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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of comments by my overweight boss?

79 replies

remotecontrols · 08/01/2014 22:55

Yes I know you are going to say what has mentioning her weight got to do with it.

My boss is morbidly obese, doesn't make any difference to me whatever her weight is. She is generally good but I am getting sick and tired of her constant comments about food and weight.

She is always going on about food and keeps asking me if I have eaten. Not sure what concern it is of hers. When I do get my lunch out, usually a salad of some sort, she tells me to "stop eating like a silly scarecrow". I am a size 10 so hardly a scarecrow!

I now avoid eating in front of her. She regularly brings in cake and biscuits and keeps checking if I have eaten them.

She regularly mentions my lack of cleavage, she is something like a GG.

She says I am weak and have no strength

It seems like it is ok for her to criticise me, my size and what I eat but if it was the reverse it woud be deemed as unacceptable.

Aibu to make some comments back or should I just tell her I am tired of it?

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 09/01/2014 13:39

Don't forget people, this woman is the OPs boss! That makes it harder to deflect the comments and attention. I think I would smile sweetly, accept all the food and quietly dump it when she's not looking. Maybe take some time off to go to the dentist. And up the ante on the gluten/sugar/egg/etc free diet.

LessMissAbs · 09/01/2014 13:40

Is the interest free loan from the company you both work for? Sounds like bad management. No wonder you are feeling uncomfortable. You are there to do a job not talk about food!

I get this from my obese inlaws. I'd never encountered it before. SIL comments that size 8 is a 'wierd size', suggests I have food issues or alternatively talks about weight loss suggestions as she seems to assume I'm on a diet!

TheEponymousGrub · 09/01/2014 14:14

I agree that you shouldn't give this woman any evidence to claim that YOU are the one with the issues, so don't say you "can't stop" if you start or offer any excuses like that. I think you should give a VERY simple reply in a pleasant/neutral voice, like
"Oh please stop commenting about my weight"
or even
"Please stop commenting about my weight - I wouldn't do it to you".

Then if she continues you can say "I've asked you to stop".

Custardo · 09/01/2014 14:16

do you have regular performance meetings?

I would bring it up as a concern and have it written in your notes

remembering to use " I feel" rather that " you are"

Beastofburden · 09/01/2014 14:25

What about the other people in your office? Would they also rather not eat all this stuff? I introduced a "fruit table" once when I worked somewhere with a "cake table". Lots of us preferred to snack on the fruit instead and there was no atmosphere, just a rueful acceptance of biology.

Sometimes people who are trying to control their eating do so by encouraging others to eat more. You get that with anorexics who get really into cooking for others. If you can come to see this as an expression of her own, clearly disastrous relationship with food, that might help.

Too many comments about your lunch are indeed potentially bullying, but in order to pull her up, I would focus on the boob comments. Next time, just say, "please leave my breasts out of it". If she is a HR professional, she will know enough to back off from having breast conversations.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/01/2014 15:51

Don't be overt though; record if you can and then transcribe.
No - Be overt. That is the point. Knowing that you are making records each time will alert her to the issue and when she asks and the OP says they have been advised to record each incident of bullying shows that the OP has taken advice and the advice is to record everything.

Doing it without her knowing you are doing it defeats the object.

Xenadog · 09/01/2014 16:18

OP do record the inappropriate/bullying comments from your boss just so that in the future IF you need evidence you have it. But really there is no need to let her know you are doing this.

In the mean time next time she offers the junk food around simply smile and say, "Thank you but no thank you" and then repeat this every time she tries to foist it on you. The stuck record trick will work but may take a little time. You are being assertive but not rude. Do not lie or offer explanations as you don't need to.

If she continues to make comments about your appearance - cleavage, size or whatever I suggest you say something along the lines of, "That's rather personal don't you think?" It's not telling her to STFU but it is telling her you don't want to hear it. Again record anything you have to say to her.

It is a tricky situation but by being polite, calm and assertive I think you can stop things without it escalating.

BTW your boss sounds very unhappy with herself and is possibly more to be pitied than blamed. If you can keep that thought you might feel a bit better about things.

yellowknife · 09/01/2014 17:15

All this "report your boss to hr" guff is terrible advice. The only person who will suffer is the OP. Same as if she lets her boss know that she is recording incidents of alleged bullying. In an ideal world there would always be some wonderful impartial person who would step in and make the boss see the error of their ways, but that isn't real life. If you do make an issue of it in any official capacity be prepared to find a new job.

AngelaDaviesHair · 09/01/2014 17:21

I tend to agree with yellowknife to be honest. It will be portrayed by the boss(s) as a trivial matter that you have blown up because you are unkind and have food issues.

The only thing likely to help you is rigid consistency in refusing the food, binning the food, and asking her politely and calmly not to make personal comments about your body esp breasts (I agree with whoever said that is clearly out of line and if boss has any sense she will stop doing it).

livelablove · 09/01/2014 17:40

Yes if it was me I would not report the boss for this, but would act very assertive as I said earlier. I do agree with Angela she might make out it is you being nasty to her and that she is only bringing in cake to be nice (actually maybe she is bringing in the cake to be nice).

If you make a complaint about her she is bound to hold it against you, but if you act in a very confident , professional manner and be assertive but friendly she may come to respect you.

PlumpPartridge · 09/01/2014 17:43

If you're feeling particularly assertive passive aggressive, trying putting the cake directly in the bin after she forces it on you. You can wait until she's turned away, but DO NOT EAT IT.

She may well be trying to be nice but forcing people to do things they don't want to do is not on. If you've tried to get your message across pleasantly and failed then it is time to be more forceful.

maddening · 09/01/2014 17:59

I suggested hr more as it is a v sensitive subject - I don't see how you could deal with the boss directly due to the fact she obviously has issues with food (am overweight myself but don't force food on people or make bizarre comments ) - I think the op needs advice and perhaps they might be able to help - the bosses behaviour is inappropriate as she is playing out her issues with her colleagues - but how can the op assert herself directly without causing massive upset - if the boss is v sensitive about her weight she could react v badly - I think the op needs to protect herself and HR would be best placed to offer advice and if there is any fall out it is logged and documented whereas conversations with the boss aren't.

yellowknife · 09/01/2014 18:09

Another consideration regarding making an official complaint is that if it backfires it could make obtaining an employment reference very difficult.

livelablove · 09/01/2014 18:19

I think all our different responses show just what an awkward position the OP is in, it certainly is a tricky situation. Any chance of you leaving or getting a transfer OP?

FryOneFatManic · 09/01/2014 19:10

I think the OP mentioned the complication that her commenting boss is also the HR person.....

Thistledew · 09/01/2014 19:38

Next time she tries to get you to eat cake, refuse on the basis that you find eating too much sugar makes you ill. If she insists, eat the cake, then call in sick the next day saying "I knew I ate too much sugar yesterday, I feel rotten today".

FWIW, I have just made my own connection between eating too much sugary things and a recurrent UTI, so it's perfectly plausible.

For the comments about your appearance, how about an exaggerated grimace and say "ouch!" every time she says something. It makes the point that you find her comments uncomfortable without being confrontational. It might not work if she is intending to cause hurt, but it might be enough to get her thinking if there is no intent.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 09/01/2014 20:15

Say high sugar stuff sets of your IBS, sugar can be a trigger, cakes and biscuits would fall into that.

AnUnearthlyChild · 09/01/2014 20:18

Sugary things can cause thrush

That could be your get out?

You could always gleefully give her way way tmi, really gory detail every time she offers cake. :)

cingolimama · 09/01/2014 20:32

Oh for Christ's sake, people! Her boss commented on her breasts among other offensive stuff. I think some advice on here is silly and all softly-softly because it's a fat woman doing it. Would your advice be the same if it was a man?

It's bullying and creating a hostile work environment. OP you have my sympathy. I wouldn't engage with her about gluten-free diets, or take some cake and discreetly bin it later. I would very very clearly, calmly and professionally tell her to cease and desist. And please make notes of any and all comments.

Mimishimi · 09/01/2014 20:47

I thought I respinded to this thread yesterday but must have closed the page before hitting the post button. Don't think I said anything offensive enough to be deleted. When I was in uni, I was living in one of the residential colleges and there was a girl like this in the same year as me. She wasn't yet huge due to playing a lot of sport but was heading that way - she was built like a footballer. She always made comments about what I was or wasn't eating, used to point and laugh at me down the table accusing me of eating rabbit food if I had even a hint of green on my plate, piled her own plate high with rice and beef stirfry nearly every night (it was a common menu item) . I never saw it as anything but jealousy and after a while, found the best response was just to acknowledge with a forced smile and then ignore her.

Original poster
remotecontrols · 09/01/2014 21:41

Thanks for your replies everyone, this whole issue has been bothering me for a while so it is great to get people perspective on it.

It is interesting that other people have also experienced something similar. I have never come across this before. Obviously there has always been conversations about diets wherever I have worked but not these sorts of comments or attempts at pushing food on others.

Hatice good tip about the book that would allow me to have a sandwich now and again!

pinkdelight yes I do wonder if I say don't comment on my food and weight she may well think I have an issue when I clearly do not

Preciousbane thank you, I will look through old threads

Plumppartridge I have put cakes and biscuits in the bin because I have been pressurised so much Sad

dontmindifido good point, I am taking it personally but maybe I shouldn't because it is actually about her not me. I need to be consistent and keep explaining I can't have this or that. People do back off when you give some sort of allergy reason. If I say I dont want a cake or whatever, people say go on, just have one and can be quite pressurising

motherinlawsdung Grin good idea!

Spermysextowel great name btw. I am not brave enough to say that!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius maybe she is trying to show her love by feeding me but she is saying I should stop eating like a silly scarecrow. I wouldn't and hope I wouldnt treat anyone differently just because of their size.

ArgyMargy that is what I have been doing so far, accepting the food because of the pressurising and then dumping it. I sometimes take it back to the kitchen at work or give it my neighbours or a friend

LessMissAbs the loan is a personal arrangement between my boss and the head of department, his own personal money. That is why it is difficult for me to approach him because he and my boss are very close.

Beastofburden most people at work are happy to eat it or take it back to their offices, maybe they dump it. I have tried bringing fruit into work. I brought a bowlful, it ended up going mouldy because people were not that interested. My boss is trying to lose weight, it is interesting that you say when someone wants to control their eating they encourage others to eat more. She regularly bakes cakes and brings them in, lately she won't have a slice herself though but will happily put a ginormous slab on my desk

Xenadog I do feel sorry for her. She was saying to another colleague that she fears that one day she will get so big she won't be able to get out of the house. I think she is lonely. She has not had a boyfriend for many years

Yellowknife I would have to take it very high to bypass the head of department and I do think it would be seen as a trivial issue. I like my job, I don't think it is worth leaving this job over. I need to think of alternative strategies to deal with it even if I have to make up dietary lies Sad

livelablove I am fortunate to have a permanent job, so no intention of leaving. Not really any options of transfer. Being where I am is great in terms of fitting in childcare and I could possibly lose that if I transfer

I have been overweight in the past and I mentioned to her that I used to be a size 18 but then I lost the weight. Maybe this annoys her? Not sure.....

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 09/01/2014 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArgyMargy · 09/01/2014 22:03

Well said MrsDV.

echt · 09/01/2014 22:06

MrsDV, you wrote the post I was about to compose.

WhenWhyWhere · 09/01/2014 22:08

Yup, MrsDeVere has it spot on with...

'I prefer not to talk about weight
Please don't keep commenting on what I eat

There is no need to be rude or to make PA or clever comments. Just keep repeating MrsDVs comments.