Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To be sick of comments by my overweight boss?

79 replies

remotecontrols · 08/01/2014 22:55

Yes I know you are going to say what has mentioning her weight got to do with it.

My boss is morbidly obese, doesn't make any difference to me whatever her weight is. She is generally good but I am getting sick and tired of her constant comments about food and weight.

She is always going on about food and keeps asking me if I have eaten. Not sure what concern it is of hers. When I do get my lunch out, usually a salad of some sort, she tells me to "stop eating like a silly scarecrow". I am a size 10 so hardly a scarecrow!

I now avoid eating in front of her. She regularly brings in cake and biscuits and keeps checking if I have eaten them.

She regularly mentions my lack of cleavage, she is something like a GG.

She says I am weak and have no strength

It seems like it is ok for her to criticise me, my size and what I eat but if it was the reverse it woud be deemed as unacceptable.

Aibu to make some comments back or should I just tell her I am tired of it?

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/01/2014 08:04

Open your diary, look at your watch, lick your pencil and slowly write down 'what was said, by whom and at what time'. Close diary. Take diary home each day.
If she asks what you are doing say 'I have been advised to record every instance of bullying' and say no more.

Hatice · 09/01/2014 08:06

Maybe you could get a copy of John Yudkin's Pure white and deadly and leave on your desk. Say after reading this you are trying to reduce sugar in your diet. It gives you a reason to refuse cakes but still eat your sandwiches.

www.ebay.co.uk/ctg/pure-white-and-deadly-sugar-killing-us-and-we-can-do-stop-john-yudkin-paperback-2012-/128866760?clk_rvr_id=571114011030&afsrc=1#pbe-rvws

pinkdelight · 09/01/2014 08:06

What's the betting that if you say you don't want her to comment on your food/weight that she'll interpret it as you having the issue and decide you're anorexic or at risk and need even more hassling?!

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 09/01/2014 08:20

This isn't about food except in the mind of this unfortunate woman. This is about unprofessional behaviour constituting harassment.

OP: If your manager and the HoD have a close personal relationship outside work, you would be justified in going over both their heads. The interest free loan alarms me considerably. And as a pp has said, keeping a diary is a good idea. Don't be overt though; record if you can and then transcribe.

creighton · 09/01/2014 08:20

do not get into a tit for tat situation with her. just log the things she says, without giving her any notice. take the information home/or send it home via email. take the evidence of bullying to personnel rather than the next manager in line and let them deal with it. she is creating a hostile work environment.

Preciousbane · 09/01/2014 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlumpPartridge · 09/01/2014 08:35

How about reacting like this when she says something?

"Thanks, I do love cake/biscuits/whatever, but I'm scared that if I start in on them then I won't stop!"

Then when she presses you, say "No, I'm definitely sure I don't want one, but thank you."

And if she REALLY insists then give a false smile, take a piece and leave it on the desk all day/put it in the bin. And if she queries that, say that you decided you really did not want any and 'should have stuck to your guns and not given in to peer pressure'. Then smile sweetly

Do this every time and surely she'll get the idea or else she is being deliberately obtuse

nauticant · 09/01/2014 08:46

I'd echo the helpful comments about keeping a record if what she says and when and where she says it.

DontmindifIdo · 09/01/2014 08:54

I am a coward and go for the IBS lie again, say you tried reintroducing gluten and it wasn't a success. If she sees you eating a sandwich, you're trying out gluten free bread. Cakes and biscuits "gosh they look yummy, but my IBS is playing up again, if I have that it won't be pleasant to be the next one to use the bathroom!"

I worked wit someone like this, in te end I took a similar cowards way out, unspecified colourings allergy was mine, complete with having a look at ingredience lists on back of biscuit packets and then looking sad I couldn't have one...

eventually they get it you can't eat crap. However, the sharing of food might be not about feeding you up, if she equates food with treats, pleasure etc, it could be her way of being kind and teamy to share treat foods. You can join in /retrain her towards things you "can have" by bringing in things to share yourself like strawberries, plums, grapes, other 'treat' fruits - you can make comments about a way you can get your "sugar hit without the gluten" - ok, still not great, but better for your waist line, you can offer it to her, so you are doing the 'food is social' thing with her.

But mainly, I found it easier ot deal with an obsese (male) boss was to realise he had a very unhealthy relationship with food, his critsism of my eating was a projection of his own food issues, it was his inner dialogue about food I was hearing, not a comment on my diet.

CuChullain · 09/01/2014 09:03

She sounds fairly insecure to be honest and seems keen to force her crap eating habits on to you in order to validate her poor diet. You are a healthy size 10 yet she feels the need to make derogatory comments about your bust or allude to some eating disorder with her scarecrow comments. Sign up to some 10km fun run/race, bring your gym kit into the office and politely decline any insistent offers of cake as you are ‘in training’.

Motherinlawsdung · 09/01/2014 09:12

Keep a food container in your desk drawer and shove her sugar-laden crap in it. Take it home and stamp in it.

softlysoftly · 09/01/2014 09:49

Don't lie! You are just justifying her comments about you being the one with food issues. Either go above both their heads or have yhe phrase "no and I don't appreciate comments about my body, I'm sure you can appreciate that" and repeat every single time.

Spermysextowel · 09/01/2014 09:49

OP I assumed that your sickness record was good. I thought that bringing it up in a meeting re her comments as a 'concern' would demonstrate to her that you aren't weak or lacking strength but more the opposite & that her remit extends to your performance & not your choices. I still think
I'm putting it badly so; she makes comments about your food; you ask her to meet so that you can say 'gosh, I'm hardly ever sick & I think I do my job well, so what is it about my diet that we need to talk about in terms of my
ability to do my job?'

I thought it'd be a subtle way of making a point & giving her
a boundary, but maybe it just came out sounding like I think anyone under size 12 is ill all the time. Sorry!

Athrodiaeth · 09/01/2014 09:59

"Let's not discuss food, weight and eating habits, shall we?"

TheFuzz · 09/01/2014 10:01

I'd just drop in a sarcastic comment about her weight and the amount of crap she is eating if she has a dig.

HowlingTrap · 09/01/2014 10:01

I can totally see your point op, its seems very unrelenting, her being your boss doesn't help either as the power dynamic is un even.how dare she comment on your boobs, or lack therof, thats a very personal comment.

SaucyJack · 09/01/2014 10:06

YANBU.

Don't make up stories about food intolerances tho or say it's you that doesn't want to discuss food- or she'll keep being able to pretend you're the one with the problem.

You need to find a polite, yet clear way of telling her to stop transferring her food issues onto you.

specialsubject · 09/01/2014 10:22

stop talking about diets with her, or anyone else - boring subject and indicates poor food choices anyway.

but more importantly, just say ' can we keep our conversation to work issues please'. Repeat as necessary.

livelablove · 09/01/2014 11:18

Op I feel sorry for this woman in a way, she clearly has issues regarding food and her size and has adopted this aggressive way as a defence mechanism. However she is bullying you and there is only one way to deal with bullying unless you can complain and then move to a different department, but if you have to stay you need to be extremely assertive. That is the only way to deal with a bully. You have to be confident say what you think, don't apologise and have that glint in your eye that says c'mon punk make my day. You totally don't need to be rude and say something unkind about her weight, but don't consider her feelings so much that you tiptoe around her. Be professional so she can't do anything against you, but be tough too. Its hard to do this if you are not naturally assertive but you have to get into the zone and channel your inner Karen Brady.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/01/2014 11:24

Could you confront her? Say something like, "Why is it so important to you that I eat that cake/biscuit, when I have told you that I don't want to?" Or "Did you mean that to be as personal and offensive as it sounded?" when she makes a comment about your weight/body type/strength? And follow the question with a polite but quizzical look.

Joysmum · 09/01/2014 12:25

Just say, "I'll do you a deal, you stop commenting on my eating habits and I won't start commenting on yours!"

ilovemikehunt · 09/01/2014 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CiderBomb · 09/01/2014 13:02

I've noticed that a lot of very overweight women have this kind of attitude towards slimmer women. They have this deluded belief that being the size of a house makes them "real women". I suppose it's a self defence mechanism, but it's actually really unfair and out of order.

I can only imagine the furore if this was twisted on its head and the OP had offered her boss a Slimfast shake or something...

livelablove · 09/01/2014 13:20

How funny that Karen Brady is like that too. I never suspected! Ok how about channeling Claire Balding, she seems nice but tough and takes no nonsense. I will be very disappointed if I am wrong about her.

Even if you do make a complaint I still think you need to do the assertiveness thing.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/01/2014 13:32

I am the size of a house - and I am a real woman. But I know that I am no more or less 'real' than any other woman, whatever their size. And I know plenty of other overweight women, and have never found the attitude that they are more 'real' than their thinner friends and colleagues, or that they need to force food upon them.

But I do also know that part of my problems with food are to do with food equating to comfort, security and love - and I suspect that is something a lot of other overweight people would agree with - and maybe I offer food to other people more than the average, because I have been conditioned to believe that that is how you show love, offer comfort or provide security.

I am overweight - I am not a bad person.

Flip

1 2 3 4