm and clear. If that doesn't get the desired effect, take off the gloves and submit a grievance formally to whoever her boss is. If that doesn't work and it keeps getting bad, go external (employment tribunal). Do join a union if possible.

Please ignore any recommendations to be inappropriately rude to her in response. It will do you no favours in any future action against her, though ideally things need not get that far.

UncleT · 09/01/2014 00:28

Oh, and make sure you record everything. Times, dates, locations, witnesses etc.

Spermysextowel · 09/01/2014 00:46

What is your sickness record like? Perhaps you could use it as a way in - maybe request a meeting & ask her if her worries about your diet are in any way connected with concerns about your absence or performance?

This might be a subtle way of reminding her that as neither of these is an issue then what you eat is no concern of hers.

Bubblegoose · 09/01/2014 03:57

"I agree I need to say something but I am concerned that she may think I am criticising her size in some convoluted way as she is very sensitive about it."

Well that would be her issue then wouldn't it? Your issue is that she is commenting about YOU. Do what Nancy66 suggested and tell her very succinctly and civilly that you do not like or want comments about your body or your diet.

WitchWay · 09/01/2014 07:21

She brings in cake & biscuits & checks whether you have eaten them? - she's jealous & trying to fatten you up so she doesn't look so enormous - very strange Hmm

I'd politely decline the stooge (unless you want it of course) - tell her you have a wheat sensitivity or something Grin

I'd also be quite blunt to her about her own size if she persisted - but that's just me - assuming she didn't have the power to sack me...

WitchWay · 09/01/2014 07:21

stooge = stodge Bloody autocorrect

Original poster
remotecontrols · 09/01/2014 07:24

I don't want the cakes and biscuits, there are always loads in the office.

I do wonder whether she wants to fatten me up. Just recently I told her that I am on a gluten free diet because I have been having some trouble with IBS. A complete lie but I said it just to try and stop her brining cakes and biscuits to my desk. It did work for a while until I had a sandwich one day. Oops!

OP posts:
WitchWay · 09/01/2014 07:29

You could still use the IBS lie - tell her you have to be vary careful & only certain brands are OK

Or just tell her you don't want them because "I don't want to put on weight and become enormous like you "

WitchWay · 09/01/2014 07:32

Seriously I think you have to have a proper talk to her about it & ask her to stop. Is there someone else at work who could support you (and bear witness)?

softlysoftly · 09/01/2014 07:40

witch using nasty words back like stodge and enormous isn't great either. What the woman is doing isn't acceptable whether she's thin or fat.

It's a form of bullying and I think you are going to have to go to the next level up remote do you know that person?

Original poster
remotecontrols · 09/01/2014 07:40

I actually dont want to put weight on. I put on weight quite easily so have to watch what I eat. If I want a cake I will have one, but one of my choosing not because someone has brought a load of cakes to the office. I know I am a coward to be using the IBS lie.

She had made comments to me but not to others, she does say things about others but not to their face. I sit in an adjoining office to her that has the door open all the time.

If there was someone else she made the comments to then I could ask them to support me and bear witness.

I think I should say something. I need to phrase it carefully.

To the person who was asking about my sick record, very good, only 3 days off last year for a throat infection

OP posts:
Original poster
remotecontrols · 09/01/2014 07:43

The next person up is the head of department, he is very friendly with the line manager and they socialise outside of work. He drinks a lot of and ends up telling her all sorts of things that people have said to him in confidence. He is fiercely supportive of her and has gone as far to give her an interest free loan to get a deposit on a house she is going to buy

OP posts:
Toecheese · 09/01/2014 07:51

'I don't want to discuss food' every time

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 09/01/2014 07:54

Agree with Clarinet!