Another AIBU about a MIL...!

[principalitygirl]

MIL lives a couple of hundred miles away. She's retired and DS - a toddler - is her only grandchild. We've generally got on well but since DS was born we've had a few tensions, mainly as I've found her a bit 'suffocating' as regards DS, sometimes acting more like his mum than gran at times. (e.g. she recently told me that she had a dream in which she was BF-ing DS...?! I made it clear that I found this a bit odd! She also always wants to have him to herself when she visits, or at least that's how I feel...)

She clearly adores DS though and last year, as a result of her very frequent visits to us, usually for two or three nights each time, and us making a few visits to her too she saw DS a total of 16 times, the last being at Christmas. She keeps count of the visits I should add, and tells me.

I posted a version of this post around Christmas but posted in an existing thread by mistake. She'd announced mid-family meal that she and DS have a plan to go to EuroDisney when he's five... I felt compelled to smile and say 'lovely' but instead said what felt which is that we should discuss it first and he'd probably need to be older than five. I also thought why can't we all go? The only person who responded to my post then thought I am being selfish and controlling...?
What do others think?

I know some grandparents couldn't give a toss so try to focus on the positives of how my MIL is, I want DS to have a good relationship with her of course and it's handy to have her babysit for the odd evening when she visits, but I really find it difficult to think that she's going to be visiting this often for the next 18 years or so....

I work PT and DS goes to nursery so timing the visits is tricky. Midweek isn't ideal but should I really be expected to spend one weekend a month visiting her or having her to stay? AIBU?

Fair enough about Disney but as for contact I don't think it's excessive.
My Mum loves being a grandparent, probably more than being a parent. She has all the joys without the not so fun parts! Small children change so fast, even a couple of weeks and they learn new things. My Mum feels quite sad for her friends and for the GC's paternal GP who don't get to be so close.

The thing about Disney is for the GP not to mention in front of the child, who might get his hopes up, so ask her to button it, nod and smile and say, we'll see which as we all know, means no. :o

About the breast-feeding dream. What did you find odd, her having it or telling you?

About the once month visits that you're apprehensive about, speak to DH and say he has to be there for the whole time or no go. I think this is entirely reasonable and might solve some of your issues.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I don't get on very well with my MIL and hate how her presence changes my husbands behaviour too. I would resent having her staying with us a whole weekend every month. My mum lives in the US and sees my children once or twice a year so very different to ppl who see their parents every day.

My mum (lives 120miles away) announced "We'll be coming to stay for the weekend every couple of weeks to keep the relationship going" when son was 2/7 old. I managed to quash that but when I went back to work she & dad alternated with my ILs every 3/52 when I was on call which was a great help.

They (Ps & ILs) had him to stay regularly when he was little but in their own homes, never took him away - I wouldn't have been comfortable with that - ILs used to over-protect & do nothing with him whereas Ps (mum really) used to do stuff that I found a bit OTT or even unsuitable.

YANBU

You haven't said what age your mil is and although you said the ds is a toddler I assume that it will be 2-3yrs before he is five.

I would not be letting a five year old go away for any length of time with a retiree unless they had spent the odd overnight and a few days out together.

All day with a 5 yr old can be hard going, even for the youngest, fittest mother very mind a retired grandparent. Add to the mix the travel and excitement of Dinseyland Paris and it could be a recipe for disaster.

Mine wouldn't be going with either set of grandparents never mind one grandparent on their own.

You need to get your dh more involved on her visits so that your not the one doing all the entertaining

In your shoes, I think I'd feel suffocated by the frequency of the visits.

YANBU- she should be asking you, not telling you, about things like Disney trips- and not in front of your DS (although I imagine he's too young to remember this when he's 5). I agree telling you about the BF dream is a bit odd.

What does your DH think?

As for the visits, while I agree with posters who say it's nice for GP and GC to be close, it also has to work for all parties involved. GPs can be close to their grand children without having to physically see them every other week. Their is skype/facetime too, and there are always compromises to be made.

If the OP feels it is too much, and feels imposed upon by her MIL, then it is too much. Just because some posters don't mind/wouldn't mind if their parents/ILs visited this often- or more often- it doesn't make you wrong. If you were to prevent her from seeing your DS at all, or making it once or twice a year- that would be unreasonable. Saying "I don't want to spend one weekend every month visiting/hosting my ILs" is not unreasonable. You don't say how much contact you have with your parents, but surely if you're expected to do this for ILs, you'd have to something similar for your parents too (assuming distances don't make it impossible). Thats a total of 2 weekends a month taken up with visiting/hosting GPs- I think thats too much to expect, unless it's something you're very keen on doing. Which it doesn't sound like the OP is.

My parents took by DTDs to Disneyland paris for a weekend when they were 3. They all had a great time. So I would not be bothered about this assuming MIL is fit enough, but would not like the idea of plotting behind my back.

I've not read all the thread but why don't you put this to her. You all go to Disney together, have acouple of days, but then you & DH leave and have two days, 1 night in Paris leaving Mil with your DS. Win win no?

I think too much is being made of the Disney plans - plotting is a bit strong. It's ages away anyway and all sorts can change - sorting out the hear and now is more important. Mind you I would rather poke my eyes out with red hot pins than go any where near Disney or any other commercialised overpriced rubbish theme park.

I think YABU but also that your dh needs to make more effort. My mum lives down the road from me and I see her maybe once a month for ten minutes. She is not interested at all in the dc. I find it sad that they won't ever have a decent relationship with her.
To me the thought of Disney is horrific (can't stand crowds) so if someone offered to take my dc I would jump at the chance!

I would never let my own parents or PIL take my child(ren) out of the country

Im curious as to why not, this is not something I would have a problem with. Before my Mum died she frequently saw DS1 every few days as we stayed a few streets from each other, he also had his own room there and slept over, not for child care. I loved their relationship and am so sad DS2 and DS3 never got this. 16 times to be is nothing and dont agree with it being called "suffocating", that makes me quite sad to. Disney is years away, dont get your knickers in a twist about that either, like others I would pay someone to take my kids there, I agree they would love it but its not a "magical moment" I need to share with them!

But electryone- it is fine for you/your DC to see your parents/PIL every day if that suits you all. You don't find it suffocating, but just because you don't, it doesn't mean others won't.

The OP is not happy with it and does find it too much. Her feelings on this are just as valid as yours- each to their own. And due to distances involved it's not just them popping round for a couple of hours of an evening or weekend, or having Sunday lunch together for instance- it's giving up large chunks of you free time. That's a big difference.

For what it's worth, I think the relationship you have with PIL/own parents probably plays a big part. Every other weekend with people you aren't too keen on is a big ask- not so much a problem with people you love, get on with and whose company you enjoy.

That said- being expected to spend 2 weekends every month visiting or hosting other people is a bit much (after all if you do it for one set of GPs, you have to be prepared to do it for both- assuming they both want it, of course).

Yanbu OP. My exMIL spent most of dd's early years pushing me (and my family) out of the way. Despite having had 3 dcs of her own and knowing that I was unable to have more children she insisted on being the first to do things with dd (trips to the zoo, the seaside etc). Xh and I were not invited to join these trips and xh insisted on her getting her own way as it made life easier.

After splitting up it has become easier as she has much less contact. She was aware that I was planning to take dd to Disney with my DSis as a special treat (they have done all the other theme parks already with her). I have now been informed that xmil is shortly taking dd and xh to Disney. I was told that if I objected they wouldn't give me permission to go abroad with dd and that it wasn't a problem because they couldn't cover all the park on their visit so I could take her to see anything they had missed.

I know dd is very keen to go and I don't want to stop her going but I will miss dreadfully seeing her first reactions to it.

I think if you can set some boundaries that you and dh are comfortable with that is the way ahead. Perhaps fewer weekends but a compensating week during the holidays? Make sure that she is aware of how you are fitting in your family too - and that should be a similiar amount of contact.

Good luck and insist on big plans being discussed with you before being mentioned to ds.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. She should def consult re Eurodisney, but that's exactly the kind of plan that never happens. Definitely over sharing with her dreams! Nice that she wants to be involved, but it would be good to tone it down a bit. 16 visits in a year is a lot. Maybe every 6/8 weeks instead. And next time, make sure you're the one who gets to go out for the evening!

Your DH needs to take a break from his regular evening commitments and be around when his mother comes.

Counting the visits-dreaming about bfeeding???

That said, Disney wouldn't bother me if child would be well looked after as it doesn't appeal to me at all-but of course it shouldn't just be her decision!

16 visits-just over one a month-not that much, is it, although perhaps draining if it aways involves staying over.

I sympathise with you, OP.
I am a granny. DGC have lovely extended family (including me, obviously ) and we all get along just fine.
BUT.....

My DD struggles with the ILs. They are kind, loving, not overly great at looking after a tiny but willing to jump through hoops to get it right. All should be fine, however they very much focus on "having him to themselves" Its the prime drive for them, and they can never wait to take him out on their own.... or for him to be old enough to stay by himself.
The upshot has been a growing divide which did not previously exist. Even their son has said he feels that his parents are only really interested in their GC these days.
Planning to go away with him, by themselves, is absolutely something they would do.

I don't think solutions are easy, because it is hard to define the motivation for GPs who feel this way, but I do think there are tactics which could help.
Set a better schedule. Mid weeks may be less convenient timewise, but maywork far better for family life - and for your relationship with you.
Why not suggest that as a matter of routine she comes down and stays one or two Weds night each month (define the frequency before you start the conversation - it shouldn't be a negotiation).
If it conflicts with nursery time ... fine, she can chat with you and build her relationship, or go shopping. If it conflicts with you working ....ok. But the trade off is that your weekends are never tied up unless you choose to visit her.

As for Disney, I would start now by assuming that you will all go. Simply 'misunderstand' any other implied version. All or nothing.
Mine did each visit with a GM resident overseas, for one-to-one special holidays .... but as a very 'grown up' treat in the summer holiday before they started senior school. More than soon enough IMO.

I think that level of contact is a bit much when it involves another adult staying in your home for days, particularly when that person seems to be vying for a parental role. It is difficult and draining!

I live several hundred miles away from my MIL and she stays with us once every 4/6 weeks for a few days, however we get on really well and she is a real asset when she's here. When we lived close to her we had a few issues with her undermining us with DD3 (her first GC) and when we first moved away we had an uncomfortable few visits where I silently seethed when I felt boundaries were blurred. DH tried to deal with it but he found it hard, so I sat her down and we had a chat. It wasn't easy, and there were tears on both sides but we genuinely care for each other too much for there to be an atmosphere in the background and we both felt better for clearing the air. Not had many problems since, and if we do then we let each other know.

Might it be possible to chat with your MIL and explain how you're feeling? I realise that not everyone would take that quite as gracefully as my MIL, she's a true diamond!

YANBU. There is a world of difference between MIL offering to take your son to Disneyland and/or saying that obviously it'll be a family trip, and 'telling' you –his parents! –that she'll be taking him on her own.

I wouldn't be so bothered about them going on their own (although I take the point about it being a nice thing for parents to share with their children), but I'd be mighty pissed off about being told by a grandparent what they were going to do with my child.

I too want to know where your DH/DP fits in here. What does he think?

'Your DH needs to take a break from his regular evening commitments and be around when his mother comes.'

And this!