Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another AIBU about a MIL...!

99 replies

principalitygirl · 07/01/2014 20:35

MIL lives a couple of hundred miles away. She's retired and DS - a toddler - is her only grandchild. We've generally got on well but since DS was born we've had a few tensions, mainly as I've found her a bit 'suffocating' as regards DS, sometimes acting more like his mum than gran at times. (e.g. she recently told me that she had a dream in which she was BF-ing DS...?! I made it clear that I found this a bit odd! She also always wants to have him to herself when she visits, or at least that's how I feel...)

She clearly adores DS though and last year, as a result of her very frequent visits to us, usually for two or three nights each time, and us making a few visits to her too she saw DS a total of 16 times, the last being at Christmas. She keeps count of the visits I should add, and tells me.

I posted a version of this post around Christmas but posted in an existing thread by mistake. She'd announced mid-family meal that she and DS have a plan to go to EuroDisney when he's five... I felt compelled to smile and say 'lovely' but instead said what felt which is that we should discuss it first and he'd probably need to be older than five. I also thought why can't we all go? The only person who responded to my post then thought I am being selfish and controlling...?
What do others think?

I know some grandparents couldn't give a toss so try to focus on the positives of how my MIL is, I want DS to have a good relationship with her of course and it's handy to have her babysit for the odd evening when she visits, but I really find it difficult to think that she's going to be visiting this often for the next 18 years or so....

I work PT and DS goes to nursery so timing the visits is tricky. Midweek isn't ideal but should I really be expected to spend one weekend a month visiting her or having her to stay? AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
principalitygirl · 07/01/2014 20:35

Oh, and she's already asking to visit again in two weeks time...!

OP posts:
jigsawlady · 07/01/2014 20:42

I wouldnt be happy. Taking a dc to disneyland is like taking them to see santa. Its nice for the parents to see them experience it and not something I would want to miss

wouldbemedic · 07/01/2014 20:47

Regarding the visiting and whether it's excessive, I think it has to depend on what it's costing the family. If she leaves you exhausted and upset, then once a month is too much. If it's just a bit of a bind but not too bad, then I wouldn't worry. They don't stay little and cute for 18 years...I doubt she'll want to be visiting your son when he's a teenager. But maybe it would be good to mix the weekends up and make it five/six week gaps sometimes, just to stop it becoming a set in stone ritual. Regarding eurodisney at the age of five...absolutely out of order. She has to realise he is your son and choices like that are yours to make. But if you were to ask her nicely and explain that you want to work with her, rather than have things sprung on you, it might make sense to her. I have a thing about something being 'arranged' with a child because it just seems rude and manipulative to me. Surely the person who is arranging their entire life around the child should be consulted before it becomes a matter of disappointing a child etc.

wouldbemedic · 07/01/2014 20:50

But there are people on here who seem to have a bugbear about grandparents and boundaries. I don't think any of us have rights, just responsibilities to the child, and there are respectful ways of working together to discharge those in the best way. There's also a chain of command. Whether someone else has the MIL from hell and would jump at the chance of an MIL like yours TBH is neither here nor there.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 07/01/2014 20:53

I think it's nice for her and your son to be able to make plans together. She's his grandmother - as he grows up his relationship with her will cease to have anything much to do with you.

I would be incredibly grateful if someone was prepared to pay for my child to go to poxy, expensive Disneyland and take them away for days to bring them there. :o

I also don't think once a month is too often to see such a close relative (this is your husband's mother, after all) as long as everyone is flexible and nothing gets set in stone.

Beautifulbabyboy · 07/01/2014 20:55

YABU. The Disney thing sounds fab. I have a friend who restricted / didn't want mil involved in her life to the extent she was. I asked her what would happen if she got cancer / or something else terrible happened? I am doing my best to surround my boys with as much love as possible, families are incredible, and all she wants to do is love your son, not something to moan about surely?

(And re my friend, the tragic part is she did get cancer, she is thankfully ok now, but wouldn't it be fab to have people who love your son be there to care for them when you can't?)

My friends are fab, but I don't love their kids like my Mil loves her grand kids.

TheGreatHunt · 07/01/2014 20:57

YABU

You need to relax a little. Yeah she might want to take him but you'll go too obviously.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 20:57

You don't make any mention of your DH/ DP. What does he think?

fivegolddeblooms · 07/01/2014 21:01

I think YANBU.

I also think you did the right thing by nipping it in the bud and making it clear you haven't agreed to it before she runs away with the idea.

I'd want to take my 5 yr old myself.

Original poster
principalitygirl · 07/01/2014 21:02

GreatHunt - just to clarify, she was clearly talking about her and DS going to Disney without me and DH.

I think part of the reason I find the visits hard is because it's me who has to spend so much time with her - was even worse when I was still on mat leave. DH is at work during the day usually and usually has a regular evening commitment at least one evening that she's staying.

OP posts:
Tobagostreet · 07/01/2014 21:02

Cut her some slack. My mum sees my kids most days (I do not use her for child care), as do lots of other GP's see their of GC's frequently.

As her only GC, I do think its a shame she only saw him 16 times last year, but that does come with living far away, and compromise is needed on both sides to try to work round that. You're now talking about reducing that to once per month, which would upset me no end if I was a GP in that position :(

GP's can be important influences in kids lives, and it's nice for your DS to know that he has other relatives who love him unconditionally too.

Other than discussing how much she loves your DS, and planning wonderful experiences with him, what is she doing that is so wrong/disruptive?

When told about Disneyland, did you say "that's lovely!, we'll all go!", or just seventh about her wanting to spoil her only GC?

Are there other GP's around? Your own parents? If so, do they see your DS only 16 times a year?

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 07/01/2014 21:04

Can you get On with necessary jobs whilst mil visits. That way she and ds enjoy time together and you get to do other things?
I can't help other than that as my mil has little to no interest in my dc so I'm biased by my experiences.
I can see how her exclusively wanting to spend time with your ds could make you feel excluded.
As for Disneyland, I've taken my dc twice, they absolutely loved it, pure selfishness on my part wouldn't give that pleasure they had to anyone else.

Tobagostreet · 07/01/2014 21:05

*Seethe not seventh!

fivegolddeblooms · 07/01/2014 21:05

"When told about Disneyland..."

She shouldn't be 'telling' the OP anything about what her own DS will be doing - she's the grandparent, not the parent.

toomuchclutter · 07/01/2014 21:06

Tell your DH to tell her if you are unhappy about the Disney plans

Surely your DHs evening commitment doesn't take all night

When your DH is there, let DH entertain his mum. You go off and have a good time

TheGreatHunt · 07/01/2014 21:06

I mean I would tell her you're going too!

PrimalLass · 07/01/2014 21:07

Taking him by herself at 5 - well I wouldn't like that either.

The visits - could she come midweek and drop-off/pick-up from nursery, or drop a nursery day and she could be there while you are not Grin

Sparklymommy · 07/01/2014 21:09

We live with my mum. I have four children. My mother is particularly close to my firstborn. I actually think if I died my dd would get over it, but if Nana died? Dd would never recover.

I understand how you feel. But it's nice that your ds has someone who loves him so much. I think you are being a little unreasonable.

PotteringAlong · 07/01/2014 21:11

My mum and dad live a similar distance away from us. They come to see DS us all about once every 5 weeks and we go down during the school holidays. We FaceTime a minimum of once a week. Why not? They want a lovely relationship with their grandson and I will do everything I can to facilitate that. They see my PiL at least once a week so they inevitably have a different relationship with them but I like to think no less special.

You are being unreasonable here I feel.

PotteringAlong · 07/01/2014 21:12

Also, don't worry about Disneyland - it's years away! Deal with it when it's an issue. Don't cross bridges before you come to them.

ZenNudist · 07/01/2014 21:25

I try to see my DPs and ILs once a month (not local, 1h & 2h away respectively). My DPs will travel to us, my ILs rarely.

I like ds to see his gps. I don't mind if they then spend all their time with him. It entertains him, them & gives me a break.

I think 16 times a year is fine. We probably do similar in that we will go away for 1-2wk holidays with ILs too.

It's wierd she counts visits & tells you like she is blaming you. I think you also need to let go a little. At 5 I'd hope ds would be able to go and stay for a week with them in the UK if ILs still have their health. Handy holiday childcare!

I'd treat the making plans together thing with a pinch of salt and worry about it when/if it happens. I can understand you might be uncomfortable with them going abroad without you.

I had a great relationship with my paternal grandmother. She was a huge influence on my life in a good way and I treasure the time we spent together, often without my DPs. My maternal Gm was lovely and we did lovely things together as a child but usually with my dm and aunt in tow. I think it's nice for dc to spend one on one time with (non-toxic) GPs.

Lovely that your dd has someone else who loves her like you.

nevergoogle · 07/01/2014 21:25

She sounds too full on for me too.

Definitely, NO to disneyland without the parents.

Unfortunately though, I don't see how she can get the message to back off a bit if she isn't told directly. Could you come up with another reason that would be feasible, or could your DP/DH talk to her.

Or come up with a whole lot of plans and reasons why you aren't going to be home.

Twooter · 07/01/2014 21:26

I don't think yabu. Especially about Disney, but also having to host her when your dp isn't going to any extra effort.

nevergoogle · 07/01/2014 21:27

FWIW i've found being a mardy cow means DH's family don't want to visit anymore. Win win Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 07/01/2014 21:33

The most uncomfortable thing for me was the bf comment.
I think its natural she wants to spend all her time with ds when she visits as she lives so far away.
I'm sure the visits will decrease in time as once your ds is older school and activities will take over.
We lived hundreds of miles from extended family when ours were little but didn't see so much of them, twice a year usually.
This worked out fine and I was glad to hand both ds over to ils for a break Grin
I wouldn't be happy about the Disney trip neither, but its years away, so I would just keep the peace tbh.